------------------------------------
Title: Nikushimi to Ai
Author: scarlet kozi
E-mail: [email protected]
Band: Malice Mizer
Genre: Horror, romance
Rating: R
Warning: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE UNPREPARED TO DEAL WITH TWISTED ROMANCE / HATRED (hence why the title means "Hatred and Love"), POSSIBLE INSANITY, DEATH, AND NECROPHILIA. In that order. And yet this is complete fiction. Disturbing, extremely disrespectful fiction, but fiction nonetheless. Just so that everything is very clear. I also want to make clear the fact that I do not hate Gackt and would never want him to die. In fact, I still love Gackt, even if he's turned into a complete pop advertising freak. This story is completely sick... but for some reason, I�m really content with it.
Oh, and: I don't own Malice Mizer in any form, nor do I own the past, present, or future members of the afore-mentioned band. I have no right to make up this story in the first place, let alone post it on the internet. But if you're still alive when you're done reading this, please review. Unless all you want to say is "Never write again, you sick messed-up freak!" because then I will kill you.
Comments: I apologize. Sincerely.
I started this: at 6:23 pm on Thursday, July 18, 2002.
------------------------------------
Nikushimi to Ai
by
scarlet kozi
"Gackt, try to understand."
I wince. When Mana speaks in that tone, that quiet, seething tone, he's angry, and very angry indeed. Since I've been his friend forever, I know things like that by now. He and I don't fight often, of course, but I can tell when something is really bothering him. He can't help but let it out in his voice, no matter how calm and collected he looks. Yu~ki is trying to pretend that he can't hear any of this, and Kami occasionally looks up, worried, as though he wants to step in but has realized that it would only fan the flame. The two of them are my friends, too, but...
"Understand? Understand what?"
"Gackt..."
Mana says his name strangely, more harshly than usual. I dare to look up from my guitar for a minute, and my eyes move back and forth between him and Gackt, who are both standing while the rest of us sit.
Mana looks beautiful, a doll as always, dressed in his black little dress and patterned stockings, with his hair pinned up and his fur-trimmed black coat simply for fashion. But his face is contorted in an expression of anger. Gackt, dressed more casually in a dark blue suit-like ensemble, looks even less composed, shooting dagger-like glances at Mana.
It seems like both of them are absorbing all light in the room and are now burning it like fuel, their bodies emanating sheer, uncharacteristic opposition to each other. Kami, Yu~ki and I� The three of us are like timid children watching their parents argue.
"No," he insists heatedly, "understand what? You want me to leave!"
Unlike Mana, or Yu~ki or Kami, Gackt is more than a friend. I shouldn't say "more", because Mana knows more about me than Gackt does, and Mana is not, nor has he ever been my lover. But Gackt and I have something else, even if it isn't necessarily better than friendship.
I can tell, also, that Gackt is really getting upset at this point. He and Mana used to be lovers, the way that he and I are now. In a different way, really, but still, they did all the same things that we do. Sex, dating, flattery, sweet words, loving whispers. Things like that. Things that Gackt never likes to do in public, which I can understand, because if someone saw us...
"But you're the one who's been talking about wanting more. You're the one who's been saying that Malice Mizer isn't enough for you. Don't try to deny it now."
After hearing this from Mana, my eyes snap up and onto Gackt, shocked.
Wanting more? Malice Mizer isn't enough?
I don't remember him saying anything like that... at least, not to me.
"Yes, but..." Gackt clearly doesn't know what to say. He's at a loss for words, which is bizarre�I've never seen him like this before. His arms folded, I can see his fingers shifting as they grip the fabric of his sleeves, his eyes turned down and flicking back and forth. His perfect face looks tense, dismayed, angered. "This isn't fair."
------------------------------------
This isn't fair.
Those were the last words he said before getting his jacket and leaving the studio. I could only stare after him, shocked, trying to keep my jaw from falling open and embarrassing myself. He never leaves like that, so suddenly, without having the last word. He always has the last word. And usually he gives me a ride to my apartment. But today I had to take the train.
It�s taken me a while to understand what happened.
Mana and Gackt argue a lot, that's true. In the beginning things worked out remarkably well, and then Mana confessed to me that the two of them were seeing each other. I was fine with it. I didn't care anything for Gackt so early. But somehow or another, even when he and Mana were still dating, Gackt started smiling at me strangely, and leaving little notes for me, and coming over to my apartment without calling, just to "spend some time together". I didn't know what to do. But by the time he and Mana broke up, he and I were practically already deep into our own relationship anyway.
He's said so many times that he loves me. A strange thing to hear from a man to another man. I've noticed that men are more reserved about their feelings. Even me. Emotions like love are kept much better in check with men, as though by openly giving a portion of their heart away, they'll lose something of themselves. I guess that's true.
I have faith that he loves me, but...
Why won't he pick up the phone?
I've called him nine times. Exactly nine, including this time just a moment ago before I hung up the phone resignedly, completely exasperated. If Gackt wasn't involved I would just back off and let things flow, but it's Gackt. And it's Malice Mizer, too.
I can't believe he's leaving the band. Mana's the one who practically kicked him out, of course. I realize that. I could see it in their argument�they'd talked about this before, when Kami and Yu~ki and I weren't around, and had more or less come to this decision themselves. It seems almost as though it was meant to happen, Mana and Gackt having one last blowout and finally deciding that one of them had to go. It's only expected that it would be Gackt. Mana is Malice Mizer, after all.
After he stormed out, I followed Gackt out of the studio, abandoning my guitar and ignoring the wide-eyed expressions on Yu~ki's and Kami's faces, practically chasing him down the hall. But when I put my hand on his arm, he pushed me away.
------------------------------------
He won't see me. He only answers my calls sometimes, when he feels like it. But I know when he's home. I can just feel it when he lets the phone ring and ring and ring, sitting on his bed, probably, reading a book, fully aware that it's me but pointedly ignoring me. I hate that. He cares about me, we should be together, he should be answering my calls.
He's out of the band, at least. It's been a couple of months, and during one of our rare calls when he actually picked up, he told me that he had a record deal. He'd found musicians and was working on his first solo single.
Gackt. Without us. It just doesn't seem right.
I feel moody and upset. I can't help it�it's childish, but I feel abandoned. He won't talk to me, won't see me. He won't let me come over, and he won't come over here. When I ask him to meet me somewhere, he says that he's busy working on his single. Always his single, the new band, a magazine interview, publicity, etc., etc. No time for me anymore.
