Broken Trust
~ By Lizzie ~
DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I do not own Dir en Grey. I only use them for fanfiction purposes and dream about them. Oh, and listen nonstop to their music!! ^^
Have you ever been taken advantage of because of the way you look? I have. How about having your friend being the one taking advantage? Seems impossible, huh� I wanted to call it date rape, but� he�s my best friend�
* * *
Toshiya putting the final touches on his already impeccable makeup. Puckering his perfect lips, he admired his reflection in the mirror. It was beautiful, as always. At last satisfied with his appearance, the blue-haired bassist of Dir en Grey left the bathroom to wait. He was going clubbing with his best friend and vocalist of Dir en Grey, Kyo. Toshiya had been looking forward to this night all week. He had suffered through some of the most grueling band practices ever thanks to band leader and guitarist Kaoru. Toshiya didn�t blame Kaoru though. They were about to record a new album, and Die had begun to slack off. Kaoru didn�t mean to take his anger out on everyone, but it happened and no one could control it.
This morning, in fact, Die had shown up half an hour late. This set Kaoru into a dangerous mood. After that he jumped all over the case of anyone who made a mistake, even a tiny one. Toshiya had plucked the wrong string of his bass and received a ten minute lecture on the importance of practice outside of band practice. But Kyo had gotten it worse. During one of the songs, Kyo had to cough and he couldn�t suppress it. So he coughed in the middle of the chorus. That had earned him nearly half an hour about taking care of his voice and himself, and questions as to why he couldn�t have held it in until a spot where he didn�t have to sing. The practice seemed to drag on forever. Everyone was grateful when Kaoru had finally released them around midafternoon. When all the equipment was put away, Die and Shinya went off to see a movie; Kaoru had gone to his apartment to pick out every mistake in the music; and Kyo and Toshiya had each gone to their own apartments to prepare for that evening.
They had planned this for weeks. They didn�t often get a chance to go out and do things together, so this was a real occasion. And they both loved going to night clubs. It may have taken a couple of glasses of alcohol to get Kyo to loosen up enough to dance with wild abandon, but he liked going anyway. As for Toshiya, he was a party animal! Whenever someone asked him to dance, male or female, he needed no more beckoning. The dance floor was where you�d usually find him when he went to a club.
Toshiya looked at the clock and wondered what was keeping Kyo. They were supposed to leave in fifteen minutes, and he hadn�t even arrived yet.
�Maybe he overslept,� Toshiya thought to himself. Kyo had mentioned something about taking a nap before they went, so that he wouldn�t be tired too soon. And Kyo sometimes slept through his alarm clock.
Toshiya got up and began pacing the room, his heels making no noise on the carpet. After a couple of minutes of that, he decided to phone Kyo to see what was keeping him. He picked up the phone and had begun to dial Kyo�s number when a knock sounded on the door. Toshiya put the phone down and went over to answer it.
"There you are!" he said, opening the door. But the person standing there wasn�t Kyo at all, it was Shinya.
"Hm, didn�t know you were expecting me," Shinya said, grinning at Toshiya. Toshiya�s face fell when he was who it was. "Hey, you don�t have to be that disappointed," Shinya pouted.
"I�m sorry, but Kyo and I are supposed to go out tonight, and he�s going to be late in five minutes," Toshiya explained.
"Ooooh, Toshiya and Kyo are going out on a date!" Shinya exclaimed. Toshiya tried to smack him on the head, but Shinya ducked.
"It�s not like that! He and I are just friends!" Toshiya was blushing madly and Shinya was giggling wildly.
"I know you want him to be more than your friend. You want him to be your koibito, don�t you?"
"Am I that easy to see through?� Toshiya asked Shinya. Shinya calmed down and smiled at the blue-haired man.
"No, but we�ve been friends for a while." Shinya patted Toshiya�s shoulder. "Does Kyo know that you like him?"
"Well I haven�t told him, that�s for sure! I don�t know if anyone besides you knows," Toshiya confessed.
"Die knows too," Shinya said, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
"How!?"
"I told him." Shinya had to dodge another attempted hit from Toshiya.
"Who else have you told?" Toshiya demanded. Shinya laughed.
"No one else, don�t worry your pretty blue head about it." Shinya smiled sweetly at Toshiya.
"Hey, you really think I look pretty?" Toshiya asked Shinya, twirling around to flare his knee length blue skirt and show off his sexy legs. Shinya laughed at Toshiya�s enthusiasm.
