Ma Cherie: Chapter Three
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Each day after school, Klaha took the long way home through the ghettos. His secret hope was that he would find Gackt, and thus be able to confront him. He knew where Gackt lived now, and at times he would pass by that spot hoping that Gackt would be out. He knew he had no right, because he didn't know Gackt and Gackt didn't know him, but somehow it felt as though they already knew each other so well that Klaha DID have that right.
But Gackt was not anywhere to be found for three days in a row, and on the fourth day, it was a Saturday.
That day it was cold and brisk again, and Klaha wore his long black coat and a muffler to keep himself warm. Since he had no school that day, he went early, around ten o'clock in the morning. He told his parents, who he had fallen back into normal relations with, that he was going for one of his usual morning walks, as he liked to do. Normally he never went this far away from home, of course, but his parents didn't need to know that. He wasn't about to tell them.
In the back of his mind, he knew that he wanted to check on Gackt. He'd had some time to think, and even though he was still somewhat in shock, he was worried, and a little uncomfortable. There was no other way to resolve his feelings than to see Gackt.
He had passed Gackt's home every day for the last half a week, but he had never ventured to try to ask permission to enter. Even today, he didn't think he'd be able to sum up enough courage to do that. The place seemed so foreign to him, and so forbidden. Despite this, Klaha walked along the street that he knew was Gackt's, yet again, and spotted the same apartment building as always. When he was about to idly and curiously pass it, he saw that the door above the steps was starting to open. He hurried back out of instinct, surprised. He wasn't out of sight, of course, but no one noticed him.
The door was pushed all the way open, and someone was shoved outside. It was Gackt, being pushed by unseen hands.
Gackt caught his balance and turned around on the steps, meekly gazing back inside the door above him. He was dressed in a kimono again, a different kind, one which was more modern and contemporary. Over it he wore a long, worn jacket. His sleek, dark brown hair was left loose, nicely brushed, but beyond the strands, there were some faded bruises on his face. He seemed somehow weaker than before.
Klaha stared at him from where he stood. Gackt didn't see him yet. When Klaha craned his neck slightly, he was able to see the person who had shoved Gackt outside.
The man seemed as though he was half-awake, as though he had just rolled out of bed. He hadn't bothered to pull anything on over his jeans. He was shirtless, and his slightly too-thin frame was shivering not only with the cold but with his aggravation. His hair was in his eyes and he was smoking a cigarette. He looked at Gackt with obvious contempt and frustration, one hand upon the doorframe.
"Get back to work! I'm not going to tell you again! You've taken enough fucking time off. You have to be ready to go back to earning money. Rent is coming up and I don't have enough, and nobody else is bringing in enough either. It's your job to take care of it!"
Klaha received an aura of violence and intolerance from him. When the man was through ranting, he slammed the door in Gackt's face. Gackt only winced.
Unable to believe this, Klaha stood there staring. He had grown up in such a different kind of environment than this. The language and the harsh tone that had streamed out of that man's mouth were both shocking to Klaha, in fact shocking enough to make him jump slightly as the door was slammed. He just couldn't understand it. How could anyone talk to Gackt like that? However, Klaha couldn't make himself come forward, not yet. Gackt still didn't know he was there.
For a moment, Gackt remained frozen, standing on the front steps as he gazed at the door. Then he swallowed to himself and his eyes slowly narrowed, until he was nearly glaring after the man. Cursing to himself, he turned, starting to go down onto the sidewalk slowly. He let out a very long breath and reached up, brushing some strands of hair from his face, and his anger seemed to deflate into sadness.
Once he stepped down onto the sidewalk, he turned, and saw Klaha standing not too far away. He gasped. "Y-You ...!"
He quickly realized that Klaha had been there long enough to see what had happened. Upon knowing this, Gackt couldn't really wonder why or how Klaha was there, for all of his attention was focused on his discomfort. At first he allowed his surprise, his grief, and his shame to come into his face, but then he put up a shield of sorts, a guard to keep his emotion from showing as he now faced Klaha silently, daring him to speak. Somehow he could tell that Klaha had found him out ...
Klaha steeled himself and walked forward. He paused just in front of Gackt and stared into the other boy's eyes, as Gackt gazed back at him. "I know," Klaha whispered softly at first. It was enough to convey that he was now aware of what Gackt did for a living. "Finally, now, I know why you were so upset when I found you. Why you were almost crying."
Gackt looked away, almost pained.
"I know what happened to you, too," Klaha said, without looking away.
"Who told you?" Gackt asked, without looking at him.
Klaha paused to remember, blinking to himself. "I think his name was Shinya," he said, somewhat uncertainly.
Gackt's eyebrows lifted slightly, making him seem almost surprised, but not angry. All he did at first was sigh, remembering Shinya's concern for him and resolving that his friend had most likely only meant to help him. He nodded. "Shinya can forget himself sometimes," he said quietly, "and he'll say things that people don't want him to."
Klaha felt self-conscious suddenly, and looked down. "Why didn't you want me to know?" But he knew the answer, in his heart.
Gackt almost began to grow upset as he stood there on the pavement trying to hide his bruises from him by turning his head slightly, letting his hair fall over them, almost but not quite covering them. Bitterly, he asked, "If you were in my position, would you tell a near-stranger that you were a whore?"
Klaha winced.
"Would you tell them that you had to sacrifice yourself, day after day, hour after hour, for someone who didn't give a shit about you?" Gackt seemed to have forgotten that Klaha was there for a moment. His eyes became empty as they turned themselves down onto the pavement. "Yoshiki doesn't care about me," he whispered to himself. "Never has."
