Part VI: Acceptance
Author: Scarlet Kozi
To my puzzlement and initial relief, Mana didn't reach for the whip. However, he came over to my limp form and took ahold of my arms without saying another word, handling me like a rag doll. He started to pull me, and I helplessly tried to support myself as Mana hauled me off the bed and onto my feet. I was a bit unsteady at first, still feeling pain, but Mana caught me and shoved me to a balanced position. I got the impression that if I fell down, or sank to my knees, he would hit me, so I concentrated until my vision cleared.
Mana apparently needed help, so Yu~ki started to come over, dragging K�zi with him. But K�zi refused to come. He tried to pull away, shaking his head stubbornly, sniffling, and Yu~ki quickly became fed up with him.
"You're so useless!" he snapped at him, and slapped him across the face.
Dizzily, K�zi sank to his knees, which was where Yu~ki abandoned him. I was still surprised, as I was every time I saw them treat K�zi like they were treating me. I would have thought that he would have had more status, but then, I didn't know that status in the band didn't have anything to do with roles in these endless games. K�zi merely sat there, on the ground, trying to wipe his eyes as he stared at me.
Yu~ki and Mana didn't even look into my eyes though I searched for their gazes. I wanted to ask them what they were doing now. They pulled me along, Mana holding one of my arms and Yu~ki another. They took me across the floor and away from the bed, to one of the walls that by now I had even forgotten had existed.
I took a minute to stare at it as I was dragged over to it.
It was the wall with that odd bondage device I'd seen earlier, with all the hooks, and the chains, which hung from it both higher up and lower down on the wall, so that someone could be confined there. I wondered briefly, my mind gone, how the three of them could have installed that thing into the wall of the basement� Had they done it all by themselves?
They shoved me over to the wall. Mana reached up and grabbed ahold of the chains, while Yu~ki pushed me down on my knees. I was now in a position so that I was facing them, sitting a few inches in front of the wall with my back to it.
"Right wrist," Mana said.
Yu~ki took ahold of my arm again and held up my wrist, while I stared dumbly at them, unable to respond. Meanwhile, Mana took down one of the long rough chains in particular, and demonstrated that there was a heavy silver manacle attached to the end of it. He clasped the manacle around my wrist, locking it there, and I instantly shivered and pulled my wrist away to feel the coldness of the metal against my skin. But it was already too late. The manacle was there, and the chain was taut enough to make come off my knees a little bit.
"Left wrist."
Yu~ki now reached down and grabbed my left wrist, offering it to Mana, and Mana took another parallel chain to shackle that too. I was still kneeling, but I couldn't completely relax because the chains kept me partially suspended. I squirmed my body, pulling at the chains helplessly, but I couldn't lower my arms. The two of them watched me fidget, smiling with delight.
"Just look at him!" Yu~ki giggled from behind his hand.
Mana's smile was the most wide, atypically. "He looks wonderful like that, ne?" he sneered tauntingly.
I stared up at them wordlessly. I couldn't find anything to say. I wanted to cry out to them and beg them to release me, but that was no use. I was completely defenseless now that I was restrained here, chained and on my knees.
Mana paused, studying me now, and he gave one last command. "Neck," he said, drawing out the word.
I blinked quickly. My collar! Yu~ki directed my face up at him, with his hand upon my head. Mana reached for the final chain high above. At the end of this one was a mere hook that locked shut, and Mana took the end of the chain that was already hooked to my collar. These two he connected solidly, even as I gazed at him with wide moist eyes.
I brought my chained hand to my neck, touching the collar and then my wrists in utter astonishment. Again, starting to feel afraid, I tried to move, but I found that with my throat and wrists restrained, there really weren't too many places for me to go.
The two of them were gazing at me relentlessly. Why wouldn't they just look away? I wanted to hide my face, and the tears I couldn't wipe away, but it was no use either.
Mana glanced over his shoulder. "Go get K�zi-chan."
Yu~ki nodded. "Hai."
As I watched uncertainly, Yu~ki walked around me to go back towards the bed. K�zi was still kneeling there on the floor, trembling a bit, but his face had been schooled into careful blankness, because he didn't want to get into more trouble. Now Yu~ki grabbed his arms and pulled him to his feet, dragging him over to us, and K�zi did little to resist this time.
