Ma Cherie: Part Eleven
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Gackt soon realized that his promise to Közi would be much harder to keep than he originally thought.
Tension, but not really tension, immediately began to arise, and both Gackt and Klaha noticed that they would brush together accidentally sometimes, and there would be a certain surge of energy. It was an energy that made them both blush slightly, stare at each other, and then look away very fast. Both of them thought about being with the other ... intimately, but the thoughts weren't really serious. Each felt shameful for thinking that way about the other boy, for their own reasons.
Their friendship was secure, but neither was sure about where it was going. They trusted each other, in any case, even though they didn't see each other much during the day. They spent their early mornings and late afternoons, their evenings, together. This was because after that first day, Gackt didn't go with Klaha to school anymore, but then, there wasn't really a reason to be worried about him anymore. He was slowly but surely getting better, and his recovery from the shock of Yoshiki's death was coming along.
One night, Gackt had nightmares. Or, he thought he did. He wasn't certain. When he woke up, he didn't remember anything.
However, his breath was coming quickly and there were tears on his face as he sat bolt upright in his bed, pushing the sheets aside. Panting, he looked around in the darkness of Klaha's sister's room, and his eyes rested on the clock several feet away.
12:04 AM. What an odd time to wake up. Gackt shook his head to himself and tried to calm down. 'I'm being stupid,' he scolded himself silently, wiping his face. 'I don't even know what I dreamed about.'
But something told him that he couldn't just go back to sleep. This had happened to him before in the recent past, since he'd come to move in with Klaha. It had only been about a couple of weeks since he'd come, and Klaha's parents called regularly to make sure that Klaha was safe, with a stranger like Gackt staying at their house. Gackt felt safe only when he knew that Klaha was in the next room, but sometimes, when he woke up like this, he needed his company.
Therefore, Gackt got out of bed and almost timidly walked out of the room. The hallway was dark, since it was both too late and too early to be light, and Gackt almost stumbled several times. Then he found himself at Klaha's door ...
Klaha was laying in bed asleep, and didn't hear the creak of the door open. He was restful in slumber, and quite unaware of the soft footsteps crossing the room towards him. He was on his side, facing away from Gackt, his eyes closed, his chest slowly rising and falling with his breath. When Gackt sat down on the bed next to him, he didn't feel the slight sinking of the mattress.
He only woke up when Gackt got on his side next to him and pressed up against him, sliding his arms around Klaha's body. Klaha opened his eyes suddenly, and caught his breath. "What---" He still hadn't gotten used to this practice.
Gackt allowed him to roll over and face him. Klaha's eyes calmed down when he saw through the darkness that it was Gackt laying next to him, not that he had expected anyone else. He saw the sensitivity in Gackt's face and could tell that the other boy needed his presence, needed the warmth that would come from holding him. So Klaha let his arms slip around Gackt also, holding him close and looking down at him gently. "Gackt ..."
Gackt lay against him. He let out a short sigh. "Gomen."
"Don't apologize!" Klaha said, almost frowning. He was surprised by the fact that Gackt had come into his room again. When it had happened before, he'd thought it would be a one-time thing. But he was grateful almost to tears that Gackt was finally accepting his help now.
"I feel bad for waking you up."
Klaha shook his head and lay against the pillows. "Don't think about it. Just stay until you feel better."
They remained there like that for a short time, holding each other. Klaha's eyes were on Gackt, and Gackt's eyes were on the far window, which displayed some of the distant lights from other houses all the way down the grand neighborhood.
When Gackt started drifting off, Klaha's voice roused him. "Gackt?"
"Mmm," Gackt murmured. "Hai?"
"About Yoshiki ..."
Gackt fell silent, but swallowed and nodded.
"What was he like?" Klaha whispered, now following Gackt's eyes to gaze out the far window. "I mean, when hide-san was alive. You said that he was different, and ... well ... it's hard to picture that."
"I know." Gackt winced. "I can understand that."
"Do you mind telling me?" Klaha asked, worriedly. "You don't have to."
Gackt's sadness when he remembered Yoshiki was almost overpowered by his temporary annoyance with Klaha, and he tilted his head to frown up at the other boy. "For the last time," he started, almost impatiently, "you have to stop asking to talk to me! I'm not a doll, you know. I'm not weak enough to break."
---Yes, you are.---
"I know." Klaha nodded, and sighed. "Then, what was Yoshiki like when hide-san was alive?"
"He was different," Gackt assented yet again, even though his irritation dissolved into pain once more. "He didn't like me at first, when hide ... when hide brought me home. He thought that I would come between the two of them, because they were young and they loved each other, and I was just this small, annoying child who talked too much. When I was really young, I used to be much more loud than I am now."
"I can't picture that either ..."
Gackt paused for a moment, leaning against him. "I suppose you wouldn't be able to. I've been quiet for a long, long time." He didn't bother to elaborate on that. "Anyway ... Yoshiki started being nicer to me because hide cared about me. He'd pretend to act mean, or as though he just didn't like me, when I could tell that he had at least SOME affection for me. I could see it in his eyes."
"And when hide died?" Klaha asked softly.
"Yoshiki changed. He changed so much." Gackt bit his lip, tensing for a moment. "He turned to anything, everything else, so that he could find comfort. He ... He loved hide so completely. When hide died, it was impossible for him to truly be happy anymore. He became darker, in a way, and all that false roughness turned into real hatred ... the same hatred that he felt for me, even until the day he ... when he ..."
Klaha clutched him, his eyes widening. "He didn't hate you!"
Gackt only shook his head, and murmured, "I shouldn't be so upset. I never loved Yoshiki the way it probably seems like I did. Sometimes I even convinced myself that I hated him. But ... I know that I cared for him at least to some degree, since he was the only person I had left ... or else it wouldn't hurt me so much, now that he's gone."
Klaha didn't know what to say. There was a short silence, and then, something came to mind. Hesitantly, embarrassed, he forced himself to voice the question that had been bothering him for the last few months. "Gackt, when did ... when did you have sex for the first time?"
Gackt paused. "When did I lose my virginity, you mean?" he asked softly.
"H-Hai."
"I was fifteen," Gackt responded.
Klaha nodded, though his mind was absorbing this. At first he was shocked, to think that Gackt had begun to do what would become his occupation at such a young age, but then he almost felt embarrassed again, this time because he was already seventeen and was still a virgin. He knew that being a prostitute and having sex regularly wasn't exactly something to be proud of, but still, it was almost awkward and humbling to be so inexperienced alongside of Gackt. "Who was it?" he asked Gackt now, trying to hide his blush.
Gackt answered in a whisper, unsteadily. "Yoshiki."
Klaha froze. "It was YOSHIKI?" he answered in disbelief, as he gazed down at Gackt. Something told him that Gackt needed him now, and through his surprise he pulled Gackt closer and rested his arms around the other boy's waist so that his hands were upon his stomach. Through his own shock, he felt as though he should comfort Gackt, and he let his fingers stroke Gackt's stomach lightly.
