Title: undecided (3)
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Rating: PG-13
Band: La:Sadies
Contains: Violence, adult language, drama
Warning: This is fiction, okay? Don’t sue me.
Comments: This is sort of an unusual piece for me. It’s not too long, and on top of that, it has a less depressing ending than most of my work. And also, it’s less yaoi... but still, it’s important to me, and I think that maybe a lot of you out there might be able to understand too. It was interesting to try to write it from the other person's perspective. Please comment when you’re through with this... I really want to know what you think about it.
Other: This is dedicated to Xelyna. It’s the promise I wish I could make to you.
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‘I’m becoming a hermit,’ Kaoru thought, staring idly ahead. ‘This is pointless.’
Barely dressed at all and feeling rather sloppy because of it, he was sitting on the floor in his apartment. His legs were stretched out beneath the short table and his arms were folded on top of it, his chin leaning on his arms. He hadn’t cleaned in a while, so things were a little messy around him, but he ignored them. His guitar was leaning against the wall, silently complaining to be played and reminding him that he needed to practice while the band was on a short hiatus, but he didn’t have the motivation to play it.
About a week ago, Die had apologetically come to him with the news that a family member, one he didn’t know well, had died. His family had called and asked that he come home for a week to attend the funeral and prayer services, and the band couldn’t really do anything until he got back.
Five days had passed since Die had left, and in his absence, the remaining four members of La:Sadies were pretty much keeping to themselves and enjoying the time off.
...for the most part.
Kisaki and Shinya were enjoying it, anyway. Kaoru had no idea what either of them were up to, although he and Shinya had talked just the other day on the phone to check up on each other. But Kaoru mused that the others were probably off in their own worlds, visiting their families, dating, something like that. Kaoru himself, on the other hand, had barely left his apartment since the last rehearsal a week ago.
He’d been thinking and thinking of Kyo, or of what to do about Kyo, with no solution. He had no real excuse to see the vocalist, now that everyone was spending some well-deserved time apart, and he didn’t have the courage to just call Kyo for no reason and make something up. They were friends, of course, but Kaoru could tell that Kyo was backing off, now that Kaoru had continually started bothering him about his "habits".
The two of them had been more or less avoiding each other, whether consciously or unconsciously.
‘I’m such an idiot,’ Kaoru could only think, running his hand through his hair, which had separated into clumped strings since he had failed to take the gel out of it properly the previous day. ‘I’m worrying too much... but then, maybe I’m not worrying enough...’
He was afraid for Kyo’s sake, and that he couldn’t deny. Even though he knew that Kyo didn’t intend to kill himself, he couldn’t full put his faith in such a statement. After all, what if Kyo lost control of himself, or became wildly depressed... and one thing led to another... and being unable to soothe his grief, he just decided to end it?
Kaoru shuddered, unable to bear the thought.
By the time the evening came, and it was dark out, Kaoru decided that he’d waited long enough. Quickly he got into the shower and cleaned himself up, then pulled on some clothes and his warm black overcoat. He was feeling too antsy to stay home another night and just think about Kyo when he should have actually been DOING something about it.
Stepping out the door, into the elevator, out of his building, and down the street, Kaoru found that he was walking abnormally fast. His pace was anxious and high-strung.
‘I’m being unreasonable... I should calm down.’
He found himself at Kyo’s apartment building yet again, but stood outside on the frosty sidewalk staring up at the window that he knew was Kyo’s for a long time. His hands in his pockets to keep them from freezing and falling off, he knew that he was in everyone’s way, and even cursed at a few people who shoved into him as they hurried by. But still, long purple hair thrown over one shoulder, he stayed there, unsure of what he was even doing. What was the point of this little excursion, anyway?
At last he entered the building and took the elevator up to the proper floor. Now, as opposed to before, he walked slowly, almost hesitantly or fearfully, towards Kyo’s door.
He was about to knock on it, but then got another idea. Trying the knob, he found that it wasn’t locked.
