Title: Shadows of Doubt
Author: Psy ([email protected])
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Band: Dir en grey
Pairings: Kaoru & Toshiya / Kaoru & Die
Comments: Kaoru and Die share an intimate moment. ^_~
Shadows of Doubt
by Psy
PART FOUR
Die stood bent over in front of the refrigerator. He held two cans of beer and for the first time he thought that maybe he'd had enough. And if he'd had enough, so had Kaoru. They'd barely talked to each other the last two hours, merely drinking in front of the t.v., not really even paying attention to the baseball game. He supposed that neither one of them really knew what to say to the other. Die wanted to comfort his friend, but he was afraid it was too soon...or that it would seem like a come-on.
"Die? You get lost in there?"
Hearing the slightly slurred voice, the almost mocking tone, made Die want to cry. He knew that drowning your sorrows wasn't the answer, although it had never stopped him before. Sighing, he closed the fridge and walked back into the living room. He almost dropped the beer when he laid eyes on Kaoru.
Kaoru had taken off his shirt and was sprawled across the couch, his head hanging off. He was looking up at Die upside-down with a strange little smile on his face.
"There you are," Kaoru whispered huskily.
"Uh...yeah," Die blinked in confusion and cautiously stepped over to the couch. "Here I am. Anou...what are you doing?"
A soft laugh was his response. Kaoru shifted, sitting up, and patted the spot next to him. "Have a seat, Die. I wanna talk about something."
"You can tell me while I'm standing," Die replied, a bit concerned with Kaoru's sudden odd behaviour.
"Fine, I'll get up, too, then." The older man got to his feet, and quite steadily at that. He wasn't as drunk as Die had thought just a minute ago. Kaoru placed his hands on Die's shoulders and looked deeply, meaningfully into his eyes. "Die," he said softly. "I don't blame you for what happened with Toshiya. It was just...bad timing, I guess. The thing is, I don't know if it can be fixed." With a hefty sigh, he dropped his hands and turned from Die to walk over to the window. Kaoru leaned against the sill. His words were pushed out slowly, deliberately, as though he were convincing himself, not just Die. "He hates me. You heard him. He won't talk to me. I've got to think that it's over; that I've lost the first person I've ever truly been in love with...who I thought would be the only person I'd ever be in love with.
"What I'm getting at, Die..." he paused, looking back at the redhead who stood there patiently listening even though he was confused and unsure. "What I'm getting at is that, since Toshiya obviously doesn't want me anymore...Maybe I could give it a try with you."
Die was stunned. He fell onto the couch, mouth agape, and just stared at Kaoru. "You can't be serious..." Kaoru nodded. "But...you don't love me. You'd be miserable and...so would I, because I'd know," he paused and swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut briefly. "I'd know that you still loved Toshiya no matter what. And somewhere deep down, he knows that, too. This can all be fixed, Kaoru. It can!"
While he was talking, Kaoru had been walking over to him. It was Kaoru who silenced Die's protests...with his lips. Die's eyes widened with surprise and he struggled with the desire to return the kiss with all the passion he'd been bottling up and the urge to shove Kaoru away and slap some sense into him. It was only grief and shock that was making Kaoru think this way. He was being fatalistic and that wasn't like him. Die knew that if only they could get Toshiya to understand...But his resistance was wearing thin as Kaoru pressed his lips more firmly against Die's and his hands trailed lightly up and down his back.
"Kaoru, onegai," he whispered feebily. "You don't wanna do this."
"Shh."
Kaoru slipped his tongue into Die's mouth and explored the wet, warm cavity. The younger man was too stunned and awash with pleasure from that simple action to do anything but stand there and moan. Soon he felt hands on his hips, moving to the zipper on his jeans. In a final attempt to stop his friend from doing something he was sure to regret, Die pushed the hands away from his zipper. Kaoru caught Die's hands and brought them to him, placing them on the bulge in his own jeans. A shudder ripped through Die and any other thoughts of protest that he'd had disappeared.
Die returned Kaoru's kisses passionately, massaging the older man's hardness through the barrier of his jeans. With a moan, Kaoru pushed his hands away so that he could unzip that troublesome article of clothing and slip them off, his mouth never leaving Die's. Die's hands immediately returned to caress the silky, smooth skin of Kaoru's erection. Both men groaned with pleasure, heads swimming with erotic desire.
Slowly Kaoru pulled Die with him down to the floor. Die lifted off his shirt and then groped at Kaoru's, yanking it off clumsily and then bringing his lips to the bare, creamy skin of Kaoru's chest. Kaoru closed his eyes and sighed shakily as Die kissed, licked, and nipped across his chest, all the while gently stroking his penis. It was a delicious pleasure that washed over him and a blissul tension filled his body as Die moved lower and lower until Kaoru felt the light flick of Die's tongue across the head of his erection. His body jerked as passion knifed through him and a strangled cry tore from his throat.
"Ah! Die!" Kaoru moaned. It was then that he realized he was crying. With a small sob, he pushed Die away from him and sat upright. "No. No, I can't do this. I'm sorry." He buried his face in his hands and desperately tried to grind away the tears.
