To Be Loved and To Love in Return
Hmm... another Deg alternate universe fic! The pairings are KaoruXTotchi, KyoXTotchi, DieXShinya! Umm, this is part one of four parts. The first segment of this is from Toshiya's point of view, the rest of the parts is from a third-person pov.
Oh yes, this is a REALLY late birthday fic for Mac-chan since "Till the End" is still not finished. X_x;; I decided to dedicate this one to her instead! ^^~~~!
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Ando Daisuke. Terachi Shinya. Two names which have been engraved in the textbooks and records of science and technology forever. The two greatest scientists to not only achieve wonders scientifically, but also managed to find 'true love'. Carving your name into time is hard enough, but finding 'true love' is even more of a challenge. That's the way it is in the storybooks, but in real life? That must have been a miracle, but miracles go against science. I suppose that's why even today, two hundred eighty-five years after the death of Ando-san, we still learn about them and their great accomplishments.
I suppose since you're here, you wouldn't mind a bit of a history lesson? I have lots of time anyway. Terachi Shinya was a famous clairvoyant psychiatrist; he used his second sight to help his patients more effectively. Ando Daisuke was a biologist working in a very experimental field: a project focused on making artificial intelligences and cybernetic life forms. They were engaged lovers, promised to each other since the day they were born. But it wasn't an arranged marriage which they hated, in fact they agreed quite readily, or so says the textbooks.
Both were incredible scientists. They were well-known for their prestigious work. Their future together looked spectacular, everything was doing fine. That is, until Terachi-san died. The cause has been written on paper as a car accident, though no one is quite so sure that is correct. The government tends to lie about these things, therefore no one can trust the information they teach. Anyway, somehow Terachi-san passed away. After the death of his beloved, Ando-san fell into a terrible code blue depression. For weeks he refused to eat, gaining nourishment through tube-feeding. The government didn't want to lose both of them after all. However during this time, he also refused to work. The government didn't need a worker who wouldn't work and was thinking of putting him out of his misery and writing it off as a suicide. This happened when Ando-san was twenty-five.
I suppose then he went crazy. Ando-san locked himself in the basement of his project's facilities. What happened during the two years which he remained in the subterranean center is yet unconfirmed (or simply classified information). Suddenly, after two years, Ando-san stepped out of the research dungeon. Standing at his side was Terachi-san.
This shocked everyone. After all, Terachi-san was dead. Wasn't he? Ando-san disclosed the fact that he had used his research and the underground facilities to re-animate his beloved. By use of cybernetics and other technological break-throughs, Terachi-san was once again alive. At first, everyone was happy. Rejoice! Rejoice! The world's greatest scientists are still alive! Rejoice! Rejoice! Ando-san has brought about great future! Rejoice! Rejoice! This is a turning point in science forever! Rejoice! Rejoice!
What happened next was another shocking event. Ando-san was still terribly depressed. The reason? Though he had re-animated Terachi-san, he hadn't brought him to life. Terachi-san was just like the other AI's which were mass produced by science - a soulless shell which simply resembled the psychiatrist, but owned no heart, no soul. Terachi-san could say he loved the other scientist, but it wasn't true. His heart (heart? what heart?) held no emotions such as love. Therefore, Ando-san was depressed and was almost over the edge. This happened when Ando-san was twenty-seven.
For the next three years of his life, Ando-san dedicated himself to finding Terachi-san's heart. He devoted himself completely to finding a way to restore his love's humanity. When he reached thirty, the way was discovered. Somehow, using an invention called the "God's Hand", Ando-san brought Terachi-san back to life. The world was once again shocked by his brilliance. By some odd 'miracle', an emotionless AI was gifted the power to smile, to hate, to laugh, to cry, to love. This happened when Ando-san was thirty.
The couple spent the next fives years in each other's arms, sharing a love which 'could not' be broken. For his thirty-fifth birthday, Terachi-san killed Ando-san. The reason? Classified information. Terachi-san strangled Ando-san to death, embracing him and kissing him. Ando-san died happily in his lover's arms. This happened when Ando-san was thirty-five. He died when he was thirty-five. So, what happened to Terachi-san? His emotions were abandoned; he said that he buried them with his love. He still is alive today in fact, but he's just another android, another soulless being which is used probably as a computer for some millionaire out there.
There you have it. Another fairy tale which doesn't end in a 'happily ever after'. Reality bites.