Klaha was surprised, and looked up again, at Gackt. "Yoshiki? Who is he? Is he your ... your ...?"
Resentfully, Gackt nodded, reminded of Klaha's presence by these questions. He only looked at the other boy once while he spoke, and kept his eyes off of him the rest of the time. "Yoshiki is my lover. My pimp." When he said this, all of his anger, his uneasiness, melted away. He didn't know why. He was simply too tired to fight for his agitation, and suddenly, his mind almost agreed with Yoshiki. "I know I should be grateful to him," he said quietly, but still spitefully. "After all, he's all that I have left. If it wasn't for him, I would be out on the street without even this much, without even this ... this job, to provide for me."
Klaha couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was concerned for Gackt, almost a bit troubled since he had never met a prostitute before and wasn't used to being around one. It was hard to get used to the fact that Gackt was a whore. "No, you're wrong. If he's ... If he's cruel to you, then you shouldn't have to be in his debt, whoever he is. There should be some other way that you can make end's meet! N-Not this way, not doing THIS."
Gackt looked up at him suddenly, his eyes wide. He looked as though he'd been slapped. Then he became cold. He seemed to think that Klaha was sneering upon all he had, the only things that were left to him, no matter how horrible they were. He became hurt also, since truly, Yoshiki and "this," namely prostitution, were all that he had. He couldn't help but feel ashamed of himself, and jealous when standing next to Klaha, someone who was clearly more privileged than him. He was resentful.
"You can never understand," he said to Klaha, losing his composure. "You've never even seen this side of life before, have you? Of course you'll never be able to know how it's possible for someone to have to do this just to survive."
Klaha couldn't find any words to speak.
"When you know what it's like being a prostitute ... when you know what having your body used constantly, battered like a doll, is like, THEN come back and try to tell me what to do." His eyes, coldly expressionless, flashed only once as he turned his head, his dark hair covering them suddenly.
Klaha stared at him, blinking quickly. These words took him by surprise.
Gackt seemed as though he was about to walk off, but then he halted. Something in his posture softened suddenly as he glanced over his shoulder and looked at Klaha. He looked away again after a moment, and his voice broke when he said softly, "I have to get to work."
Those words said more than any others ever could. They said that he realized that spending another moment in Klaha's presence might cause him to break down, at the rate that things were going. They also said that suddenly Gackt felt very, very disappointed in himself, ashamed of himself, even that he hated himself ... because he had to go to "work," and whore his body again. Yet at the same time, they said that doing this was better than lying on the street doing nothing, waiting to die. This was all he had left.
Gackt gave a brief but slightly respectful bow. His posture indicated that he thought Klaha was his superior, due to the other boy's greater wealth, but also, there was a bit of hurt coldness in this demonstration of humbleness. This accidentally conveyed that Klaha had injured his feelings.
But Gackt didn't stay to explain this. Once again, he walked away and left Klaha standing there.
[The next day]
At school, Daisuke and Toshi cornered Klaha during lunch. As jovial and warm as usual, they managed to convince the even-more-quiet-than-usual Klaha to sit with them on the hill behind the school. They had apparently forgotten Gackt, considering that they'd only seen him that one time when he'd returned the coat to Klaha. Since Klaha hadn't said a word about him, they hadn't thought to say anything. But now, something brought the memory of Gackt up again.
At first, however, they were lingering on another topic entirely, one that Klaha was mostly ignoring. When Klaha heard the name K�zi mentioned, he winced. "Oi, Klaha," Daisuke said in a slightly loud voice, tapping on Klaha's arm, "I think K�zi's getting annoyed with you."
Klaha inched away, and only said, "He shouldn't be."
"Why not?"
"I barely know him."
"Oh, yes, you do," Daisuke said, shaking his head at him. "You know perfectly well who he is. You've known him since secondary school."
"That doesn't mean I KNOW him."
Toshi glanced at Klaha sidelong. "He was looking at you again today. Did you notice?"
Klaha was silent. He didn't know how to respond. He remembered perfectly well last class, one that he shared with both Kaoru and K�zi, who were good friends. Klaha had been sitting near the window as usual, just gazing outside at the leaves and the breeze, until he had felt eyes on him. Turning his head had proved that K�zi was looking at him.
Klaha had immediately felt his stomach turn. Something about K�zi was attracting and repelling at the same time. The other boy was about his height, equally slender, and something about him indicated more femininity than Klaha possessed. He had pale smooth skin, silky dark hair, was always dressed well when he wasn't in his uniform, and had an air of elegance about him. His large, dark eyes were framed by long thick eyelashes, and his lips were full and alluring.
K�zi had been watching Klaha from across the room while the teacher performed a lecture. He was just sitting there, chin in his hand, with his eyes curiously and innocently fixed on Klaha, waiting for the other boy to look at him. When Klaha finally did, K�zi's lips curved up in a slight smile, and something in his eyes was reminiscent of suggestiveness.
Klaha had swallowed hard to himself and immediately looked away.
Remembering this incident, Klaha tried not to make a face as he sat there on the grass with the other two. By the time he was paying attention to the discussion again, it had changed topics, and Daisuke and Toshi were barely acknowledging him anymore. Klaha started daydreaming again, about more pleasant topics, but it was soon that Gackt's name resurfaced. It was coincidental that Gackt was what Klaha was thinking about already.
Suddenly an elbow nudged him and got his attention.
"Nani?" He turned and glanced up at Daisuke, who was blinking at him.