"I'll take him." Mana took K�zi from Yu~ki's arms and brought him over to the wall. Between me and the door, there was just one chain attached to a spike in the wall. Mana took that chain�
And before I knew it, K�zi was chained, too. But they trusted him more than they trusted me. They knew that K�zi had been with them so long that he would never try to run away at this point, whereas I was still struggling and searching for a way out. Thus, K�zi was only chained by his wrist, just so that he couldn't try to stop them.
Mana tapped his head as though he was a dog. "There," he scolded. "If you'd behaved better, then I wouldn't have to chain you. Now you have to stay here until we need you again, ne?"
K�zi looked down. "Hai, Mana-sama." He looked like he wanted to bite him.
Mana came back over, and he and Yu~ki studied me again. Once again, Mana reached down and smoothed his vinyl skirt back down over his thighs modestly, and he carelessly folded his arms in an elegant position. His heavily-lashed eyes were aglow with his satisfaction at seeing me so well-confined. Yu~ki was on his side, his eyes scanning me up and down.
I was ashamed, and immediately I looked down, gazing at the floor, biting my lip. "W-What did I do wrong?" I whispered. "I didn't say anything�"
"That's just it," Yu~ki told me heartlessly, with an expressionless voice. "You said nothing. You didn't thank Mana for fucking you. And you didn't thank me, either."
I stared at them. "Thank you?" I repeated softly.
The two of them slowly raised one eyebrow at the same time. Mana haughtily answered this question. "I went over this before, didn't I? You should consider every bit of attention we pay you a gift. You should feel lucky that we want you, that we go to all this trouble to make sure that you stay with us. That's the way you are supposed to think, dorei-chan. You are our slave, and you should be thanking us."
I only shook my head, dazed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! "I'm� supposed to thank you," I repeated quietly now, somehow finding strength in my voice even when I was wincing from pain and fear and anger. "Thank you for that�? Never. This is depraved. I can't believe what you've already done to me. You� expect me to thank you� for blackmailing me into sex, just so that I can join your band. You don't have any right to hurt me like this�"
Mana was staring at me with wide, furious eyes. "How dare you?" he hissed.
Yu~ki frowned indignantly. "You need a lot more training, it looks like to me!"
Without listening to this, or even looking at either Yu~ki or K�zi somewhat near me, Mana stalked forward toward me. His blonde curls were bouncing with his anger. His features were all a blur to me as he stopped just in front of me, and he slapped me hard across the face.
The chains rattled loudly as I slid slightly to the side, staggering on my knees, but when I recovered myself I just glared up at Mana with defiance again. I wasn't about to let myself succumb to him like this, not again. I faced my so-called master with a frightened and yet rebellious gleam in my eyes, through my pain and my ache, and somehow I refused to look away even though I felt my eyelashes trembling.
Mana almost grew excited by my disobedience, so angry had he become. He slapped me again, harder, this time striking the other cheek.
"O-Oh!" I gasped this time, wincing, forced in the other direction.
Mana swallowed, and composed himself temporarily. "You will learn," he said lightly, arrogantly, and then pointedly drew out the next phrase to remind me of who I was and where I stood, "dorei-chan� You will have to learn. You have no way out of this, and we won't let you go, so your only choice is to teach yourself to obey us. We'll do this, again and again and again, until you come to your senses and willingly give yourself to us as our slave."
"I can never do that�" I murmured.
Mana hit me even harder this time, up near my eye. I heard K�zi gasp as I stumbled back onto my heels, stunned. That last one had more force than any of the other blows combined. I would have tumbled down onto the floor, but the chains kept me from doing so. The chain holding the collar tighter around my neck started to choke me as I leaned back too far, and tears sprung to my eyes as I jerkily lifted my hand to the side of my face.
"You will," Mana retorted slowly, standing over me.
I felt a trickle of blood flowing down from beneath my temples, where Mana's fist made contact with my skin. Then the stinging pain of the slaps flooded into my cheeks. I wanted to start crying, but could I let myself do that? It was as though this was all coming to me at once. So this was how they subdued people? With pain, with sex, with domination?
