Ma Cherie: Chapter Fourteen
Author: Scarlet Kozi
At last, they made up. Their separation was too painful for either, so it had to end. Really, Klaha was the one who ended it.
It was a Saturday afternoon, on which there was no school, so Klaha was lounging around at home, dressed in an undershirt and a pair of jeans because it was starting to get warmer. His father was out at work today, but his mother was downstairs in the kitchen, organizing papers for her husband. Klaha flipped off the television and sighed, pulling some strands of hair from his eyes as he sat up on the couch. 'This is ridiculous,' he thought, swallowing. 'I ... I want to see him. That's all I want.'
---But he's angry at you.---
'I can't help that. Part of it was my fault anyway.'
---But he's the one who slept with K�zi, remember? The worst person he could have betrayed you with.---
'I think I overreacted to that. We hadn't even had sex yet when Gackt did that.'
---But in spirit, you two knew that you loved each other ...---
Although Klaha chased the voices away now, he felt a little pull on his heart as he gazed out the bright panes of the window. It was true. He WAS still hurt about what Gackt had done. Klaha had placed his utmost trust in Gackt, had given his body to him, had promised his love, only to find out that not more than two months earlier, Gackt had slept with the same person who was Klaha's supposed admirer. Only for some money ...
Klaha shook his head to himself in frustration and stood up, brushing off his baggy jeans, starting to head out of the room. 'Forget this,' he thought. 'I'm going to go find him.'
As he reached the foot of the stairs, and put his hand on the banister, he heard his mother's voice. "Klaha-chan! What are you doing?" she called curiously, out of sight.
Klaha sighed. "I'm ... going to go check on Gackt, okaasama."
"Check on him? Again?"
"Hai. He hasn't eaten for a while. He didn't come down for breakfast this morning." After all, it was the weekend now. Since Klaha never went to school, and since Klaha's parents were now home, there really wasn't much of a chance for Gackt to sneak downstairs and make his own food.
"Oh. All right, Klaha-chan." She sounded doubtful, probably nervous. She was always that way about Gackt, this stranger upstairs who she almost never saw.
Klaha shook his head to himself and went up the stairs. He made his footsteps be quiet, in case Gackt was listening and would get scared off if he knew that Klaha was approaching. As he went, Klaha wondered how he was going to do this. Was he really ready to forgive Gackt? They'd been running into each other at least once a day, and never before had Klaha mustered the courage to say anything to the other boy, even though a number of emotions had always conflicted inside him. Love. Worry. Anger. Sorrow. Grief. Affection. He couldn't make any sense of it.
Now that he was on the second floor, Klaha walked down the hallway, seeing his door several paces down the way. "What am I going to do?" he thought to himself bitterly, "knock down the door? I have to think of some excuse to get him open it on his own."
Then he remembered. He HAD needed to get a change of clothes from his closet. A perfect excuse. Klaha went up to his door and knocked lightly on it, steeling himself.
There was silence. But then Gackt seemed to reconsider, for if his visitor happened to be Klaha's mother or father, then he would seem exceedingly rude for not even answering to a polite knock. Gackt was already timid about being in their house, let alone in their debt, or where they could get to him. They both intimidated him, and he never knew what to say to them.
"Hai?" Gackt's voice called just loud enough to be heard.
Klaha swallowed, suddenly unsure. Should he turn around and go back? This was too hard. But then, he set his shoulders and said, "I need something."
There was a silence again. This had happened once or twice. Klaha had needed something, and had come up and briefly demanded entrance to his room so that he could get it. When that happened, Gackt opened the door and moved aside, as Klaha came in and got what he needed. The two wouldn't speak or even look at each other as it happened, and when Klaha left, Gackt would just close the door and everything would be like before.
Gackt seemed to assume that this would be just another of those times. He didn't respond now, but there was a sound as though he was getting off the bed or a chair, and his even footsteps as he crossed the room. Then, there was the sound of the lock being unfastened, and the door slowly opened.
Klaha gazed at Gackt, who was avoiding his eyes. Gackt had tucked one or two strands of hair behind his ears, but some fell in front of his face anyway. There was a look of careful expressionlessness there, even though some of his pain showed through. Since Klaha had forced him to get rid of all of his old ratty clothes, Gackt was, of course, wearing some of Klaha's that he'd borrowed.
They just stood there for a moment. Klaha gazed down intensely at Gackt, trying to figure out his own feelings while he had the chance. 'Can I forgive him? Do I want to?' he thought.