And it's not my place to just show up at his apartment and let myself in, like I always used to. It would be too forward. In our relationship, he's always been the stronger personality. We both have strong personalities, and if I wasn't so submissive to him we could really fight, like he and Mana used to. But we don't, because, like I said, I submit. He dominates, and I submit. Emotionally and in bed, too. He's a very sexual person, Gackt. So am I, but even I have to admit that he can keep going for a good hour longer than I can. I don't know what's up with him and his sex drive. I wish he would let me be on top, but he never has and probably never will.
We haven't had sex for a while. I miss it, even if he always insisted that I had to be on the bottom. I miss him.
What does he want to accomplish by pushing me away like this, anyway? Maybe he wants to forget the band, to forget me because I'm in the band. But he loves me. He said he did. I know he does.
It's really not fair that he and Mana talk. They argued, and they could barely speak to each other for a little while, but it seems like now that they're apart, their friendship is only growing again. They're still close even though their romance, and their musical vision, fell apart. I feel envious of them sometimes, because it seems like Gackt trusts him more than me, and it's me that he's with. And Mana is my best friend, yet he acts as though he's told me everything he can, and now he has to turn to Gackt. But from what I've heard, Gackt tells Mana a lot of the time that he's busy and can't talk, too.
Where do I fit in?
I can't help but feel angry. I can't help but wake up in the middle of the night shaking with madness, that Gackt would ignore me like this, and focus so much attention on his new damned career. Who cares about his career? What about me? What about the rest of us? Does he just want to push us into the past forever? Me? Does he hate me?
No, he can't hate me. He loves me.
He said so himself.
------------------------------------
Kami is dead. I didn't get to say goodbye. None of us did. The tears won�t stop, but I won�t show them to anyone... It�s not fitting.
Gackt didn't even show up for the funeral. How can he be this way? He loved Kami too. In a friendly way, not the way that he loves me, but it was still love of some kind. I can forgive him ignoring me, I can forgive the fact that I've called him six hundred and twenty seven times and he's only answered fifty-two of those calls, but... he shouldn't hold it against Kami. Gackt...
Is it that he doesn't love me anymore? Could that... Could that be possible?
But he said that he loved me. Time and time again he said it, when we were alone, in each others' arms, when he was on top of me. He couldn't have been lying. I know he wasn't. I mean, the look in his eyes was so sincere. Maybe the flame has just... gone away, for him... but no. No. He can't leave me. Not only because he wants a new career. Not, at least, without telling me why I'm not enough for him anymore.
What's happening to him?
Or... what's happening to me...?
------------------------------------
I can't help but brood, even months later. Months after the memorial box, months after Gackt and his stupid new first album. He still won't call me back, after all. He still acts as though those messages from me aren't on his machine.
One time he picked up and said, uneasily, "Don't call me anymore."
Don't call you anymore, I wanted to sneer? Why shouldn't I call you? You love me, don't you? You should want to hear from me, see me again. I always love hearing your voice, you know, and I�d love to see you. That's why I buy your shitty singles and your ridiculously over-hyped photobook: they act as a substitute for you.
I don't even like his music all that much, nor do I really like what Gackt has done to his appearance. He looks so normal now, and his hair is too short. I liked what he looked like in the band better, when he let Mana tell him what to do with his hair, and which clothes to dress himself in. But despite the fact that I am not a Gackt fan, so to speak, hearing his voice and seeing his face helps�even if his voice skips in the CD player sometimes, and even if his face feels flat, and not as soft, when I touch it with my fingertips.
It helps me pretend that I can soothe my inner pain.
It helps me try to reason with myself.
But then again, it only helps my soul sink further into darkness, too.
I had to buy a second copy of one of his singles, because in a fit of anger, I ripped it out of the CD player and broke it in half. Then into quarters. And then after that there were too many little shards to count. But I didn't bother buying another copy of his photobook. I know that if I did, it would end up just like this one�all the pictures ripped out, scribbled on, stabbed with knives and scissors and pins, and stuck on my wall.
'I love you, Gackt,' I think to myself, alone in my apartment. 'And you love me. But we both sure have funny ways of showing it.'
Soon Yu~ki tells me that he and Mana want me to meet someone. Some guy that has been Yu~ki's friend for a while. I think I've heard him talking about this stranger, but I've never met him personally. Mana has, I know that. Gackt probably even has. But I haven't. So I let Mana come over and drag me to a cafe where Yu~ki and this man named Haruna are waiting.
I see them from across the room as we step into the cafe, Mana's hand poised at the crook of my elbow like he's a lady. I think it's cute how he does that, actually. I like to tease him for it, but really, it's endearing.
The man sitting next to Yu~ki is very handsome, I have to admit. Thin and pretty enough, although distinguishable as a man. Sort of like Gackt, only this man's jaw is more square and his features are slightly more sharp. He's dressed fashionably, mostly in black, and is leaning back. He looks very stately, now that I think about it�I can't pull my eyes away from his face even as he hesitantly smiles at me to be polite, even as Mana pushes me to sit down across from Yu~ki.
Mana and Yu~ki and Haruna discuss their ideas. I heard Yu~ki telling me that Haruna was a singer, and had a band, but I guess he doesn't have that band anymore, because Mana wants him to sing for us.
"As our vocalist?" I ask, incredulous.
Mana gives me a look. He knows about my lingering attachment to Gackt. He knows that I would probably rip the table out of the floor if I was to hear that Haruna was going to replace Gackt. Because no one can replace Gackt, not really. No one.
"He's only going to sing on a few of our tracks, Kozi-kun, under an anonymous name. For the new album."
I eye Haruna anyway, as my blood begins to stop simmering. "Wakatta..."
Haruna looks very nervous. But when Yu~ki casts me a glance and tries to apologize for me, he gives a little tentative laugh and a smile, nodding and saying something about how we all have those kinds of days. I don't know, he doesn't seem like that bad of a guy. I just can't help feeling territorial. I can't help defending Gackt's place because Gackt isn't here to do it himself. It's my responsibility, after all. Gackt and I are lovers. I love him, even though I'm really starting to hate him.
In fact, I'm starting to hate him so much that it scares me. I don't want to say that to Mana or Yu~ki, though, especially not in front of Haruna.
I hate Gackt. But only because I love him.
------------------------------------
My heart is beating a little bit fast, the phone clicking as it taps against all the earrings in my ear. I want him to pick up. I want him to answer it, damn it. Our album has just come out and we're doing really well�some people thought that we would fail without Gackt, without Kami, but we did it.
And Gackt hasn't said a word.
'At least he should call me now,' I think to myself tensely, feeling a bit of anger bubbling up as I tap my fingers in a rhythmic pattern on the desk. My fingernails are growing too long, and I should trim them if I want to play guitar properly. And the dark red polish on them is chipping off.