After all, Kaoru had had to let himself in before, when Kyo was asleep or listening to loud music, so it had grown to be a habit for Kyo to leave his door unlocked. And when Kyo was asleep, or busy with something, almost nothing would stir him... so this wasn’t unusual. Hesitantly, Kaoru stepped in and looked around.
The television was off, but at least a couple of lights were on. Usually Kyo liked to sit in darkness even at the expense of his eyesight. Kaoru shut the door behind him and moved through the room.
At the bedroom, he paused, and put his hand on the doorframe. The door was almost entirely shut.
But he gave it a little nudge, and it acquiesced.
As it slid open, Kaoru took an uncertain step in, and then another, and another, and then lifted his eyes and looked.
Just as he’d thought.
The bed was in disarray, sheets all tangled up and knotted, pillows thrown against the headboard behind them, and leaning against those pillows cross-legged was Kyo. The longer part of his dark hair had been pushed back, but the brown bangs with their black roots were hanging over his downturned face, barely masking the expression of anger and pain, and the tears, which were evident. The pale skin of his arms was a contrast to the long bleeding wounds that he was busy trying to inflict, and around him, a small collection of silver razors sat waiting to be used. A couple of them already HAD been used. Drops of blood occasionally slid down from his arms and burst on the sheets. He was bare from the waist up, only wearing a pair of ripped jeans.
The tears in the denim made it easy to see that not too long ago, he had probably attacked his legs in the same manner as his arms.
Kaoru stopped in the doorway, stunned, and immediately he swallowed, feeling his throat moving. It didn’t help that he’d read about this sort of thing, heard songs about it, seen movies about it, so many times. He’d never seen the actual act taking place before.
Kyo heard the creak of the door hinges across the room, and stopped suddenly. Slowly, his gaze moved up, eyes shifting beneath his bangs half-hiding them.
Kaoru and Kyo only stared at each other for a long minute. Nothing to say.
But then, without thinking, Kaoru allowed his shock to get the better of him, and he opened his mouth. His voice died in his throat, but on the second attempt, he managed to say suddenly, "Stop that. Put that down."
Kyo tensed slightly, a flood of fury coming up into his eyes. However, before he could say anything, he regained some control over himself, and looked down. The fingers that were clutching the razor started to tremble, and finally, unable to take it, he opened them and let the razor fall onto the bed. With the other hand, he reached up and started wiping away his tears in frustration, sniffling hard, trying to deny that he’d ever been crying.
"I... I can’t believe this," Kaoru mumbled, shaking his head, as he unconsciously walked into the room and stopped at the foot of the bed.
He could only stare down at the razors, and Kyo’s arms, and try to quell the feeling of nausea.
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
Kyo’s soft, rasping voice met Kaoru’s ears, and the guitarist finally looked at Kyo’s face again. Seeing the anger and the hidden shame there, it took him another minute to find the composure to respond, although all he was doing was answering a question with a question. "Why are you doing this? Why?"
"We talked about this." Kyo spoke through slightly gritted teeth, looking away. He was completely ignoring the pain in his arms, clenching his fingers into fists.
"I know, but I... I never knew that..."
"You had to see it to believe it, ne?" But Kyo’s voice was rough. "Leave. Now."
Kaoru couldn’t believe that Kyo was talking to him like this. They were friends, after all, and had always gotten along well, perhaps even better than with the others. He had to wonder at first whether to feel hurt, but eventually realized that Kyo was just ashamed of being seen like this, of being found out. The guitarist moved a little closer. "No. I’m not leaving."
"Didn’t you hear me? Get out!"
"I said no," Kaoru repeated insistently. Although he was still horrified at the sight in front of him, he at least wanted to present his own case. "I told you I wanted you to stop."
"You think I give a shit? This is none of your fucking business!" Tears of rage were starting to make Kyo’s eyes glossy again. The pain had been so great, but for a moment he could actually forget his emotional agony to focus on his fury against Kaoru. "Now leave!"
"I won’t." Kaoru tried not to look at the cuts.