"If I liked you, I�d jump all over you," Shinya giggled. "You�re irresistible!" Toshiya grinned.
"Yeah, you know I�m sexy!" He twirled once more for effect. When he stopped, he met the stare of Kyo, who had walked silently up to Shinya and Toshiya. Toshiya looked down for a moment, suppressing a blush. Shinya watched Toshiya, wanting to burst out laughing.
"Who�re you trying to impress, Totchi?" Kyo asked, somehow unable to tear his eyes away from Toshiya. Toshiya let himself laugh nonchalantly.
"Everyone! I want everyone to look at me and want me tonight!" he exclaimed. �Especially you, Kyo�� he thought.
"Well you�re off to a good start," Shinya interjected. "I want you!"
"Really?" Toshiya looked surprised.
"No. But maybe if you try harder�" Shinya winked and turned around, leaving Kyo and Toshiya alone. "Ja!" he called over his shoulder, blowing them both a kiss. Toshiya waved at Shinya�s retreating form while Kyo merely stood there. When Shinya had finally gone out of sight around a corner, Toshiya turned his attention back to Kyo.
"You�re late," he stated, feeling his heart beat faster just looking at Kyo�s face.
"Yeah, my alarm didn�t wake me up," Kyo explained."
"Typical," Toshiya laughed. Kyo glared at him before breaking into a smile too.
"So are you ready to go?" Kyo asked the still-giggling man. Toshiya nodded.
"Yeah, let�s go!" They both left Toshiya�s apartment and went down to the parking lot.
"Do you want to take both cars?" Kyo asked. Toshiya shook his head.
"No, let�s both go in yours," he suggested. Kyo nodded in assent and both men walked to Kyo�s car. Kyo unlocked the door for both the driver�s and passenger�s sides, both climbed in, the car was started and soon they were on their way to the club.
* * *
Upon entrance, Toshiya and Kyo were met by the loud, pulsating beat of the music blasting throughout the club. Toshiya immediately put his hands above his head and began moving his body to the beat, while Kyo went over to the bartender and ordered a drink, keeping his eyes all the time on Toshiya. Toshiya, who had gotten himself into the middle of a group of dancers, winked and waved at him.
"He�s a party animal," Kyo said to himself, finishing off his first drink. He could feel the alcohol starting to affect him. He was getting a slight buzz.
The current song had ended and Toshiya left the throng of dancer who begged him to stay. He promised he�d be back later, and made his way over to Kyo. Sitting on a bar stool next to him, he also ordered a drink.
"Ne, Kyo, why don�t you come and dance with me?" Toshiya asked, taking a sip of his drink. Kyo shrugged.
"I will, don�t worry Toshiya," he said, downing his second drink of the night. Toshiya saw him place the glass next to another empty one and giggled.
"I have some catching up to do!" he observed. Flagging down the bartender, he ordered a second drink. The bartender shook his head in wonder; Toshiya wasn�t even halfway through with his first.
"Hey Totchi, maybe you should slow down," Kyo warned.
"Nah, I can handle it!" Toshiya exclaimed. Kyo rolled his eyes. He knew already that Toshiya was going to get sloshed, and he was going to end up taking him home half passed out.
�Oh well,� he thought, �let him have fun. Kaoru has been hard on all of us.� Thinking of Kaoru made him cringe. He hadn�t really meant to cough during practice that morning... It was an unexpected reaction to something he happened to have been thinking of at that moment.
It had been rather odd, he was thinking about sleeping. Kyo loved to sleep. Suddenly, Toshiya appeared in his little half-daydream. They were both in Kyo�s bed, and Toshiya had begun to unbutton his shirt. He had started to run his smooth fingers around his chest� Shivers had run down Kyo�s spine while he was singing. His eyes had flown open and he gasped in surprise, choking on saliva. That was the reason he had gotten chewed up and spit out by their beloved band leader. And Die had been giving him an odd look�
"Ne, Kyo-chan, dance with me," Toshiya tugged on Kyo�s sleeve. Kyo looked him from his reminiscing and saw that Toshiya had at least six empty glasses next to him. He glared at Toshiya for the �chan� but let the indignation fade.
"Toshiya, you need to learn how to pace yourself," Kyo advised the other man.