"Oi," Toshi said, speaking up instead. He seemed surprised at Klaha's atypical sharpness, and looked at him a bit oddly as he spoke. "Do you remember that guy who followed us to the bridge to give you back your coat that day, a couple of weeks ago?"
Gackt. They were talking about Gackt. "Hai ..."
"Do you know him?"
Klaha almost became upset. He felt defensive of Gackt, ashamed because he remembered how he had offended him the other day. He hadn't gotten over that yet, so his tone was more snappy when he spoke again. "No, I don't know him. Don't know anything about him."
Daisuke blinked. "What's wrong with you today?"
Klaha turned away. "Nothing."
Toshi just shrugged and drew Daisuke back into the conversation again. Klaha sat there, his mind racing, but soon he became curious. Why would they have been talking about Gackt, he had to wonder? They had forgotten him up until now, hadn't they? Glancing over his shoulder at them, Klaha turned slightly with one hand on the grass and interrupted by asking, "Why do you want to know?"
A few moments had passed, and this question was startling. Daisuke blinked again. "Why do we want to know what?"
"Whether I know Gackt."
"Gackt!" Daisuke said suddenly, shaking his head. "THAT was his name. I forgot." He cast a little sideways glance at Klaha. "Oi, you've got to know him, Klaha. Otherwise you wouldn't have known his name."
Klaha ignored this and said, "So tell me why you wanted to know."
"Weren't you listening to any of that?" Toshi asked, almost exasperated.
"No."
Daisuke grinned and shook his head at Klaha's honest answer. He explained, "We were talking about my friend who moved away to Kyoto. Ne, you remember Kyo? Well, I talked to him on the phone the other day, because I wanted to know how he'd been doing since he dropped out of school ... I don't know, something came up and we were talking about that guy... Gackt, hai? Anyway, Kyo said that he knew him."
Klaha was surprised, and almost suspicious. How could one of Daisuke's friends have known Gackt?
"Well," Daisuke admitted, leaning back on his hands, "he didn't KNOW him, but he knew OF him. It wasn't personal or anything. They went to school together, I guess. You know, the cheap public one that Kyo dropped out of around here ... Gackt used to go there too, for a while. I was curious, so I asked Kyo about him, and he told me what he remembered. He said that Gackt always seemed kind of poor to him ... like he never had enough money, and sometimes he didn't go to school at all. I guess he was kind of shy, and sort of withdrawn. Kyo said that he never got the chance to get to know him. He said that Gackt seemed like he was really trying hard to do well---hell of a lot harder than Kyo tried, I'll bet---but since he missed so many classes, he barely passed anything. Kyo dropped out first, but he heard from some people that Gackt dropped out later too, once he turned sixteen."
Klaha listened to all of this very intently. In fact, he was listening so intently that he nearly forgot where he was and who he was talking to, as he absorbed all this information and it sank into his mind. By the time that Daisuke finished speaking, Klaha was so deep in thought that he didn't sense Toshi coming up behind him.
Suddenly two hands were on his shoulders and someone's lips right next to his ear. "Boo."
Klaha's skin crawled even though he remained perfectly still, his eyes flying open and a rough gasp coming out of him. Daisuke burst into laughter suddenly, now that the subject had been diverted from seriousness. Klaha's head snapped to the side so that he could look over his shoulder at Toshi, who was grinning playfully at him. Klaha pulled himself away, snapping, "Don't DO that."
Toshi pouted. "Oh, come on, Klaha."
Klaha's mind immediately wandered back to Gackt as he brushed Toshi's hands off of him. The two of them were still laughing at him as he rose to his feet and grabbed the rest of his things. "Ja ne." That was all he said, shooting this over his shoulder, before he left, leaving them puzzled for a moment. But when he was gone, they just started laughing again.
[Two days later]
The next time that Klaha met Gackt, it was Gackt who initiated it. It had been such a short time since Klaha had found out from his friends a bit about Gackt's past, but he didn't know that he would find out much more than that very soon, and from Gackt himself.
It was right after school. Klaha hadn't taken the way home through the ghetto, but had continued passing over the bridge. However, he had too much to think about to go home yet, so he walked off to the side of the bridge, on the riverbank. Here, he sat down on an ornate bench beneath the shelter of some tall, swaying trees. He was sitting there now, his bag next to him along with an umbrella due to the rather suspicious clouds overhead, not ten minutes after starting on his way home from school.
His eyes took in the sparkling water, the cloudy sky, and the bridge where he had met Gackt again not so very long ago, or so it seemed. He didn't yet hear the distant rumble of thunder.
Then, all of a sudden, someone sat down next to him. Klaha jumped a bit and looked over, his heart thumping.
It was Gackt, of course, although Klaha hadn't been able to see where he'd come from. Now Gackt sat there quietly, without looking at the other boy. He was not dressed for work today, but was clothed casually and somewhat scruffily like last time. Even though he sensed Klaha's surprise, he did not say anything.
Klaha stared at him for a moment, and his hands tightened in his lap. He opened his mouth, but couldn't think of anything to say, and shut it again. When he saw that Gackt was staring out at the water, soon he decided to do the same.
They sat there in silence for a few minutes, before Gackt spoke. "I'm not angry with you."
Klaha looked over at him uncertainly, and murmured, "Nani?"
"I know you didn't mean at all to hurt my feelings. You were only worried about me. I don't know why you would care to worry, but that's something I'll have to figure out." He paused. "I'm just ... I'm overly sensitive." He seemed self-conscious, and even though Klaha hadn't really apologized, he was now the one to do so. "I'M sorry," he said, still gazing at the water, "for acting so cross when we last met."
