Title: Shadows of Doubt
Author: Psy ([email protected])
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Band: Dir en grey
Pairings: Kaoru & Toshiya and....(?)
Comments: The third and last story in the trilogy that started with my very first JRock fanfic ever. I hadn't been planning a third story, but I got so much
feedback while I was still writing "Take This Heart" and it was all so nice and so encouraging that I figured if I thought hard enough, I could figure
out a way to carry on with the story. So, here it is. I hope everyone enjoys it!
This fic is dedicated to Mi-chan, my first feedback ever; Tsmrhara, who is such a sweet, wonderful person! Thank you so much for your support!
It's meant so much to me; and also to Maharet and Lotos, who also said such nice things about my fics. I just want to let you all know that it's
because you took the time to let me know that something I wrote made you happy or touched you in some way that I have written this fic. It's all for you!
*big hugs to all*
Shadows of Doubt
by Psy
PART ONE
He awoke in his own bed and was confused for a moment before a grin split his face and he raised his arms over his head. That's right, Die thought. Tour's over. We got home last night. Celebrated. He chuckled as he sat up, kicking the bunched up blanket and sheet at the foot of his bed onto the floor. Guess I celebrated a little too much. A quick glance over at the digital clock at his bedside had Die wincing and nearly flying out of his bed and into the bathroom.
"Shit, shit, SHIT!" He swore loudly as he stripped off his underwear and ducked under the stream of hot water in the shower. Die had promised to meet Shinya and Kyo for lunch and he had overslept. It wasn't that he was worried he'd be late, because chances were Kyo had overslept as well. He just didn't like sleeping late.
Die scrambled around his bedroom trying to get dressed as quickly as possible. He frowned at his jeans, too loose on his thin frame. "I really need to put on some weight," he mused to himself. Shrugging, he pulled on a tight black t-shirt and sailed out of his apartment.
When he reached the restaurant, neither Kyo nor Shinya had arrived yet. He sat at the bar, ordered a drink, and sipped it gingerly as he waited, not wanting to add too much to the headache that he had. Hangovers were a bitch! A few minutes later Kyo plopped onto the barstool next to him.
"Hey," Die greeted, looking around. "Where's Shinya?"
Kyo shrugged and grumbled. "He has one helluva hangover. Shin-chan's not used to drinking so much. It kinda hit him hard and he isn't feeling too great. But he was nice enough to wake me up so I could get here," he finished with a sarcastic snort.
"Poor Shinya," Die responded with a little smile. "But, hey, thanks for coming anyway. I would've felt like an idiot sitting here by myself."
"Eh, what're friends for, right?" Kyo slipped off the stool and Die followed him to a table. "Oh, by the way," Kyo said as they sat. "I invited Kaoru and Toshiya to join us. That's okay, right?"
A strange look flashed across Die's face as his chest tightened uncomfortably. "Uh...yeah. Of course that's fine. Why wouldn't it be?" Forgetting about his headache, Die drained his glass and motioned to the waiter to order another one.
"You seem kind of uncomfortable around Kaoru lately."
"I do?" Die asked, frowning. God, was it that obvious? "That's...that's silly. I'm not uncomfortable with Kaoru."
Kyo raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Whatever. If you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna talk about it. But listen, you helped me out not so long ago and if you need somebody to talk to..." he paused, looking more than slightly embarassed and out of his element. "Well, you can talk to me." The last part, rushed out though it was, brought a smile to Die's face.
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. But everything's fine."
Though the small blond man didn't really believe the red-haired guitarist sitting across from him, guzzling a gin and tonic as though he hadn't had a drop of liquid in a week, he kept his mouth shut. It wasn't much longer before Toshiya and Kaoru strode into the restaurant, looking around for a moment before they spotted their bandmates and friends, and joined them. Both were smiling and looked radiantly happy.
Kaoru took the seat next to Die and turned to smile at him. "Hey, you look good this morning. Did you pull out a miracle and not end up with a hangover this morning?"
"Ha ha. Very funny," Die smiled back, though not so large a smile as Kaoru was expecting. "No, I've got one. Just trying to ignore it."
"Baka!" Toshiya admonished. "You'll make yourself sick."
"I'll be fine, Toshiya," Die replied, an almost undetectable edge to his voice. Kyo caught it and frowned contemplatively. "You really don't have to worry about me. In fact, I'd prefer if you didn't."
Toshiya pouted and lowered his eyes. "Sorry, Die. You don't have to snap at me." He moved a little closer to Kaoru, who put a comforting arm around him.
"I didn't snap!" Die protested.
"Yes, you did," Kaoru insisted.
Kyo stepped in at that moment, sensing the beginning of an argument he was not in the mood for. "Guys, chill out. Toshiya, I'm sure Die didn't mean to sound like an ass. Die, you probably didn't notice that it came out a little harsh. There, problem solved. Now let's just eat."
There was such a note of finality in Kyo's voice that nobody even tried to argue with him. He kept casting surreptitious glances at Die throughout lunch. Die was sitting very stiffly next to Kaoru and barely picking at his food. Every now and then, when either Toshiya or Kaoru would make some loving gesture to the other, Die's jaw would harden and his eyes narrow. He would quickly shake his head and close his eyes for a moment as if to regain his senses and that blank, apathetic look that had taken over his face the moment Kaoru and Toshiya sat down would return. Kyo was extremely confused by the emotions that flashed on and off Die's face. He was even peeved at the guitarist for making him worry when he should be having a good time like Toshiya and Kaoru were obviously having. Both were oblivious to Die's foul mood. Quite abruptly, Die pushed back his chair and stood up.