And Gackt remained standing there. He had that typical air of withdrawn humbleness, as though inside he thought he might as well not even try to present his own personality because he was lower than the person he was facing. But he'd used that technique much more before he met Klaha. Now, he was using it again, since he was under the assumption that Klaha, his only friend, his lover, was also lost to him. His eyes always showed his bitterness, to be cast aside as he'd been, his almost angry grief.
Quickly, Klaha's emotions took hold. He was suddenly flooded with a sensation that he couldn't ignore: his love for the other boy, something he couldn't deny no matter what Gackt had done. "Gackt ..."
Gackt had a split second to look up hesitantly, through his eyelashes, his eyes guarded with his wariness and his distress. But he had no time to speak. Klaha suddenly moved forward, sliding his arms underneath Gackt's and around the other boy's body, as Klaha glanced over his shoulder to make sure his mother wasn't anywhere in the near vicinity. At that point, he pushed Gackt into the bedroom behind him.
He nudged the door shut behind him with his own body and then pulled Gackt against him again, leaning down and pressing his lips against his surprised captive's. He kissed Gackt hard, desperately, attempting to deepen it by sliding his tongue into Gackt's mouth, as though trying to hang on to the beautiful kisses that they had shared only a few nights before.
Gackt was overwhelmed with confusion, and then something sparked inside him. Abruptly, he broke his lips away from Klaha's, gasping for breath. He settled his hands on Klaha's arms, digging his nails in, and he pushed Klaha away from him, as he himself pulled back almost timidly. He folded his arms almost defensively over his chest, then raised one hand to push his hair from his eyes as he cast worried, upset, almost unsure glances back at Klaha. "What do you think you're doing?" he demanded softly, but furiously.
Klaha, catching his own breath, brought his hand up so that his fingers traced his own lips, where Gackt's had been only a moment before. His eyes softened slightly, as he gazed at Gackt.
He despised seeing that look in Gackt's eyes. It was probably the one that had been there so many times when Yoshiki had done just what Klaha did---tried to force Gackt into a touch of intimacy, even though there were legitimate feelings behind Klaha's attempt. Klaha couldn't bear to look at Gackt any longer, and he turned away, so that he didn't have to face him.
Quietly, he spoke. "I'm ... I'm sorry that I didn't speak to you for so long. I should have said something before now. I wanted to, but I was just being selfish and angry." He paused, biting down on his lip hard. "I was cruel to you. And I ... I promised myself that I would never hurt you. I promised YOU that I would never hurt you, and then I went ahead and did it anyway."
"Klaha," Gackt's voice attempted to break in.
"I promised," Klaha repeated, shaking his head slightly, gazing at the door. "I didn't mean to. I never wanted to hurt you. But ... you hurt me."
"I know," Gackt whispered.
Klaha said nothing.
Gackt took a long breath that sounded shaky. Attempting to be strong, he said now, masking his weakness, "Gomen nasai. I know I shouldn't have done it, and I know that it hurt you. I can't hide the fact that even when it was happening, I knew that it would hurt you. I DID know who K�zi was, even though I wasn't familiar with him yet, and I knew what my betrayal with him would mean to you."
"Then why did you do it?" Klaha managed, almost fiercely.
"I did it for the same reason that I said I did, Klaha. I ... I needed the money."
"I still wouldn't have wanted you to just go and whore yourself for somebody ELSE if not K�zi, but ... weren't there other people who would have lent you money? Wasn't there any other way?" He shook his head, as though scolding himself. "Did you HAVE to have sex with HIM?"
Silence. Then, very, very softly, "Yes."
Now, Klaha turned around slowly, confused. He saw that Gackt had not moved from where he was standing, but his fingers were slowly fidgeting with themselves in front of his waist, and his moist eyes were cast down upon them, not looking at him. Klaha didn't understand. He took a step towards Gackt now, his brows furrowed. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Why did you HAVE to? Did he ... Did he make you?"
"No, nothing like that. It was because I hadn't eaten for five days."
Klaha's eyes widened. "Nani?"
"I'm not lying. I'm not sure if you ever realized just how poor I was, Klaha." Gackt swallowed. "When I said that prostitution was my only option, I meant it. I had to pay for Yoshiki's drugs and his beer, for the apaato, for the heat, the water, the electricity ... for clothes, if we ever had the chance to buy any ... and for food. There were a few others like me, who gave some of their money to Yoshiki, but they all had other places to go. Shinya and Mana, they didn't live with us. I was the only one who was completely dependent on Yoshiki."
"And you ..."