"You know you want this, dorei-chan. You know you want to be in the band� and this is the only way that you can become one of us." Mana reached out and buried his hand in my hair, with no gentleness, and I had no strength to pull away. "You'll get used to all the pain. You'll even start to want the pain. Tetsu and Gakuto did. Over time they enjoyed being our belongings, our pets� they enjoyed being whipped and possessed and taken, relentlessly and without mercy� it excited them so much that they started making mistakes on purpose during practice, knowing that their errors would require this kind of 'punishment' from us later� and you will come to enjoy it also."
I gazed up at him, my eyes wide.
Mana looked down at me for a moment, then noticed something and smiled spitefully again. "Look at that. You're already starting to enjoy it! Even though it hurts, it turns you on too, doesn't it, my little dorei-chan?" he purred, indicating my recently-renewed erection. "My little sex toy� my slave� dorei-chan�"
He crouched down slightly and kissed me on the lips. I didn't move. When he was finished with me, he stood up again, then remembered something suddenly, and the smile slid off of his face. "But I've forgotten the entire purpose of this lecture! Dorei-chan, show me that you've been paying attention to me."
This command was lost on me. He was expecting something from me, I could tell that. But I didn't realize that the reason for his aggravation was that, even after being beaten, I still hadn't thanked them� still hadn�t shown utter inferiority.
Mana frowned. He and Yu~ki turned towards me with their hands on their hips or their arms folded. Their eyes were cold as they looked me over, their eyebrows raised, and their dissatisfaction and fierce disapproval were evident. Mana, being the leader, voiced their thoughts.
"Don't make us wait!"
In the back of my mind, I knew that they wanted me to apologize and beg for their forgiveness, to plead that I was nothing but a simple-minded fool and that I was not worth their love, would they please still take me back. But for the time being, I couldn't make myself do it. My mind was numb. My entire body had been abused time and time again, and my heard only told me that more was coming. More torture would face me. I may have sunk down onto the ground any moment if not for the chains confining me.
I heard a small sound, and dully turned my head to the side. K�zi was gazing at me, frowning almost pleadingly, as though telling me, �Just say it. Tell them what they want.� But I just couldn't listen to him, couldn't save myself as he wanted me to.
Mana hissed slightly again. "You should know better!" His expression had already turned dangerous. Mercilessly, he flicked a wrist.
Yu~ki smiled a bit in anticipation. "I'll be right back."
We all waited for a moment, as Mana stared piercingly at me, and as I felt K�zi's eyes on me. I watched Yu~ki disappear into the darkness. He vanished for several long seconds, until he appeared behind a lit candelabrum so that his form was illuminated again. I didn't know what was going on. Yu~ki saw that I was watching him, and he smirked at me while he worked. He reached out and carefully plucked one of the long, tall black candles from the many holders, making sure not to burn himself. A tiny glow of light thus followed him as he walked back, with the candle, returning to us.
His eyes remained on the golden flame burning atop the candle, as he held it out to Mana. As the leader, Mana accepted it, as Yu~ki resumed his place. Mana kissed him on the cheek and said graciously, "Arigato."
Yu~ki nodded and did the same, but with more mischief in his eyes.
Mana came forward with the candle, his gaze intently focused on me. He held it in one hand, and with his other he reached down and violently braced my shoulder all of a sudden, pushing me back steadily against the wall. He knelt also, level to me. When he met my eyes he held them there perilously, staring into them, refusing to let me look away.
But when the candle approached, I broke out of my trance and glanced down at it. With shock I wondered why Mana was bringing it so close to me, and I looked over quickly to see if K�zi could provide any answers. But K�zi had closed his eyes tightly and was looking away, biting his lip, as though he couldn't bear to watch.
Then Mana tilted the candle. Drops of scalding candle wax suddenly splashed onto my skin. The little black pools dripped onto the flesh of my shoulder, not the one that had bleeding teeth marks, but the one that had been flawless up until now. I cried out, my eyes flying open, because it was so hot that it was almost cold. I would have backed up, but I was already against the wall. I pulled at my chains, but they were strong and held me exactly where Mana wanted me.
Mana tilted his head. "Need I continue?"
He should have known that I was not so stupid. These repeated warnings were no more effective on me than the first, and although I was definitely not unintelligent, for the time being I was too foolish to realize that the only way out of this pain was to give myself to them. I only stared at him, wincing.
