*** "I’m going to die someday.” I said aloud. “Okay.” She responded. “Just like Justin did and just like Jesse did.” I said quietly. “Amber, can you please tell me who Jesse is to you.” She said jotting down things on the pad of yellow paper that sat in front of her. “Jesse,” I paused, “He was my bestfriend, I was in love with him.” “Boyfriend?” She questioned. “No, my bestfriend, since we were 2 years old.” I said. She watched me fiddle with my fingers anxiously. My eyes occasionally wandered around the room, “Amber, do you want to kill yourself?” I looked up at her with tear invaded eyes. Of course I wanted to kill myself. What was worth living for? I wake up each morning thinking how I could kill myself today. What would be the least painful? Jesse shot himself in the head, he said he didn’t want that time between the top and the ground to think about what he just did. He told me the bullet was the only way out. He told me nothing could make him happier than a bullet thrusting through his head and to think, I always thought he would be the one to keep me sane. “No. Not everything my mother tells you in necessarily true.” I eventually answered. “I know Amber but I’m here to help you. “ She lifted her eyes from her paper where she was probably writing I was a thought diver, a person over exaggerates her thinking or that I was just strait up crazy. “No one can help me.” I stood up and walked out of the room. *** Journal- Tomorrow. 23 hours, 5 minutes, and 3 seconds till utter darkness. I’m growing extremely impatient. I talked to momma last night. She’s upset with me. She thinks I should dump Anjel. She thinks Anjel is a bitch and she treats me wrong, but she doesn’t. She is very understanding other than the fact that she’s a drama queen. I set time aside with everyone. Joey and I talked about the girl he got aids from. She was very pretty. He has a picture of her in his wallet that he holds close to him. He was in love with her, he still loved her, no matter what she did to him. Chris really upset me today. I told him not to father me and responded ‘Well someone’s gotta do it!’ I told him to fuck himself. I hate when Chris takes on his “Oh I’m a whole decade older than you Justin so listen to me for I am your father!” role but then again he acts more immature than I do. Hypocrite. I still love him though and I think that maybe I shouldn’t be upset with him because I won’t see him again. I apologized first, something I don’t normally do, and we played video games for a couple of hours. JC. JC. JC. I never told JC that at one time I was utterly convinced I was in love with him. I mean I was truly deeply in love with him. I told him today and tears consumed his eyes. He told me that at some point in his life he was in love with me as well. I grew confused of my sexuality again. I decided I wouldn’t make myself that way since tomorrow will be my last day. I pressed my lips against his softly and closed my eyes pressuring the tears out of my eyes. When we split apart I told him I loved him and left the room. I think things between he and I needed to be fixed, and they were. Lance and I went clubbing one last time. We left Anjel and Nina at home and had a great time- I’m going to miss Lance a lot. I told Lance I was sorry that he and I never connected the way I had put time aside to connect with the other guys. He told me that it was more than okay, he always enjoyed the relationship he and I had. I’m so grateful for that. I came home and Anjel was still awake. We made love. We didn’t just have sex, we made love, passionate love. I love her terribly. I know that she knows that too. Afterwards my head was lying on her stomach. She said that was the best sex she’s ever had with me, she said my heart was in it more than anything, maybe it was. *** I brushed the tears from my face as I cleaned my room. Almost everything was packed and ready for my trip tomorrow. I walked to my mirror and looked into it. I grabbed the picture of Jesse and kissed it. He was my world and not, it’s all over. I grabbed the picture of Justin off my mirror too. It was at a concert, he was staring right at the camera. His eyes looked tired and sad. I kissed the picture and placed it in my box. I wonder what was going through his head when he decided to end his life. Was he scared? Was he excited. I stood up and walked over to the balcony. I opened the glass doors that I haven’t opened in a long time. I walked to the edge of the balcony and climbed up on top of it. The wind lightly brushed through my hair. I wonder how he felt....