"Do you think Yoshiki had any other job? Do you think that he had any other income, besides the little bit that some of the others gave him, and the amount that I made every day for him?" Gackt's fingers tightened now, as though he hated remembering this. "That was why I could sometimes understand why Yoshiki was so angry, when I didn't make enough money. More or less, it was all MY responsibility to earn enough to pay for everything. MY customers were the most important, because I was the one who earned what it took to keep living."
Klaha watched him, still stunned about this.
Gackt glanced down and to the side again, his voice unsteady. "Around the time that K�zi approached me was before you and I found a way to meet each other without interfering with my business. Before that, Yoshiki and I were having financial problems because I wasn't making enough, and neither were the others. We barely had enough money to pay for the apaato, let alone for Yoshiki's frivolities, or for something like FOOD." He almost spoke bitterly.
"The week when K�zi came along was one of our worst. It's happened in the past where I haven't really eaten for eight days, but if you've ever experienced hunger, Klaha, then you'll know that sometimes the length of time doesn't always determine how painful it is." Gackt's voice almost caught here, as he briefly closed his eyes. "That week, I gave all my money to Yoshiki every day, and he added it to our finances, but that didn't mean we had enough to buy food. I needed a new jacket, but really, that's not important. Food was more important, but we couldn't afford that either, so we didn't. We had nothing left in the apaato, so I just didn't eat that week. Nothing."
"And when K�zi approached you ..." Klaha began softly.
"I ... I was starving," Gackt at last confessed in a tiny broken voice. He sniffled suddenly, clearing his throat. "When K�zi came up to me, I didn't know who he was yet. I didn't WANT to sleep with him, though, because he was so young. About my age, I could tell that at least. But he was one of those rich kids with enough money to afford me, like I told you about. I'd been out there for hours, but surprisingly, nobody came up to me until K�zi ... No one wanted me that night, and I was getting desperate. I could only think that maybe I'd have enough money to buy some food, if I slept with K�zi, so I agreed when he asked me. I took him back to my apaato.
"Only then, I asked his name. I always ask them their names, and sometimes they don't want to tell me, but that's all right." He spoke softly again. "He told me his. Suddenly I knew that I couldn't do it, I couldn't. I knew what it would mean to you ... but ..."
"Gackt ..." Klaha swallowed.
"What would you have done, Klaha?"
Klaha looked up at him. "Nani?"
Gackt gazed at him with tear-filled eyes, keeping his grief under control as he said, "I honestly want to know. If you were in my position ... if YOU hadn't eaten for five days, and you had my choices, what would you do? Sleep with a stranger you knew you shouldn't have even gone near, or wait to see whether you'd be able to buy some food next week because you hadn't eaten at all this week and felt faint?"
Klaha swallowed hard. "Why didn't you tell me any of that?" he asked.
"There are a lot of things that I don't tell you."
"Like what?"
"Like that," Gackt said in a low voice. "And other things. You've seen enough of the way my life used to be. Some things are just too ... horrible ... for me to tell you. So I don't. And I don't want you think that I slept with K�zi because I was starving to DEATH. I've never been that destitute. But it was either sleep with him or go hungry for another few days. Get beaten by Yoshiki for another few days, for not having enough money. When you have choices like that, you let your body do your thinking for you."
Klaha shook his head and came forward. "Gackt," he said. "I'm so sorry."
"But what I did WAS wrong," Gackt contradicted him firmly, as he tried to turn his head away, even when Klaha was only inches away from him. "I'm not going to make excuses for it. I shouldn't have done it. I know that."
"I forgive you," Klaha whispered.
Gackt stopped. "W-What?"
"I forgive you," Klaha said again, even more softly. Staring down at Gackt, he stood right in front of him and then reached out, pulling Gackt into an embrace. This time Gackt did not resist, because he was too stunned to say anything, or to try to push Klaha away. Klaha wrapped his arms around Gackt and held the other boy tightly, squeezing his eyes shut, as Gackt merely stood there, blinking very quickly, his hands dangling until Klaha helped him by placing them around his own neck.
"Gomen nasai," Klaha murmured now. "I ... I know that you're not a prostitute anymore. At heart you never were. It hurts me to think about, especially you with K�zi, but it doesn't matter---it shouldn't matter---I won't let it matter. We're together now."
Gackt took a long unsteady breath. "We are," he whispered, inaudibly. "At least, for now."
[Two days later]
"I don't understand," K�zi mused aloud.
Kami glanced up at him. He was sitting next to K�zi on the top row of the bleachers just outside the soccer field of the school's sports area, as the two of them watched all of the other boys running around chasing the ball. K�zi was dressed in black, as usual, for the gym clothes that he'd chosen were far from suitable for physical activities even though he claimed to like gym because he didn't have to think. Right now he seemed occupied with other matters.
