Title: Shadows of Doubt
Author: Psy ([email protected])
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Band: Dir en grey
Pairings: Kaoru & Toshiya and....(?)
Comments: In this part decisions are going to be made that could end up hurting those whom are loved the most and changing things forever.
Why do I insist on trying to sound so dramatic when ya'll have probably figured it all out by now?! *sigh* Well, read on, and do comment if you feel the urge.
Shadows of Doubt
by Psy
PART THREE
For the first time ever, Kaoru was late for rehearsal. Shinya suggested randomly, and to no one in particular, that perhaps he was sick. Then he had turned to Toshiya and asked him if that was the case. Toshiya had ignored him, fiddling with the strings on his bass rather than answer. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind: Maybe Kaoru was quitting the band...Maybe he was driving around because he didn't want to see him...Maybe he was ashamed now that Toshiya knew about him and Die...Maybe he had been so upset that he'd killed himself...
Toshiya shook his head to clear it. No, Kaoru would never do that. He sighed heavily, looking around at the rest of the band. Kyo was rolling and unrolling the long blue tie he wore, seeming extremely uncomfortable. Several thoughts very similar to those Toshiya was having were running through the small singer's head.
Die sat in a corner away from everyone, his guitar sitting in his lap untouched, not even tuned for that morning's practice. He was having serious doubts about telling Kaoru he was in love with him, wondering if maybe it had been a big mistake. Was it because of him that Kaoru wasn't there? And why were Toshiya and Kyo giving him such strange looks?
"So...are we going to do anything today?" Shinya inquired of his bandmates, lazily twirling a drumstick. So far, it was both the most exciting and the closest thing he'd done all morning that came anywhere near to actually playing his drums.
Glancing from his tie to the clock on the wall, Kyo replied, "We'll give Kaoru another ten minutes and then I'd say let's all go home if he doesn't show." He paused and looked over at Toshiya, frowning slightly. "Totchi, you can come over to my house and hang out if you want." Kyo knew that Toshiya had spent the night at a hotel. He didn't have a home to return to anymore.
"Arigatou, demo..." Toshiya flicked his eyes over at a surprised Shinya and shook his head. "I have things to do today."
"Oh, okay then. If you change your mind..." Kyo was cut off by the door opening.
Four heads swiveled simultaneously to the doorway to see Kaoru walk in. His hair was a mess, his shoulders slumped, his clothes wrinkled. There were dark circles under his eyes as well. He dragged his feet as he walked over to a long table at the back of the room and set his guitar case on it.
"Good morning, Kaoru," Shinya called to him. "How are you feeling? You're late."
"I know I'm late." Kaoru responded in a thick voice, heavy with fatigue and, if you knew to look for it, grief. "It doesn't matter. I'm here now. Let's get this over with." He picked up his guitar and walked over to Kyo. "What are we practicing?"
Kyo didn't know how to respond. Usually Kaoru was the one to tell him what they were practicing. And all he could think as he stared back at the older man was, Is it true? Is it? Do you love Die?
Shinya looked at his friends and bandmates from his perch behind his drum kit. He frowned at them. What's going on here? he wondered to himself. Both Toshiya and Die looked about ready to cry, though Toshiya also looked angry and hurt for some reason. Kaoru looked like he'd just been through hell and back; so depressed it made Shinya want to cry! And Kyo...he looked nervous and upset as well. The drummer got the feeling that there was something going on that was very important and he'd somehow missed everything.
"Kyo?" Kaoru's voice turned hard. "What are we practicing?"
"Uh...let's just do an easy practice today, ne? No in-the-works projects," the vocalist suggested. "Let's do the "six Ugly" stuff."
With a stiff nod, Kaoru stepped over to his mark, passing by Toshiya. He slowed down considerably and caught the younger man's eyes. His own eyes pleaded with Toshiya, begging him to sit and listen, to let him explain everything, to let him assure him that it wasn't how he thought it was. But Toshiya looked away quickly as if the very sight of Kaoru disgusted him. The bassist bumped into Die as he backed away from Kaoru. The two stared at each other for a long moment that seemed to stretch on into eternity. Die blanched from the intense animosity that radiated from Toshiya and was unmistakably aimed at him.
"Excuse me," Toshiya said stiffly, walking past the red-haired guitarist.
Die looked past him over to Kaoru, a million questions in his eyes. He made a few gestures asking if Kaoru was mad at him. The other guitarist shook his head. He then made another gesture, towards Toshiya, asking what was wrong with him. Kaoru shook his head again, but this time is was slower, deeper and his shoulders lifted and fell in a deep sigh. He gestured back to Die that he would explain it later.
Once everyone was in place, Kyo beamed a lop-sided smile over to Shinya. "Hey, Shin-chan! You pick what song we do first."
The young man smiled back and winked at his koi. "Let's do...oh, I dunno..."umbrella"!"
Everyone, not just Kyo, couldn't help but smile. The drummer wasn't nearly so shy and withdrawn anymore, thanks to Kyo. He had seemed to bloom and blossom with the love that the little man lavished so generously on him as he had never done before. So, the band started practice. They played only "umbrella" about three times before the tension in the room became too much and Kyo called a break. Toshiya was out of the room almost before the word was out of Kyo's mouth. Kaoru stared after him longingly, wanting to follow and not knowing if he should.
"Hey, Kaoru." The guitarist turned at the sound of his name. Kyo was stepping beside him, taking his arm, and leading him out the door. "I need to talk to you."
Kaoru sighed and allowed Kyo to lead him down the hall and out a side door. Once outside, he leaned against the brick building and took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Kyo watched as the guitarist lit a cigarette, looked at it dispassionately, and then crushed it out underfoot.
