Bound by Blood
Track Eight: Longing
Background for the Story: Yoshiki and Shinya are cousins. Shinya is present day 17 years old and Yoshiki is 19. ^__^
ummm... here:
"..." - dialogue, what is really said
~...~ - thoughts, what the people think
//...// - flashback, what they remember
**...** - what Shinya hears come out from people's mouths
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//Why am I like this?// Shinya pondered to himself. //Why am I so disappointing to myself and to others that I can't even beat my cousin once in anything? Things that I think I'm great in... I just fail. I can't prove my worth to myself and I can't live up to the expectations of anyone. I sicken myself. So disgusting.//
Shinya held the painter's brush at a strange angle, the doctors were outside discussing progression or regression. With a sturdy and strong drummer's hand, Shinya tore through the skin on his wrist using the metal portion holding the bristles of the brush and pulled, leaving a thick, deep gash along the visible vein. Nearly immediately, the doctors once preoccupied came to Shinya's 'rescue', calling out to others "Call first-aid!"
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The pen streaked across the paper, drawing random lines and circles, absolutely destroying the organization of the music score. Kaoru looked up at Die who had said he was writing 'music'. It seemed Die's artistic creativity got the best of him as he ended up drawing a very familiar person. The red-haired guitarist's glazed eyes soon focused to discover that he had drawn a beautiful redition of the missing auburn haired drummer. He quickly grabbed up the paper and hid it behind his back, peeking at the fearless leader for signs if he had seen Die's scribble session. Kaoru burst into laughter.
"Don't try to hide it, Die," Kaoru's eyes glinted slightly, a little odd coming from his usual stoic and calm. "I can tell you love him. I can hear it in the way you play your guitar- don't think I'm stupid." Die sighed and Kaoru ruffled his hair. "Not only that, but I think it's kind of cute."
"CUTE!?" Die nearly burst. "You think my feelings for him are CUTE?!" He collapsed farther into the plushy couch. "I don't think so... I mean, even though I really love him, we're both GUYS. All my life I have dedicated myself to be *straight*. I can't believe this is happening to me!" Die hit his head against the table and whispered, "But if he knew... I mean, if he knew I didn't want to love him but my crazy emotions forced me to... how much more would he mourn? How much more would that hurt him? Kaoru, I don't want to hurt him anymore, but I don't want to love him..."
Kaoru pulled Die into a warm embrace. "You can't choose who you love, Die. That's not something in your power. Even if you two are guys, gender shouldn't matter. What matters is that you're in love with him and you'll always be unless your feelings swing some other direction. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that: You love Shinya." Die scoffed and coughed a bit. "And you can't do anything to change that. It's a fact."
"I'm stupid, aren't I?" Die started laughing into the pink-haired man's chest. "I know I can't change my feelings, I can't steal back my heart from whoever is able to take it captive. I can't... I love Shinya... ha ha, if only it were able to tell him that instead of *you*. Ha ha, I love you, Shinya..."
//Maybe assylums are contagious,// Kaoru thought, watching the other guitarist cry into his chest that he loved the drummer as his whole being shook with sobs of happiness and despair all at the same time. //Either way, Die and I are the same. We both love someone, that we'd rather not love.// Dir en Grey's fearless leader held the younger guitarist close and stroked his hair comfortingly. //Someone we'd rather not... Love sucks.//
The phone began to ring. In another room, a voice (recognizable as Toshiya's) yelled, "I'll get it!" They could hear Toshiya's footsteps as he raced toward the ringing. Die pulled himself away from Kaoru, the latter obviously not wanting to release the former, but eventually giving in. //Yeah, love sucks.// "Hey guys!" Toshiya came running into the room and stepped back for a while. The sight of Kaoru and Die sitting so close together while Die had tear-struck cheeks did not register as correct in the bassist's mind. Clearing his throat, he continued "Taihen desu! We have to get to Shinya right away!"
Die stood immediately, grabbing the bassist by the shoulders and demanding, "What happened?!" Kaoru stood up in the background and after hearing the message that the blue head relayed, he quickly said, "Hurry up then! I'll drive!"
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Shinya sat, staring blankly at the light pink wall before him. He was in isolation, the doctors hoping that the calming effects of the color would work. His arms were safely strapped into a straight jacket - his wrist? Fully bandaged. The room was filled with the quiet hummings of Raison D'etre that the drummer emit using his vocal chords. Other than that, the room was silent.
