Title: Initiation
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Rating: NC-17
Status: 2002
Warnings: Includes sex, kinkiness, sadomasochism, domination, pain, profanity, bondage, and so forth. Also has a bit of shounen ai.
Notes: I�ve changed it so that thoughts are now in single quotes and speech is in double quotes, which I�ve been doing with almost everything I�ve written, because to me it makes things a lot easier.
Part I: The Phone Call
Author: Scarlet Kozi
I was sitting at the table in my apartment, all by myself, the day that it all happened. I had nothing to do that day, so was casually hanging around my home in a pair of jeans and a soft shirt with the sleeves rolled up. My hair, which at the moment was slightly long, dyed black, was tucked behind my ears to keep from falling in my face. Leaning my chin on one hand as I flipped through a magazine, I sighed.
"They�re so beautiful�"
Pictures of the remaining three members of Malice Mizer took up most of this issue of Shoxx. Mana, K�zi, and Yu~ki looked so perfect all of the time. Even when I was distracted with matters of my own band, Pride of Mind, I�d observed Malice Mizer in magazines like this and was always astonished by them. Especially when I finally got around to hearing their music, and seeing their videos. They were a wonder to me.
Over time, I got to know Yu~ki by chance. Got to know him, meaning that we traded videos and spent time together occasionally, and every once in a while would go places together. But I always enjoyed it more than I knew Yu~ki did. He was somewhat quiet and shy, a little withdrawn, and since I was shy myself, it could get awkward. I only wanted Yu~ki to acknowledge me and realize how much I admired him and desired his respect. There would be times when I would turn around and see that he was staring at me intensely, almost intimidatingly, and I wouldn�t know what to say.
When I met Mana, I found that he was even less outgoing than Yu~ki. I�d heard that he could even be a bit silly in person, at times, but that was only to friends, and for a long time Mana did not consider me a friend. I was a little anxious by the standoffish way in which he treated me. Though he would sneer at me sometimes, I noticed that other times, like Yu~ki, he would be looking at me in a predatory way without saying anything, silently sizing me up with his eyes, taking notes or making mental calculations that I had no perception of. I wasn�t sure what to think about this either.
And K�zi always ignored me. Always. Even when we worked together in the studio, Mana and Yu~ki did all of the talking. I think that in all the months I�d known Malice Mizer, K�zi didn�t say more than ten words to me. He wouldn�t meet my eyes, either. It didn�t seem like he was being snobby, or cruel, but just� shy, maybe. Sometimes, like the other two, he would look at me� but then again, not like them. His eyes would be sort of timid, or embarrassed, nothing like what I would have thought considering he�d always seemed to have the greatest sense of humor and friendliness. But he would always look away instantly when I glanced at him.
Then, all of a sudden, the three of them needed a vocalist.
Why had Gackt quit in the first place, I had to wonder? I wasn�t so certain myself, even though I could have asked them if I was brave enough. Yu~ki never told me much about Gackt. But Gackt�s leaving wasn�t only sudden and shocking to the fans, it was sudden and shocking to me, too. I just assumed that it was their business. The separation was probably for the best, even though they had all really created magic together in the past.
�I�m not exactly their friend yet,� I thought to myself now, sitting in the table and staring down at the pictures. �I know that, but I think that I have something to offer them. Don�t I have a good voice? I write good lyrics� don�t I?�
Kami�s death was horribly sad, too. Even I was upset when I heard the news, and I�d never gotten to know him very well. I tried to comfort Mana, K�zi, and Yu~ki, but they barely spoke to me at all now. They didn�t want my help or my sympathy. They had their own grief to deal with, so I backed off. I could understand what pain they must have felt to lose such a close friend, and in the same years as their vocalist had left them, too� but still, I felt a bit hurt. I desperately wanted them to notice me. Even now I wanted to join Malice Mizer more than anything in the world.
Sooner or later, I started recording with them.
Yu~ki suggested casually once that I perform some auditions for him and the others, now that my own band was on the verge of breaking up. I leapt at the chance. I sang their songs for them, and at first Mana seemed a bit upset that I would dare change their material even in the slightest way to suit my own voice. But even Mana realized that I had talent, some at least, and the three of them congratulated me on my gifts. Mana and Yu~ki, actually. A little bit. They still didn�t seem to completely want to trust me.
The three of them had even begun to record tracks with me singing to their playing, and told me that I would have to change my name, Haruna, to something more mysterious, if they were going to release the material. So I did, sensing a chance. I complied to their wishes and collaborated with them to create the name Klaha. I used it now as though I was already a member, even though no one knew about me yet.
But I didn�t just want to be a stand-in, a ghost member. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted it so badly that it hurt.
�They haven�t called me in a while,� I thought, trying not to feel worried as I flicked a strand of hair from my face nervously. �Could it mean that they don�t want me?�
I shuddered at the thought. Months had passed since I�d started recording with them, and every day my hopes were growing higher and higher that they would accept me. Without my realizing it, I had weakened myself considerably and had built my whole world around Mana, K�zi, and Yu~ki. If they didn�t let me into the band, I didn�t know what I would do� It was a frightening concept, and I was almost bitter to think of how dependent on them I was.
Suddenly, I heard a beeping sound in the distance. �My answering machine?�
I�d been so immersed in my thoughts that I hadn�t even heard the phone ring. I pushed the magazine away, casting one last glance at Mana�s, K�zi�s, and Yu~ki�s faces. Beautiful, cold, white, their eyes aglow with some impossible inner light that I hoped would someday be kindled in my eyes, too. If they would only teach me how to be one of them! That was all I wanted by now. Desperately.