"Who cares? Dance with me!" Toshiya got up and pulled Kyo onto the dance floor, moving everything that would move rhythmically. Kyo tried to follow him, but was having a little bit of trouble. Finally, much to Kyo�s relief, a slow song came on. Kyo was about to go back to his seat back at the bar, but before he could, Toshiya pulled him close.
"Kyo-chan," he whispered, "don�t go yet. Stay and dance with me�" Toshiya put his head on Kyo�s shoulder and both began to sway with the music. Kyo didn�t know what to think. Here he was, the beautiful and sexy Toshiya wrapped in his arms, albeit reluctantly on Kyo�s part.
�He�s just drunk, he doesn�t know what he�s doing,� Kyo thought. �But then again, he may not be that drunk� Do I really like Toshiya in that way?� His thoughts were swirling around in his head as he and Toshiya spun around the floor. Soft lights flashed slowly, lending the scene a romantic atmosphere. Toshiya never once took his head off of Kyo�s shoulder. Occasionally Kyo would hear him mutter something, but the words were unintelligible. �It�s time to stop denying it, Kyo,� he told himself, �you love Toshiya more than anything in this world.�
"Kyo-chan," Toshiya muttered, bringing Kyo out of his reverie by burying his face in Kyo�s neck. Kyo instinctively rested his hand on the base of Toshiya�s neck.
"What is it, Totchi?" Kyo asked. Toshiya nuzzled Kyo and mumbled something that Kyo didn�t understand. "Wha?"
"I have to go to the bathroom," Toshiya repeated.
"Oh," Kyo said, taking his arms from around the blue-haired man, releasing him. Toshiya flashed a half-smile at him, and headed towards the bathroom. Kyo stood in the middle of the dance floor for a minute, then returned to his seat at the bar. He ordered yet another drink and nursed it slowly, thinking about things.
He had been Toshiya�s best friend for a while. They had hit if off from the start. Tough little Kyo who hated to be called �chan� or �kawaii�, and tall, pretty, sexy, flirtatious Toshiya. At first Kyo had fought the friendship, but after several failed attempts gave in to the inevitable. After a while, Kyo began to grow to like Toshiya, and soon they were able to talk about anything and everything.
�Well, except this�� Kyo thought to himself. For the past few months he had begun to harbor feelings for the beautiful bassist that were more than just friendly. Feelings that Kyo questioned all the time.
Tonight when he had laid eyes on Toshiya, he had wanted to let his jaw fall to the ground. Toshiya looked fantastic. Kyo felt the now-familiar feeling of desire well up in him as he remembered Toshiya spinning in his skirt and calling himself sexy. It was a huge feat he had performed just keeping his hands to himself this evening. He finished his drink and looked in the direction of the bathroom, wondering what was keeping Toshiya so long. He got up from his stool and decided to go look for him.
"Ready or not, Totchi, here I come�" he uttered to himself.
* * *
Toshiya had made it to the bathroom, but there was a bit of a line, so he stepped out to wait. He didn�t like to hang around public bathrooms. He leaned against the wall next to the door, his vision blurring. He tried to focus but was just too drunk. He sighed and shook his head, he always did this. He was about to back inside and check on the length of the line when a familiar head of hair caught his attention. It was bleached blonde and spiked in all directions.
"Kyo?" Toshiya questioned as the figure walked up. He went straight to Toshiya and put his arms around him. Toshiya gasped and smiled when he began kissing his neck. He began running his fingers through the surprisingly soft blonde hair and whispered Kyo�s name.
"Kyo-chan� I love you�" It was the first time that he had uttered those words aloud, and he felt himself blush slightly. Feeling no response, either negative or positive, he tried to kiss his love on the mouth, but missed and hit just below his right eye. Suddenly, things turned rough. Toshiya felt his hair being pulled painfully. He cried out in pain, and when he opened his mouth it was immediately taken over, being violated by someone else�s tongue. �Why are you doing this to me, Kyo?� Toshiya�s heart screamed as he felt a hand moving up inside his skirt. �I would have given this to you freely, you don�t have to take it from me��
In a moment of exquisitely painful agony, Toshiya knew what fear and pain truly were. He saw stars when he was violated in the worst way, and the only thing that kept him from crumpling to the floor was the body pressed against him, defiling him.
At last, when it was over and he was released, Toshiya fell to his knees with a sob that came from deep within him. He placed his head on the floor, and still able to feel the beat of the music around him, mercifully passed out before the kicking began.