Gackt nodded, melting back into Klaha.
Klaha hesitated again, and asked shyly, "Do you mind telling me about it?"
"You want to know?"
"I'm ... curious ... about what it was like for you." He barely managed to force himself to say this.
Gackt almost smiled. "All right. If you want, I'll tell you."
"Arigato."
Gackt nodded again. He looked down at his hands, and summed up the courage to describe his first experience to Klaha. "Before that night, I had never even kissed another boy. I'd only kissed a few girls, in school, of course, but not seriously. You have, too, ne?"
Klaha nodded. He actually had once had a couple of girlfriends, in secondary school, and had kissed them, too. But that was nothing unusual.
"After hide died, I became very depressed also," Gackt said quietly. "After all, hide had always been more affectionate to me than Yoshiki was. hide was the one who took me in. He was always busy with other things, was always running in and out, even more than Yoshiki. That was because Yoshiki got money by having other people work FOR him. He still does ... did," he corrected himself then, painfully. "hide had to find work wherever he could, so I didn't see him as much, but I knew that he cared. The first few weeks after he died were very hard for Yoshiki and I, for both of us.
"One night, still early after hide's death, I was in our bedroom. We all used to share a room, because you know how small the apaato is ... was," he corrected himself again, even more weakly, when remembering that he didn't live there anymore. "The living room was the only primary room, and what was our bedroom in the earlier days became the customer room later on. That's what I used it for. Yoshiki and I slept in the living room, up until he died too and I came to stay with you."
Klaha looked down at him. "Gackt ..."
"Yoshiki and hide slept in the bed, and I would sleep on a futon across the room from them. But after hide died, Yoshiki refused to sleep there anymore. I don't think he slept at all, or at least very rarely. He either slept on the couch, or he went out to avoid sleeping. This night, though, the night that I'm talking about, I woke up because I heard crying from the living room." He paused. "It was soft, but enough to wake me up. Yoshiki had always been so confident, so sure, and to hear him crying was painful to me. I got up and went to see if he was all right.
"Just as I thought, he was sitting on the couch. He had his head in his hands, and he was crying. No, he wasn't just crying ... he was sobbing. He looked so pitifully sad. I'd never seen him like that before, and it had been hard for me to even picture him as ever being that vulnerable. I never saw him like that again, actually.
"I went over and I sat down next to him, but I was a little hesitant to say anything, even though seeing him cry was almost enough to make me cry. I was only fifteen, after all. Back then, my life wasn't as hard. I had to deal with having no parents, with being unwanted, but at least there was some ... some affection in my home. I went to school then, even though it was hard and I had to skip classes a lot of the time, and there were people that I knew there. Knowing that Yoshiki whored people for a living, even back then, was disturbing to me, but I'd never had to see any of it. I'd never met any of his prostitutes, and hide wouldn't let me hear any stories about what they had to do, so I didn't know much about it, and we didn't talk about it. Back then, in fact, I'm sure that Yoshiki might even have been NICE to his whores."
"Nice?" Klaha snorted softly, then covered his mouth.
Gackt let out a short laugh, and shook his head. "Don't worry. I understand."
"I didn't mean to interrupt. You can keep going." Klaha mentally kicked himself and resolved that he would remain silent from this point on.
"Well, I ... I tried to talk to Yoshiki when we were sitting on the couch like that. But when he finally took notice of me, he became angry with me. I said his name, just once, and he stopped crying and glared at me. He tried to push me away, I mean he physically shoved at me. Not hard enough to hurt me, but in a weak attempt to make me leave. I wouldn't go, though. Something kept me from leaving, even though he started to yell at me.
"I don't remember everything. Some things are clearer than others. I know that he said, 'I don't even want to TALK to you right now. The last thing I want to see is your face.' And he told me to leave again, but I wouldn't. He was just reacting from his grief, that was all. He said that hide should have been alive, and that life wasn't worth living without him." Gackt's voice was a soft whisper breaking through the silence of the dark room.
"Back then it was hard for me to understand how much Yoshiki grieved, for hide. In the last year or so he's always showed more anger than pain, but when hide died ... his heart broke. I think that his soul even shattered." He swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut. "I told him then, even though he was yelling at me, that I understood.
"He stopped and looked at me. Stared at me. Then he started to cry again. He didn't touch me, but he even apologized for yelling at me. I don't think he wanted to apologize, but he could tell that he had startled me by raising his voice. So I tried to hug him, because I wanted to help him stop crying." Gackt paused again, overwhelmed with these memories. "I had never hugged him before. Yoshiki, after all, never showed me that much affection, like I said. Now, he let me hug him. He fell right against me, and after a while, he stopped crying. But ..."
Klaha said nothing, but blinked, noticing the discomfort in Gackt's eyes as he held him.
"His touch started to change." Gackt seemed almost puzzled, even though a couple of years had passed since all of this had happened. "I was confused, but I kept holding him. I didn't notice it too much, but still ... it's hard to explain. The way he was hugging me back just changed. He started to feel more like he was actually holding me than just letting me support him. Do you know what I mean?"
Since he had been addressed, Klaha automatically nodded. "Hai."
"And then ... he kissed me ..."
Klaha was surprised.
"On the lips," Gackt said, his eyes on his hands again, which were clenched tightly over Klaha's on his flat stomach. "Back then, he ... he was gentle with me. At least, he felt gentle. There was desperation behind all of his movements more than anger, I think, more than pain. I was shocked and at first it felt wrong. I almost panicked, because Yoshiki had been more like my father over the last ten years than anything else, no matter how young he was. I tried to pull away, but he kept kissing me. He didn't force me, really, but something in the way that he touched me kept me from running."
Gackt tensed for a moment. "He whispered in my ear, 'I won't hurt you.' He'd never really hurt me before, nothing more than a couple of slaps when I was a child and had misbehaved, so I had no reason not to believe him now. And soon," he whispered, "it almost started to feel right."
Klaha held his breath without realizing that he was doing so.
"I don't know how long he was kissing me, right there on the couch, but I started to feel weak and even dizzy, because I hadn't had any time to breathe. Then, all of a sudden, he stopped. He pulled back, but then he picked me up. Almost like the way you did," he said softly, without looking at Klaha. "He just gathered me up like I weighed nothing, and it scared me. He'd never seemed that strong before, so I held on to him tightly in case he dropped me. But he didn't. He carried me into the bedroom, as though I was too weak to walk by myself. I probably was, when I think about how surprised I'd been when he kissed me.
"He didn't go to my futon. He went over to the bed, and he lowered me down onto it. He was so GENTLE with me," Gackt said almost in disbelief, staring at his fingers hard. "I don't know why. I would have thought that he would have been angry like later on. After a few months, whenever he became sad or angry, he'd hurt me. But this first time, when he was so upset, he was gentle with me. Like you are," he said again. "As though I would break."
Klaha said nothing. He remained perfectly still, listening almost desperately.