"What is it, Kyo?" Kaoru demanded in a less-than-demanding tone. He sounded drained, tired.
"Well I...uh...see, the thing is..." Now that he had Kaoru alone, Kyo didn't know how to put into words all the questions that swam in his head. The best way, he suddenly decided, was to just blurt it out and get it over with. "Toshiya came to see me last night. He told me everything."
"Nani?!" Kaoru's head jerked up and a fire blazed in his eyes that was quickly banked by the tears that sprang to them. He turned his head for a moment, wiping angrily at those damnable tears, before turning back to Kyo. "What do you mean he told you everything?"
Coughing a little, Kyo shifted his eyes to the ground. "About...you and Die. I just can't believe it, Kaoru! How could you hurt him like this?"
"I have no idea what gave Toshiya the idea that I was doing anything with Die!" Kaoru protested, desperation seeping into his voice. "We're friends, that's all. That's all we've ever been. I love Toshiya!"
Those tears he had been fighting back slipped a little, a thin line trailing down his cheek. He slid down the wall until he sat on the ground, knees pulled up, shaking his head and choking back the tears, angry at himself for being so weak in front of Kyo. Kyo knelt in front of him, shock written all over his face.
"You mean...you and Die aren't...?" Kaoru shook his head. "But Toshiya heard you tell Die that you loved him."
With a deep sigh, Kaoru raised his head and told his friend what had happened the night before. He told Kyo about Die coming to him and telling him that he was in love with him and how he had told Die that, even if it wasn't the way he wanted, he did love him.
"And then we heard a little clicking sound," Kaoru concluded. Realization struck him hard at that moment. "It must have been the door! Toshiya! Oh no! No, no, no. That's all he heard! Of course he'd think..." He practically jumped to his feet, leaping at the door. "I've got to tell him everything. He has to know the whole story."
"Wait! Wait!" Kyo ran after him. "Kaoru, you can't mean to tell him what Die told you!"
He stopped abruptly and turned around to stare at Kyo. His face fell. "You think he wouldn't believe me if I told him."
Kyo nodded slightly. "He might have doubts."
"I have to take that chance."
Kaoru walked back into the rehearsal room and right over to Toshiya. The bassist sensed his approach and started to move to the other side of the room, but Kaoru reached out and took his arm. Toshiya whirled on him, his face contorted with anger.
"Let me go!" he hissed.
"No. Toshiya, listen to me. I know you're angry, but..."
"Angry?!" Toshiya's eyes widened as he struggled to break Kaoru's grip on his arm. "You have no idea! How dare you even look at me, much less speak to me after what you did! I HATE YOU!"
Stunned, Kaoru dropped Toshiya's arm. Everyone else turned to look their way, equally shocked expressions on their faces. Toshiya was crying; hot, angry tears that turned his face red. He pushed past a Kaoru that had seemed to turn to stone. At the doorway he stopped and glared at his former lover one last time.
"Don't ever, EVER speak to me again, Nikkura Kaoru," he commanded in a low, menacing voice. "I hate you! Forever and ever, I hate you."
And then he was gone. No one spoke for a long while afterwards. Kyo leaned against a wall, all energy seemingly drained from him. He felt an overwhelming amount of pity for Kaoru, but he didn't know if there was anything he could do that could take the wholey heartbroken, devastated expression off his friend's face. He didn't think there was.
If he had been completely lost before, Shinya was even moreso now. Confused, he looked to Kyo for answers, but found only more questions in the sorrowful look on his koi's face. "What's...going on?" he asked quietly, more to himself than to anyone in the room.
Kyo sadly shook his head and left the wall. "I'll explain at home. Practice is cancelled...indefinitely," he added in a small, tight voice. Shinya got up from behind his drum kit and walked over to him, taking his hand. Kyo smiled a little then looked over at Kaoru. "Kaoru...if you need to talk or...if you want me to talk to him..."
Kaoru shook his head. "No. Thanks, though."
His voice sounded hollow and it hurt to hear it. Without another word, Kyo and Shinya left. Die had been standing in a corner, watching everything, but he now approached Kaoru.
"Kaoru, what's going on? Why did Toshiya...?"
The older man cut him off. "He thinks I'm in love with you."
"But how? Why?" Die's face was a study in confusion.
Quickly and in a tone that frightened Die, Kaoru explained it all to him. His face and voice had remained steady the whole time, but once he was finished, he all but collapsed into Die's arms, sobbing like no one would ever imagine the strong-as-a-rock Leader-sama to do. Die hugged him close and stroked his silky, blondish hair. They stayed that way for several minutes. It killed Die to see Kaoru so utterly devastated, reduced to tears over a man that could so quickly believe the worst of him. But Toshiya was fragile and Die could almost understand how the naive young man could so easily jump to conclusions. Almost, but not quite. And he wasn't sure he could forgive him.
Kaoru pulled away from Die, wiping his eyes. It made the redhead uncomfortable the way he was staring at him. "Kaoru? Are you gonna be okay?"
"I don't want to be alone right now." He replied quietly. "I just don't know...I don't know what I know anymore. Just that I don't want to be alone. Can I..." Kaoru sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Can I come over to your place?"
Die nodded solemnly.
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I know I usually write a little something at this point, but I really don't know what to say. Quite honestly, I'm shocking myself with what I'm writing! I can only hope that no one is too terribly mad at me and that you're all enjoying the story and will now be rushing off to the next part. Go! Go on! What are you waiting for?!
To be continued
To the next part