I wait for him to pick up, but it rings a third time. 'Why is he making me call him? He should be calling me, now that Malice Mizer is doing well, just like he is. Now that we're both even. We can put this behind us and he can start loving me again. Our careers really don't have to play such a big part in it�I don't see why he cares so much about that... Come on, Gackt, pick up the phone... I want to hear your voice... I need to hear it. It feels like I'll die if I can't talk to you again.'
I know that Gackt knows it's me. After all, this is his private number. No one knows this number, except for people he works with, and his friends. And lovers. Like me.
Finally he picks up. "Kozi, we need to talk."
My breath catches in my throat and I feel a rush of happiness replacing the anger for a minute. The last time he actually answered one of my calls was probably about two or three months ago, and I've felt so lonely without his voice. Even those pathetic recordings and music videos haven't been able to console me. Even though I know it's only because of the caller ID, it's almost fulfilling that he knew it was me before I said anything. I don't even think, immediately, of what "we need to talk" might mean.
"Gackt... I mean... how are you?"
"Fine."
His answer is short and flat. Hmmm, I think to myself, my fingers tightening on the desk. Will it be one of those calls? I'm not too worried, though. I let out a long sigh and lean back, feeling a strange sadistic contentment in the knowledge that I've trapped him. He's picked up the phone, so now he's all mine again. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Hanging around my apartment." Before I can respond, he quickly cuts me off, sounding antsy. "But really, I have to�"
"I miss you, Gackt," I say, my voice nearly a whisper.
"Kozi..."
For a moment I close my eyes and imagine that I hear a tinge of longing in his voice. I wish it was the truth. I wish he still loved me. Deep down inside, I know he still does�he just doesn't know it. He�s denying it. "I wish that you were here right now," I say softly, opening my eyes again. "I wish I could touch you. I miss the way you feel, Gackt. I miss the way your hair smells."
"..."
"Can you come over?" I haven't asked this in a long time. After all, it's been long, so long, since I've seen him in person.
"No." This is immediate.
I start to frown, my fingers closing tighter around the phone cord instead of playing with it like they were before. The way he's been acting, you would think that I was a stalker. He sounds nervous and irritated and frustrated, and like he wants to just hang up. This is nothing like what our calls in the beginning were like. They were much nicer then. He would tell me how much he missed me and how wonderful it would be if we could share an apartment, even though something like that wouldn't work. He would tell me things that would make my breath quicken and wish that he was there to make them come true. Then, usually, he would come over and make them come true.
"Why not?"
"Kozi, please just listen for a minute."
"What?"
"You really... You have to stop calling. I know I said this before, but you still keep doing it."
"Why? You're that busy, that you can't even let me leave a message or two on your machine?" My tone is innocent, and I coil my fingers around the cord again, swinging it from side to side.
Gackt is silent, and then he sounds incredulous. "A message or two? Kozi, I got home the other day and found thirty-four messages on the machine. All from you."
I smile. "Come on, you know you loved hearing my voice." He used to like joking with me. Maybe not anymore.
There is another pause, and he takes a long, deep breath. I can't tell whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I move forward in the chair and once again stop toying with the cord. Instead, I grip it tightly, waiting for whatever it is he has to say. It might be something insignificant, unimportant, but I want to hear it. I need to hear it. It feels like my entire being is dependent upon him right now, but then, I always feel that way. He knows that he's this important to me, too. He knows it, and he takes advantage of it. He likes to hurt me. But he only does it because he loves me.
"Kozi, listen." He says this again, only in a lower, harder tone than before. "You're a grown man and you're acting like one of my prepubescent fans. You never used to act this way, before you and I started seeing each other. You used to be like any other man, really. Even more normal than me, when it comes down to it, when all images are cast off."
I say nothing, feeling one corner of my mouth twitch upwards a bit. A compliment?
"I know that we had something really special together. I know it may look like I'm an asshole who throws away his relationships and only cares about sex, but that's not true. I'll admit that I liked being with you. We had a lot of fun together. And it helped us work better together in Malice Mizer, too. But... I'm not in Malice Mizer anymore. I have my own life now. Couldn't you tell when I left that I wanted to start over?" By now the smile has disappeared from my face. "You calling all the time like this, over and over, it's... weird. You have to stop, Kozi. Just focus on Malice Mizer, focus on Mana and Yu~ki, and your new vocalist, and move on. Like I have."
Mana must have told Gackt about his plans to make Haruna, who is now Klaha, our official vocalist. Otherwise he wouldn�t know. No one outside the band knows yet. I was against it, really, but no one listened to me.
"Move on," I repeat slowly, perfectly motionless.
Gackt sounds almost relieved, as though he thinks that since I've echoed his words, they've been drilled into my mind like a command. "Yes. Move on. Go on dates with people. Normal people, not musicians. I don't know, whoever you want. Find someone new. It's really the best thing for you."
I feel a little catch in my heart. "Find... someone new?" I repeat again, but this time, icy cold. There is something absolutely horrible about those words, hearing him saying them like that.
"Someone new." He affirms it.
I pause for a moment, take a breath, and loosen my grip on the cord so that blood will flow back into my knuckles and heal their whiteness, flush them with comforting pink again. In a soft, curious tone, I ask, "Have you found someone new, Gackt...?"
He sounds annoyed. "Yes. Of course I have."
I think it's at this precise moment that my heart truly becomes black.
"Who...?"
Apparently Gackt has been under the deception that I've known all along. Impatiently, he acts as though he has not heard my question and just keeps talking. "And I'm very happy with the way things are now. This is where I belong. I'm sorry, but I'm not in Malice Mizer anymore, and I never will be again."
Does he have to keep talking about Malice Mizer? Fuck Malice Mizer. What does Malice Mizer have to do with him and I?
"There are plenty of people who would want you, Kozi, okay? Just go out and choose one of them. I really can't take this anymore�you trailing after me, leaving all these messages, acting like you think we're still together. I've moved on, I have a new life. A new lover."
I let out a little strangled laugh. "You can't have a new lover, Gackt. What are you talking about? What about me?"
He sounds angry. "Damn it, Kozi, would you just listen to me?"
"I love you, Gackt. I haven't forgotten you for a single minute since you've left Malice Mizer." My chest is tight and it feels like there are tears threatening to pool in my eyes. I hate crying. "I belong to you. And you belong to me, don't you remember? I don't give a shit that you're out of the band... that you've been out of the band for as long as you have. The band has nothing to do with it. It's you, and it's me. Nothing else. Just us."
Gackt's voice is soft and icy. "There is no 'us'."