* * *
Kyo was laughing at him. Mocking his pain. Crystal blue tears spilled onto Toshiya�s cheeks and dropped to the floor, shattering like glass.
"Why, Kyo?" Toshiya asked him, crestfallen. Kyo stopped laughing and caressed Toshiya�s cheek gently. Toshiya calmed a little when Kyo touched his face in a tender manner, but recoiled again in fear when he pulled his hand back and slapped him hard.
"You little bitch! You�ve always paraded around me, making me want you but never letting me have you! Well I took what I wanted when I wanted it. And now you feel like what you really are. A filthy little whore!" Kyo threw his accusations in Toshiya�s face with a sneer. Toshiya took a step back from Kyo, trying to escape from the fury and mockery in his eyes, but Kyo grabbed hold of his wrist and pulled him back. "I�m not done with you yet, beautiful. There�s so much more I want from you�" Toshiya had always longed to hear those words from Kyo, but hearing them now only caused him more fear and a sharp pain in his heart. Kyo kissed Toshiya roughly, doing everything he had done once again.
* * *
Toshiya woke up with tears trickling down his cheeks and found himself curled in a ball on his bed in his room. He was so sore, he couldn�t make any sort of movement without agony. A hangover didn�t even begin to compare to the pain he was feeling everywhere else.
"Stop what?" a voice from the corner of the room sounded, startling Toshiya. He looked around, trying to find the owner and not recognizing the voice immediately. "You were crying in your sleep�" Toshiya finally saw Kyo standing to his right, in the shadows. Fear welled up in him as another tear escaped.
"Get out," Toshiya sobbed, pointing to the door. Kyo�s face took on a puzzled expression.
"What? It�s just me, Totchi," Kyo tried to step towards Toshiya, but Toshiya shrank back, a cry of pain escaping his lips.
"Don�t call me that anymore. Just go, Kyo," Toshiya said firmly. "I don�t want to see you. Not after� everything. I can�t look at you. Please." Kyo was helpless, he didn�t know what to do. So he left the bedroom, shutting the door softly behind him.
"Totchi� What did I do?" he asked himself, not caring if Toshiya had told him not to use his nickname anymore. He left the apartment, pondering the sudden change in behavior and attitude.
Toshiya had finally mustered up enough strength and willpower to sit up, and had his knees pulled to his chest, hugging them. He was so scared of Kyo now, he didn�t know if things would ever be the same.
"I loved you� and you did this to me�" Toshiya felt so dirty, so used. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, gasping as a wave of pain hit him, and got out of bed. He made his way slowly to the bathroom and turned the hot water in the shower on full blast. He didn�t look at himself in the mirror, he was afraid of what he would find. "I feel so dirty�" he whispered to himself.
When steam filled the bathroom, he climbed into the shower and began to scrub himself from head to toe. He nearly made himself bleed in some places, and his skin was red and raw in other places, but still the filthy feel of his own flesh would not go away. He stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out, and even the tried to cleanse himself with cold water. When that didn�t work, he gave up and turned the water off completely.
He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a large, fuzzy towel around himself, drying off. He let his blue hair drip water into his face and down his back, until he rubbed it hard with a different towel, leaving the hair semi-dry and mussed cutely.
With a towel wrapped and tucked tightly around his waist, he went back into his bedroom and pulled on a pair of pajama pants and a shirt. He felt a little better, but was still pained and weary both in body and spirit.
Tossing the damp towel aside, he crawled back into bed and pulled the sheets over his head, peeking at his clock before shutting out the rest of the world. It was 4:58 a.m. Softly sniffing, he rocked himself back and forth until he fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep.
* * *
The phone jerked him violently out of his slumber. It had been ringing for nearly ten minutes, without letting up. Bleary-eyed, Toshiya tossed the sheet from over his head and picked the phone up, uttering an almost incoherent greeting.
"H�lo?" he muttered, not bothering to open his eyes.
"Toshiya? Where are you?" Kaoru sounded quite angry. "Did you forget practice? I know that you and Kyo went out last night, but Kyo�s here, so that�s not an excuse. Even Die was here on time!"
"Kyo�s there?" Toshiya asked timidly in the face of Kaoru�s rage.
"Yes, I just said that. Weren�t you listening?"
"I�m sorry Kaoru, I won�t be in for practice today."