Klaha swallowed and tried to speak, but his voice didn't come out right. Therefore he just nodded, although he flushed slightly.
Gackt finally turned his eyes over, and looked at him now. His eyes searched Klaha, his face without expression as he did so, and when he spoke again his voice was even more muted than before. "I was in recovery when I saw you," he softly tried to explain. "I wasn't myself."
There was silence again. Klaha dared to ask, finding his voice, "Do you feel better now?"
A very slight smile touched the corners of Gackt's mouth. But this smile, like all his other smiles, and all of his expressions, was sad. He responded, "I'm doing much better now. I'm sure you can see that the ... the bruises are gone." He gestured weakly at his face, unable to meet Klaha's eyes again. "I'm back to work now."
To hear this last phrase, Klaha winced suddenly.
Gackt looked at him sideways, curiously. "Is what I do for a living shocking to you?" he inquired, not as insulted as last time. "Is it offensive?"
Klaha hastened to disagree. He immediately heard the tinge of sorrow in Gackt's voice and wished that he had not been the one to cause it, so he tried to correct it to the best of his ability. "O-Of course that's not it! It's just ... I'm not used to it, that's all." He was a bit shy now. "I've never met anyone like you before."
"You mean ... you've never met a whore?"
Klaha winced again.
Gackt swallowed, apparently upset with himself for speaking so roughly. "Gomen ..."
"Don't apologize."
Gackt was silent again. He apparently felt pain to think that he was different from Klaha in any way, because of how low he considered himself in comparison. But he didn't want to think of that now. He was familiar with the surrounding areas, so he asked Klaha, to make conversation and to learn more about him, "Where do you live?"
Klaha looked up. "Do you know where Yamamoto Boulevard is?"
"Hai."
"Have you ever seen the place at the end? Where there the black gates?"
"Hai."
"That's my home."
Gackt slowly looked over at him, mildly surprised. "You mean, YOU'RE the one who lives there?"
Klaha responded shyly, "Hai."
"But that place looks enormous." Gackt shook his head to himself, slightly awed at the thought. "I haven't been by there many times, but I remember that it's difficult to see the house if you're outside the gates. It's mostly hidden by those trees along the lane, hai?"
"Hai," Klaha said again, wondering how studiously Gackt had observed this.
"I didn't know that you lived there." Gackt spoke simply and then turned away again.
"I hate it there."
"Hmm?" Gackt blinked.
Klaha's eyes suddenly seemed to be burning now, almost bitterly, as he looked out at the water also. "I hate it," he repeated, as though to himself, thinking of his parents and the fortress that was their home, more like a prison than a castle.
Gackt watched him. He could tell that Klaha resented his wealth, so said nothing.
There was another silence. At last Klaha banished all thoughts of his mother and father, and his hateful property, out of his mind. His eyes fell on Gackt again. He observed the figure sitting perfectly poised next to him, with the soft dark hair, the deep thoughtful eyes, the sad aura. He felt curious about him again, but an odd tinge of aching sympathy and pain came along with the curiosity. "Why did you drop out of school?" he asked Gackt hesitantly. "How did all of this happen to you?"
Although Gackt was already sitting absolutely still, he seemed to freeze up somehow. His eyes remained locked on the fleeting water, his body positioned to conceal his inner grief from Klaha. But at the same time, he swallowed quietly and seemed to choose his words carefully before answering. "There's a lot to know about me."
Klaha was hoping he would describe everything, that he would start from the very beginning. He wanted Gackt to tell him ALL that there was to know, but for a moment, he was disappointed.
Gackt seemed to be thinking about his entire life just then, briefly, and his eyes became slightly lonely and even desperate behind their shield again. But he couldn't make himself say anything at first. Instead, he said precisely, "To answer your questions, I dropped out because prostitution became the only thing that I could concentrate on, and I became a prostitute because we needed the money."
Klaha asked tentatively, "Where are your parents?"
Gackt didn't hesitate this time. "Dead."
Klaha was surprised and blinked. "They're ..."
One glance over at Klaha caused Gackt to revise his words just a little bit. To explain, he said, "I never really knew them. I didn't have the chance." He paused, and his eyes darkened. "My mother was ..."
When he trailed off, Klaha tried to prompt him. "What did she do?"
Gackt looked down, and swallowed. "She was a prostitute ... just like me ..."
Klaha's eyes widened slightly. "O-Oh."
"My father was one of her customers, nothing more. She never knew him any more than I did, really. In fact, I've never met him. But since I never knew him, I've just considered him to be dead." He closed his eyes for a short moment. "It's less painful that way. But I ... I know that my mother didn't want me. She resented me for intruding into her life and ruining everything. After I was born she sank into a deep depression. She couldn't work anymore, and we became very poor. We could barely live. Her sanity degenerated entirely."
He stopped here. Klaha gazed at him, waiting.
"When I was about three or four, she committed suicide." Gackt looked away quickly now, blinking fast once or twice. "I don't know how she did it. I didn't see her body. She just left me alone on the sidewalk and told me to stay exactly where I was. Then she walked away. I never saw her again, but I learned later that she was dead."
Klaha couldn't say anything, but his heart melted for Gackt.
Gackt did not turn to face him. "hide found me."
Klaha blinked at the unfamiliar name. "h-hide?"
