More than Words
~ By Lizzie ~
DISCLAIMER: I own neither the song nor the band. One is American one is Japanese (hah, guess which is which!).
***
//Sayin’ I love you is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you not to say it but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel//
"I love you," the words were whispered poignantly as a hand was grabbed and surreptitiously kissed. Toshiya tried to pull his hand away after he said the words, but Kaoru wouldn’t let him. The hallway outside of Kaoru’s apartment was dark, and nothing could be seen of the two bishounen but their silhouettes against the door. Toshiya couldn’t see the pained look in Kaoru’s eyes as he felt the tall slim bassist try to reclaim his hand.
"Toshiya, you say that every night…"
"And I mean it every night…" Toshiya replied softly. Kaoru shook his head, unbeknownst to the younger man who couldn’t see the subtle movement.
‘But how many other times have you said it to different people…?’ The thought was left unspoken, but the implications it held with it still stung Kaoru’s heart. "You always say it but you never show it. You won’t even let me hold your hand for longer than ten seconds." Toshiya looked down and began chewing on the thumbnail of his right hand, knowing that Kaoru had him there.
"I’m sorry, Kao-chan…" was all he said in reply. Kaoru sighed and turned to open his door.
"Good night, Totchi," he said, wishing he could kiss the lips of his love, but knowing that Toshiya wouldn’t let him get near his mouth. Toshiya sighed sadly, inaudibly.
"Good night, Kaoru."
//More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know//
Kaoru paced his apartment in the dark after Toshiya left. Thoughts of the other’s loyalty were running through his head.
"There must be a reason why you won’t show me how you feel… All you give me is words. Talk is cheap Toshiya, you know that and I know that. Are you fooling around with someone?" Kaoru tried to push thoughts like that away, but they kept creeping back up on him. He didn’t want to distrust Toshiya, but he couldn’t help it for some reason.
Kaoru made his way to the bedroom, wishing desperately that Toshiya were with him. Angrily he brushed away at tears that hadn’t fallen but he could feel forming. "Do you realize how much you hurt me with your words…?" The contradiction was ironic; that Kaoru was hurt by Toshiya’s utterances of love. But it was true, when the words weren’t accompanied by the actions. To Kaoru they were hollow.
//What would you do if my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel that your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away?
Then you couldn’t make things new just by sayin’ I love you//
The next day in the studio, Kaoru was a study in cool politeness. He nodded to each member as they arrived, but said nothing. Everyone was wary of an aloof Kaoru, but practice went smoothly, so there really was nothing to worry about. Until the break. Kaoru pulled Toshiya away from the group before he could go anywhere and hide out. Toshiya willingly followed him to the deserted hallway.
"What is it, Kao-chan?" he asked, trying to break the tension that was already thick in the air. Kaoru didn’t bite, just stared at Toshiya. Toshiya began getting worried, and wrung his hands behind his back. Finally Kaoru spoke.
"Do you love me?" Toshiya blinked in surprise at the question.
"What?" Kaoru repeated it slowly.
"Do. You. Love. Me?" Toshiya inhaled slowly as he wondered what made Kaoru bring this up. Kaoru merely waited for a response.
"Of course I do! I tell you every night that I do, don’t I?" Toshiya forced a laugh, hoping that this would be the end of it.
"Then why don’t you show it? Are you cheating on me?" Toshiya’s mouth dropped open in shock.
"Cheating? What makes you think that I’m cheating?" He was aghast at the suggestion, but Kaoru didn’t seem to notice.
"You never touch me, I always touch you. You never kiss me. All you ever do is say the words. It hurts, you know." Kaoru looked into Toshiya’s eyes, and glanced away quickly. "Right here. It hurts badly." Kaoru reached around Toshiya’s back and pulled one of his hands to his chest, placing the string-callused fingers over his heart. Toshiya made no attempt to pull away. He could feel the gentle beating of Kaoru’s heart beneath his fingers, and it kept him grounded in reality.
"Ka… Kaoru, I…" Toshiya stuttered, not knowing what to say to alleviate the sadness that had suddenly formed on his love’s face. Kaoru shook his head.
"How do I know that you really love me?" he whispered.
"But I DO!" Toshiya’s voice was a fierce whisper. Kaoru sighed. Toshiya was near tears. "Why don’t you believe me?" he asked frantically. The guitarist finally looked up from staring at a spot on the floor.
"Don’t say the words."
"What?"
"For a week, don’t say ‘I love you’, show me."
"How am I supposed to do that?"
"If you can’t manage that, then you don’t really love me."
"But Kao-chan…"
"Please, Toshiya." Toshiya sighed, and then nodded slowly.
"Ok. I’ll try."
