*** If death struck me today- I’d be okay with that. I mean I wonder what was going through Justin’s head when he did this.....what he was thinking about. Probably everything, Anjel, his godforsaken girlfriend, his best friend Abby, his family, JC, Joey, Chris, Lance, his fans.....I mean not me personally of course....but I wonder if maybe he was thinking, “I wonder if this will affect anyone. Like will it lead someone else to the temptation of suciside.” I’ve sure considered it. Why not? I have nothing to live for anyway. The phone rang and my thoughts were interrupted. I strained to hear my mother in the other room. “Yes she is but she is not allowed on the phone.....may I ask who is speaking?” There was a long silence then finally she spoke up again, “Okay so you’re JC and she needs to meet with Veronica tomorrow at school? My brow furrowed. What the hell? JC? No way.....Chasez...... I wanted to run down stairs and pick up the phone but my mom put all the phones in her room. “So sorry JC, Amber will no longer attend school.” My mom said. “WHAT!?” I screamed. I knew she heard me because a panicked sigh came from her mouth as she continued, “Yes, thank you, buh- bye.” I heard her put the phone back on the hook then I heard silence. It was quiet for a while but then I heard her walk down the stairs. I wanted to run and push her down those stairs so bad. I was so mad, didn’t she understand I don’t need all this fucking pressure?! I pulled my tired body out of my bed and trudged to the door to lock it only to find out my mom yanked out the locks. “WHAT THE FUCK!?” I screamed once more praying she’d hear my pain. I threw open the door and ran down the stairs to see her drinking a cup of tea. “What the hell do you think you are doing mom?” I asked her. “Amber, please don’t speak to me in such a manor.” My mom said. “Who do you think you are? Do you think you’re fucking helping me?” I asked her still not moving from where I am and still not watching my language. “Amber, you need help.” My mom said not taking her eyes away from her drink. “WILL YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO ME?!” I yelled shoving the chair onto the ground making her jump. “Amber...” She eventually looked up at me. “No mom, don’t. I’m not going anywhere, and if you think otherwise, you’ve got a lot coming to you, don’t talk to me, don’t care about me, and stop trying to act like my fucking mom because you SURE AS HELL never earned that title!” I said then stormed out of the kitchen. *** “FUCK!” JC slammed the receiver into the phone. “What’s wrong Lance asked as Nina made the guys something to drink. “Her mom said she’s not allowed on the phone and she’s not going back to school.” JC said, “I want to help this girl so bad, she’s needs help- and I want to help her, for me, for J.” “JC....” Lance started. “I need to leave.” JC said getting up and opening the door. “HE thinks he’s the only one suffering right now.” Lance shook his head once JC shut the door. “Hunny, he was Justin best friend since they were young, I mean you have to understand he’s going to take it a little harder than the rest of you.” Nina ran her fingers along Lance’s neck line. “I know, but he makes it seem like it only affects him, Nina, if I could stop at any moment just to sit down and have a real conversation with Justin I would be so happy, and maybe that ONE conversation could have changed his mind.” Lance said. “Lance, you cannot blame yourself over something you can’t handle.” Nina advised. “I know, but in his letter he’s right, we never did connect.” --------------------------------------------------------- “Lance want to go to the club with me?” Justin pulled his shirt over his head. “Eh, I don’t think so Ju, I think I’m going to stay home and watch some TV.” Lance said not letting his eyes leave the TV. Justin jumped over the couch and puckered his bottom lip to his friend, “Pwwwwweeezzzeeee?!” Justin begged. “Justin...” Lance whined. “Prettttttyyy pppwwweeezzzeee?!” Justin said again. “Fine!” Lance jumped up from his spot on the couch. “Yay!” Justin clapped his hands together. ^At the club^ “Good Lord boy, what am I going to do with you?” Lance shook his head at the drooling Justin. “You’re going to get me that hot chick’s number.” Justin said point to the brunette dancing with her friend. “What?” Lance turned and faced Justin, “Whatever.” “Come on Lance, please.” Justin begged. “Nope. If anyone is getting her number tonight, it’s me!” Lance smiled and walked to her, “Hey.” “Uh, hi.” She smiled shyly. “I’m Lance.” Lance put his hand out for her to shake. “I know, I’m Nina.” She shook his hand. ---------------------------------------------------------- Joey picked up Justin’s journal. He held it for a while, hesitating to actually open it and read what was inside. He was so afraid he’d read that he had something to do with Justin’s death or his pain. Tears ran down Joey’s cheeks just thinking that he couldn’t help Justin. He wished he could have walked in at the moment and stopped him and said, ‘I love you too much, please don't do this.’ But he couldn’t! He didn’t! And he felt like he had to curse himself for that. Finally Joey decided to open the journal. “Journal- I woke up this morning to find Joey in my room reading a book at the foot of my bed. I don't know what the hell he was doing but he scared the hell out of me. I watched him for a minute, I don’t think he knew I was watching him. He looked so involved, so intrigued. Then I noticed what he was reading, “Dealing with an STD.” It’s like a bullet to my heart you know? I didn’t know how to react. I continued to watch him, straining not to close my eyes so I wouldn’t miss a moment of his features. Eventually he looked up and met my gaze. I gave him a warm smile and he returned it. I was so scared, I mean what do I say? How’d you get it? I mean he didn’t even know I knew. His eyes began to tear up. I knew right then he was going to tell me, and he did. He told me how he just found out he had HIV. We cried for hours. I wanted to tell him I would take it all away and suffer for him but I couldn’t, I couldn’t help him, I couldn’t say it’s okay Joe because I’m going to live that pain for you, because I love you, and that’s how it is!! I just cried, like a helpless child. We talked until about 7 at night. For 12 hours we bottled ourselves in my room just to talk. I feel so much closer to Joey, I feel like he’s really my brother now you know? I feel so happy that I spent that time with him. I felt so happy that we shared our thoughts and that we could comfort each other in the best possible way. I love Joey....and he makes me love myself, I don’t see what a better friend is than that. Always Justin R. Timberlake” Joey read alloud wiping the tears as he went. ***