Kyo searched around him for a moment, trying to think of something, and finally said, "If you don’t leave... I’m going to cut myself again. I don’t care whether you’re watching me or not, I’ll do it. Now, you can step out and actually give me back my privacy, or you can choose to stay here and watch me, and possibly ruin our friendship because you have to be so nosy and insensitive. It’s up to you." His voice was almost shaking with anger.
The idea of all of this made Kaoru recoil slightly. Ruining the friendship was the last thing that he wanted to do... but yet again, he knew that if he turned his back on Kyo, walked out when he was like this, it would be even worse than incurring Kyo’s temporary wrath.
Abruptly he came forward and sat down on the foot of the bed, bringing his legs up and crossing them beneath him, only a couple of feet away from Kyo. He reminded himself not to move too close, because he knew that it wouldn’t be wise to accidentally intimidate the vocalist. However, he said nothing, and kept his eyes on Kyo the entire time.
Kyo’s nostrils flared slightly in indignation, and his muscles started trembling. "Didn’t you hear me?" he said again. "Just leave me alone! Unless you want to watch, then..."
Kaoru shook his head, silently refusing to leave. For a moment he wracked his mind looking for the right words, and said quietly, "You’re being a fucking idiot." Before Kyo could start to throttle him, he continued quickly, "You don’t mean to be, but something like this... it won’t do anything to make things better. I know that it makes the pain go away, but that pain is only going to keep coming back. I probably sound like a goddamn therapist or something, which is the last thing you want to hear, but I don’t know any other way of going about this."
Kyo watched him, still irate.
Simply, Kaoru finished with, "I’m your friend, Kyo-kun. At least, I hope you consider me a friend, because you’re certainly mine. I just can’t let you do this again and again to yourself. I’m not leaving, so get used to it. And no matter what you do to yourself..." his eyes quickly scanned the bed, "...I’m going to do the same thing."
Kyo’s anger disappeared for a moment in his surprise. He understood exactly what Kaoru intended to do, but he had a very difficult time believing it. True enough, he looked at the guitarist’s face and saw that Kaoru was looking at the razors with disdain, and despite his words, he made no move to touch any of them. Kaoru even shuddered slightly after seeing the blood again. Kyo’s sharp, pained eyes confirmed to his mind, then, that Kaoru couldn’t be serious.
With a little humorless smirk, Kyo shook his head. The expression was somehow more one of grief and self-revulsion than anything else. To himself, he thought, ‘He wouldn’t really do that. He’s just full of shit.’
And then he couldn’t look at Kaoru any longer. Weakening, Kyo pulled his eyes away and settled them on the razor he’d been using before. The blood had started to dry on it, giving it a rusty sheen. He picked it up, able to feel Kaoru staring at him, and glanced at the inside of his wrist. The way he cut himself, most times, was rather unique---he would start with other parts of his arms, and usually when he was only at the height of despair would he actually cut his wrists. Therefore, the flesh over his left wrist was unmarred up until this point.
Kyo decided on this spot. Without hesitation, he brought the razor over to his wrist and pushed it in with practice, applying pressure, slowly drawing it across the skin and then withdrawing it. Just as he suspected, the cut soon began to ooze drops of blood. It wasn’t too severe of a mark, unfortunately...
He heard Kaoru swallow, and looked up with weary eyes.
‘I wonder if he’s going to cry. Heh. He’ll probably run out of here and never speak to me again. Kick me out of the band, maybe.’
Kaoru was staring at his wrist, watching in unhidden horror as the blood came out of it, obviously much more affected than Kyo. Perhaps he was having those second thoughts now. But then, his eyes moved off the cut and onto the bed again, and quickly his hand went out and snatched one of the unused razors off the sheets, the one near his foot.
Kyo’s eyes widened. "K..."
Kaoru’s hand was shaking slightly, and he seemed lost. After all, he’d never done anything like this before, but apparently his mind was set on it. As Kyo watched, Kaoru shrugged out of his overcoat and let it crumple onto the bed behind him, revealing the long-sleeved shirt that he was wearing underneath. In one rapid motion, Kaoru rolled the sleeve of his left arm up around his elbow, and still holding the razor, he took one last moment to gather himself.