"Yes there is!" Unable to control my anger, I slam my fist down on the desk, sending things rattling. My eyes are blazing and I can barely remember to keep holding up the phone. My entire hand throbs now, and I let it hover, trembling slightly as pain zings through my nerves into my fingers. "You can't leave me!"
"Get over it, Kozi. Just move past it."
"I can never do that. You and I are forever, Gackt. That's what you told me." My voice is shaking with fury. He's such a fucking idiot! Doesn't he understand anything?
"Well, that's in the past! Now is now. I love someone else."
"You love me."
"I'm hanging up, Kozi."
It feels like he and I are standing in an endless desert. Only inches apart. But then he turns and begins to run away from me, and furious, I don't want to let him go. I reach out for him. Desperately I growl out after him, gripping the phone, "You love me, Gackt. I know you do. And I love you. You can't ever deny that."
"I can and I will."
I didn't know I could become this angry. I've never been this angry. All I can think about is that he's trying to make me lie to myself. He's trying to make me lie to him, because he's the one who's been lying to himself all along. I don't know who his new lover is�it could be one of his musicians. Masa, You, Ren, whatever their names are. It could even be someone else�a fan-turned-whore, another celebrity. A woman, a man. I don't care.
My teeth are gritted so tightly that it hurts my head. I dig my nails into the wood of the desk, knowing that I'm the weaker party and I can't destroy it like this, but still I can feel scratches in the varnish being formed. Satisfying scratches. God, I wish this wood was his flesh right now.
"You can't leave me, Gackt. Ever. Don't forget that."
"Goodbye."
I burst out, "Gackt!"
There is silence, but I know that he hasn't hung up just yet. He was about to, though. Still he hangs on, his breathing tense and nearly inaudible.
"If... If you leave me..."
Silence.
"...I'll kill myself."
Gackt lets out a short, humorless, bitter laugh. "That's funny, Kozi. Really funny. I know you wouldn't do that."
He's given himself away. You see, I tell myself with inner triumph, he does have some weaknesses. He cannot always be the stronger party. Right now he thinks that he is. He thinks that even in this very argument, I'll give in like I always used to and succumb to his will. I even thought that maybe I would. But I feel so angry right now that I won't let myself surrender again. I'm going to make him see the truth. I'm going to make him understand that I love him, and that he loves me, no matter what he says. I know he loves me. What's the matter with him, to think that he doesn't? He told me he did. He told me himself.
"Don't leave, Gackt. Don't leave me alone. Don't turn your back on me."
"Stop it."
"Then... Then..." I search the dark room with my eyes silently, my fingers weaving their way into my own hair and pulling helplessly. "I'll kill you, Gackt. If you leave me, I'll kill you. I swear it. I'll make you sorry."
Silence.
"You think you can pretend that we never said we loved each other... that we never slept together... that you never told me I was the only one for you. Go ahead and pretend, Gackt." A slow calm settles over me, in addition to a little smile, even though my heart is still pounding loud enough to deafen me, and my long fingernails are still embedded in the wood of the desk. "But you're only deceiving yourself."
Silence.
"Don't you dare try to abandon me. Because I'll kill you. I will."
Silence. But then...
"Goodbye."
"Gackt?" I blink, then look down at the phone.
He's hung up.
------------------------------------
I can't take it anymore. No. Not anymore. This is torture. I can't stand this. I don't want to be alone like this...
He left me. How could he have done that to me? I don't understand it. I�m sitting shrunken against the wall, huddled up in a blanket, staring out the window even though I can't see anything. It's evening, and the sky is dark, but the city is glowing with lights. I feel so alone, though, even though there are people on all sides of me, past these walls. After all, without Gackt, I'm alone.
Bastard. He told me he would never leave me. He told me that he and I were better together than he'd been with Mana, than he'd been with anyone. He told me that he thought this time would be forever.
He told me he loved me. But I guess he was lying.
I hate him. I hate him with a burning passion that I've never felt before in my life. But at the same time, I love him so much and all I want is for him to be here next to me�all I want is for those words to have never left his lips. Those lips... I want to kiss them again. I want to run my fingers over them, over his face, through his hair, down his back�contours of his body that used to be so familiar to me. I want to skim my nails down his back, up his chest, over his neck... He's always had such a nice neck. I can picture it right now, with my hands sliding up it, as though to cup his face but falling just a few inches short. I wish I could touch his throat and feel him breathing through it. What I would give to close my fingers around his throat and just squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeze, until his eyes fly open and his mouth widens in a vain attempt to bring oxygen into his lungs. I would love to watch his eyes flutter shut and his body fall still.
The lines between hatred and love have grown very blurry, I've noticed...
Fucking son of a bitch. He thinks he can do that to me... Well, he can't. I'm fucking sick of liars. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me. The only people who still care about me are Mana and Yu~ki, maybe even Klaha, although he and I don't really get along so well. We do, but not like I get along with the others. You see, Gackt? I still guard your territory for you. I'm a good watch dog. Even though Klaha is Gackt's replacement, I don't recognize him as that, at least not privately. And what do I get in return? I get shit. That's all.
Because Gackt left me. And I'm going to make him sorry. I'm going to show him my love, in the best way I know. The hardest way, but the only way to make him see how much I really do love him, I think. Because I do love him.
I really do.
------------------------------------
About an hour has passed. I am now standing in the elevator, waiting impatiently for the floors to pass beneath me as I ascend to the desired level. Gackt's level.
No one else knows he lives here, but I do. I've never been here before, though. This apartment is new. Now that Gackt is so much more famous than he ever was with us, he needs a new place, a secluded place, so that his new fame and his new fans won't break through his pathetic shield and trample him. He acts like I'm one of those psychotic fans. Really I'm not. I love him much more than they ever will.
It's so dark outside, and pretty late. He probably won't be expecting me tonight.
I find myself feeling strange... like there's a snake wrapping its coils around my heart. I can't even breathe too deeply because then the snake will tighten its grip and make me choke a little. I keep moving my hands around in my pockets, shifting my weight from foot to foot, looking around nervously, and I can't help it. This is something entirely new to me. I've never felt this way before.
Finally the elevator chugs to a halt, making my stomach roll. I step out and look around.
For a minute I almost forget the room number. This hallway looks so... luxurious, so private. There are clerks and guards at the far end of the hall and I can feel their eyes on me. I must look pretty suspicious, after all, with my long dyed hair and my plucked eyebrows and my black clothes�with my white face and my mascara and my dark red lipstick. I tried to make myself look presentable when I left my apartment. After all, I am going to see Gackt�I can�t disappoint him.