"I didn't know what to say." Gackt's eyes became confused. "He was putting me in the bed that he and hide used to share ... right where hide used to sleep next to him ... In the past I'd always been a bit uneasy about sharing a room with the two of them, because I ... I was always there when they made love," he said in a voice that was much lower all of a sudden, almost shy. "It was hard to sleep with the sounds of it not more than six or so feet away. But right then, I couldn't think of that anymore, because hide was already gone, and here Yoshiki was ... putting me in his bed."
Klaha only nodded.
"I was afraid," Gackt confessed softly. "I was a little unsure of how two men would go about ... about having sex with each other, but when I was even younger, more curious, before I learned to respect people's privacy, I once watched Yoshiki and hide together." He seemed embarrassed again. "Now when I was the one who was involved, I was very nervous."
Klaha nodded again.
"Yoshiki started kissing me, and then, not long afterwards, it ... it happened ..." Gackt was staring into his lap again, and his shoulders had begun to tremble very slightly against Klaha's chest. His hands clutched Klaha's so hard that his fingers almost dug into his skin. He whispered, "It hurt at first. I was surprised, and I think I cried out. But he held me. The rest of it felt ... almost good ... like nothing I'd ever felt before." His voice was shaking a bit too, and his eyes were wide and empty. "I never expected I would enjoy being on the bottom. It always seemed so weak to me. I woke up in the morning and he was still there, but ... things became very different after that ... No one is ever there in the morning anymore."
Klaha had been silent during most of this, listening with slightly flushing cheeks, holding Gackt almost too tightly until he at last let out his breath. He wondered why he reacted like this, to the simple act of hearing Gackt talk about losing his virginity. In confession, he murmured, "I've ... I've never been with anyone."
"I know." Gackt swallowed, and his eyes became almost bitterly dull. "It's overrated. The first time it ever happened to me, I fell asleep feeling safe and warm for a change, but ... but after that, it became harsh, even more painful, not only physically but mentally, because I had to start doing it for a living." Wearily, he explained, "It lost its pleasure after a time, even though my body was convinced that it was enjoying itself."
Klaha lay down against the pillows, so that Gackt was resting against his chest again. Klaha looked at Gackt questioningly now. "Now that you don't have to anymore ... does that mean that you never want to do it again?"
Gackt was silent.
Softly, flushing again, Klaha asked shyly, "Does that mean, then, that you wouldn't want to do it, even with someone who trusted you ... someone who wouldn't want to buy you or abandon you ... someone who actually wanted to care about you?"
Gackt leaned up suddenly, looking down at Klaha's face beneath him. He sensed an implication in these words that shocked him. "Klaha ..."
Inside, Klaha's heart was racing to think of what he was doing, and how forward he was being when he had been so timid to act for the last several months. But Gackt's face as it gazed down at him was enough to force him to keep going. Before Gackt could react, Klaha leaned up and kissed him, too gently. The touch of their lips brushing together was so light that neither of them could really feel it.
So Klaha reached his hand up and held Gackt's face, leaning up again, and kissed him slightly firmer, catching his breath. Gackt almost gasped when the moist sensation of Klaha's tongue touching his lip registered in his mind. He almost pulled back, but Klaha's hand was so soft and delicate as it held his cheek. Klaha continued to kiss him for a moment, softly and intensely at the same time.
And then, at last, he pulled back again. Gackt was startled, and had frozen there, staring down at Klaha. Their first kiss.
Klaha was still touching Gackt's face, laying beneath him. He let his fingers stroke Gackt's cheek slightly, a motion that was confident even though his eyes seemed slightly nervous despite their hopefulness and affection, their intoxication, to have kissed Gackt. He whispered, "I've been curious for a long time ... and I've been lonely. I've been afraid to give myself away, even though I know there are people who want me." Közi. "But I'm starting to think that I've found the person I want to give myself to, for the first time ... as meaningfully as you did."
Gackt was still in shock. He swallowed hard, and then moved slightly back and to the side, filling with pain that rose as high as his alarm. Klaha watched him uncertainly, hopefully, sitting up next to him. Gackt whispered, "No. You don't want me."
Klaha blinked.
"You're not thinking! Why would you want a ... a whore, to take your virginity? It's special, Klaha. Or, it's supposed to be. Really special. You don't want me!" He almost choked on his words, speaking roughly. "I know you might think you want to, but it doesn't make any sense. It would be horrible to have yourself taken, for the first time, by someone whose body was so used! No. No, you don't want me to do it ..."
Klaha was stunned, and hurt by Gackt's words. Suddenly he leaned forward, sliding an arm around Gackt's back, and kissed him again, harder, to silence him. "Stop it!"
Gackt closed his mouth immediately.
Then Klaha became tender, and he cradled Gackt against him, gazing into his eyes. "I DO want you," he said softly. "I trust you more than anyone else in the world. I've never had a friend like you ... It doesn't matter whether you've had sex before, what you've done, what horrible things have happened to you. I only feel sorry for that, not repulsed, not intimidated, anymore."
Gackt gazed up at him, his eyes imploring.
"I only want YOU," Klaha told him gently, touching his face again. "You're so important to me ..." He shook his head, and confessed quietly, "I've never found a way to care about anyone as much as I care about you, now. I've never been able to take care of anyone else, never been able to let anyone take care of me, and you've shown me things that no one else has. You ... You've changed me."
Gackt swallowed, unable to look away.
Klaha took his face in both hands again, and gazed into his eyes. "Don't think so little of yourself," he whispered. "I WANT you to be my first. Don't you see? Why are you so timid? Do you think that I don't have faith in you? I'm not afraid of any diseases, Gackt, I know that won't happen. I don't care. I trust you ..." Klaha began to lean down again.
Gackt stifled a sob and closed his eyes, turning his head slightly away. "I'm not worthy of you," he whispered, angrily, thinking that maybe if he offended Klaha, then the other boy would let him leave before he weakened too much and succumbed. "It ... It sounds cliched, but it's true. I've never been worthy of you. I know that I'm lucky, and careful enough not to be contaminated by any diseases. Just my own shame. You ... You deserve more than me ..."
"No," Klaha began to murmur.
But Gackt spoke again, starting to pull away. "It's true. You're the special one, Klaha. I never trusted wealthy people before. The only wealthy people I ever met wanted to buy me. But you're different, YOU'RE special. When you give yourself away, it should be to someone just as special as you. I've been through too much." In the back of his mind, an image of Közi, and an echoing of Közi's words, reminded him of the horrible truth: that he could not let himself sleep with Klaha, no matter how much he wanted to, because of the risk of Közi telling Klaha about his true betrayal, that Gackt regretted to this day.
Therefore, Gackt pulled Klaha's hands away from his face. With tears in his eyes he whispered, "Gomen nasai ..."
He was about to run off, but faltered. He looked back into Klaha's eyes, which looked stunned, saddened, and even hurt. Gackt wished desperately, with a heavy heart, that he had never even met Közi, that he didn't have to feel so unable to accept Klaha now. Haltingly, Gackt leaned down and kissed Klaha's lips again, deeply, of his own accord. Then, crying silently, he got up and disappeared from the room.