Kami, one of his close friends, was dressed in a pair of black gym pants and a violet short-sleeved shirt, having decided to skip out on activities so that he could talk to K�zi. Kami pulled some strands of his exceedingly long, rich brown hair over his shoulder and cast a glance up at K�zi. He always wondered why K�zi never saw the way he looked at him ...
K�zi barely noticed him at all right now. It was as though Kami was talking to the sky. "You don't understand what?" he asked, anyway.
"Klaha."
Kami restrained the urge to heave a sigh and close his eyes tightly. He didn't understand K�zi's fascination with Klaha. Kami respected Klaha as an interesting person, someone worth getting to know, but he resented the way that K�zi lusted after the other boy. He was so sick of hearing Klaha's name by this point that he felt like screaming that to K�zi, but even THAT probably wouldn't make K�zi notice him either. "What about Klaha?"
"I don't understand how the hell he could just turn around, after I tell him that I fucked his boyfriend, and go back to him." K�zi was annoyed now, as he watched Klaha.
Klaha was dressed in his own gym clothes, and was running past all the other boys to kick the ball to the desired goal. He ran swiftly due to his long legs and managed to outrun most of the other boys, and his aim was so well-placed that although the goalie leapt to defend the goal, the ball still made it past him. Klaha's attempt had succeeded. Cheers rang up from one half of the boys on the field, those on Klaha's team, and the other half muttered muffled curses under their breaths.
K�zi's eyes glowed, showing his desire when he watched Klaha's liquid movements. However, once Klaha scored the goal and the teams took a break to be instructed by the phys ed teacher, K�zi allowed his eyes to turn down onto Kami, who immediately disguised the longing in his own eyes so that K�zi wouldn't see it.
"His boyfriend? You mean Gackt?" Kami asked now, remembering what K�zi had told him about the boy who was living with Klaha now.
"Hai. That little whore."
Kami barely had any idea of what K�zi was talking about anymore. He'd heard the stories from Kaoru and Pata, even from Yu~ki---another of their friends, a rather quiet boy---about what was going on in K�zi's life. Kami was more preoccupied with K�zi himself than K�zi's apparent lust for Klaha, someone who he obviously couldn't have.
Why can't he just recognize that, Kami would wonder in frustration? Why can't he just recognize that Klaha isn't attracted to him, so that he can move on with his life? K�zi had found out somehow that Klaha's and Gackt's relationship was better again, which should have put him off, but he didn't SEEM hampered by it ...
"So what do you plan to do about it?"
K�zi sighed, and shrugged his lean shoulders. "I don't know," he just said.
Kami blinked, sensing a tone in K�zi's voice that he hadn't heard before. What was that? Was that actual resignment? It actually sounded as though K�zi was getting tired with being rejected by Klaha, as though he was starting to wonder whether it was worth it anymore. Either that, or Kami was being overly hopeful and heedless of reality. "Does he love him?"
K�zi was now the one to blink, and look over at the boy who was equal in height to him, though he sat one step down on the bleachers. "Nani?"
"Does he?" Kami repeated, raising an eyebrow at him.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm talking about Klaha, baka," Kami said, with a rare little smirk and a shake of his head. "Does Klaha love Gackt?"
K�zi watched him for a minute, and then a small frown settled over his features, not irritated with Kami but with the idea of Klaha and Gackt together. "He can't," he said quietly, but almost vehemently, casting another glance out over the field, where Klaha was sitting on the grass, slightly apart from the others, looking deep in thought. "He can't love him. Why would he? Gackt's just a prostitute."
"But it looks like he cares about him." Kami thought about this for a moment. He hadn't seen Klaha and Gackt together, but it was easy to assume. "If he thinks that Gackt's just a prostitute, would he have let him stay with him? Would he have been so upset when you told him that you'd slept with Gackt?"
"... No," K�zi admitted sullenly.
'Think about that, ne?' Kami said in his mind, sighing painfully. 'Think about it.'
NOTES~I couldn't bear to torture them, or myself, enough to keep the two of them apart, so I brought Gackt and Klaha back together again. You know, now that I think about it, this really is an unusual pairing ... probably one of the least likely ones to ever happen! Ne, I wonder if Gackt resents Klaha in real life for taking his place ...? Anyway, though, what did you think of my throwing in Kami's affection for K�zi in the end? We'll just have to see where that goes.
Glossary
okaasama: mother
hai: yes
nani: what
apaato: apartment
gomen nasai: I'm very sorry
baka: idiot
To Be Continued
To the next part