| "When in doubt, lick" - Kim Durniak "I can bends minds with my spoon" - Anonymous "Buddha was fat." - beats me, but it's written on my wall. "C'mon Marge! It's uterUS, not uterYOU!" - Homer Simpson, trying to convince his wife, Marge, to become a surrogate mother. "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone." - Anthony Burgess "Begin at the beginning and then go to the end; then stop." - Alice in Wonderland "There are three ways to get someting done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it" - Monta Crane "If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor." - Einstein "If you go in for an argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself." - Joseph Farrell "Never lends books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folks have leant me." - Anatole France. "Don't fight forces; use them." - Buckminster Fuller "Never contend with a man who has nothing to lose" - Baltasar Gracian "A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries" - Will Rogers "The scientific theory I like best the that the rings of Saturn are composed enitirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell "Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else." - George Bernard Shaw "The more I see of man, the more I like dogs." - Madam de Stael "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin "The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug." - Mark Twain "I am not young enough to know everything" - Oscar Wilde ""Ah! Don't say that you agree with me. When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong." - Oscar Wilde "Either the wallpaper goes or I do." - Oscar Wilde, last words "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." - Addison "If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy." - Anonymous "Well done is better than well said." - Anonymous "What we do in life, echoes in eternity" - Maximus, Gladiator "Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I'm doing." - Wernher von Braun "The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none." - Thomas Carlyle Bored with life? Give yourself a deadline... "We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give." - Winston Churchill "Poetry: the best words in the best order." - Samuel Taylor Coleridge "To win without risks is to triumph without glory." - Pierre Corneille "There are no atheists in foxholes." - William T. Cummings "It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the more important." - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle "The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives." - Albert Einstein "Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length." - Robert Frost "Dare to be naive." - Buckminster Fuller "You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it for himself." - Galileo Galilei "Black holes are where God divided by zero." - Anonymous "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." - Anonymous "I intend to live forever. So far so good." - Anonymous "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." - Anonymous "Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?" - Anonymous "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definintely isn't for you." - Anonymous "A conclusion is a place where you get tired of thinking." - Anonymous "To me, boxing is like ballet. Except there is no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." - Jack Handy "I hate quotations." - Emerson "One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is always making new and exciting discoveries." - A. A. Milne "The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it." - Abbie Hoffman "Flattery is alright as long as you don't inhale." - Adlai Stevenson "I don't even know what street Canada is on." - Al Capone "No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomena as first love?" - Albert Einstein "These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sounds never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock "Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human understanding." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary "Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization." - Ambrose Bierce "One cannot play chess if one becomes aware of the pieces as living souls and of the fact that the Whites and the Blacks have more in common with each other than with the players. Suddenly one loses all interest in who will be champion." - Anatol Rapoport "The universe is laughing behind your back." - Anonymous "Research is the art of seeing what everyone else has seen, and doing what no one else has done."- Anonymous "Who dares, wins."- Anonymous "The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement." - Anonymous "In place of infinity we usually put some really big number, like 15." - Anonymous Computer Sciences Professor "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." - Aristotle "Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?" - Artemus Ward "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him." - Arthur C. Clarke "My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure." - Ashleigh Brilliant "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." - Ashleigh Brilliant "Try to relax and enjoy the crisis." - Ashleigh Brilliant "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again." - Bart Simpson "Nowhere to fall but off; Nowehere to stand but on." - Benjamin King "I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy" - Bern Williams "On the edge of desitiny, you must test your strength." - Billy Bishop,WWI Ace "Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower." - Bruce Feirstein "If you wish to truly make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charlie Brown "Ful wys is he that can himselven knowe!" - Chaucer "What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the greath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." - Crowfoot "What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." - Dwight D. Eisenhower "Maybe nothing lasts forever, even when you stay together." - Sheryl Crow "I cannot be, until you're resting here with me." - Dido "For what it's worth, it was worth all the while..." - Green Day "It's a big enough umbrella, but it's always me that ends up getting wet." - Police, Everything she does is magic "Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance, the silver moon's sparkling...so kiss me" - Sixpence None The Richer "Your clothes never wear as well the next day/And your hair never falls in quite the same way/You never seem to run out of things to say." - Nine Days, Story of a Girl "Grace finds beauty in everything. Grace finds goodness in everything." - U2, Grace "At the corner of your lips, as the orbit of your hips, eclipse, you elevate my soul." - U2, Elevation "I'm not afraid to die/I'm not afraid to live/And when I'm flat on my back/I hope to feel like I did." - U2, Kite "Give me some of that old time religion...HAIL ZEUS!" - Anonymous "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde "Those who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones who dropped it in the first place." - Anonymous "Genius is not about making something brand new, but taking something done before and making it appear new." - Leonard Bernstein "Duck!" - David L. Atkinson "I just choked on an Altoid. I almost died on a fucking pink mint!!" - Dave Atkinson "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house" - George Carlin "They are able because they think they are able" - Veril "Our greatest glory rests not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Oliver Goldsmith "The heart has reason that reason does not understand." - Jacques Benigne Bossuel "That is the saving grace of humor: if you fail, no one is laughing at you." - A. Whitney Brown "Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in." - Evan Davis "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." - Douglas Adams "Marriage: A master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two." - Ambrose Bierce "Science is facts; just as houses are made of stone, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science." - Jules Henri Poincare "It requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious." - Alfred North Whitehead "We see only what we know." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe "I do not like it, and I am sorry I ever had anything to do with it." - Erwin Schrodinger, speaking of quantun mechanics. "Those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum mechanics cannot possibly have understood it." - Neils Bohr "Penetrating so many secrets, we cease to believe in the unknowable. But there it sits nevertheless, calmly licking its chops." - H. L. Mencken "The chess-board is the world; the pieces are the phenomena of the universe; the rules of the game are what we call laws of Nature. The player on the other side is hidden from us. We know that his play is always fair, and patient. But we also know, to our cost, that he never overlooks a mistake, or makes the smallest allowance for ignorance." - Thomas Huxley "Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and to think what nobody else has thought." - Albert Szent-Gyorgi "More than ever, the creation of the ridiculous is almost impossible because of the competition it recieves from reality." - Robert A. Baker "Why are things as they are and not otherwise?" - Kepler "What's the go of that? What's the particular go of that?" - James Clerk Maxwell as a child "One had to be a Newton to notice that the moon is falling, when everyone sees that it doesn't fall." - Paul Valery "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are." - Anais Nin "Love: The irresistable desire to be irresistably desired." - Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) "If I know what love is, it is to be irresistably desired." - Herman Hesse "Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Herman Hesse "To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." - Bertrand Russell "Performing the motions of a scientist does not make one a scientist. You must think like a scientist, philosophize like a scientist, feel like a scientist, be a scientist." "This is often a question that science struggles with: knowing when to accept data and move on, or knowing when you can do better, when you need to do better." - David W. Pratt "Perform all experiments as worst as you possibly can, while still obtaining the data that you need. If you've done more, you've wasted your time." - David Borst "My aim in writing fiction is above all to make you see, and that is everything." - Joseph Conrad "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75% of the population." - David Letterman "Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female." - Desmond Morris "Inanimate objects can be classified into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost." - Russell Baker "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneres "The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to work with." - Marty Feldman "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" - Charlie Brown "Some mornings, it;s just not worth chewing through the leather straps." - Emo Philips "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy "Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?" - Steven Wright "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks "I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde "Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people." - Oscar Wilde "I have nothing to declare except my genius." - Oscar Wilde "Work is the curse of the drinking class." - Oscar Wilde "How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" - Woody Allen "If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex?" - Art Hoppe "My mother said to me, 'If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.' Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso." - Pablo Picasso "Thank God I'm an atheist." - Luis Bunuel "In the begnning there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light,' and there was still nothing, but everybody could see it." - Dave Thomas "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." - Emo Philips "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett "The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible." - George Burns "I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor." - Joan Rivers "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." - David Daye "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - Dave Barry "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy." - Fred Allen "I like children - fried." - W. C. Fields "I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastc cup." - Eddie Izzard "He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead." - Voltaire "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." - Douglas Adams "Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." - Dan Quayle "Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth." - Will Rogers "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - Dan Quayle "I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up." - Lenny Bruce "My first rule of travel is never go to a place that sounds like a medical condition and Critz is clearly an incurable disease involving flaking skin." - Bill Bryson "Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but there they are. They are dead, but there they are." - Yakov Smirnoff "Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name BZJXXLLWCP is pronounced Jackson." - Mark Twain "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator," we say "lift"...they say "President," we say "stupid psychopathis git." - Alexai Sayle "All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce "The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet." - Oliver Herford "No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." - Ashleigh Brilliant "I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" - Ernest Hemingwa "If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't." - Emerson Pugh |
| Sometimes we say stupid things. Sometimes we say hilarious things. And sometimes we say things that show off our quick wit and sharp minds. Here are all three. If you have any more, please email them to me! |