"He was living with Yoshiki at the time." As he tended to do sometimes, it seemed that Gackt was explaining this to himself as well, even though he was really speaking to Klaha. "For a while I couldn't figure out why he decided to help me, but it was true that he had a sensitive streak that he didn't want people to know about. He couldn't make himself leave me there. So he took me in, when Yoshiki was still just starting out as a pimp ... Yoshiki, who was so young that he could have been a prostitute himself." He tried to smile, but faltered, and his face cleared again. "He's still young, of course."
But whenever Gackt spoke of hide, something changed in him, and Klaha noticed it. The moment that Gackt had whispered hide's name, his voice had become unsteady, and his hands had begun to tremble, barely perceptibly. He seemed even more upset than when he spoke of his own biological mother. Truly, his voice was shaking now when he said, "hide ... hide died when I was fifteen."
Klaha watched him, with wide eyes. Gackt was gazing hard into his lap, so focused as though if he looked away for even a second, he would lose control of himself. His hands were clasped and resting on his legs, and his knuckles were turning white. His shoulders were shaking now too, like his voice and his fingers, and his eyes were almost tortured. He didn't say how hide had died, but whatever the means, he didn't find the strength to talk about it just now. Nor did he find the strength to describe how Yoshiki had changed after that point. "Y-Yoshiki wanted me to help out," he merely said now.
"Help out?" Klaha repeated.
Gackt didn't nod, but continued to speak. "And so I ... I was forced into this life. Forced into prostitution." The way he spoke, he didn't blame Yoshiki for the way that things had turned out. Something in him didn't want Klaha to know that Yoshiki personally had forced him to become a prostitute, even though it may have been obvious. "Also, Yoshiki chose me to ... to become his lover." He cast his wide eyes down suddenly, looking upset. "I don't know why. He could never love anyone other than hide, and I know that. He doesn't love ME. I think that he only tolerated me because hide had refused to let me leave. It was so strange at first, becoming the lover of the person that I'd lived with as a submissive, basically as his child, for ten years. I hated it. It felt like he was abusing me." And he did, Gackt wanted to say. He's been abusing me for years.
"I had to give up school. There just wasn't a way to balance education with prostitution. In the beginning I tried to go to school during the day and prostitute myself at night, but it didn't work, and when I was sixteen, I finally dropped out entirely. It didn't matter, I'd never had any friends ... Right now, I'm only eighteen. Did you know that, Klaha?" He looked at Klaha suddenly, his voice soft.
Klaha only shook his head.
"I'm not that much older than you. Less than a year, even, and I should be a senior right now, too. I should be in my last year of high school. But ... But all opportunities of a better life are gone. They've been stolen from me a long time ago."
By the time that Gackt was done saying all of this, tears came to his eyes. Klaha was entirely astonished to see them. He hadn't been able to picture someone like Gackt, who looked so composed and guarded all the time, to become this sensitive and hurt, excluding the occasion upon which they'd first met. But now Klaha saw that Gackt was incredibly sensitive, more than he'd thought. Gackt himself was surprised at his own tears, for he never allowed himself to cry anymore. Even now, he wasn't crying. As he tried to wipe his eyes and control himself more, furious at himself for showing this much emotion, Klaha watched him in shock. "Gackt ..."
Gackt wouldn't look at him. He just sat there, very still, staring at the water.
Klaha sensed his grief. He had never really been close enough to anyone to comfort them in the past, but now, he reached up and put a hand on Gackt's shoulder. Gackt flinched, but then he reached up and laid his own hand upon Klaha's. His fingers tightened suddenly, clutching Klaha's, and he lowered both of their hands onto the bench. It was a trusting and even affectionate gesture that neither of them had shared with another human being for a very long time. Gackt was gripping Klaha's hand tightly.
A long, long time passed. Or, it only seemed long. After a while, Gackt seemed to have become very still. He was facing away from Klaha, since he was unable to look at him, but his body had inched closer and closer until his shoulder was barely touching Klaha's, leaning against him. Klaha almost wondered, incapable of breathing let alone moving with fear that he might disturb Gackt, whether the other boy had fallen asleep.
But then, Gackt suddenly withdrew himself from the bench. He rose to his feet, releasing Klaha's hand, as Klaha blinked up at him. "Where are you going?"
Gackt couldn't meet Klaha's eyes. His face was expressionless, but his voice was soft, and still a bit broken. "Gomen," he whispered. He was shaking a bit again, but not with any tears. "I shouldn't have touched you. It wasn't right of me." He was being honest, letting the words fall out of him, showing his agitation at himself.
Klaha was shocked. "No," he tried to protest, shaking his head.
But Gackt swallowed, frustrated with himself, and turned around. Without another word he hurried away, yet again, a hand raised to his eyes to wipe away any lingering or self-refreshing tears. Once again, he walked away from Klaha.
[Five minutes later]
Gackt went back to his apaato, still in tears.
'I can't believe that I told him so much about me,' he thought, growing angry with himself. 'So much personal information! What am I thinking? I'm not supposed to tell anyone that. It's all meant to be kept to myself. Yoshiki always told me, confidentiality is a must---everything is a secret, so no one has to know.' He knew that time was rapidly going by, and soon he was supposed to go out onto the streets and begin working for the night. But he couldn't, not without a little rest and solitude first, since his mind was so rattled.
He hurried into the apartment building and trudged up the stairs, then fished out his key and unlocked his door. He walked inside silently and shut the door behind him. Then he looked into the room, and halted, shocked by what he saw.
Mana and Yoshiki.