Mana shook his head and clicked his tongue. "Poor, silly little dorei-chan. You bring this on yourself."
With that, he dripped more hot wax onto my skin, and my breath gasped inward. "O-Onegai!"
He ignored my plea, a little smile coming onto his features as he gazed at the cooling little drops of blackness on my white skin. "Daijoubu, dorei-chan. Tetsu was much more rebellious than you are at first, and Gakuto was a bit slower about learning these things too."
This time he splashed the fiery wax on my ribs. I cried out. Though I knew perfectly well what I had done wrong, my hope was quickly disappearing and I prayed that he would take pity on me if I thought that I was stupid instead of defiant. "What did I do wrong?" I begged him.
Mana apparently saw through my half-fa�ade, and I could see it in his smile, even though he rather courteously played along a little bit. "I can't tell you that this time. You have to learn it on your own." He frowned contemptuously now. "And in case you've forgotten, you are to address me by my name, as your master, every time you speak to me! Any less will be considered insubordination."
His eyes traveled to the side, where my slightly crooked arm was being held up in half-suspension by the chains. He got an idea. I could see the sparkle in his eye. He moved his hand from my shoulder to my forearm, holding the limb steady as he brought the candle closer. I started to back away, but not in time. Mana had already taken the candle and turned it horizontally over my bicep, so that three more drops of hot pitch blackness splattered onto my skin.
I squirmed in pain, shocked, and tried to pull my arm away. "Please� Mana-sama�"
At last I gave up all hope of escaping this. Defiance obviously wouldn't get me anywhere. I no longer cared about my pride. It was long gone by now. They had stolen it from me. I knew that all of this had been happening to me for a reason, and that reason was my dream, my need, to come true, and for me to be accepted into Malice Mizer as I had desperately wished for so long. I knew that even though Mana and Yu~ki were angry with my insolence and my refusal to obey them as their slave, they were leaning closer and closer to accepting me. I no longer cared about how perverted all of this was, how forbidden, even now, though my heart was still racing with terror. I had to push that aside if I wanted to survive.
Therefore, I watched Mana. He released me and stood up, putting his hand on his hip again, and he stared down at me with a cold expectant expression as he held the candle. It was as though he was threatening me now, to get it right this time, or pay the price. "Well?"
I could hardly stand to look at him. Even in fury, his beauty was so overpowering� and I had admired him for so long now.
My eyelashes fluttered slightly as I caught my breath. My pride was gone, but my fear was still there. I knew that they wouldn't kill me, but then, I really had no guarantee when I considered how they'd been acting. They'd hurt me, they were hurting me even now. And even though I was afraid of them, I wanted to be as great, as admirable, as they had become. I needed to join Malice Mizer. I almost wanted to feel their touch, in whatever form, because I loved them. I needed to become one of them. I weakly decided that I had to do this, to show my obedience, to succumb to them�
"Klaha," I heard K�zi whisper. I felt a feather-light touch on my arm, and glanced down first to see his fingers brushing against my skin. He had to stretch his whole body to even reach me. Before I could look up and see his face, Mana suddenly slapped his hand away from me.
"Don't touch him," Mana ordered him, frowning. "And don't speak."
K�zi closed his mouth, apparently smoldering inside. I stared at him for a long moment, then at Mana. If I was going to give myself to them, then I would become another K�zi� I would be treated just like that. But for some reason, I couldn't let myself think of that now. I knew that I had to give in.
And I did.
I sank even lower again, as far down on my knees as the chains would let me go. I knelt in front of Mana, bleeding and battered. I bowed my head, as some hair fell in front of my face and shielded one eye, and as a tear flowed down my cheek and mingled with the blood that was starting to dry there. Reaching out and causing the chains to clatter, I hesitantly took hold of Mana's right thigh, which was crossed over his left in front of my face. I made sure that my touch was completely humble and gentle. Then I leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against Mana's thigh once, before clutching onto him like a lost child and leaning my cheek against him, as tears streamed down my face.
I didn't mean to, but I whispered when I spoke. "G-Gomen nasai� I've behaved horribly, and I've insulted you so much that I feel� ashamed of myself. Your offer to me is more generous than I realized. I should be grateful to you� I shouldn't have been so stupid, and I should have realized that all of this is my privilege, more than it is my punishment. I want to be a good slave� I want to� to please you� Domo arigato, Mana-sama, Yu~ki-sama, for� for being so kind to me."