Breathing heavily and trying to calm down, Die moved to put his arm around Kaoru's shoulders. "Kaoru, it's okay. I'm not mad. I understand. Onegai, stop crying, okay?"
Kaoru stood up, feeling the need to get away from Die. He snatched his jeans up off the floor and quickly pulled them back on, stumbling over to the window again. He ran a hand through his hair and took several deep breaths to steady himself and stop the tears. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I shouldn't have done that to you."
"Kao-"
"No, let me talk," the older guitarist cut the younger one off and turned from the window to face him. "I thought that I could make myself forget about Toshiya for a little while, seeing as how he hates me. But...if I went through with that, then he'd be right. He thinks we're sleeping together. It's not true. As long as I know it isn't true, then maybe...maybe I can convince him, too. But if I really did sleep with you just now, then I'd be lying and how could I ever face him again?"
Die nodded. He was partially grateful that Kaoru had pulled away. He'd known deep down Kaoru would regret it...and he would, too, no matter how much he wanted it. "Why don't you go talk to him."
"Yeah...yeah, maybe I should." Kaoru retrieved his shirt and with a thankful smile tossed at Die, he left.
~*~
The knock on the door roused Toshiya out of his fitful slumber. He was lying facedown on his bed, his face red and streaked with tear stains. After he'd left the studio, he had gone home and cried himself to sleep. Now he sat up, rubbed at his reddened eyes, and shuffled to the front door. He was mildly surprised to find Kyo standing there.
"Toshiya...um...can I come in?" Kyo's face was a mask of barely concealed worry and he seemed very uncomfortable. The truth was, he was uncomfortable. He was about to meddle in his friend's life and he could only pray to whatever powers that be that he didn't screw it up!
"Uh, sure." Toshiya replied, blinking in confusion and opening the door wider so the vocalist could get in. "Must be important," he said in a voice that strained to be casual.
Kyo sat down on the couch with a hefty sigh and gave the bassist a look that said he didn't buy the act for a single second. "Yeah, you could say that. Looks like you've been crying."
Toshiya blushed and glanced in the mirror by the door. Oh, wow, it is soooo obvious! He thought with surprise as he looked at his face. He rubbed his palms against his cheeks and turned back to Kyo. "Maybe a little bit," he replied in a small voice.
"You don't hate him," Kyo said suddenly, his tone somber and very serious. "How could you say that to him? How could you not see the stricken look on his face? What..."
"Stop!" Toshiya cried, his eyes beginning to well up again. "How could I say that to him?! How can you sit there and defend him after what he's done to me?"
"He didn't do anything, Toshiya," the older man said quietly, lifting his head and making eye contact. "Kaoru has been completely faithful to you."
Angry now, and hurt, Toshiya glared at Kyo. "What are you talking about? I told you what I heard!"
Kyo nodded. "Yes, you did, but I talked to Kaoru today and..."
"You what?!" Toshiya screeched, his hands clenching into tight fists.
"I talked to Kaoru today," Kyo continued, ignoring the angry cry. "And he told me the rest of it. You walked in at the end of a conversation, Toshiya. You didn't hear the whole story. What you heard...well, you quite understandably misunderstood it. He meant that he loves Die as a friend. That's all."
The bassist huffed. "So you just believe whatever he tells you, then, is that it? How can you be so naive?!"
"You're the one who's fucking being naive!" Kyo shouted back, getting pissed off at Toshiya's stubborness. "And jumping to fucking conclusions! You didn't even fucking talk to him. You didn't give him even one chance to explain himself. And you say you're so madly in love with him. Well, ya know what? Maybe that's bull shit. Maybe you don't give one fuck about him and this is just a damn good reason to be rid of him!"
His words hit Toshiya like a kick in the stomach. They made him feel ill and they hurt. "How dare you?!" he screamed back, tears once again streaming down his face. "I love Kaoru with every fiber of my being! He's my oxygen and I haven't been able to breath since I found out he betrayed me like that! Every breath I take is painful. My heart hurts so bad that my chest aches. I don't know how to go on with life without him. I'd give anything for this to be a huge misunderstanding, but I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!"
Kyo stared at him as sobs wracked his slender frame and he sank to the floor. He was so utterly taken aback that he couldn't move. He was way out of his elemnet here.
"What does it matter," Toshiya continued between sobs, taking in air in great heaving gulps. "What does it matter if I still love him? No, I don't hate him. I could never hate him. But, Kyo, it hurts so bad...so bad...What can I do?"
Highly uncomfortable in his neverending role as Toshiya's confessor and comforter, Kyo moved towards the younger man and crouched down next to him. He placed a hand gently on his shoulder. "All I can say is, talk to him. Get the whole story. I can't tell you. It isn't for me to do. After all, this is between you and Kaoru."
"And Die."
"Yeah," Kyo said softly, sadly even. "And Die."
They stayed like that for a few minutes while Toshiya's tears died down and as they stood together, Kyo being the veritable "shoulder to lean on" quite literally, there was a knock at the door. Exchanging a bewildered look with Kyo, Toshiya slowly turned the knob...and gasped.
"Kaoru!"
______________________________________________________________________
Find out if everything will work out and if a happy ending will be had for all in the final installment of "Shadows of Doubt". ^___^
To be continued
To the next part