Gackt thought with dull pain that he had been put in Mana's position many times before. Yoshiki was sitting in one of their old battered chairs, his legs spread, his pants undone, and kneeling in front of him was Mana. Mana, the beautiful, slender, shapely young man who Gackt felt was so much more beautiful than him. Mana's long flowing hair was pushed behind him, and his back was to Gackt as he worked.
Yoshiki was vocally enjoying it quite a bit. His head was laid back, his hair fallen to one side, and his fingers clawed into the armrests. The sounds of his satisfied moans reached Gackt from the few feet separating them.
Gackt's heart constricted. This certainly wasn't the first time he'd walked in on Yoshiki in the middle of a sexual act with someone else. But it always hurt and shocked him, like this.
Yoshiki's eyes opened and slid across the room, resting on Gackt as he gasped in pleasure. Could that have been a grin spreading across his lips?
Yoshiki took full advantage of the fact that Mana didn't know that Gackt was there. Gackt couldn't move, even though he jumped when Yoshiki's eyes met and held his own. Yoshiki was quickly approaching climax, and he hit it suddenly, his back arching, an orgasmic moan sliding up out of him, ripping at Gackt's heart. He knew that Gackt would be hurt by it, and moaned even more loudly just for that purpose.
Gackt felt silent tears welling up in his eyes again as he watched, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. He WANTED to leave, and just turn around and run, but he couldn't.
When Yoshiki was done, he let out a sigh. It was a sigh of complete gratification and contentment. Mana seemed to be finishing up, pulling back, but Yoshiki's eyes were not on him. They were on Gackt, over Mana's head. "You should be out doing your job, ne?" Yoshiki spoke this clearly, to Gackt.
Mana let out a small gasp and immediately rose to his feet, withdrawing from Yoshiki's hands that had been touching his hair near the end. He had one hand over his full lips, as though too proud to show anyone what he was doing. He was a bit unsteady, and the look in his large, long-lashed eyes was surprised as he saw Gackt standing there. After all, he hadn't realized that someone had walked in at any point. A flush crept across his face, but he didn't say anything. He was a dignified person, even more so than Shinya, but he was dismayed and a bit ashamed, for although he hadn't wanted to help Yoshiki betray Gackt, he still felt bad about succumbing to their mutual employer.
"Gomen nasai, Gaku-chan," Mana murmured, looking away from him. "I didn't know that you were there ..."
Gackt didn't blame him. He could barely speak.
Yoshiki stood up, slowly, concealed but with his pants still unzipped. He stretched and shot Gackt one last look. Then he went over to Mana, who seemed to be growing a bit uncomfortable as he looked at his approacher with disdain. Clearly aware that Gackt was still in the room watching them, Yoshiki practically wrapped himself around Mana. He slid an arm around his waist and clutched him against him, running a hand through his long soft hair.
"Arigato, Mana-chan," he whispered in Mana's ear, ignoring Gackt's shocked stare at first. "I really ... really ... REALLY enjoyed that." He licked at Mana's earlobe, biting at it slightly, and Mana started to pull away, disgusted. However, Yoshiki kept him there.
'No,' Gackt thought to himself silently, narrowing his eyes and tensing angrily.
Yoshiki's eyes looked up at Gackt once, inwardly amused through his anger, through that old dull grief and pain that always shrouded his eyes. For once they seemed to be delighted, but only in Gackt's pain. Yoshiki maneuvered both arms around Mana and nuzzled his neck, purposefully telling Mana, "You're such a good fuck, you know ... Maybe I should let you move in with me, ne?"
His implication was clear. He was trying to mock Gackt, to tease him, to pretend that Gackt was no longer to his satisfaction. He merely wanted to hurt him, and it worked.
Gackt swallowed and tensed, but said nothing even though his heart was suffering for it. He felt incredibly betrayed all of a sudden, utterly wounded. His hands tightened themselves into fists as the tears brimmed beneath his eyelashes.
"Stop it," Mana told Yoshiki, under his breath.
Yoshiki ignored him. Mana seemed to become indignant that he was being manipulated like this, and that Yoshiki wasn't even listening to him. He started to push Yoshiki away again, clearly repulsed and a bit indignant, as he said, "Don't!" softly but insistently. He intended to try and defend Gackt, for although he and the other boy didn't know each as well as they wanted to, they respected each other and had sympathy for each other.
But Yoshiki didn't let him. Quickly he grew tired of Mana's protests, and annoyed, angry at Mana for ruining his little masquerade. When Mana tried to push him off, he slapped him.
Mana let out a little gasp of shock and recoiled, as Yoshiki released him.
Gackt caught his breath. Clearly, unlike himself, Mana wasn't used to being hit. There came a certain sense of composure, an instinct to freeze up and stand there as one's only defense against possible following blows, when one was accustomed to abuse. But then again, Gackt had to remind himself that he was the only one that Yoshiki treated like he did. He hardly ever hit any of the others, even though sometimes his verbal abuses were nearly as nasty.
It wasn't strong enough of a blow for Mana to be seriously hurt, but Gackt became alarmed, and his defensive urges swelled. He hurried over, forcing himself in between Yoshiki and Mana. He fiercely and protectively clutched Mana behind him, guarding him from Yoshiki with his own body. "Don't!" he said, just as Mana had, but more upset, glaring up at Yoshiki.
This only succeeded in infuriating Yoshiki further. "You little BITCH!"