There was a brief silence. I squeezed my eyes shut. My words were genuinely spoken. I didn't know that they were true before I said them, but if they had been lies, Mana and Yu~ki would have known.
Immediately Mana's slender eyebrows drew up in an expression of surprise. Even he, with his dominatrix pose, clearly wasn't expecting this. He almost looked as though his fingers were about to loosen and drop the candle. His eyes met Yu~ki's and the two of them stared at each other in mild shock for a few moments. However, then a tiny smile lit up Mana's features, and he turned his eyes back down onto me.
Giving the candle to Yu~ki, he slowly leaned down and kissed the top of my head. I blinked, sniffling. There was desire there, but he wasn't hurting me.
Mana put his hand on my hair, allowing me to lean on him, and he turned my face up. He only leaned down for a few moments to kiss me briefly on the lips. Was this my reward? Even when Mana had raped me and I'd been sobbing, he hadn't been as lenient as he was now, suddenly, when silent tears fell from my eyes. "Very good, dorei-chan. You know, I'm almost proud of you."
I swallowed and cast my eyes down again, looking through the millions of prismatic fractions caused by my tears. When he was being nice to me, I didn't know what to think. Even when it SEEMED like he was being nice, I should say, I could see hardness in his eyes. "A-Arigato, Mana-sama," I said softly.
Mana knelt down and pulled me against him, embracing me against his shoulder. All I wanted was to be held right now, but� not like this. I kept myself back and knew to humbly remain there, sniffling to myself. I didn't want to risk myself by saying anything else stupid. I seemed as though every wrong move could land me in danger here. Once again, just like before, the danger seemed just a bit less, and the memory of pain faded into the background. "I knew you would learn eventually," Mana said.
I merely nodded and swallowed down my shame. I was supposed to answer him every time he spoke to me. "Hai, Mana-sama."
Mana glanced up over his shoulder at Yu~ki with a little smile of pleasure on his face. "Now he's doing much better than I expected," he said to him in his usual quiet voice, as though I wasn't there at all, or as though I was a child and too stupid to hear him or understand him. "It took Gakuto far longer than this to succumb. Don't you think, then, that we should reward our dorei-chan for his good behavior?" he asked, his smile widening as he petted my hair like I was a dog.
Yu~ki nodded. "Absolutely." His smile betrayed that he wanted to enjoy my reward more than he wanted me to enjoy it.
Mana looked down at me. "You see, this is how it works, my darling." Mocking me again. "When you disobey us and offend us by pushing us away or trying to leave, we will hurt you and prove to you that you're wrong. That is how you learn, and when you lean, you obey us and show your love for us. We reward you in such a way that you'll beg for more every time we bring you pleasure, and bringing you pleasure is how we reward you. Trust me, dorei-chan. You will beg for more."
I gazed at him and nodded, remembering to respond. "Hai, Mana-sama."
"Just because you're doing so well," he said now, telling me what he had discussed with Yu~ki, "we'll give you a treat."
I blinked away my tears, puzzled. "A� A treat, Mana-sama?" I repeated hesitantly.
"Hai." Slowly, almost reluctantly, Mana released me and went to Yu~ki. Yu~ki put the candle back on one of the nearby candelabrums, and then went and released K�zi, since he had been mostly behaving well while Mana burned me. Now, Yu~ki harshly whispered some command in K�zi's ear, and K�zi nodded once and came to sit down in front of me, to guard me or stand watch over me.
Mana and Yu~ki went away together, into the shadows, to search for something. As the two disappeared momentarily, I wiped away my tears with shaking fingers and took a long breath. Then I looked up hesitantly at K�zi.
He was sitting there, a few inches in front of me, and when he saw that I was looking at him hesitantly or almost fearfully, he quickly crossed his legs in front of his body to hide himself, like before. He sat silently, trying to find the words, and then he reached out, gazing into my eyes. He brushed his thumb along my cheek, and I felt ashamed of myself. What I must have looked like to him� a pathetic bleeding mess, chained to the wall� And yet, I suddenly saw something in his eyes that shocked me: stark anguish. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
But at that moment, Mana and Yu~ki reappeared.
