Title: Shadows of Doubt
Author: Psy ([email protected])
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Band: Dir en grey
Pairings: Kaoru & Toshiya and....(?)
Comments: Secrets are revealed by one and seeds of doubt begin to flower in the mind of another. Will Kaoru and Toshiya's newfound love be strong enough to survive Die's unburdening of his heart? The answer to this question, and many more, await you in the continuation of Shadows of Doubt!
I was trying to be all dramatic and professional. Did it work?! Hmm... doubtful. Ah well, enjoy anyway! Feedback shamelessly begged for! ^___^
Shadows of Doubt
by Psy
PART TWO
It was nearing six o'clock when Die knocked on the door of the apartment that Kaoru and Toshiya now shared. His heart was pounding, his head swimming, and he was nauseous. Kaoru opened the door, giving Die a strange worried look before smiling at him.
"Die. Come on in." Kaoru stepped aside to let the taller man pass. Die put on as large a smile as he could manage and murmured out a thanks as he entered the apartment. "Have a seat," Kaoru motioned to the couch as he closed the door.
Die practically fell onto the couch, sighing heavily as he did so. "Got anything to drink?" He asked.
Kaoru frowned. "I really don't think you need anymore alcohol. In fact, that's one of the things I'm worried about. I really think you're an alcoholic."
"Pfft!" Die scoffed. "I'm not an alcoholic. I just like having a few...dozen drinks every...day." He sighed. "Look, that's not why I came here, okay?"
"Okay, fine." Kaoru didn't push the issue, even though he really was worried about Die. He'd been acting so strange lately; drinking more and more, losing weight, becoming far quieter than he'd ever seen him. The older man sighed. "So, what did you need to talk to me about?"
The redhead didn't answer right away. Instead he looked around the apartment. "Where's Toshiya?"
"He went shopping," Kaoru replied with a small, loving smile as he thought of his koi. "He'll be gone for hours. You know how Toshiya is once he gets started. He sees one sparkly, shiny bauble or a tight shirt with some pattern that intrigues him and he needs to search the next twenty stores for something similar!" He laughed a little as he shook his head gently.
Die scowled almost imperceptibly and stood up. He began to pace the living room in front of Kaoru. How am I gonna say this? he asked himself silently. Should I say this? I'm here, aren't I? I kinda have to now. Maybe it'll feel better to get it out.
As he paced, Kaoru watched him from the couch, getting increasingly worried. "Die?" The younger man stopped and stared back at him. "If you're trying to make me really, really curious about why you're here, you've succeeded. You wanna sit back down and spit it out?"
"Sorry." Die sat back down beside Kaoru. "I...I really don't know how to say this."
"Does this have anything to do with why you've been acting so..." Kaoru searched for the right words. "So...un-Die-like lately?"
Die nodded. He took a deep breath. "Okay, I don't expect what I'm about to say to change anything. I don't expect anything more from you than what you're already giving me, which is one of the most important friendships I've ever had. I helped you out with Toshiya because I wanted to see you happy. You were so...depressed and out of it, I just had to do something to help. What kind of friend would I be if I hadn't?" He sighed. "I didn't think it would bother me. But it does."
"What does?" Kaoru asked. "I don't understand."
"You being with Toshiya," Die answered. "Instead of with me."
Both men fell silent after that. Kaoru stared blankly at Die, unblinking, and Die stared down at his hands. "Me being with Toshiya..." Kaoru repeated slowly. "Instead of you."
Another nod from Die. "I thought if I told you...told you that I'm in love with you, it would make me feel better."
"Well what about me, Die?" Kaoru demanded, standing up and scowling angrily. "How am I supposed to feel about this? Am I supposed to say, Gee, Die, that's great. I'm so glad you told me. Now you can go back to be your normal self and I can feel awkward around you now!"
"No, no. That's not it at all!" Die protested. "I...guess I didn't think of how it would make you feel and I'm really sorry." Those damnable tears stung at his eyes and threatened to spill over.
Through his haze of confusion and anger, Kaoru saw those tears. He sucked in a breath and sat next to Die once more. He was concerned now. Die crying? That just didn't happen! It was pure instinct that caused Kaoru to put his arms around the other guitarist. "Die, I'm sorry. I overreacted. It's just such a shock. I mean, you never said anything; never gave any kind of hint."
Die fought back the tears and settled into Kaoru's embrace. "I knew it wasn't me you wanted. Even before I knew it was Toshiya, I knew you didn't want me. And I'm only saying this now to clear my mind. Kinda hoping that if I got it off my chest I could deal with you and Toshiya being together. I really do just want you to be happy, Kaoru."
Kaoru hugged him tighter and smiled. "You know, you're really a great friend, Die. In another time, things could have been different. And even if it's not in the way you want, I do love you, Die."
Suddenly a soft click resounded in the room. Die pulled away from Kaoru and looked around. "What was that?"
"I don't know," Kaoru replied, straining to see if he would hear it again. "Nothing I guess."
"So...are we cool?" Die asked hesitantly.
Kaoru grinned and patted his shoulder. "Of course. We're friends first. Nothing can change that. In fact, to prove that everything's fine, let's go out to dinner. I'll leave Toshiya a note."
"Uh...please don't tell him what I said."
With a nod of understanding, Kaoru quickly jotted down a short note and stuck it on the t.v. He then left for dinner with a very relieved Die. Neither one gave any thought to that soft sound that had broken their embrace.
