Cry Out, My Angel
This is an X Japan one shot I wrote during computer class and finished sitting on the library's steps waiting for my ride home. Anyway, I think it's pretty sweet, pretty sad, but hey it was a nice idea, right? It's between Yoshiki and hide, they're both thinking and they don't know the other's thoughts really - hide only knows some of what Yoshiki is thinking.
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I cry when I see you, even through you happy times. I should be happy that you're happy, but I can't stop that bitter feelings of despair. It's not that I don't want you to be happy, it's just that I wish I could be there smiling, laughing, living with you still.
Was X really so bad that you would cry all the time? Why were your days leading us always drowned in endless rain? Was there some pain that kept your tears falling? Was it me? Our days as X were enjoyable, I feel that if you had not asked me to join X then my life would have been wasted. Thank you so much, Yoshiki. Though I was happy with X, why were you so sad?
You're my best friend you know. I know that I'm just a normal friend and Toshi is your real best friend, but I consider you my best friend. I watched you smile, but all the while you cried inside and that hurt me more than anything else. I'm sorry, Yoshiki. I only added to your pain.
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Looking up at the night sky, are you somewhere up in the heavens playing amongst the endless fields of stars in absolute paradise? Are you up there somewhere, graving the angels with your guitar's song? Are you preening the pink angel's wings on your back or are you twirling your golden halo around you finger? Are you somewhere up there in a place of true freedom? Are you really dead hide-chan?
Don't think that because I've moved on that I've forgotten all you've done for me. I like to think I'm living on with your spirit holding my hand and guiding me throughout all the pain of life. I still hold my precious memories of you close to my heart, inside my heart.
To me, you were more precious than Toshi and X. Though Toshi was my best friend and X was my life, you were my love. Up until now and until the day I die you will always be the most important person to me because I love you hide-chan. It seems so easy to say now that you're gone. If only the words could so easily flow from my tongue while you were still alive... if only I had the courage to tell you how I felt... Hopefully it's not too late and I can still see you when I join you in heaven.
You asked me many times why I was always so sad. I'm sure you didn't mean to, but you carved so many of the scars on my heart. Every practice, every gig, every recording, ever tour, ever concert, I would see you. You even considered me your best friend... but I'm selfish. I wanted to be so much more than just your best friend, I wanted to be your lover. But you never thought of me in that light. You'd always say that we were friends. If I were to accidently ruin that beautiful relationship with my feelings of want, I would have to kill myself. I didn't want to lose you..
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"Without You" - a beautiful, but short piano song. You've written it for your fans who supported you since the time of X and also for 'your friend in heaven'. Well, Yoshiki, what would you do if your friend didn't go to heaven? How would you feel if you discovered that your friend hide really want to hell? I know it's probably one of the last things you'd want to think about, but it's the truth.
Death by suicide - did you really think they'd let me in? Accidental suicide by drunkeness - drunkeness and suicide are both grave sins. Sure, I had been a great person throughout my life, the Book of Matsumoto's Hideto's Life states I've always thought of other people's feelings before my own. My life was good enough to reach paradise, but my death is what stained me and instead of flying with the other angels, I am now damned to be ever tortured by demons.
Forever to feel the pain of the whip and chain, an eternity in which I can remember the good and the bad of my life, all that I can bear on my shoulders. The only thing I can't handle is watching you life each day thinking I am in the heavens...
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When I reach you, will you remember me? Will you smile and greet me with your friendly embrace? Could things be like old times again? Will we still be friends? I hope to see you again, hide. Until the day I meet you in heaven, I'll live each day to the fullest in your memory. I look forward to our reunion.
You know, until recently I haven't been able to visit your grave without crying and breaking down. Simply looking at photos or watching videos with you in them made me feel faint. Listening to your voice singing your songs or talking on recorded media gave me feelings of nostalgia. Acknowledging you death and overcoming the pain was so hard, hide-chan. But look! I left you a bouquet of red roses in memory of X on your grave. I even included a card - with love From Yoshiki.
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So Yoshiki, who hurt who in our relationship? You hurt yourself by not admitting your love to me, I hurt you by not telling you sooner than I felt the same. I hurt you because of my death, you hurt me by living and all the while thinking I'm in heaven. You hope you'll meet me agani, it's one of the only reasons you live, and yet you won't see me afer your death. You'll go to heaven and not find me and you'll get even more hurt and I can't warn you of the pain. This pain is unbearable... Yoshiki...
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These are my final moments, my angel hide. Soon we'll be together again. I've lived for this moment, the years have been so hard and lonely. We'll finally be reunited, hide-chan...
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The ex-drummer, now famous producer is rushed into the hospital. His heart is still beating, though it's slowly fading. The doctors are rushing; the line runs horizontal.
"He's gone."
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Some high above the pain of earth, where the angels play among the endless fields of stars and enjoy their perfect freedom, the recently deceased Yoshiki asks a single question which breaks the heart of his love in the torturous plain he was condemned to, "Where is my angel hide?"
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Please R&R! Thanks! **hands to reader tissues**