Then, without any further hesitation, he mimicked Kyo exactly, bringing the razor over to his wrist and pushing the blade into his skin. His body shivered slightly, convulsing at the sudden pain, but he kept his cool and slid the blade across his skin. Pulling it out, he stared in wonder at all the blood that all of a sudden began to appear. Being inexperienced, he had cut deeper than Kyo, not measuring his movements, and the crimson started to gush.
A second passed, and then Kaoru felt the effects a bit. Gasping in pain, he winced, as some of the blood dripped down off his wrist.
And Kyo snapped.
Dropping his razor, his hand lashed out and caught a handful of the sheets, while his other hand grabbed ahold of Kaoru’s. Feeling his heart thumping wildly, he pressed the fabric against the wound on the guitarist’s wrist, eyes wide. "Kaoru!" he hissed. "What the fuck are you DOING?"
"I’m... I’m doing what you’re doing. Just what you’re doing. I told you I would."
Kaoru finally looked up from his wound, and met Kyo’s eyes. For a second, Kyo stared back at him, unspoken statements racing in the air between them. But then, Kyo looked away, and continued to stubbornly try and focus on something unimportant in the distance. He released Kaoru and moved back slightly, but then Kaoru set his own razor down also and reached out.
When the guitarist’s hands suddenly grabbed his, Kyo jumped a bit in surprise. He looked down and saw that the gash on Kaoru’s wrist was still welling up with blood, but Kaoru didn’t seem to notice it anymore.
"I want you to stop. Don’t you get it? I can’t stand that you’re doing this to yourself."
Kyo swallowed.
"I’m WORRIED about you. It’s not healthy, and it makes me feel like you don’t trust me enough to come to me when you’re upset. Like you’d rather rip yourself to pieces than just talk to me. I mean, we’re... we’re friends, aren’t we?"
"O-Of course..."
Kaoru sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. His wrist was really starting to burn now, burn and sting at the same time, and it wasn’t something he was used to. In the back of his mind, he had to wonder how Kyo could manage to tolerate this kind of pain every time he cut himself. But the thought was too grotesque, so he opened his eyes again and looked at Kyo, still gripping his hands. "Promise me you’ll stop. Just promise. I know it’ll be hard, but... please."
Kyo was silent for a long moment. He could feel the blood drying on his arms, the wounds closing up and starting to form scabs. Those scabs would turn into scars, and the scars, in most cases, would eventually fade away.
The scars... would fade away...?
Then perhaps it would get better... when he had no scars to remind him of his pain anymore...
At last, Kyo looked up and met Kaoru’s eyes again. Once more, they stared at each other, unable to say anything more for the moment. Kaoru’s slender fingers were gripping Kyo’s hands so tightly that his knuckles were starting to turn white. Kyo felt as though he was teetering on the edge, the edge between life and death. Of course, if he chose the side of death, it didn’t mean that he would go immediately. Years would pass, probably, of him hurting himself and hurting himself, again and again, only making it worse, and then eventually he would die. Life, though... would that be any better? Would he have to try to forge on and just bear the pain?
He didn’t know if he could trust himself to speak, and when he parted his lips his voice was soft.
"It... It’ll be hard to stop, Kaoru-kun. Really hard. Cutting... it makes some of the pain go away, and that’s not something I want to give up. But staying friends with you is really important to me, more important than anything like this. So I... I’ll try to stop. I’ll try to get better. I-Is that what you want?" he finished doubtfully, meekly.
Kaoru felt relief flooding up inside him. "Of course, Kyo-kun, I’d do anything. I just want to help you."
"You... You do?" Kyo felt himself trembling again.
"Absolutely." Kaoru nodded, and smiled gently.
Kyo stared at him. The guitarist had said the words before, but it had taken him this long to actually hear them, or believe them. He barely felt it when Kaoru suddenly released his hands and pulled him against him in a hug, being careful of the slashes on his arms without even caring whether the blood got on him.
At last, unfreezing, Kyo collapsed against Kaoru’s chest and started to cry, clutching the fabric of his shirt. Finally the tears broke free, and he let it all out.
---owari---