He grabbed ahold of Gackt's arm and ripped him away from Mana, who he now conveniently forgot was in the room. Gackt was startled and tried to catch his balance now that he stumbled away where Yoshiki led him, but he didn't have any time to get his bearings. Yoshiki's hand sharply made contact with his cheek, even harder than he'd hit Mana. "What right do you have to criticize me?" Yoshiki demanded, grabbing Gackt violently.
Mana's breath whooshed inwards, and he could only watch, staring.
Gackt was dazed. His cheek stung where Yoshiki had hit him.
But then, suddenly, Yoshiki hit him again, even harder, this time causing him to stagger to the side slightly, holding his face. Yoshiki loomed in front of him, enraged. "You're not doing your fucking job! You haven't gotten me any decent money in weeks! Useless little whore ...!"
He'd dealt Gackt a third blow by the time Mana had hurried over, finally losing his ability to just passively watch. Mana was now panicking a little, becoming abnormally concerned, and he rushed over. "Stop it!" he pleaded with Yoshiki. "Onegai!"
Yoshiki shot him a withering look, his attentions still on Gackt, who was gasping.
"Please!" came from Mana again.
But Yoshiki lost all patience with him. He pushed Mana aside and took ahold of Gackt's arm again, pulling him to his feet. He was severely disturbed now, and angered, and nothing as simple as a plea would sate his fury at this point. He started to yank Gackt along with him, Gackt who was stumbling helplessly behind him. However, it was at this moment that Gackt regained some of his inner fire, and was able to give Yoshiki a withering glare as he tried to pull his arm away from him. "Let go of me!"
Yoshiki hit him again, wildly, this time slamming his hand across Gackt's face. "Try and stop me," he growled at him, and continued to drag him.
At last he hauled Gackt into the one bedroom they had. Usually they slept on a tatami mat in the living room, and saved the bed for "jobs," but right now Yoshiki didn't care. They found themselves at the foot of the large bed. Gackt was so weak that he almost fell right down on top of it, but Yoshiki held him upright and started ripping off his clothes. Gackt struggled, trying to shove him off, but Yoshiki was stronger. He pulled off Gackt's jacket first, not caring where he threw it, and then he violently took off Gackt's shirt, pants, boots, anything else that he was wearing, shedding it off to the side as Mana tried to pull at his arm and stop him. Yoshiki was stronger than he looked, and someone like Mana wasn't going to be able to overpower him.
Gackt almost tripped and fell several times while he was being undressed, so dazed was he, but when Yoshiki had finished undressing him, he shoved him onto the bed.
Gackt suddenly found himself flat on his back, his mind whirling, as Yoshiki's hands pinned him down. He couldn't make much sense of what was going on. Mana's voice was pleading, "Stop it!" somewhere in the distance, or maybe it was close, but it was blurred somehow. Yoshiki only pushed Mana away from him again and turned back to Gackt, glaring down at him.
Gackt's air supply was choked off abruptly, as Yoshiki's hands slid up and wrapped themselves around his neck, his fingers digging into his throat. He was pulled upright slightly, but held down at the same time by Yoshiki's superior strength. "I ... I can't ...!" He tried to say that he couldn't breathe, but that was all he could get out.
"You think you're better than I am?" Yoshiki hissed at him. "You think you don't deserve to work?"
His hands tightened their vicious grip, and Gackt was certain that his face was changing color by now. He didn't even have enough breath to cough or choke. Weakly, he reached up and grabbed Yoshiki's wrists, pawing at them, trying to pull his hands away. "S-Stop ..."
"Yoshiki! Let him go!"
"Shut the fuck up!" Yoshiki growled at Mana, infuriated at any kind of interference. Then he snarled at Gackt in an even more brutal tone, "Do you want me to throw you out? Would you rather be on the streets?" These, of course, were the same empty threats he'd been dealing Gackt for years, but each time, they struck terror.
"No ...!"
"If you don't fucking do your job, then that's where you'll end up, you ... you whore ...!"
All of a sudden his hands relaxed, releasing Gackt. The swiftness of Gackt's liberation was painful in itself, and he gasped violently for air, falling back onto the bed. His hands went up to his own throat, rubbing at his flesh, trying to get ahold of himself even as his panic settled in. He felt something moist on his face, upon his lip, trailing down from his nose, and he realized that it was blood, from where he'd been struck. However, he had no concentration to wipe it away.
Yoshiki's hands did not detach themselves from him entirely. Now they roughly grabbed ahold of his body, rolling him over onto his stomach and ignoring each gasp that broke from him. Yoshiki shoved him down into the mattress, and even though Gackt hadn't caught his breath yet, he clutched the sheets. "What the hell are you ...?"
"Shut up!"
Gackt struggled, but to no avail. He was too weak to push Yoshiki off, and when he was on his stomach he was quite vulnerable. Yoshiki pressed his body down on top of Gackt's, refusing to allow him any escape.
"Yoshiki! Stop!" Mana's soft but deeply disturbed voice interrupted them, and suddenly Mana was by the bed again, attempting to pull Yoshiki away from Gackt. Mana had been pushed away several times, distractedly, but now, Yoshiki's temper would not allow him to be gentle yet again. When Mana wouldn't give up and merely go away, Yoshiki became angered, and swiftly, roughly backhanded him. Mana was sent stumbling across the room, until he collapsed against the wall, stunned. Slowly he sank down onto the floor, one hand upon his cheek, no longer with enough strength or awareness to stop Yoshiki.
Satisfied, Yoshiki returned his attentions to Gackt once again. He slid his hand up Gackt's body and gripped his shoulder, holding him down though Gackt was thrashing and weakly trying to pull away. Meanwhile, Yoshiki's other hand crept down to his own pants, which were luckily unzipped from his and Mana's experience not long before. Without warning, Yoshiki shoved himself into Gackt's body.