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It was around noontime - lunchtime. Yoshiki was alone since hide had went out to lunch with Taiji and Heath... the dual drummer/pianist would have gone - but he and Taiji weren't exactly on the greatest terms with each other. Pata was sleeping in his apartment next door and since company wasn't very important to him unless it was hide's company, the leader of X let him sleep. Toshi, his best friend, had gone with his girlfriend again for yet another cult gathering.
//I'm getting a little suspicious,// rattled through his mind as a train passed by outside. //hide told me that he's acting a little strange... actually, I sort of noticed that myself. I wonder, what could be wrong?//
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"So anyway, I was thinking," hide said as he sipped at his lemonade. "Toshi's been acting a little strange ever since he started joining that cult-thingy." Heath shook his head promptly and corrected his elder, "Actually he's been acting that way since he hooked up with Kaori-san." Taiji nodded his agreement and the younger bassist continued, "I personally think she's got to do with his alternations."
"The odd part is," Taiji started, "is that Kaori hates X. I don't understand why he's go out with a bitch who doesn't support him, but she told me straight out one day. That she'd make Toshi hers and all hers and steal him away from X... I don't get it, but I know something's wrong."
hide put on a detective-like look and concluded their little talk with: "And it's up to us to find out what! Hahahahaha!!!"
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"Shinya! Where is he?" Die nearly knocked Kiyonobu-sensei over. "I need to see him!" The purple haired doctor pushed the crazed guitarist off of him and cleared his throat. "He's in iso right now. He'll be out in five minutes or so, so could you wait a while? I promise you he'll be out in a couple moments so you'll get to visit, ne?"
Die sat down on the chair next to Shinya's normal white room. Sakito stood nearby, watching the second hand tick with Die. To the indies vocalist, time was passing perfectly. To the major guitarist, the second hand lingered a bit on each little line just to tease and taunt him. Finally, Sakito's voice punctured the air.
"You guys really care about him, don't you?" Die looked shocked and turned to the orderly. "I mean, you're always here, watching and waiting for him." The blue head laughed a little and then said, "I wish I could say I've got friends as great as you." Down the hall, a nurse started running in the direction of the dejected guard, but was quickly grabbed away by another doctor who needed his aid. "I mean, you're so... I don't know how to say this... but you're so... together."
Die turned to the young man and blinked a couple times. //Could he somehow know my feelings? Can he sense the way I feel for Shinya? Is that even possible?// Sakito smiled at the clock and continued, "It's like you haven't lost hope yet- that you could visit him numerous times and each time smile so strongly. That's a great sign. It's good to hold onto hope, love, whatever else you can. Because that way you'll make it through."
The red-haired guitarist was about to answer him, but then the final tick of the clock passed. Die's head turned in the direction of an opening elevator door and saw a doctor and a nurse come out rolling his drummer out on a wheelchair.
"Shinya!" Die came running to him and hugged him tightly, crying fresh tears against the white robe. "Don't you ever do that again! Don't make me worry so much ever again! I'm not mad... I'm not mad, but don't hurt yourself anymore. Please, don't hurt yourself anymore..." Die continued crying, for the second time in the day showing his weakness out front.
Kaoru and Toshiya stood up from their positions on the couch, whereas Warumono stayed asleep. "Die... Shinya..." Toshiya smiled and hooked his arm on Kaoru's. //They're all here...// Shinya thought. //They're all here... but why? To see me? Why? Why would they come for me?// Shinya looked at Die's crying self. //Why is he crying? Is it because he wanted to help me and I was the one who hurt myself? I'm sorry, Die-kun, I'm sorry for being such a pain..."
Shinya returned Die's embrace and whispered, "Gomen nasai, Die-kun. I won't... I won't do it again... gomen..." Together they cried in each other's arms. The doctors poked at Die and said, "Sorry for breaking your terribly sweet reunion, but we have to get Terachi-san back into his room."
"Ah! Sorry..." Die bowed after releasing the drummer. "Can I... go inside with him?" The doctors nodded and added a "Hai!" For extra emphasis. Die's smile lit up and he bowed once again announcing, "Arigatou gozaimashita!"
In the short time it took for them to roll the wheelchair inside, many thoughts rang through Shinya's ears. //Why is he doing this for me? Why does he keep trying to help me? Could it really mean that... he's trying to help me? But why, why would you do that for me? Die-kun...//
To Be Continued
To the next part