[A couple of days later]
Gackt's resistance did not last. He couldn't make it last, though he wanted to.
He and Klaha tried to behave normally. At first, Gackt felt ashamed for turning Klaha down, and in turn, Klaha felt rejected. But Gackt tried to reassure him without saying anything directly about the incident, and Klaha knew that Gackt hadn't told him no because he didn't like him. They remained friends, even though it was even harder now to deny their attraction.
Every time they touched ... they both felt a little spark.
And Gackt began to wonder, 'What's keeping me from doing it ... when I want to so much?'
It was Közi. Since Gackt didn't go to school with Klaha after that one day, he didn't see Közi again, but he was certain that Közi would know just by looking at Klaha whether Gackt had had sex with him or not. Gackt was inwardly terrified of allowing Klaha to find out that he and Közi had had sex. That was the main thing keeping him from succumbing, even though he knew that he was also afraid of corrupting Klaha.
But those points, no matter how strong, couldn't hold him back forever. He knew it. He was angry with Közi. Furious with him, for keeping him from any happiness. Could Gackt keep himself away from Klaha any longer ...?
Klaha slipped off his shoes and took off his jacket. It was still cold outside, and walking home from school had chilled him to the bone. He set his bag against the wall, as usual, and loosened his school uniform, starting to go curiously upstairs. He wondered how Gackt was doing today. Sometimes Gackt had good days, and sometimes bad days. Either way, Gackt's state usually determined how happy Klaha was. Klaha went down the hallway and up the stairs, peeking around corners in case Gackt was downstairs, which he wasn't.
When he got upstairs, he found that Gackt's bedroom door was open. "Gackt ...?" he called softly. Peeking into the room, he saw that it was empty.
Klaha blinked. Where could Gackt be? He went back down the hallway a bit, then halted in front of his own bedroom. The door was closed. But it was hard to understand why Gackt would be in HIS bedroom, and not the room that had been temporarily lent to him. Klaha reached for the doorknob, and creaked the door open, without looking in yet, in case Gackt wasn't dressed, or in case he was coming out of the shower, not that he would be. "Gackt?"
Gackt's voice softly answered, "Hai."
Klaha opened the door fully and walked inside. Gackt was sitting on the edge of his bed, dressed in a tank top and a pair of pajama bottoms that were baggier in comparison. Klaha's heating system was so good, after all, that sometimes it could become too warm even when outside, it was freezing. "What are you doing in here?" Klaha asked curiously, pausing by the bed and looking down at him.
Gackt gazed up at him blankly, as though he was searching him. "Waiting for you," he simply responded.
"For me?" Klaha blinked. "Why?"
Gackt didn't answer. He reached out and took Klaha's hand in one of his, then with both hands, and held Klaha's fingers. He moved Klaha's hand idly, this way and that, touching his palm softly and gazing at it as though he was observing it. Klaha was surprised, and caught his breath. Gackt almost never made the first move to touch him, unless he was very upset, and he didn't seem that upset.
Klaha came next to him and sat down next to him on the bed, gazing at him. "What is it?"
Gackt shook his head. "Nothing's wrong, if that's what you mean."
"Well, what's on your mind, then?" Klaha tilted his head, holding Gackt's hands.
Gackt smiled. Klaha stared at him, his lips parting as though he wanted to say something. Gackt hadn't smiled at him since before Yoshiki had died, and that had been several weeks ago by now. Gackt's smile was so beautiful, when he let other people see it. "What?" Klaha asked again, stunned.
Gackt shook his head. Then, he leaned forward and kissed Klaha.
It was a tender kiss, as though Gackt wasn't entirely sure of what Klaha would think. He pressed his lips against Klaha's softly, showing a bit of aggression but also shyness, as warmth radiated between their mouths. Klaha's eyelashes fluttered, and then his eyes fell closed. Relieved that he hadn't been pushed away, Gackt continued to kiss him, even a bit harder.
As he did so, Gackt's hands drifted to take Klaha's again. As he held Klaha's fingers within his own, he broke the kiss for just a moment. Klaha's eyes remained closed for a moment, and then they slowly drifted open, as he tried to catch his breath.
Gackt stared into his eyes, seriously, shyly, holding his hand. "Klaha ..."
"H-Hai?" Klaha managed.
"I want to have sex with you," he whispered.
Klaha's eyes flew open, and he stared at Gackt in disbelief. "Nani?" He swallowed. "You're not serious ... are you?"
Gackt refused to look away. "Of course I'm serious." He knew what he was saying, even though it was difficult for him to say it. There was also an odd emotion of something else in Gackt's eyes, as he shifted forward slightly, closer on the bed, so that their shoulders were slightly touching. "I want to have sex with you ..."
Klaha swallowed again, his fingers almost loosening from Gackt's hand, except Gackt was holding his own delicately in a way that he could not escape. "You ... You do?" he only said, stupidly.
"Un." Gackt nodded, almost shyly, and glanced away. "You told me that you wanted me to ... to take your virginity. But I was afraid ..." Thanks to Közi, but right now, that boy was the last thing that mattered. "I didn't know if I was ready to be with anyone, like that, again. But I'm ready now." He paused a moment. "And I want you. I want to be your first."
Klaha gazed at him for a moment, almost frightened. He'd wanted this himself, but all of a sudden, he was a little bit uncertain.
However, he fought that emotion back, and leaned down suddenly, pressing his lips forcefully against Gackt's again, drawing him into a deep intense kiss. Gackt instantly responded, sliding his arms around Klaha's body as they sat together, kissing him back. He soon slipped his tongue into Klaha's mouth, causing Klaha to jump for a moment and then deepen the kiss even more. Klaha had been curious about this feeling, and he liked it. Gackt was so much more experienced than him, and Klaha had never really realized that someone could do these kinds of things with his mouth.
As they kissed, Gackt subconsciously started moving Klaha back towards the pillows, and Klaha began sliding on his back towards them as well. But just when they were halfway there, Gackt broke the kiss again, stopping rather suddenly.
They both sat there breathing heavily, their arms still wrapped around each other, but they were a bit more distanced now. Klaha gazed up at Gackt, feeling his heart sinking. Had he changed his mind? "What's wrong?" he asked softly.
Gackt shook his head and smiled. "Nothing. I just wanted to see how beautiful you look."
Klaha blushed faintly. After a moment, his heart began racing faster to feel Gackt's fingers reaching up and starting to undo the buttons of his uniform. As this happened, Gackt leaned down and kissed Klaha again, not too hard, but not too soft, either, engaging his tongue in a soft warmth. Almost uncertainly, Gackt would pause every now again as though to silently wait for Klaha's permission. At these times, Klaha would kiss Gackt back a little harder, his mouth caressing Gackt's with dizzying need, to tell him that he could keep going.
Gackt removed Klaha's jacket, pulling it off him carefully and tossing it aside. He did the same with Klaha's shirt, until Klaha was bare from the waist up beneath him.