Mana frowned down at K�zi angrily, having barely overheard his last statement to me, and he put a hand to the back of K�zi's neck and forced K�zi to look up at him. "K�zi-chan! Did I just hear what I thought I did?"
K�zi flinched, apparently timid now. He gazed up at Mana with wide eyes, flickering back to look at me occasionally, while he tried to think of something to say to save himself. He knew that he wasn't supposed to speak to me or even touch me, that during this session, he was only here to help train me, but now he had been caught. He looked away quickly, biting hard on his lip. "G-Gomen nasai, Mana-sama."
Mana sighed in irritation. "What did you and I talk about yesterday? I told you that he'll never learn anything if you do that!" He sounded furious.
I had no idea what he was talking about. Apparently the two of them had discussed something before tonight had even begun, but I didn't try to figure it out. Mana seemed so upset that I almost began to feel nervous, knowing that Mana wouldn't hesitate to punish K�zi, and even more brutally than I'd been punished, since K�zi had been their slave for years and should have known these things. Something inside me gave a pull and I overcame my own fears to come to K�zi's rescue.
I couldn't bow, because of the chains, but I lowered my head nonetheless and turned myself to face Mana hastily. "It was my fault, Mana-sama. Please, don't blame him. He only wanted to make me feel better, because he saw that I was� upset. I can tell that his need to comfort me is a sign of how he wants for me to join him and become your slave also, so please let me treasure that one of you, any of you, respects me so much." I cast my eyes down too.
Mana blinked at me, surprised. Again he looked at Yu~ki. "Fast learner, isn't he?" he murmured to him, who nodded in mild astonishment.
At this point, Mana released K�zi and nodded, apparently taking my word for it. He knew that my feeling upset was no reason for K�zi to try to make me feel better, because they were supposed to punish me and make me feel all sorts of emotional discomfort. But he was impressed simply by the way I tried to defend K�zi from him, and he was proud that I accepted myself as a slave.
I glanced over briefly at K�zi and saw him staring at me with wide eyes. He looked shocked that I would possibly defend him, and then, I could have sworn that I saw tears beginning to form there. But my eyes were drawn back to Mana and Yu~ki.
Finally, I recognized what the two of them brought with them. Mana held a small bottle of honey in his hand, whereas Yu~ki held a bottle of equal size that was almost identical, save for the fact that it contained chocolate syrup. The two of them had almost sinister, hungry little smiles on their faces, and at last K�zi also noted what they had brought. He had recovered himself easily and looked cool and blank again. Mana and Yu~ki exchanged looks again, as they seemed wont to do, and I gazed at them in confusion.
"This is a treat for us too," Yu~ki admitted at last, slyly. "But trust me, you'll enjoy it. This was always one of Gakuto's favorite treats, anyway."
I felt nervous. I could only stare at the floor.
Mana came over to me first and easily lowered himself onto the floor, so that he was half-sitting and half-crouching for easier mobility. "Since this is a treat and not a punishment," he said, glancing at me once, "it won't hurt. Or, probably not. Unless, of course, you're like Gakuto, and you WANT it to hurt�?"
I hastily shook my head. "No, Mana-sama!"
"All right. This time, then, we'll do you a favor." Mana glanced at Yu~ki, who got the message and came over. He also lowered himself, to Mana's right, so that the two of them were down in front of me. I was only slightly elevated above them due to my chains, but as though in compliance, I felt myself sinking lower. I feared what would happen if I made myself higher than them. Perhaps they had one of those no-one's-head-will-be-higher-than-the-queen's sort of complex. Mana and Yu~ki set down the honey and the chocolate syrup, and for a moment several pairs of eyes were thoughtfully fixed on the two bottles.
Yu~ki put his chin in his hands. "Which first?"
"Hmm� Well, honey seems more appropriate for the beginning, wouldn't you think?"
Yu~ki sighed and nodded. "All right, save the best for last." He grinned. "You can begin, then."
---to be continued---
GLOSSARY
hai: yes
dorei-chan: "slave"
(domo) arigato: thank you
onegai: please
daijoubu: it's all righ
t
gomen (nasai): I'm sorry
To be continued
To the next part