~*~
Toshiya was carrying enough bags of clothing and accessories to clothe three people for a week. It was a miracle he figured out a way to carry them all! When he reached the door to his and Kaoru's apartment, he cursed silently and shifted bags so he could dig in his pocket for his keys. On a whim, he decided to check and see if the door was already unlocked. Trying to open the door with mountains of merchandise in his hands when it was already open seemed infinitely easier than trying to add one more thing to his already too full hands and trying to unlock it. Toshiya had managed to open in just a crack when he heard voices. As he juggled the bags and prepared to bump open the door with his hip, he heard Kaoru's voice.
"I do love you, Die."
The bassist froze. His bags fell to the ground, but he somehow found the presence of mind to reach out and close the door. Tears formed in his pretty eyes and it seemed as though his heart stopped beating. I have to get out of here, he thought frantically. Hastily, Toshiya gathered up his shopping bags and rushed out of the apartment building. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew he had to get out. It couldn't be. It just couldn't! he screamed silently.
But it seemed as though there was no way around it. Toshiya had heard it with his own two ears. Kaoru was in love with Die.
~*~
After driving around blindly for a few hours, wiping tears away, Toshiya found himself outside Kyo's apartment building. He parked hapharzadly and stumbled into the building. When he reached Kyo's door, he stopped to wonder what he was doing there. Kyo wasn't really the kind of person you went to for comfort or advice...and yet, Toshiya had always gone to him for both. Taking a steadying breath, Toshiya knocked on the door. He had managed to stop crying and was only sniffling until the door opened and there was Kyo, slightly annoyed and with his blond hair all mussed. Toshiya couldn't say what he found so endearing about that scowling face, but seeing it made him burst into a fresh deluge of tears.
"Oh fuck! Oh geez!" Kyo swore loudly and grabbed Toshiya's arm, pulling him into the apartment. "Come on, sit down. What's wrong?"
Toshiya allowed himself to be lead to a high-backed chair that was remarkably clean for being in Kyo's apartment. Shinya's doing, obviously. Toshiya actually kind of missed the clutter as he looked around through the mist of his tears. Kyo knelt down in front of him holding out a tissue, another thing he never had around before he and Shinya got together. With a small grateful smile, Toshiya took the tissue and wiped his eyes.
"I was kinda hoping you'd wipe your nose with that." Kyo wrinkled his own nose and shoved another tissue at him. "You really, really need to!"
That solicited a laugh from the younger man, albeit one that was hoarse from hours of crying, choking, and hiccoughing, but a laugh nonetheless. "Arigatou," he whispered. He accepted the second tissue and, just to make Kyo smile, made a big show of wiping his nose as loudly and with as big of gestures as he could. Mission accomplished as a huge grin split Kyo's face. He patted Toshiya's knee.
"Okay, so what's up? Why are you crying?"
Toshiya sniffed again and took a deep breath. "Well, I was shopping today. You know, after lunch." Kyo nodded. "And then when I went home...I couldn't open the door all the way because...because I had so many bags and...I opened it a little bit and Kaoru was talking to...to Die. I don't know if he was there or if they were talking on the phone or..." He paused to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat and to blink back the fresh tears. He shook his head. "I heard him, Kyo. I heard him tell Die that he loved him!"
"Baka mitai!" Kyo shook his head and stood up, going over to the couch and sitting down. "Kaoru's mad about you! You must have misunderstood."
"No, I couldn't have. Plain as day, his exact words were, 'I do love you, Die'." Tears slipped silently down Toshiya's pale cheeks as he focused his brown eyes on Kyo. "How do you make a mistake about that?"
Kyo said nothing. All he could think about was how uncomfortable Die had been around Kaoru the last few weeks, how stiff, and quiet. And always Toshiya had been there. Could it possibly be that it was Toshiya and not Kaoru whom Die was uncomfortable around? Was it because he and Kaoru were having an affair? It seemed so unreal. Kaoru seemed so happy with Toshiya, so in love! Kyo sighed deeply and shook his head.
"What are you thinking, Kyo?" Toshiya asked. "You're thinking they're having an affair, aren't you? Don't think I haven't noticed how strange Die's been acting around me lately! You've noticed it, too."
The petite vocalist nodded sadly. "I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it."
"You think I do?!" Toshiya's voice was shrill and filled with a kind of anguish that Kyo wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. Well...okay, maybe his very worst enemy, but certainly not Toshiya. "I love him! I thought he loved me. He came to me to tell me he loved me. Why would he do that if he was going to turn around and take up with Die?!"
"Why don't you talk to him?" Kyo suggested.
Toshiya shook his head. "No. It wouldn't make anything better. And I...I just don't want to talk to him." He stood up and headed for the door.
Kyo, too, stood up. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going home to leave a note for Kaoru. It's over." He sniffled and squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. "It's over."
~*~
When Kaoru got home that night, he was surprised to see that it was dark and there was no Toshiya rushing to greet him, full of smiles and ready with kisses. Frowning, he moved about the apartment searching for signs of life. There were no new shopping bags. In fact, it seemed things were missing.
"What the hell is going on?" Kaoru wondered aloud.
He wandered into the kitchen and there, on the counter, he saw it. A note. He hurried over and picked it up.
Dear Kaoru,
I'm only staying long enough to get a few of my things and write you this note to tell you that we're through. I thought you loved me and it turns out I was a naive fool. I hope you and Die will be very happy. Please don't talk to me at rehearsal tomorrow.
Toshiya
The paper fell from Kaoru's hands and he collapsed to his knees. He was crying. It stunned him almost more than the note; the fact that he, Nikkura Kaoru, was crying.
"Oh, Totchi, no!" he whispered to the empty apartment. "It isn't like that. It isn't! Oh, God!" He hunched over, clutching his chest, and sobbed.
_______________________________________________________________________
Poor Kao-Kao-chan! Please, Kaoru fans, don't hurt me! It'll all work out! I promise! *hides from angry horde of Kaoru fangirls*
To be continued
To the next part