He pressed his lips against Klaha's neck for a moment, sliding his tongue out to taste Klaha's skin, which was cool and fresh. As he did so, Klaha's breath came a little quicker, and his arms came up around Gackt's body, as he in turn carefully tugged at the undershirt that Gackt was wearing. "C-Can I?"
At this whisper, Gackt nodded, and kissed Klaha's lips again.
Klaha pulled the shirt up over Gackt's head, his fingers running through Gackt's hair to pull it out of the way. Klaha threw the undershirt off into the half-lit room somewhere. It was light outside, but the blinds were drawn, so it was a pleasant atmosphere indoors. Klaha stared over Gackt's head into the dim glow of the room as Gackt kissed his neck again.
Gackt then moved up and kissed Klaha's hair, inhaling briefly to smell the soft, sweet scent of the thick, dark strands. He kissed down the side of Klaha's face, willing himself not to think of how many times other people had tried to do this with him---how many times they'd tried to act intimate, when he knew that they only wanted his body, not to show him false affection.
This was real affection. Gackt knew it. He wanted this.
Their chests were both bare now, and the softness of skin against skin caused them both to breathe in for a moment, surprised, while their lips were pressed together. Klaha's hands rubbed Gackt's back, sliding from his waist to his shoulders, lingering for a moment every once and again to massage his muscles.
Suddenly, Gackt blinked when Klaha's fingers came up beneath his chin.
Klaha lifted Gackt's face to look down at him again, and Klaha smiled up at him, gazing at him through half-open, heavy-lashed eyes. Without saying a word, he leaned up and took Gackt's lips again, stroking Gackt's face with his fingertips.
Gackt's fingers danced lower down Klaha's body, pausing above his pants. Klaha gasped slightly, swallowing hard.
He gazed up into Gackt's eyes, as both of them paused for a moment. Klaha couldn't help his anxiety. He'd never done sexual things like this before. He'd never done ANY sexual things before, as a matter of fact. He couldn't find a way to actually form the words in his mind, but he was thinking the truth: Gackt was going to claim him. Gackt didn't want to be claimed anymore, but he wanted to claim Klaha. Take his virginity.
Although Klaha was looking forward to this more than anything right now, he NEEDED it more than anything else right now, he felt nervousness growing in his chest, and butterflies in his stomach, even as Gackt's eyes showed gentleness as well as passion above him. This would be a new experience for Klaha, and he knew very little about it. He'd watched Gackt and Yoshiki having sex, but that was it. He didn't know exactly what Gackt was going to do to him, or how he'd do it, and he wondered if Gackt realized his insecurity.
Would Gackt be careful with him? Klaha had heard some frightening things about this variety of act, and seen a few frightening things. What he had heard, not only from Gackt, was that incredible pain was involved, and even some danger. Would it hurt, he now wondered? Would it damage him?
Gackt whispered, "Daijoubu ..."
Klaha looked up at him again.
Gackt leaned back down and kissed him again, softly. "Relax," he said now. "I don't want to hurt you."
"I know," Klaha responded, kissing him in return.
Gackt smiled slightly, yet again, and abandoned Klaha's lips. His hands caressed their way down Klaha's chest, and found their way back to Klaha's pants again. This time, Klaha didn't flinch, so Gackt took the initiative to unbutton them. He was very careful as he took the rest of Klaha's clothing off, even though inside, he was burning with desire: he knew that he had to be gentle with Klaha, just as Klaha knew that he had to be gentle with Gackt. Gackt removed Klaha's pants and shorts and put them aside, until Klaha was naked before him.
Klaha's cheeks flushed slightly, and started to feel the burning desire to hide himself. He thought to himself that he was too skinny, not tall enough, maybe, or something along those lines. He couldn't help but feel self-conscious, for Gackt had never seen him naked before.
But Gackt kissed his lips one last time, reassuring him. "Daijoubu," he whispered again.
His lips began to trail downward. He placed his hands on Klaha's hips to brace himself, as he kissed Klaha's left cheek, then his right cheek. Then he kissed Klaha's chin, Klaha's throat, moving downwards. Softly he pressed his lips against the lower curve of his neck, then his clavicle, then his chest. He shifted his body backwards as he kissed Klaha's stomach, his abdomen, until he was positioned where he wanted to be.
He looked back up at Klaha again, from where he was, silently. Blushing again, Klaha could only nod.
Gackt turned his eyes downward, fixing his eyes on Klaha's midsection, almost making Klaha self-conscious again before he brought his head down. He held Klaha's hips at first, as though keeping him in place, while his hands brushed the insides of Klaha's thighs.
Gackt began to carefully stroke Klaha's flesh with his tongue. Klaha inhaled suddenly, shifting, and leaned back, overwhelmed.
For a moment, images surged up in Gackt's mind. Images of himself, on a bed between someone's legs, or kneeling on the floor in front of them, or hovering over their body with his face here, as he did exactly what he was doing now. Without even knowing their names, fighting tears, keeping himself silent as he worked swiftly and with skill to bring the stranger to climax. 'No!' went through Gackt's mind angrily, and he chased these thoughts away. He was with Klaha now. Not them. Not any of them.
Gackt continued to lick at Klaha gently, adeptly, much more tenderly than he had ever been with anyone before. A bit of warmth swelled in his heart to think that he could be here with Klaha now, bringing him this kind of pleasure, really for the first time.
Klaha moaned out softly. "Gackt ..."
Gackt felt Klaha's fingers travel to his head and burrow in his hair, gently caressing the brown silky strands, twitching occasionally when another wave of pleasure overtook him. Gackt took more and more of Klaha into his mouth, creating a warm, pulling suction.
Klaha had never felt like this before. This feeling was intoxicating. At first it was shocking, because he'd never felt the sensation of someone else's tongue on the most intimate portion of his body before, but he remembered that it was Gackt. Through a cloud of his immense pleasure, Klaha saw that Gackt's head was bowed, his mouth working quickly, and Klaha stroked his hair more, biting back a sigh, even as his body shuddered. He raised his hips, his breath thick.
An overwhelming passion was spreading through Klaha's body, as though his heart was pumping it instead of blood. The pleasure was so great that he could hardly think straight. He couldn't even hear anything except his own heartbeat, and the little moans that were coming out of himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, and felt the pleasure only more greatly, when his other senses were closed off. Gackt's fingers were gently caressing the insides of his thighs, while his warmth breath hit Klaha's hips and flesh.
Soon, Klaha couldn't take it any longer. This was too much ... "G-Gackt ..." Klaha managed to gasp out again, as an increase of pleasure began to grow within him.
Gackt could feel Klaha's body trembling more violently suddenly, and he could tell that soon, Klaha would hit climax. He barely heard the word that was spoken, the command, but could feel the urgency in Klaha's body and in his fingers touching his hair. The mere presence that Klaha emanated in the room indicated that he was going to reach his peak soon.
Gackt began to change his pace, in order to catch his breath, and he slid his tongue back into his mouth a little bit. Klaha spread his legs wider, opening and closing his eyes in shock, his mouth open to allow his gasping breath to escape, as more and more pleasure swept over his body.