Gackt let out half of a choked scream before catching his breath and gaining the composure to try and speak. "N-No! Don't ... Let me go!"
Across the room, Mana was conscious enough to notice this, but not to stop it. He gasped in horror. "Yoshiki! Stop it! Now!"
"Shut up!" This was directed to Mana again, of course.
Then, Yoshiki began his rhythm, which was uneven and clearly halted because of his intoxication and his anger, both of which hampered his unusual limitless expanse of energy. He pushed himself in and out of Gackt in brisk, rough motions, his voice gasping and panting even as profanities escaped from his lips.
Gackt muffled his cries in the sheets. As it happened, and as his body was jarred against the bed, he somehow managed to pull up a mind block of sorts from the depths of his pain. He had done that in the past, many times, almost every day, especially in situations like these. Although Yoshiki's nails were digging into Gackt's shoulder, drawing blood because of his fierceness as he rammed into him, Gackt barely noticed. His brain was far away now, dreaming of warmth, of comfort, though the illusions were not enough to convince him that he was not in pain. 'No,' he thought, paralyzed. 'Get off me. Just leave me alone ...!'
It didn't take long for Yoshiki to reach his peak. At last a long, almost dog-like growling moan came out of him, escalating, and he pushed himself deep inside of Gackt. His hands tightened on Gackt's shoulders, causing his nails to dig in even more painfully, to create worse bruises. Yoshiki trembled, and enjoyed the last moments of his orgasm.
Mana, against the wall, was weakened now, too weak to even say anything else. He stared at what was now ending with dull shock, realizing that it was too late and he hadn't been able to stop Yoshiki.
Gackt could have sworn as he lay there that at one point, he felt Yoshiki's lips near his ear. The man's hot breath hit his skin and made him shiver, immediately dispelling his mind block and causing everything to rush up in his head again. What was Yoshiki saying, Gackt had to wonder? Yoshiki's whisper was almost a soft sneer, a panting insult. "You're pathetic."
Gackt fell still again, squeezing his eyes shut. This always made him feel nauseous.
At long last, Yoshiki pulled out of him. He left Gackt's body lying there and moved to the side, cleaning himself off. Then he staggered to his feet by pushing himself off the bed, abandoning Gackt on the mattress as though he was nothing. Yoshiki then zipped his pants up again, running a hand through his hair, and one glance at Gackt rekindled some of his anger.
He thought of an idea suddenly and began harshly rummaging through one of his pockets. He withdrew a handful of wrinkled bills and then tossed them onto the bed, next to Gackt's arm. "There," he snorted viciously. "At least you got SOME work done today."
He said nothing else before yanking on a shirt, lighting a cigarette, grabbing a jacket, and storming out.
Gackt lay there silently. His head was too foggy and dull for him to think properly. His temples ached, as did his face, and his body. Slowly, slowly, he pulled himself up onto his elbows, looking around the room. A brief and effort-filled examination proved to him that Yoshiki had left. Gackt fought against the tears of pain and rage that threatened to fall from his eyes, carefully not looking at the money. In his heart, he despised the sight of money, because it reminded him so painfully of his life.
Gackt reached off the bed for his jacket, which had been thrown aside, and now, he weakly pulled it on for the time being. He could not face anyone, not even Mana, when he was naked. Now most of his body was covered up, though his legs were bare. When he stood up, he almost fell over. His knees were shaking, and his legs were unsteady. But a hand on the wall gave him support, and he glanced across the room.
"M ... Mana-chan?"
Mana was crouched against the wall, on the floor. He was sitting very delicately, and was trying to keep himself under control, but was clearly shaken, for his usually composed eyes were filled with tears. Yoshiki had never hit him before, and he was usually never treated roughly, so the events of the last several minutes had shocked him.
Gackt went to Mana, feeling some concern welling up inside him. He himself was not crying right now, though Mana was softly stifling his sobs. Gackt hurriedly wiped away any of his own tears.
The moment he approached Mana, the other boy looked up at him from the ground. He looked almost too feminine to be real. Much more feminine than Gackt was, or than Gackt had ever been. The tears were streaming down his face, and he choked back another sob behind those full lips, arms embracing himself. His cheek was reddening slightly. Gackt knelt down beside him, and tried to help Mana, tried to see if he was all right. "Did he hurt you too badly?" he asked, his voice shaking. "Are you okay?"
Mana stared at him, was only able to stare at him. He stared at the blood on Gackt's face, the dullness in his eyes. He whispered, "How can you wonder if I'm all right, after everything he's done to you? After all that he makes you go through, every day?"
Gackt couldn't speak.
Mana was weaker, and he now leaned against Gackt, clutching him lightly, trying to hug him in search of comfort. Gackt was still sensitive and shaken, and he flinched the moment he was touched, not wanting any human contact. But he recognized that Mana needed him. So he let Mana hold on to him and cry, as he sat there, very numb, fighting back his own distress.
NOTES~If you are disturbed by my having Gackt get raped by Yoshiki, then don't read any of my other work. No, I'm just kidding. Gomen nasai, minna-san ... to those who are offended. Please keep reading, though, and give me comments nonetheless!
Glossary
oi: hey
nani: what
hai: yes
gomen: I'm sorry
arigato: thank you
onegai: please
minna-san: everyone
ja ne: see you, bye
apaato: apartment
To Be Continued
To the next part