Anything But Lonely
by Psy
PART ONE
Each time you stepped into Kyo's apartment, it was a surprise. You never knew what you'd find strewn about on the floor. Kaoru wondered briefly about what he might have to step around before the door opened.
"Hey." Kyo's voice was husky and a little shaky. Behind him, the apartment was pitch black save for what illumination streamed through the windows from the street lamps outside. Kaoru eyed him suspiciously.
"You're having another anxiety attack, aren't you?"
Kyo shook his blond head vehemently and took a couple steps back when Kaoru stepped closer. The guitarist's eyes scanned his face and noted the dilated pupils, the beads of sweat, and the slightly parted lips that struggled to force breath out at a normal rate when his heart was racing.
"Yes you are!" Kaoru accused, taking Kyo by the shoulders, kicking the door shut, and steering the smaller man to the couch. "Sit," he ordered. Kyo sat, his eyes wide as Kaoru sat next to him and turned him so that they faced each other. "Breath," Kaoru then commanded, taking a few deep breaths to get the other man started. Kyo did as he was told and soon his breathe slowly returned to normal. Well, close to normal.
"I'm better," Kyo said finally. "Thanks."
Kaoru pursed his lips contemplatively for a moment before sighing and relaxing his shoulders. "So, what brought it on?" he asked, his voice soft and gentle.
Kyo shifted his eyes and shrugged. "I dunno," he mumbled.
"Liar."
"Well why should I tell you?!" Kyo spat out defensively, scowling at the older man.
"Because I'm your friend and because I'm starting to worry about you and because maybe if you tell me, I can help." Kaoru replied patiently.
Dammit, Kyo thought. Why does he always have to make such perfect sense? His scowl deepened. "No," he said stubbornly.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Kaoru leaned back and sighed, staring at the dark ceiling and Kyo sat slumped forward, arms crossed at his chest, pouting and staring at the floor.
"Fine," Kaoru said suddenly, jumping to his feet. "Where's that new game you were so excited to show me?"
Kyo stared up at him blankly. Game? It was a game? What game? he asked himself. If his life depended on it, he would not be able to remember what game it was that Kaoru was referring to at that moment. His mouth opened and before he knew what he was saying, he blurted it out.
"I'm lonely."
"What?" Kaoru asked quietly after a moment.
Shocked and embarassed by the admission, Kyo shook his head. "Nothing..."
"No, not nothing," the older man said as he sat back down. "What do you mean you're lonely?"
"I mean nothing," Kyo insisted. "Forget I said anything."
"Kyo..."
"What do you want me to say?!" the small blond yelled abruptly. "It's embarassing, okay? It's embarassing and stupid and weak and fuckig pathetic! I'm afraid to be alone! I hate it. I dread coming home and sitting here by myself feeling sorry for myself because I've got no one; no but me. And I'm terrified that's how it'll be forever! I don't wanna be alone forever! I don't wanna die alone..." His voice cracked and trailed off. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned from Kaoru. Once again, his heart was beating fast and his breath cmoing in short little gasps. His face was bright red, evident even in the darkness of their surroundings. He felt tears sting his eyes and that only made him angrier and more embarassed.
Kaoru sat stunned. Never had he imagined that Kyo felt such fear and despair. His heart went out to the man sitting beside him, shaking with his emotional confession.
"Gomenasai," Kyo whispered after a moment. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. Heh...lookit me, I'm apologizing. Funny, huh?" He forced a little chuckle.
"Don't," Kaoru put a hand on Kyo's shoulder. "Don't turn this into a joke. That's Die's area of expertise, anyhow." He shook his head and breathed deeply. "I didn't know you were lonely. It never even crossed my mind."
"It's okay."
"No, it isn't," Kaoru replied. "But...just...tell me what I can do to help. What do you want?"
Kyo turned his head to look at him. What a beautiful face, he thought as he drank in the soft mouth, the strong nose, the high cheekbones, and the dark eyes full of compassion. Did he dare say it?
He started slowly. "I...I want to feel wanted, needed, loved. I want someone to tell me that I'm not alone, that I don't have to be alone. I..." Kyo paused.
"Nan desu ka?" Kaoru urged, leaning forward slightly.
"I want someone to make me feel, if just for one night, anything but lonely."
His voice was barely at a whisper and he struggled to get the words out as his eyes focused on Kaoru's lips. He thought his mind was playing tricks on him for they seemed to get closer and closer until...
"I think I can do that..." Kaoru breathed softly.
And then those lips that Kyo thought he only imagined were getting nearer closed warmly on his own.
To be continued
To the next part