My name is Hara Toshimasa. I'm eighteen years old and going to graduate high school soon. Three years ago, I died. I was hit by a car. Two months after my death, my love asked that science re-animate me and that they did. I am re-animated. Two months after my death, my love asked that science bring me to life. I am still not alive. No scientist of today knows how to use Ando-san's "God's Hand", nor do they know of any alternative way. Either way, I am re-animated. I live for my love, though I'm not sure I really love him or even am capable of love. Life bites.
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Toshiya quickly put the notebook away. Since he was re-animated three years ago, the doctors had told him to remain faithful to a journal. He kept that journal religiously updated though he was also told to keep it secret from his lover. That he also remained faithful to. Kaoru had no clue that he kept a secret journal of what he learned. It wasn't filled with his thoughts or feelings, just observations. After all, as far as everyone else was concerned, Toshiya didn't really have feelings. He simply reacted to things in the way he was told to react. Recently, the doctors had told him to act "suspicious of everything" and "somewhat negative". Therefore, Toshiya found himself suspecting everything. Their programming was excellent.
Earlier, he had been questioning how much trust the public should place in the ever-failing government. He had also been wondering about the whole Ando/Terachi Scientific Fairy Tale since that was the topic of their recent science lessons. The Ando/Tearchi Scientific Fairy Tale has been taught to them every year since before they met in primary school, though each year they added some new information to it. That really didn't help strengthen Toshiya's 'opinion' of the government. Then, he had suddenly gotten to questioning Kaoru's 'love' for him.
It was a strange thing to do. Questioning Kaoru's 'love' for Toshiya was like questioning the reason he was still walking and breathing. Such a question should have never appeared in his mind, but unfortunately the doctors' programming was excellent. Did Kaoru really love him? Did he really love Kaoru? No, he didn't love Kaoru. After all, he wasn't capable of love. The doctors always reminded him that. Even Kaoru reminded him that he was a heartless AI sometimes. But then again, he was told to be skeptic and negative - perhaps they were wrong? Perhaps he was capable of love? In that case, did he really love Kaoru?
Toshiya shook his head. Too much thinking for one day. His AI mind was beginning to ache. ~Perhaps I should request a program change soon...~ he thought. ~This one is beginning to make my head swirl.~ His eyes traveled to the telephone mounted on the wall. Sighing, he walked away.
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Kaoru stood on the train, holding on a handrail. It was so packed at this time of day that getting a seat was impossible. People crowded around him, the air was choking. His really light backpack hit against his side with the movements of the train. His breathing was calm and slow compared to the violently passing scenery outside. His mind thought back to the blue-haired beauty waiting for him at home. ~How does that God's Hand work anyway? Why could it work for Ando and me for me? Then again, perhaps it is just a fairy tale.~
He reached into his bag and pulled out a small piece of paper. His eyes quickly read over the scribblings for the millionth time. He sighed to himself, even as a hand emerged from the crowd and landed on his shoulder. "Kaoru? Kaoru, is that you?" The purple locks brushed against the pale hand lightly as his head turned. Kaoru found himself staring into the deep black eyes of an old friend. "Kyo?"
The smile which emerged from under the frizzy head of blonde hair was all Kaoru needed to know that he had guessed correctly. "Kyo-kun! O-isashiburi desu, ne?" He smiled, turning to face the short blonde boy. It had been years since they last met. Three years to be exact. "Unn, isashiburi yo!" Kyo gave him a thumbs up as Kaoru asked, "What brings you into this city again? I thought you said you were gone for good. Never returning again and here you are! So, what's the deal?"
Kyo felt somewhat slighted, as if the violet haired young man was telling him to get out of town again. And that was probably the case. "I would've never come back, but I did. Why? I thought I'd check up on how you and Toshiya are. Just visiting my two only friends in the world. So, how are you guys?" Kyo smiled, wondering if Kaoru was even slightly suspicious. Kaoru's head tipped to the side slightly. "We've been fine. I think we're finally getting somewhere." Kaoru's look was almost mischievous. Kyo looked confused. "I think I can finally bring my love to life." He held the piece of paper which was covered in scraggly handwriting before Kyo's eyes. Kyo made a funky face. "Really?"
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Kaoru separated from Kyo at the train station, supposedly losing him, but purposely shaking him off somewhere in the large crowd. The blonde looked around frantically, but once he couldn't catch sight of him, he immediately recognized that he had just been played. Kaoru knew all the time and Kaoru wasn't going to let him near Toshiya. "Damn him!" He ran off into the direction of the old apartment which the three used to share.