The guards seem to think differently, though, as they narrow their eyes at me. I probably either look like a criminal or some rabid visual-kei fan, to them. What, don�t they recognize me? I�m famous too. But somehow I doubt that these fools would be followers of Malice Mizer. They must think that I'm one of Gackt's admirers, one of his stalkers, here to pursue him. But they seem to decide that no fan could get ahold of this address, so they stay where they are.
Good.
If they got in my way, I'd have to kill them too.
I stop in front of the door that I know in my mind belongs to Gackt. I like his old apartment better already and I haven't even gone inside this one yet. I raise my fist and knock lightly. Very lightly. Almost inaudibly.
Then harder.
No reaction.
Harder.
Where the fuck is he?
I'm getting angry and now the snake is on my side. The snake is a part of me, and it shares my anger. I pound my fist on the door, holding my breath, wondering whether I'll have to ram it down to avoid the guards that are starting to cast alarmed and angry looks in my direction. But finally the door opens and Gackt is standing there, his eyes traveling up my body.
First he looks shocked. "K-Kozi?"
"Gackt..."
Soon the surprise fades out of his eyes and is replaced by something harder, something worse. "You shouldn't be here! Someone will see you. Think of what the papers would say if they knew that you came here to my apartment."
I say nothing and look coolly at him.
"I told you on the phone�you're out of my life." He is already starting to back inside, wanting to shut the door, his eyes glowering at me. He thinks I'm only here to start trouble. Well...
Somehow I find a way to smile at him. "I told you I'd come."
I don't know what my smile looks like, but it must be frightening. Gackt's eyebrows lift suddenly, and he seems to grow anxious. Perhaps unconsciously, he begins backing up a step or two, inching away from me into his apartment, in a different way than before. It makes me want to laugh, seeing him afraid of me. He never used to be afraid of me, not at all. I think I like this.
His guard is down, so when he backs up I come forward and let myself in. Then, noticing that he's just standing there, I close the door behind me on my own.
And then I see her.
The moment I walked in, she rose from her chair to be polite. Polite? Not too many girls these days are quite that polite. I size her up quickly, warily, suspiciously. She even looks more dignified than the average fan, and probably over twenty-one, too. That's a rarity. Could this be Gackt's lover? No, I doubt it. I can tell by the look I see in his eyes, then the look I see in her eyes, that Gackt is only seeing her "on the side". He has a nasty habit of doing that, whether he means any harm or not. He's just attracted to a wide scope of people, I suppose, and no matter how much he cares for whoever it is he's seeing instead of me, this woman is a pretty distraction.
Typical Gackt. I like women too, but I haven't paid much attention to them over the last couple of years�not since Gackt and I began dating.
I can't help but bristle, noticing the way she's looking at me, and I snarl, "Leave!"
She jumps as though I slapped her, and apparently she's afraid of me too. It makes a little flutter of cruel pleasure erupt inside me, seeing the way that she mumbles an apology under her breath and goes to fetch her jacket. It makes me even more happy to see the way that Gackt protests and tries to convince her to stay. I hate the way his hand is on her arm, though.
But luckily for me, I've scared her away. She leaves. The door clicks shut behind her.
Gackt whirls around, furious. I look at him and feel my heart twitch. He always looks so good to me, even though the two of us contrast so much now. Me with my uneven halves of hair, one half curly and long and one half straight and short�almost like Tetsu used to do his, only in different colors and with varying lengths�my eyebrows nearly nonexistent, piercings in both ears, tattoos beneath my clothes... and him with his leather pants, blue silk shirt, dyed auburn hair, and blue contact lenses. I don't care, I still love him, even though his eyes are piercing me with their rage at what I've done.
"Who the hell do you think you are? Why are you even here?"
I just stand there, still in the elaborate half-western half-Japanese genkan, and look at him. "I came to see you."
"See me?" he demands, as though he's never heard of anything like that before in his life.
"I told you I would keep my promise, didn't I?"
His eyes narrow slightly. It's funny�he's the one who sees ghosts, who has that extra sense, not me. But I'm the one who's scaring him. And I'm the one who's making him forget how much higher above me he thinks he is. "Promise?" he repeats slowly.
I smile again, but only lips, no teeth. "I told you," I say more quietly, "that you shouldn't ever try to leave me, Gackt."
"Shit," he swears, which is very uncharacteristic of him, and he turns away from me angrily. "I'm sick of this!" He speaks clearly so that I can understand him. "It's over. I don't want you."
The words come as a shock, a painful shock because I really did know that he was going to say that. I was hoping that he wouldn't make me lose my temper, but it looks as though he's just asking for the agony that I plan to put him through. Coming closer, I stare right into his eyes. "I can't believe that you think you can just take my heart and my body and use them and then just throw them away. I'm not trash! I'm not something you can just get rid of!" I'm really losing it. I can hear my voice hissing like the snake inside. "You... You told me that you loved me!"
Then he says the words that I've been imagining him saying, over and over.
He sneers. "Well, I guess I was lying."
The anger grows, and grows, and grows. With any other lover I would just walk out. With any other lover I would just resolve that they're not good enough for me, that I can do better, and that I'll find someone else. But Gackt is not any other lover. Gackt is it for me. Why can't he understand that? Why can't he see that this is why I'm doing all of this? Why the fuck does he have to be such an idiot?
Unable to keep a hold on my self-control, my hands begin to tremble, as I continue to stare at him. I can't look away. Then I lash out and jerk him back, hard, pulling him out of the genkan and onto the smooth floor. I've taken him by surprise, or else maybe he would have been able to block my hands. Almost right away, though, he starts fumbling to push me off of him, as I whirl him around to face me again. Before he can hurt me, I hurt him first. I give him a violent shove, towards the nearest wall, using all my force.
He stumbles backwards, and his back crashes against that wall. His head hits it too, making a deliciously loud banging sound, and it fills me with that pleased sadistic response again. As he lets out a little gasp of pain, my mind is racing. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him right now, for hurting me. I'm going to make him sorry...
I stalk over to him, holding my breath tightly, and hit him across the face. I hate him for doing this to me.
But he doesn't react the way I expected him to. I must not be as strong as I thought I was, because he seems barely affected by the slap. Almost immediately his hands lash out, like mine did, and grab me by the fabric of my shirt, using me to push himself off the wall.
"Don't you dare fucking hit me�" I hear come out of his mouth, between breaths.
And before I can duck or pull away, he deals me a good hard whack, making my vision suddenly blur. I nearly fall limp, and his hands gripping my shirt are all that keep me up.
I remember a second too late. He works out, doesn't he... Not only is he more muscled than me by now, but he's stronger and he's used to fighting, for practice. I'm not a fighter. I don't work out, I don't do martial arts. I start to feel a little bit afraid, and the snake around my heart recedes, agreeing with me. Will my plan amount to nothing? I don't want him to hurt me again... I'm sick of him hurting me. I wanted to turn the tables around.