Then at last, he reached his climax, just when Gackt intended him to.
Klaha's entire body felt it. He felt the utmost pleasure stretching out to the tips of his fingers, the ends of his hair, even his toes, as a great shudder overtook him. Gackt kept him in place even as his body lurched. That last sighing moan came out of Klaha, crying out in the darkness. His hair trembled, framing his face like an angel, as he closed his eyes, breathing heavily, regaining his composure. Gackt finished cleaning up what he had caused, and then released Klaha's hips.
He came up, sliding next to Klaha's still-trembling body, to lay next to him. Immediately Klaha's arms slid around Gackt's body and pulled the other boy on top of him. All too happy to oblige, Gackt leaned down and kissed Klaha's lips.
"Arigato," Klaha whispered, staring up into his eyes, panting slightly. "Arigato ..."
Gackt shook his head and gazed back down at him. Klaha's full lips curved in a slight smile as he parted his legs a bit, allowing Gackt's body to slide in between them, even though Gackt had been carefully holding himself above Klaha before. Startled, Gackt looked down at him, and saw the look in Klaha's eyes. Klaha was silently asking him to do it, silently telling him again that he wanted him to be the one to take his virginity, here, now.
Gackt stopped. It seemed all too sudden. Suddenly, he fell deep in thought, gazing at Klaha with furrowed brows.
The smile slowly slid from Klaha's face, and he looked up at Gackt both nervously and curiously as his hand stroked Gackt's shoulder. He could tell that Gackt was hesitating, and had to wonder fearfully again whether Gackt had changed his mind. "What is it?" he asked softly.
Gackt only shook his head at first. He moved so that his face was over Klaha's, and then leaned down, to claim his lips again. They kissed deeply and passionately at first, their eyes closing even as their minds both tried to think of what would happen now. Then, at last, Gackt pulled his lips away, but brushed them against Klaha's cheek before he gazed into his eyes again, seriously. "Klaha ..."
"Hai?" Klaha responded quietly, kissing his cheek as well.
Gackt wanted this. Never before in his life had he wanted to do this so much as he did right now, with Klaha. His passion was consuming him, and this was the only place he wanted to be, here where he could claim Klaha, to feel this passion with him, but he knew enough to wait. He cared enough to wait, even though it was exceedingly difficult to restrain his desire when he spoke. "I'm ready," he warned him.
Klaha was ready himself, by now, and he nodded.
Gackt's eyes became concerned, almost shy. "But please," he said, averting his gaze for a moment out of timidity, "tell me, now, if you want me to stop." He paused, whispering. "I know you think you want to do this, but you've ... you've never done it before."
Klaha swallowed and shook his head. "No ..."
"You don't know everything there is to know about it." Gackt found the composure through the passion to get out all these involved words. He cared about Klaha just as much as he wanted him, and he wanted to make sure that Klaha was ready. He didn't want to hurt Klaha, as he'd been hurt, even though he knew that there was no way to keep Klaha from feeling any pain. "Try not to get the wrong idea. I want to be your first, but ... you wouldn't really know what to expect ... Are you sure you want me to keep going?"
"Of course I am," Klaha assured him, stroking his cheek.
Gackt brought his face down closer, looking at him sincerely, catching his breath. He tried to warn him, "I'm going to take you, Klaha, and if I do that, you'll ... it ... it will hurt."
Klaha gazed up at him. He'd expected this. "I know," he whispered back. "But that's all right."
"Are you SURE?" Gackt was almost anxious as he looked back down. "I ... I ..."
"Nani?"
"I don't want to hurt you," he whispered.
Klaha shook his head, and kissed Gackt's lips again, deeply. As he did so, he stroked Gackt's hair. Before now he'd never quite realized how much he wanted to feel this, as he was now in Gackt's arms. He'd never realized that his and Gackt's bodies fit together so well, so perfectly, as they lay there together. "You could never hurt me."
Gackt took a moment now, nodding. It was very rare these days that he was placed in this position. With girls who had paid him, in the past, he'd always taken on the dominant role, at least in the physical aspect of sex, because he possessed what a woman did not. But in the more common case, when a man was involved, Gackt had been forced to become more delicate, more submissive, and had needed to allow himself to be taken rather than to take. But things were different this time. It was necessary for Gackt to take on the dominant role.
His worry for Klaha gradually dissolved with the last few words spoken, though he continued to be careful as he let Klaha kiss him. He then removed the remainder of his clothing also, so that his naked body was laying on top of Klaha's, before lubricating himself with what he had already brought into the room and set on the nightstand in preparation. When their skin made contact, both of them shivered, then wrapped their arms around each other again. Gackt kissed Klaha, and then cautiously moved his hands down to Klaha's hips again, gently stroking him as he went. He placed his hand on Klaha's thigh.
"Then just remember what I said," he murmured now, kissing Klaha. "If you want me to stop, I'll understand. But you have to tell me ..."
"I won't have to do that," Klaha whispered back, sliding his arms around Gackt's body again.
Gackt smiled very slightly, just a bit, and with his hand he spread Klaha's legs. As Klaha seemed to melt back into the pillows and donate his complete trust to Gackt, he turned his hips up to him, pulling him down on top of him again. Gackt moved his own hips closer and positioned himself so that he was ready to begin, though all his movements were a bit staggered because of his halting breath, his increasing passion and need to be fulfilled. He hadn't done this in so long, it seemed like ... hadn't actually enjoyed it for so much longer.
He kissed Klaha one last time, and held Klaha's body against his tightly, leaning down into him. "Be ready," he said softly.
"H-Hai," Klaha managed, burning not only with anticipation, but also with slight fear.
With that, Gackt began to slide into him. He moved slowly at first, so that Klaha's muscles could stretch and become accustomed to this new feeling. But Klaha's body didn't know how to take it at first. The moment that Gackt began to gently push himself inward, Klaha let out a soft, agonized gasp. A second passed, and then, "Ahhhhh!" he screamed suddenly, and his fingers tightened painfully on Gackt's shoulders, his arms around Gackt's neck. Gackt kissed Klaha's neck faintly, licking at the skin gently in order to console him, while Klaha's weakness proved itself. Klaha struggled not to faint, as the excruciating pain overtook him. "G-Gackt," his voice moaned in Gackt's ear, whimpering.
"Remember," Gackt responded now, barely audibly, hating the idea of hurting him.
But he continued, still slowly, entering Klaha more and more until he was almost completely inside him. Gackt buried his face in Klaha's neck, kissing his skin again, softly nuzzling against him as he stifled his own gasps. He could feel Klaha wince against him, and he murmured, "Try to relax. It'll hurt less ..."