But for the moment, I shook my head and rose to my feet, going over to the machine. It was too late now, because the other person had already hung up the phone. Nonetheless, I wanted to hear the message, so I pushed the button.
"Ano� Kuraha. Yu~ki desu."
I stopped and looked down to hear Yu~ki�s voice. He was speaking in a lower tone than usual, and his voice was almost flat. There was no emotion in it at all. I had heard him and Mana speak like that in the past. In fact, they spoke like that most of the time, when they did speak to me at all.
"It�s a shame that we missed you� We�re waiting for you at the studio. There�s something very important that we have to discuss with you, but it�s not something to talk about over the phone. When you get back, come to the studio. The three of us are waiting. We�ll stay until five, or until you come."
Click. That was all.
Yu~ki�s voice had sounded distant as he talked, and absentminded, as though his thoughts were on another matter entirely. Almost lifeless. I almost felt unsettled again. They wanted to see me? To talk to me about something important?
My heart started to beat faster. �That can only mean�� I thought to myself. �If they can�t talk to me about it over the phone, and they want to discuss it at the studio, then it must have to do with whether they want me in the band or not!� I paused. �It must mean that they want me to be their singer! Why else would they want to talk to me?� Then I faltered. �But they might also be kind enough, if they don�t want me, to break the news in person. I doubt it, but it could be true. Either way, I have to get there. If I ruin this, I could destroy all of my chances completely!�
Therefore, I hurried to change my clothes, fix myself up, and get over to the studio.
As I drove in my car to get there, I saw that it was very dark for afternoon. The clouds were gathering formidably, way up overhead, and soon it started to rain a little. The pavement began to grow shadowed with moisture.
"I hope that isn�t a bad sign," I muttered as I parked in front of the studio.
I went quickly as I locked my car and hurried into the building. I wanted to escape the rain, because I hadn�t thought to bring a raincoat, but also, I wasn�t in the mood to be recognized. Even though Pride of Mind was certainly never anywhere near the same league as Malice Mizer, there used to be a few occasions when I went out and was approached when I least expected it by a couple of fans.
I hoped that I looked all right. I was dressed nicer than usual, just in case they wanted me to look good. I�d put on a little makeup, too: my eyes and my lips were accentuated, and I�d fixed my hair carefully to droop over one eye a bit. I figured that Mana might be impressed if he knew that I could make myself look pretty too.
Holding my hand over my eyes like a visor, I entered the building and shut the door after me, dusting a few droplets of water off of my jacket. It was slightly lit in the hallway, more than outside, and I started to walk. I noticed that there was absolutely no one else in the studio, which was perplexing. It was a small private studio, but still, on the few occasions I�d been here, there had always been more people than this. No matter what time of day it was, somebody always had something to do here.
�Let�s see� Where is the room I went to last time?� I wondered to myself, peering around.
Finally, I found it and opened the door.
�Why is it so dark in here?� This thought immediately ran through my mind, nervously. I blinked quickly, shutting the door behind me. Inside the room, it was pitch black. Somebody seemed to have pulled the curtains over the windows to block out the rain and whatever lingering light there may have been outside, from behind the clouds. I opened and closed my eyes rapidly, trying to get used to the lighting, or lack thereof, but it didn�t really work. I still couldn�t see anything.
"Hello?" I called out softly, fumbling backwards agianst the door.
There was the sound of some rustling far ahead of me, and I halted. At least there was someone else here. An almost inaudible voice that I couldn�t quite recognize, though it sounded familiar, spoke to someone else. "He�s here�"
"Hai," another voice responded calmly.
I spent a few long seconds trying to figure out who the owners of the voices were, but I hadn�t been listening carefully enough to be able to distinguish them by memory. I�d been too surprised when the silence was suddenly broken. One more time, I repeated, "Hello?" in a hesitant tone. But the only response I heard as I stood there feeling for a light switch was more soft shifting sounds. So I took a few steps forward, carefully.
"Mana-san?" I asked. "Yu~ki-san?"
Suddenly I felt a tiny breath of air on my neck. My skin crawled. I began to whirl around, racing, but a hand was on my arm, stopping me before I could.
"Who� Who is that?" I asked fearfully, although I tried to keep my voice neutral.
I received no response. I started to turn around again, but another hand came down on my other arm, and then someone else�s arm slid around my waist. I bit back a yelp of surprise and jumped a little, but none of the hands or the arm let me go. I didn�t know why, but I started to panic. How many people were here? Who were they? And what was going on? I started to struggle. "L-Let me go!"
Someone cursed under their breath. They most likely had to dodge getting elbowed by me. "Kuso!"
Abruptly I had to stop moving, because something was thrust over my mouth.
What was that? Wet cloth? It made me gag. No, I realized only too late. It was a neatly-folded rag, which had been soaked in chloroform, and now, its holding had reached around me from behind and pressed it against my mouth. All these thoughts rushed through my head at lightning speed as the fumes sank into my system. The chloroform was overpowering, and I started to choke, as tears stung my eyes. I tried to struggle again, to get away, now completely baffled as to what was happening. I was usually a calm person, but right now, I was getting scared.
Against my will, I started to lose consciousness. Slowly I lost the strength to keep breathing, and my eyelashes fluttered a bit before my eyes closed. Blackness took hold and I felt myself growing limp�
---to be continued---
GLOSSARY
shounen ai: boy love (homosexuality)
ano: um�
hai: yes
kuso: shit
To be continued
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