My body moves on its own, and I don't even command it. I push Gackt away from me again, and once more, he hits the wall. This time he's about to race towards me again when I move first, raising my fist and slamming him across the face.
His neck makes a strange popping sound, but he seems more or less all right. Only dazed, except for a little trail of blood that starts to come out of his nose. It makes me happy again to see that, and my eyes narrow slightly, my tongue sliding out to moisten my lips. I've never seen him in pain before. I really am enjoying this.
Quickly I slap him a second time, so hard that my palm makes a cracking sound against his cheek, and he gasps again. I can tell he's really getting furious with me now. He's been hesitant to really fight back, because after all, it's me�and he loves me. My face is throbbing a little where he hit me, but I know he�s sorry. He doesn't want to hurt me.
But I love him, and I do want to hurt him.
Before I see it, I feel his hand racing behind my head and gripping my hair from the back of my neck, trying to stop me and get ahold of me as his eyes blaze again. Gritting his teeth, he tries to overpower me. But I'm not letting this happen again! I want to be the one in control for a change! I want to be the one who can make him or break him with only a few little words. I don't want to be the victim anymore, I think to myself, as I use all my might to push forward and shove him against the wall again. I then use my own body, pressing hard and pushing my weight onto his ribs, squeezing them together and probably bruising them with the force. His breath whooshes out of him, along with a curse or two.
I move away then, quickly, even though his hands try to snatch ahold of me again. Out of the corner of my eyes I see him trying to breathe, sliding to the floor with his legs spread out in front of him. He huddles against the wall for a minute, and then he stares up at me.
His eyes are... surprised. He never believed that I could do this to him.
"Shit..."
But then he shakes his head quickly, feeling his ribs to make sure that none of them are broken. I guess they aren't, because he starts to get up again. I feel a pang of fear, for an unexplained reason.
And I turn and run, before he can get me.
I don't know my way around this apartment. It's a large one, too, probably one of the best he could buy, but Gackt could have anything he wants, considering all the money that he has. He has enough money to buy and sell each and every one of his fans, I'm sure. He has enough to buy and sell me, I know that. I knock into a corner, running through the darkened hallway, but finally find my way into the kitchen. Unlike the rest of the apartment, it looks comforting and warm to me, so I dart in here, trying to find shelter.
My chunky heels are making loud noises on the floor, and I realize that they�re probably only leading Gackt to me. Soon I can hear his furious steps coming behind me.
'You can't hurt me, Gackt. Not anymore.'
I look around wildly, knowing that he's coming closer, since he knows his own apartment much better than I do. My eyes fall on the drawers built into the counters and I run over to them, jerking them open wildly, searching around. Spoons, ladles, can openers, chopsticks... knives. I can't look away from the knives. He probably uses them all the time, since he's always liked to cook a bit.
I reach into the drawer and my fingers close on the handle of the largest knife. I pull it out the moment that Gackt steps into the room, whipping around and holding it out, my hands trembling as I try to avoid cutting my fingers on the huge, sharp blade. I feel threatened.
"You can't hurt me." I say it aloud this time. Even more than afraid, I'm enraged. My heart is broken.
He only stops there and looks at me darkly, eyes flicking quickly down onto the knife that I'm brandishing before focusing on my face again. "You're insane."
"Insane?" I stare at him, and then I can't help but laugh. I can't help it. He doesn't mean to be, but he's usually very funny. The straight-man in a comedy duo who always ends up unexpectedly cracking good jokes.
"Do you know why I'm doing this, Gackt? You think I've been calling you twice a day for the last couple of years because I'm bored? You think I would come over here and tell you that I love you just for kicks? You're wrong." My voice is trembling. "You think it�s because of Malice Mizer. It�s not. But just so you know, Malice Mizer died because of you. It was reborn, of course, but that part of our history is gone. Kami's dead and you didn't even bother to show up�you didn't even come to your best friend's funeral. You cast me aside, you cast all of us aside, for your new life!"
Gackt's eyes have flickered with pain several times. Maybe I'm getting through to him. As he speaks, he starts gradually edging closer, but I keep holding up the knife just in case.
"It's not wrong to want to move on. It's not wrong to want more. Is it? Would you deny me what I have, Kozi?"
I shake my head rapidly. "I don't mean that. No. I mean you telling me you loved me and then throwing me out like old trash." I swallow hard. "You told me that you loved me... You said it right to my face, again in again, while you were staring right into my eyes. How could you lie like that? How could you do that to me?" I've said it again and again, and each time I do it only makes my hatred boil deeper, and it only makes my hands grow more steady as they hold the knife.
He looks disturbed, and that's the only word I can think to describe the look on his face. He seems to decide that I really am crazy�and who knows, maybe I am�because he lunges forward and tries to wrestle the knife out of my hands. I can feel his fingers close in a vicelike grip around my wrist, the arm sliding around my body to hold me immobile, and for a minute I drink it in.
Gackt... holding me again...
But no, he wants to take the knife away.
The illusions of love and warmth disappear and I try to duck out of his grasp, turning my body around to face him instead, twisting my arms so that he can't hold them like that anymore. I wobble a little and trip over his foot, leaning on one of his bent legs, and I fall against his torso, just as I sense the knife rushing into his body. I feel hysterical, overtaken with elation and horror, as a thick noise comes out of him and we both look down at the same time, freezing, to see the blood begin to bubble up from where the blade protrudes.
He stares at me again, as though only now finally realizing that I am dangerous. That I want to hurt him.
"K... K..."
Unconsciously I release the knife and step backwards, stumbling again, against the island in the middle of the kitchen, my back hitting it and then my hands reaching back to grip it. I need some support.
Gackt, however, has none. The knife is still stuck in his body, right beneath the ribs on his left side, and one of his hands, unsteady, is beginning to go to it as though to try and pull it out. But maybe he doesn't have the courage, or the strength. His eyes are very wide as he slowly begins to sink downwards, like he did against the wall before. Soon he is on the kitchen floor, slumping against the drawers behind him. I can see that there are about two or three inches of the blade still sticking out of him. I didn't push it in all the way.
I can't believe it. For a split second�only a split second�I wonder if I have gone too far.
But if I backed out now, I wouldn't be keeping my promise. After all, the way that he's looking up at me now, it almost seems like he understands somehow, through the pain. Like he understands, despite his words, that I'm doing this because I love him.