Toshiya sat at the dinner table, idly twisting his chopsticks through the warm ramen. He hadn't eaten much of it and it was cooling already. A good three-fourths of the noodles were still stilling in the cooling liquid. A single ramen strand was slapping against his bottom lip as he quietly slurped it up. Kaoru's key hit against the lock dully. As soon as the sound echoed through the nearly empty apartment, Toshiya slurped the rest of the noodle down. His eyes settled on the door, his chopsticks slowing to a complete stop. ~I suppose that would mean he's home.~ The same thought went through his mind again, the same thought which had gone through his mind so many years before. He dropped his chopsticks into the bowl and walked over to the door, wondering whether or not he should open it before Kaoru went through the trouble of actually unlocking it first.
The door opened in his face, nearly hitting him. Toshiya jumped backwards, slamming against the wall behind him. Kaoru's eyes locked on his, for a while they stood in that position, simply staring at each other. Finally, Kaoru smiled. "I think I can finally bring you back to life, my love." Toshiya cocked his head to the side. ~Should I feel happy?~ "Oh." That was the only thing he could think of to say.
"Aren't you happy?" For a while the two stood staring at each other. Kaoru sighed. ~Oh yeah... I forgot that he can't be happy, ne?~ Toshiya finally shrugged. "I suppose I am..." The purple haired young man pushed himself against the blue haired one, leaning him against the wall. "I know I sure am happy. Soon, you'll be able to love me again..." Kaoru began to kiss him, though there was no fire, no passion, no want, no need. It was just physical contact - the same as a shake of the hands, a pat on the back, a slap in the face. A kiss which was simply casual, the same feeling Toshiya had since his death. ~To love him again...~ Toshiya blinked even as Kaoru's eyes were shut tight. ~That's right, isn't it? I'm incapable of love as I am...~
Without breaking the kiss, Kaoru began to lead his love down the hall towards the small bedroom they shared. The room was small and simple, white walls and white ceiling. There was a single spherical lamp which dimly lit the entire space. The floor was covered in the traditional tatami mat and there were two futons. One was almost always spread out on the floor, this was the one they shared. The other lay under a pile of clothing, worn and newly washed. Laundry was something that both tended to neglect, only when hide came over and reminded them that they needed to wash their clothes did they actually do something about it.
Kaoru lay Toshiya down on the spread futon, beginning to unbutton his love's shirt. The blue haired AI simply watched without saying a word or taking any action. They had done this before; what did Kaoru expect to happen? He would suddenly gain his human heart again in the heat of passion and lust? Passion and lust? Those words rang no bell of love in Toshiya's mind. His heart remained steady in its beats, his breathing remained true. No sign was let loose that he felt even the slightest bit excited; Kaoru learned that with a frown once he had gotten Toshiya's boxers off.
The 'love-making' they had that night was the same as every night before - empty. Kaoru was more desiring of the passion and the lust than the actual closeness with his love. This made Toshiya wonder ever more strongly: What if Kaoru didn't really love him? What if Kyo was correct all those years ago? Yet, his programming made it hard for him to think that Kaoru's love was untrue. After all, it was Kaoru who had given him a second chance at living! Of course he loved him! Of course he did...
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Kyo arrived at the broken down apartment building. The burnt wood and crumbled walls welcomed him, as did the memories of hellfire and death. Yes, 'twas in the fire which condemned this building did he lose his loved one... Around him, fresh white snow began to fall. It coated over the serene scene of death and masked the pain which went coupled with the memories. ~Toshiya... Why won't you believe me when I say I love you?~
For a long time Kyo stood in that snowfall, watching as the little angels landed upon the ground around him. In each one, he was reminded of Toshiya's beautiful, yet cold smile and the fire which melted it. He would show Kaoru - Toshiya was rightfully his. Now and forever, he was the only one who loved Toshiya and no one could love the blue haired one more.
Kyo squeezed the cold metal in his hand until its sharp edges bit into his skin and the crimson drops stained the snow wherever they fell. Biting back the memories, tears stained his cheeks. Somehow, Kyo had to believe in the power of the God's Hand, in the fairy tale of Ando Daisuke and Terachi Shinya. Somehow, he knew he had to. It was just so hard though...
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There! ^o^ What do you think? Umm... please R&R!
To Be Continued
To the next part