//More than words//
‘How am I supposed to SHOW him how I feel? I’ve never been any good at expressing my emotions…’ Toshiya pondered his situation as practice continued. Kaoru’s request kept running through his head. ‘Fanservice doesn’t count, that’s just for fun… Maybe it would be kind of like fanservice though…’ He really didn’t know what he would do, or what the consequences of failure were. ‘Maybe Kaoru will break it all off. I can’t lose him! I LOVE HIM!’
A tear slipped unnoticed past Toshiya’s half-closed eyelid and dripped onto his hand as he plucked the strings of his bass. His hand faltered and he stopped in the middle of the song they were rehearsing. With the absence of the bass line, the music was thin, and everyone eventually turned to him to see what the problem was. Toshiya looked up with tear-filled eyes and smiled through them; before he unplugged his bass from the amp and walked away amidst the earsplitting squeal the amp made in protest. No one made a move to stop him.
//Now that I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands
And touch me hold me close don’t ever let me go//
Kaoru was torn inside. He didn’t realize that this would cause Toshiya so much pain, but then again he was in pain to. The seeming sincerity of the words Toshiya lavished on him didn’t make up for lack of action to back them.
He didn’t understand how Toshiya didn’t seem to know what to do. It wouldn’t be so much to show Kaoru how he felt. A touch now and again, a simple brush of his lips against Kaoru’s skin… He longed for romance, but didn’t want to say it out loud, for fear of sounding weak and corny.
‘Maybe I should tell him what I want…’ Kaoru mused as he put his equipment away. The practice had ended with Toshiya leaving. ‘No…’ he rethought, ‘it wouldn’t mean as much if it wasn’t his own ideas.’ "Just touch me…" Kaoru said out loud without realizing it. One of the others asked him what he had said and he whirled around, startled. "Nothing," he said shortly. Drawing in a deep breath, Kaoru walked out of the studio, leaving the others to finish cleaning up. "Just touch me…" he repeated, putting his whole heart into the three simple words. He wrapped his arms around himself, longing for Toshiya’s touch.
//More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know//
Three days until the end of Toshiya’s week-long experiment. Three days until he found out the consequences of his lack of ability to show his feelings to Kaoru without words. Three days until his world ended.
Toshiya was in agony. The lack of knowledge was eating him alive, driving him to the brink of insanity, but not over. His love for Kaoru held him on the cusp, not letting him take a headlong dive into the unknown.
It was an evening like any other. Kaoru and Toshiya were spending it together at Kaoru’s apartment, but there was an unusual lack of conversation. The silence was deafening. In unison, they sighed; it was getting late, and they had practice tomorrow. Toshiya got up and stretched, Kaoru following suit. They walked to the door, pausing for the formalities of saying goodbye. Kaoru was disappointed with how this entire thing was turning out, but he refused to give up hope yet.
Toshiya turned the knob of the door, but let his hand rest there before opening it. He turned to face Kaoru, his head slightly tilted with a small but sad smile on his face. This last week they’d acted more like acquaintances than lovers. And the strain was starting to show on both of their faces.
"Good night, Kao-chan," Toshiya said quietly. Kaoru dipped his head in acknowledgement of the words.
"’Night." Toshiya pulled the door slightly open, but on an impulse turned back and reached for Kaoru’s hand. He brought it slowly to his face and caressed his cheek with it. The gentle movement was ended with a kiss to Kaoru’s palm, before he dropped the hand and opened the door fully, walking out. Kaoru listened to the muffled echo of Toshiya’s footsteps on the carpeted hallway’s floor.
A silver tear glistened on his cheek.
An ecstatic smile set itself upon his lips.
//What would you do if my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel that your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away?
Then you couldn’t make things new just by sayin’ I love you//
"Totchi, why did it take you so long to show your feelings?" Kaoru was snuggled up against Toshiya’s shoulder as they sat together on Kaoru’s couch, idly watching TV. Toshiya was silent for a moment before he answered Kaoru’s question.
"Well… I’ve been such a… such a player, I guess. I don’t usually touch people tenderly. Words are so much easier to play with. And I didn’t know HOW to touch you I guess. I didn’t want to touch you wrong and have you think that I was just trying to get you into bed or something…" Kaoru’s attention was raptly focused on Toshiya as he explained. "I wanted our relationship to be special. I wanted to go slow, to savor everything… I didn’t want to lose you."
"Toshiya…" Kaoru breathed, afraid to break the spell that had come over the room as Toshiya spoke.
"I didn’t know how to touch someone I truly loved. In truth, I’ve never TRULY loved anyone before… before you."
Fingers entwined.
Lips met.
Words ceased to be important.
//More than words//
They shared an intimate glance. Wordlessly they embraced each other tenderly. Toshiya took the initiative and ran his hands gently along Kaoru’s back, eliciting shivers from the guitarist. Both sighed in contentment. Toshiya smiled tenderly and lost himself in the depth of his love’s eyes.
Neither needed words now. They knew how the other felt.
~Owari~