My voice is choked and uneven as I slowly come closer, even as he cringes backwards against the wood, afraid of me. "D... Do you see it now, Gackt...? I told you I'd do it. You thought I was lying." I swallow hard again, trying to banish the lump in my throat. There is a burning coldness swimming in my veins, making my fingertips and my feet numb as I kneel down in front of him. "I won't let you hurt me and get away with it. I won't let you tell me that you don't love me when I know you do. I'm showing you that I love you."
I inch closer, and he inches backwards again. The flimsy silk of his shirt is beginning to spread with a deep red. "You could have avoided this, you know. If only you listened to me. You shouldn't have left me in the first place. You see? I don't care if you left Malice Mizer. That was never the problem. It was you leaving me. Telling me to move on, when it seems like only yesterday that you said we would be together forever."
"Kozi..." The sound is barely understandable.
"But you're the one who's made the mistake, Gackt." My eyes harden as I stare down into his face. "You're the one who's condemned yourself."
"...don't..."
The distance has closed. I am sitting by his side now, almost against his body, and I can feel him quivering against me. He wants to move away, but he can't. He wants to look away from me, but he can't. He wants to stop the pain, but he can't. He doesn't know the satisfaction I feel, to see him like this�he doesn't know how much it means to me to make him feel that pain.
I reach out and push his hands easily out of the way, closing my fingers on the handle of the knife again. His body jolts and tenses, his eyes closing as a bead of sweat breaks out on his face.
"No... please... Kozi..."
"I love you, Gackt."
I push, hard, and the remaining three inches of silver that still protrude from his body, beneath the handle, disappear.
------------------------------------
Finally I release the dripping knife, and it clatters onto the floor, splattering blood on the white tile. Then I slowly, slowly drag myself backwards, practically crawling, until I feel my back pressing against the island again. I just sit there.
Gackt isn't moving. I think he's dead.
He isn't breathing anymore, anyway, and his face is still. I think that's a good indicator of death. Luckily, his eyes are already closed�I don't think I could bear having to shut them on my own. His lips are slightly parted, but his face is still so perfect. There�s a bit of swelling on his cheek from where I slapped him, but the trickle of blood from his nose has already dried. A few sweaty strands of hair have fallen in his face.
On the floor, the blood is so high that the nail on his smallest finger has slipped beneath the surface as his hand rests there on the floor. I'm just on the outside of the puddle. Another inch or so and it would touch the heel of my boot.
I feel... blank.
But at the same time, I know that I'm smiling, even though I want to cry. I'm very confused, but in the end, I am satisfied. I did keep my promise after all. Although it's ironic that I proved how much I love him... how much I hate him... and he isn't here to believe it anymore.
'I wonder what Mana will think,' I ponder to myself, huddling back away from the blood on the floor. 'He and Gackt are still friends, after all. I don't know what they talk about, but they talk. Fucking bastard�he talks to Mana, and not to me. At least I've showed him the truth. I've helped him stop lying to himself. Even though Mana will never forgive me.'
And not just Mana...
Imagine the headlines.
The country will be in an outrage of shock. Even the United States will probably pay attention to something like this�one of Japan's biggest pop artists, brutally murdered in his own home. I can just picture that girl I saw when I came in, on television, sobbing to the press how she saw him only hours before he died. It makes me laugh a little bit. God, but the nation will be horrified. Worse than it was when hide died, probably, because in this case it's murder, not suicide. Definitely worse than when Kami died, of natural causes, anyway.
I feel myself shuddering a little bit. As I look at Gackt's face like that, I can't help but think back to the times we had together. Him whispering in my ear how beautiful he thought I was. During practice, or being on stage, hearing my own heart pounding during our dance steps together, or during "Illuminati" when I had to press up against him like that.
No, fuck "Illuminati". It only made me dream of being in that position in real life. But no, Gackt never let me dominate him.
I try to think back to more pleasant things.
I remember hearing him saying he loved me�because Gackt always had a way to say things like that, to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal when he knew it meant everything to the person he was saying it to. That's a good memory.
But soon the memories turn bitter against my own will, and I don't realize it until suddenly I find that my nails are digging into my palm and I'm coming dangerously close to the puddle of blood. The images parade around in my mind. Gackt hanging up on me, shutting the door in my face. Abandoning me. Thinking things like that makes me glad again that I've killed him. The grief and hatred take me over and almost overpower the love for a minute... even though the love and the hatred are really the same thing at this point.
'I'll show you, Gackt...'
Somehow or another, even though my legs are a bit unsteady, I push myself to my feet. The strength is starting to come back, anyway. I kick the knife aside and walk over to Gackt. I think he's dead...
Just to make sure, I tap him a little with my boot.
No movement.
It's for the best. I don't know what I would do if he suddenly rolled onto his back and started coughing. I would either begin to cry and would clutch him to me, or I would grab the knife and start insanely stabbing him again, like I did before. I don't trust myself, so it's better not to think of that. Casting the images out of my mind, I lean down and slide my arms under Gackt's from behind, getting a firm hold on his body. My hands feel hot with the blood that is coming off on them, but now I don't care.
He's heavier than I thought he would be. I try to haul him out of the room and it's really exhausting. Sometimes I pause for a minute, halfway down the near-black hallway, to puff and catch my breath.
'Funny. He never used to feel this heavy when he was on top of me.'
I'm about to rectify that, anyway...
A smeared trail of blood is left on the floor behind us as I drag him around a corner and finally to his bedroom. He has a nice, large western bed. It's strange�I could have sworn that he has a cat, and a dog, or something like that. He had the dog when he was in Malice Mizer, I think, but not the cat. They must be at his other apartment. I think he has more than one. Well, the more safe havens, the better. This one, unfortunately for him, didn't turn out to be very safe.
In the bedroom, I heft him up, nearly fall over, and let him collapse onto the bed. He's in an awkward position like that, I muse as I look him over. I push him onto his back again and look him over.
"No... this won't do. I have to get those off you."
Mumbling to myself, I lean over him and try to yank off his clothes. The shirt has begun to mat to his body, so soaked with blood is it, but with a few firm tugs, it separates from the wounds and comes off. I pull his hands out of the sleeves and rid myself of the shirt, then pull off his pants and boxers. Socks, too. The leather pants and the silk shirt were probably expensive�but they�re ruined now.
I pause a minute to stare at him.
'So beautiful, Gackt... Even now, with that blood pouring out of you. You look so pretty all the time, but not pretty in the way that Mana does, or the way that other idols do. You always were special.'
I stroke his cheek softly with one hand, the other hand already working at the button of my own pants.
I kick my big, clunky boots off and let them slam against the wall and land with a thud on the floor. It sounds nice, even though there will probably be a scuff mark there. Then I tug off my pants and my underwear, and the shirt I was wearing along with the jacket. I even jerk off my rings and take off my necklaces and bracelets, and let them fall daintily at the top of the pile.