"Excuse me." His voice was tight, his face blank as he forced the words out of his mouth. His companions, all baffled at Die's sudden departure, watched him walk away. To their confusion, he didn't leave the restaurant. He merely sat down at the bar and soon had a line of six or seven beers set in front of him. They had no doubt that he would go through them in short order and then have a few more. What they didn't know was why. Die only power-drank like that when he was depressed.
Kaoru turned to Kyo with a deep frown on his face and worry in his eyes. "Kyo, is he okay?"
The vocalist shook his head. "I don't think so. But whatever it is, he ain't talkin'. And I ain't pushin' the subject. And," he reached out to grab Kaoru's arm as the older man started to stand up. "Neither are you. Just leave him alone for a while, okay?"
Reluctantly, Kaoru sat back down. "I don't get it. He's seemed fine all during the tour. Do you think he's sore because we didn't go to the States like he wanted?"
"Maybe that's it," Toshiya agreed, wanting to find a reason quickly. It troubled him to see the normally bright and cheery redhead looking so down in the dumps. If he knew the reason, maybe he could make it better.
"I doubt it," Kyo replied. "He knew we weren't going to be able to get there this tour. It's something else. Something more important. I just can't for the life of me figure it out."
The three men sat in silence for several minutes as they finished their meals, chewing almost mechanically as they all thought about why Die could be so...off. Meanwhile, Die polished off all seven beers and had another line placed before him. His headache was gone and that familiar buzz was saturating his body, making his head light and blissfully numb. He watched as his friends left, only casting passing glances his way before they were gone. Kyo lingered a bit longer and looked as though he were trying to figure out if he wanted to go over to Die or just get out. After a few moments of what looked like deep thought, the blond sighed and left.
Die, too, sighed once he was the only one left in the restaurant. "I've got a serious problem here," he mumbled to himself. "I didn't think it was gonna hurt so bad. I thought I would be okay. I mean, so long as he's happy, right?" He ran a hand through his short red spikes and reached for another beer. "Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm a fucking moron. I should have said something. But no, that wouldn't have solved anything. It wasn't me he wanted. Still isn't me he wants. He has what he wants and I have nothing. Nothing and no one..."
His soft, drunken ramblings caught the attention of the bartender, a pretty doe-eyed woman of about thirty. She stopped in front of Die and reached out to touch his arm gently. He looked up, his eyes heavy-lidded and half-closed. "Hey, hon, you okay?"
He shook his head. "No. No, I'm not." Taking out his wallet, Die dropped more than enough money to pay for his drinks and a generous tip for the concerned bartender. "Arigatou," he slurred the word and shakily got to his feet and headed out the door.
Die decided to take a cab home. It wasn't very far and he had walked to the restaurant, but he didn't think that in his condition he'd be able to remember where to turn. The last thing he needed was to get lost a block from his apartment building. He almost fell asleep in the cab in the five or so minutes it took to get to his house. Again, he gave the driver more than enough money to pay for the short trip and an even more generous tip than he'd left the waitress. He didn't feel like trying to count just now.
When Die got inside his apartment, there was a message waiting for him. He staggered over to the answering machine and pressed play. Kaoru's deep, melodic voice filled the room.
"Die. It's Kaoru. I just wanted to let you know that I was worried about you today. You seem...I don't know. Depressed, I guess. And angry. Are you mad at me? I really hope not. Please give me a call back and let me know what's going on. We've always been good friends and if you have a problem, I really want you to know that I'm there for you. Um...I guess that's it. Just...call me. Oh, and Toshiya says to feel better. Bye."
As Die listened to the message, he began to cry. When it was over, he violently jabbed the erase button. Toshiya. Of course he had to say something about Toshiya. He angrily wiped at his tears, furious at himself for crying and furious at himself for getting angry at one of his best friends. It wasn't Toshiya's fault. Die had no right to be mad at him; not at anyone but himself. Then suddenly he felt sick. Die rushed into the bathroom and emptied his stomach. The tears returned when it was over and he slumped against the tub and let himself cry, not completely certain of why he was doing so. After several minutes, the tears subsided and he stood up on wobbly legs to wash his face. Die looked at his reflection in the mirror. In it, he saw a tired, sad man. The dark mahogany eyes seemed haunted.
"Haunted." Die repeated his thought aloud. With a sigh he shuffled back into his living room and fell onto the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "Haunted by a deep, dark secret...Okay, so it's just a secret." He tried to smile at his lame joke, but when he couldn't even manage that, he knew the time had come to tell someone. When he picked up the phone, he didn't know who he was going to call. While he was dialing, he wasn't aware of the numbers he pressed. But when the other line answered, Die knew it was who he had meant to call all along.
"Moshi moshi."
"It's Die. Kaoru, we need to talk."
_______________________________________________________________________
And there ya have it! Part One, completed. And it's only 3:30 in the morning! X_X Need sleep. I don't think this part is as good as it could have been. I solemnly swear to make the next part better! ^__^ Whatever will Die say to Kaoru? I'm sure everybody's figured it out by now...can't seem to keep a secret to save my life! Anyhow, stay tuned, dear reader, for Part Two.
To be continued
To the next part