Meanwhile, Klaha felt a strange and appalling mix of pleasure and pain. In the beginning, he had felt shock, from the sheer sensation of Gackt entering him, and then the pain had begun, for Gackt was indeed forcing him apart. His muscles had never had to separate like this before, and an aching pain had immediately sprung up, a ripping pain that was sudden and vivid enough to cause tears to spring to his eyes and his mouth to fall slightly open. But he wasn't about to tell Gackt to stop. He wanted this, and he tolerated the pain, knowing that he was with Gackt. He only hoped that soon, pleasure would come and would make it easier to hold on.
Then, Gackt started to pull out, which elicited a tormented gasp from Klaha's mouth. A new surge of pain overtook him, even though it was this strange pain. His hips trembled slightly, and he let out a small shuddering cry. "Oh!" His fingers were shaking as they clutched Gackt's shoulders down against him. Gackt remained where he was for a moment, oddly still, as they both grasped each other and breathed heavily.
"Gackt," Klaha whispered again.
Gackt suddenly sensed an odd tone in Klaha's voice that he had never heard before, and he felt Klaha's fingers entangle themselves in his hair. He turned his head slightly to look at him. Klaha's head was back against the pillows, his eyes wide and expressing pain along with something else. He was gasping slowly, very quietly, apparently getting used to this, but his eyes were full of tears.
"Klaha," Gackt managed, blinking, almost panicked. Instantly he reached up and put his hand on Klaha's cheek, moving his face so that their lips were inches apart. He hated to see Klaha's pain. He'd known that maybe this would be too sudden. "G-Gomen ...!"
"I'm ... I'm fine," Klaha managed, staring into his eyes, trying to quell his own fear. "Don't stop ..."
Though Gackt wanted to make sure that Klaha was all right before continuing, he had no real choice but to trust in Klaha's words. Therefore, he obeyed his uke fragilely, as he finished slowly pulling himself out of Klaha's body.
These gradual movements also evoked muffled gasps from Klaha, which Klaha now seemed to be trying to stifle so that Gackt would not hear and grow worried for him. Apparently this was causing him pain, as it was supposed to, but probably more than even Gackt could remember feeling when it was his first time. Just before Gackt exited Klaha completely, he paused, then began to push himself back inside, rhythmically. Take it slow at first, and then speed up.
But when Gackt glanced down at Klaha's face, he saw a tear suddenly sliding down the other boy's cheek, and he silently worried to himself ...
Soon the pain seemed to fade into the background for Klaha, for his hands relaxed on Gackt's back once more, and when the third round or so came along, a moan of passion even escaped from his lips. He was enjoying it, and spread his legs a bit wider.
"Hold on to me," Gackt whispered to Klaha now.
"D-Don't stop," Klaha moaned again.
Gackt stole Klaha's lips and kissed him suddenly as he began to quicken his pace. Klaha had heard him, for he wrapped his arms a bit more securely around Gackt's waist and back, holding him down against him as they kissed. Gackt slid in and out of Klaha, and Klaha began to heave his hips, meeting Gackt's thrusts at the same pace, gasping slightly when the feelings became especially strong. The insides of Klaha's smooth thighs slid along Gackt's equally soft skin.
Gackt had done this so many times before, but yet, it felt so different this time. The pleasure that he felt as he claimed Klaha was much more gratifying than he had ever felt it before. Gackt knew the way that he usually had sex, even though he wasn't exactly at liberty to observe himself as he did it: he usually tried to be silent in bed, rarely allowing his voice to rise in passion even though his body was unwillingly taken by an orgasm, knowing that once it was over he would never see his partner again. Knowing that some money would be thrown next to him and a door would be closed, and he would be left to sit there trembling, alone, until he could go out and find someone else. He was silent through the entire ordeal, or at least as silent as he could make himself be. But now, Gackt couldn't help but hear his own voice gasping and whimpering softly along with Klaha's, out of his control. The feeling of Klaha surrounding him, the sweet taste of Klaha's mouth as they fervently kissed, the feeling of Klaha's hands sliding up his back and stroking his hair---these were all utterly consuming to him, and he felt unable to resist against the pleasure building up inside him.
In fact, Gackt's stimulation was so great during all of this that he felt himself quickly coming to climax. He had sex so often that he was usually difficult to please, and sometimes he wouldn't hit his peak at all, because his self-concerned partner would reach orgasm and then would just leave. This time, the ever-increasing, aching pleasure in Gackt's abdomen and lower regions was impossible to restrain. He'd never felt such elation so quickly before, and he began to tremble and gasp, his vision blurring.
But fortunately, it didn't seem too short for either of them. For Klaha, it felt like forever.
This sensation was so foreign to him. He'd never been able to understand how a body could receive physical gratification from this act, but now, every time Gackt thrust into him, there was a certain part of him that was hit, and every time it was hit it sent waves of pleasure throughout his entire body that drowned out the pain. In the past when Klaha had thought, dreamt, about sex, he had imagined being with girls, never being the submissive in the relationship himself. He'd never felt possessed like this before, TAKEN, as he was by Gackt. The mere notion of having Gackt inside him, exploring him, was enough to double the pace of his heartbeat.
This throbbing, consuming feeling that he felt, over and over again, was enough to make him see stars. His hips moved without him consciously knowing it, just trying to meet those thrusts and gain more pleasure from them, as sensitive areas were hit and more emotion provoked.
They both reached climax at the same time.
When Gackt could feel a stirring that he couldn't ignore, causing his breath to catch slightly, he managed to break the kiss with Klaha and pant in his ear, "Klaha ... I'm going to ..." He wanted to ask him for his permission to continue, wanted to know whether Klaha wanted him to exit before he hit his peak, but he couldn't find the strength to speak the words, and it seemed as though Klaha knew what he wanted to say.
In response, Klaha clutched him more tightly, his arms surrounding Gackt's back to hold the other boy on top of him, grinding his hips against his a bit quicker, as he gasped.
"Aishiteru ... Gackt ... Onegai ... Aishiteru ..."
Gackt almost lost the rhythm, almost stopped what he was doing to stare down at Klaha. But Klaha's eyes were tightly closed, his expression displaying his ecstasy, as he heaved up against him. Therefore, though he was shocked, Gackt sank back into pleasure, gripping his partner.
Both of them were submerged in a wave of ecstasy, causing them to tremble against each other. They all of a sudden stopped thrusting, just pressed against each other for the deepest penetration possible. Klaha's muscles contracted around Gackt, and Gackt's passion was unleashed inside him, as the two held onto each other, no longer kissing, as simultaneous moans softly escalated out of them.
"G-Gackt ...!"
"Klaha ..."
And then, it was over. Exhausted, Gackt collapsed gently on top of Klaha, laying his head upon his shoulder, his breath rolling in and out of him softly. At the same time, Klaha embraced Gackt against him, breathing heavily, small noises coming out of him as his vision took focus again, and the intense passion ebbed away.
The last shudders of pleasure claimed Klaha's body, beneath Gackt. Therefore, still inside of Klaha's body, Gackt pulled Klaha into his arms, even as Klaha trembled violently, attempting to hold him in return. They remained like that, with Gackt carefully on top of Klaha, lingering inside him. Gackt gently cradled Klaha, and after a moment or two, Klaha reached up and touched his face, kissing him on the lips. "Gackt ..."