Then I climb onto the bed, and hold myself over his body.
This is strange. He lays so still like that. As I gaze down at him through fallen strands of hair, I realize that I probably used to look like this all the time to him. But that's how he liked me�limp and pliant, so he could do whatever he wanted. Finally I know how he felt. The sense of power, of arousal, that consumes me now has got to be what he used to feel, looking down and seeing me like that. The good thing about this, though, is that no foreplay is necessary. It makes things easier this time.
My body is already practically covered in his blood, as is his. As the air flows against my wet skin, it makes me shiver a little as I push his legs apart with one arm, leaning on the weight of the other.
I reach down to position myself, then hold my breath and push.
He's not nearly as tight as I thought he would be. Maybe it's because his muscles don't react now.
Still, though, I haven't been on the giving end of this kind of relationship for a long time. Slowly I let my breath out as I continue pushing, until finally I can't push any more and I'm completely inside him. He still feels warm. Fulfilling. Satisfying. I can't help but choke down a little moan, feeling him so wet and velvety around me.
I lean down and start to kiss his neck, the clean side of it, anyway. I gasp out a few words every couple of seconds. "I've always wanted this, but you never gave it to me. You never let me. But finally I get to dominate you... and finally you get to feel how I felt..."
It takes me a minute to remember how to have sex like this. Without someone underneath me who can react, it's a bit hard to know what cues to take. Gackt doesn't moan, or sigh, or push up his hips to meet mine, so I have to do it all on my own. But I don't care. I brace myself with my hands on either side of his body and pull out, then push in. Slowly, I do it again. And again. I'm keeping a pretty good rhythm for someone with no encouragement. God, this feels good. I'm moaning enough for the both of us. His body only shifts beneath me when I speed up and start to push harder. Some hair falls over his face, his hand collapses from the pillow onto the bed.
My fingers are staining the sheets, painted in blood from his body, so I reach up, slowing down for a minute. I smear my fingertips over my lips, then press my hand against the area right over his heart, feeling the warmth consuming my palm. I reach up and drag my hand across my cheek, spreading the marks.
I start to laugh, but tenderly, as I look down at his peaceful face. He's so beautiful... I want to share this with him forever. "Here, Gackt... Feel my kiss."
I bring my hand down and touch his lips with my wet fingers, and his own mouth grows darker with the crimson. I brush over his cheek, his eyelids, and then I lean down and kiss him. The blood immediately floods into my mouth, rich and metallic, almost unpleasant. I'll have to tell Yu~ki that it isn't all it's rumored to be. But since it's Gackt's blood, I lap up as much as I can. I have to pry his lips apart with my tongue, and when I reach in and try to brush it along his, it doesn't move.
I push into him again, and then again. This time I move my hands, gripping his hips, and I speed up again. I want him to feel me completely. I want him to know what it's like, because I did enjoy it, even if I wanted to trade places sometimes. I loved feeling him inside me. Because I loved him. And now he'll love it too. I know he would.
I feel something strange and look down, even as I keep ramming in and out. Blood is starting to drip down the inside of my thigh, from Gackt. I'm misusing him, I suppose�I'm being too rough. He's bleeding down there, too. I'm surprised he has any blood left to weep at all.
But even as I see the stains seeping deeper and deeper into the sheets, I keep slamming into his body, loving the feel of it. I've wanted this for so long, so long, and he never let me have it. He pushed me away before I could get it from him. He tried to desert me forever, without looking back, leaving me begging and desiring for more. He's a tease. A hateful tease who didn't know who he was dealing with. Finally he's seen the truth. It was the last thing he saw, but he's seen it.
I hear the loud crashing of the fake-gold-metal headboard, entwined in beautiful patterns, as it hits the wall over and over. I am being rough...
But it won't last much longer�this ecstacy is nearly painful.
As I gasp for air, the scene in front of me is overtaken with spots, and I can hardly breathe, but I still have enough strength left to finish this. In, and out, again, and again, and again, I keep pushing, letting out little murmurs of reassurance for him, and finally I hit the spot the final time. Just as I do, I grab his face and kiss his lips again, wanting to swallow him completely, stroking the interior of his mouth with my tongue as I give that last trembling push. My entire body is quivering, and I fear that I'll fall down on top of him, but I keep kissing him, even after I've finished emptying myself inside of him.
"It's over, Gackt," I whisper in his ear. "Finally."
The snake inside me, choking my heart, has disappeared.
And I pull away from Gackt. It hurts a little to disengage myself from his body, and I'm not sure why, but I decide not to think about that right now. There are smears of blood covering me from my face to my thighs, and my hands are spotted and splattered, too. My length drips a bit with some of the blood from the wounds that I caused inside him. Subconsciously I wonder if he'd ever been on the receiving end before�but I figure that he must have been.
As I stand by the side of the bed and start tugging at the sheets, pulling them out from under his body, I catch my breath. But I pant as I speak. "I don't have to hurt anymore. And you... it's over for you, too. You don't have to hurt anymore, either. I've shown you that I love you. I've made you sorry for what you did to me." For a minute, as I hold the blood-soaked sheets over his legs, my fingers tighten on the fabric and I pause. The anger wells up, the same anger that consumed me when I drove the knife in. "But... but..." I swallow, trying to calm myself. "I can forgive you now."
I drape the blankets very carefully over his body, then tilt his head so that he is facing up again and not one side. His hair needs some fixing, too. His arms are both laid back, bent at equal angles, so I pull them down over the sheets and rest his hands on his chest. I ignore the fact that blood seeps up under them and further contaminates the cloth.
Then, taking a long, deep breath, I climb in with him.
But I don't touch him anymore. I just lay next to him, staring at the dark ceiling.
The pillow feels comforting against my head. I'm so exhausted, emotionally and physically... It almost seems as though, if I fall asleep, I'll never wake up. I steal a glance over at Gackt and see his eyes closed heavily, his eyelashes looking longer and darker than usual in the lack of light, as they rest on his cheeks. His lips are closed now, because I pushed his jaw back up. He looks very restful. For a minute I make myself completely still and I listen for his breathing.
However, I hear nothing.
Still looking over at him, I pull my hand out of the blankets and brush his cheek, very lightly, with my thumb. The blood there is starting to dry. I didn't want to touch him, but I can't resist. I lean over and kiss his mouth again lightly, then snuggle against his body, sneaking my arm over his slender torso and pulling him closer. My whispered words rise up like steam, into the shadows, and hopefully reach him, wherever he is now.
"I hate you, Gackt. But only because I love you."
�end�
I finished this: at 1:29 am on Friday, July 19, 2002.