"Shh." Gackt smiled a tiny bit, serenely, and stroked his hair. Klaha's fast breathing slowly began to turn steady again, and his heart calmed itself.
For a little while, they lay there like that. Then, Gackt whispered, "Thank you."
Klaha gazed at him weakly, his long eyelashes fluttering. "For what?"
"For letting me." This was said lightly, simply.
Klaha summed up the strength to lift his head again, and kissed Gackt's lips. He tried to hold the kiss for even longer than before, but both of them had to stop for lack of air, now that they were both so short of breath. "You don't need to thank me," Klaha responded softly, almost smiling. "I should thank you ..."
Gackt smiled back, again. This was more than he'd smiled in so long. No more disturbing thoughts were in his mind now: they were all banished. Gackt was still inside of Klaha's body, though he was laying on top of him, and now he decided to pull out. Slowly, carefully, he exited. Klaha's muscles had almost returned to their normal state, so it was a bit difficult for Gackt to withdraw himself at first. He moved slowly, but as he did, he heard another sudden gasp come out of Klaha, and he looked up to see a slight expression of pain on the other boy's face.
"G-Gomen!" Gackt swallowed, to think that Klaha was still hurting.
And then, Gackt glanced down, as he hoisted himself off of Klaha and sat down on the bed to his left. Because their movements had been so rapid, the white sheets and dark comforter had been kicked back slightly before, and now when Gackt moved, it was even easier to see farther down on the bed. Gackt's eyes met with a stark, shocking sight: there was now a large, rich crimson stain ruining the white sheets, and there was more blood smeared on Klaha's thighs.
Gackt opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. He looked at Klaha, and saw that the other boy had followed the direction of his gaze.
At first, fear seemed to come into Klaha's eyes, but only at the sight of his own blood. When he remembered everything fully again, the fear faded away, and there was only slight pain, along with weariness, which was temporarily dominant. However, he reached over and pulled Gackt closer to him again, shaking his head, though his hips trembled with every movement. "It's nothing ..."
"Klaha," Gackt said, his voice trembling also, gazing down into his face. "Gomen ..."
"Don't," Klaha murmured again.
"But you're hurt." Gackt swallowed now, his shoulders shaking very slightly. He couldn't help it. Even he himself hadn't bled this much when he'd been taken for the first time. Gackt had bled a lot over the last couple of years, but there was something different about the knowledge that he'd forced someone else to bleed---someone who meant so much to him, who he'd caused this pain for. Shaking his head, he slid his arms around Klaha, trying to dispel his own shock lest he upset him. He managed, "I just ... I didn't know that you would bleed so much. It didn't happen like that when I ..."
"I'm fine."
"You should have told me," he whispered now. "If you'd told me, then ... I would have stopped ..."
"But I didn't want you to stop." Klaha kissed his cheek.
"I know, but I hurt you!" Gackt shook his head. "I would have slowed down, at least, if you'd ..."
Klaha pushed down any lingering pain, flexing his hips very carefully though he winced a bit. He tried to smile at Gackt to reassure him. He kissed him, saying, "Trust me ... I'm all right."
They lay together for a short time afterwards, still, as the blinds on the window showed that it was starting to get darker outside now. The room was slightly shadowed now, and the passing lights from outside that streamed across the walls played tricks on their eyes. They were both exhausted, having completely given all of their strength, and now the satisfaction left them pleasantly tired. With their arms around each other, they breathed slowly and evenly, their heads touching, their hair mingling. Both of them were growing sleepy, as though they would soon drift off. But before Klaha's eyes could close, Gackt murmured, "Klaha ..."
"Hai?"
"Hounto ni?"
Klaha blinked, dazedly, weakly. "Nani?"
Gackt's voice was very soft, and muffled, when he spoke next. Klaha realized that Gackt was fighting tears to say the words. Gackt said quietly, "You ... You told me that you loved me." His heart pounded to think that someone, that anyone, had finally told him what he'd been waiting his entire life to hear. "Do you?"
Klaha swallowed, and kissed Gackt's forehead. "Hai," he said shyly.
Gackt suddenly hugged Klaha more fiercely than ever before. It was such a hug that Klaha nearly passed out, because the breath was forced out of his lungs by Gackt's suddenly strong arms. Gackt clutched Klaha against his chest protectively, needing him, his hands in Klaha's hair, pushing Klaha's head against his cheek. Tears flowed from Gackt's eyes and moistened Klaha's face. Gackt was trembling as he held Klaha, so tightly. "K-Klaha ..."
Klaha heard the choked whisper and swallowed, as tears came to his own eyes. He managed to pull weakly back a little, so that his hands could reach Gackt's face. Gazing into Gackt's eyes, he used his fingertips and thumbs to gently brush the tears from Gackt's cheeks, then pulled Gackt closer against him again, even more softly. "Aishiteru, Gackt ... Hounto ... Aishiteru. I'll always love you, no matter what happens. I promise. I've never felt this way before, about anyone. You mean so much to me ... I'll never hurt you ..."
Gackt whispered, "Aishiteru, Klaha," and began to cry.
Klaha felt a flood of warmth stretch everywhere inside of him, a flood of happiness and utter relief. He kissed Gackt's cheeks, his nose, his forehead, even his eyelids, and moved up on the bed so that he was now the one whose head was above Gackt's. Gackt had collapsed against him, on top of his chest, and was crying into his shoulder.
Klaha stroked his hair. "Onegai, Gaku-chan," he begged softly, his eyebrows furrowing. He kissed Gackt's hair. "Don't cry ..."
Gackt only shook his head, biting back a sob, as the tears continued to flow and the sobs continued to wrack his thin frame. He had waited so long to feel as though he was worth anything, so long to feel as though someone could actually care about him, that now that the time came, he couldn't stop himself from letting his emotions overflow. He clung to Klaha as though the other boy might be stolen from him, and as though the chance might be gone before he had the time to enjoy it.
Klaha almost felt worried for him, even as his heart swelled with love. He held Gackt tightly, wishing only that he could stop his tears somehow. Letting his fingertips gently caress Gackt's spine, rubbing slowly up and down, he whispered, "What can I do?" meaning, how can I help you to stop crying?
As one last shudder passed through Gackt's body, Gackt tilted his tear-streaked face up to look at Klaha. His eyes were half-closed, his moist lashes heavily guarding them.
"Nothing," he whispered, his voice shaking. "You've done everything. But ... please ... just kiss me ..."
Klaha was all too happy to respond.
They fell asleep in the same place that evening, still laying in each others' arms.
NOTES~They are finally together. Did you enjoy it? Talk to me! If I hear from you, then I'll see you in the next chapter.
Glossary
gomen (nasai): I'm sorry
hai: yes
(domo) arigato: thank you
nani: what
un: sort of like "mm-hmm"
daijoubu: it's all right
aishiteru: I love you
onegai: please
honto (ni): really
To Be Continued
To the next part