* * *
Kaoru looked incredulously at the phone, hearing the click indicating that Toshiya had hung up on him. The others were looking at him, wondering what was wrong.
"So, is he coming?" Kyo asked, breaking the silence.
"No." Kaoru didn�t know whether to be worried or pissed. Toshiya almost never missed practice, only when he was sick beyond tolerance. "What happened last night? Did Toshiya get sick?" Kyo thought for a moment.
"He drank more than me, but not more than he usually does. I did find him passed out by the bathroom, but he does that sometimes."
"He passed out by the bathroom�" Kaoru looked at Kyo. "And he does this often? Kyo why do you let him drink so much?"
"Hey, he only drank a little bit more than me! I�m just fine!" Kyo put his hands up defensively.
"Did anything else happen?" Kaoru asked.
"Dunno. One minute we were dancing, then next he said he had to go to the bathroom. After that I waited twenty-five minutes then went looking for him. And I found him by the bathroom." Kaoru blinked.
"And you�re not concerned about this?!"
�Of course I am! He worries me to death! Especially when he was whimpering when I brought him home. And if I didn�t know better, I would say that there were bruises on his face�� Kyo�s thoughts ran rampant, but his face betrayed nothing. Kaoru frowned at Kyo.
"What�s wrong with you? You�d think you�d show at least a little concern for you best friend�" He turned around and grabbed his keys, and began walking out of the studio.
"Where are you going?" Kyo asked.
"To see what�s wrong," Kaoru called back. Kyo shrugged and turned back to Shinya and Die, who were just observing casually.
"So� Kyo�" Die began.
"What�s really going on?" Shinya finished. Kyo looked behind him, and seeing that Kaoru was completely gone, he sighed.
"Ok, I�ll tell you�" he said, dropping his defense.
* * *
"Go away!" Toshiya yelled from his bedroom, but the persistent knocking wouldn�t stop. Toshiya sighed and rolled out of bed, ignoring the pains he felt all over. "Fine, I�m coming, just shut up!" He trudged to the front door and opened it. "What?" he demanded grumpily.
"I came over to see how you�re doing�" Kaoru�s eyes traveled to Toshiya�s face and he trailed off when he saw the condition of it. Toshiya stared at Kaoru.
"What?" He sounded annoyed. Kaoru placed his fingertips gently on Toshiya�s cheek just below his right eye, where a huge black and blue bruise had appeared. The rest of his face wasn�t pretty either. He looked like he had been beaten severely. Toshiya winced at Kaoru�s touch.
"Toshiya� What happened last night?" Kaoru�s concern was unhidden, it showed plainly on his face. Toshiya turned his head away from Kaoru�s touch suddenly.
"Nothing happened. I just don�t feel well today, that�s all�" He began fidgeting around slightly. Kaoru looked at him incredulously.
"Nothing happened? Kyo tells me he found you passed out by the bathroom last night, and I see you here with your face looking like you got into a fight with a meat grinder! Toshiya, what are you hiding?" Kaoru�s voice was gentle and soothing, trying to coax the truth out of the reluctant Toshiya.
"You don�t believe me?" Toshiya switched tactics, trying to make Kaoru feel guilty for asking so many questions.
"Toshiya," Kaoru began softly, "you aren�t being very believable right now�"
"Well maybe I don�t want to tell you what really happened." Toshiya crossed his arms stubbornly. Kaoru sighed in exasperation
.
"Toshiya, why are you pushing me away? I just want to help you, I want to know what happened." Kaoru pleaded, sounding hurt that Toshiya was staying so quiet. After all, if anyone had a right to know what happened, he did. He was always concerned with the welfare of the band, and this definitely fell under the category of �need to know�. Toshiya�s eyes darted around for another thirty seconds before he sighed and hunched his shoulders. Kaoru reached his hand out to touch Toshiya�s shoulder, afraid that something truly horrible had happened to him and it would make him change forever.
"Kaoru, I didn�t want anyone to find out; I wanted to deal with this on my own�" A tear slid down his cheek, and Toshiya brushed it away angrily.
"Whatever it is, you can tell me. You don�t have to go through this alone�" Kaoru tried to comfort Toshiya, but Toshiya shook his head vehemently.
"You don�t understand�"
"Then tell me�" Kaoru urged. Toshiya took a shaky breath and let it out slowly.
"I loved him�" Kaoru nodded, wondering who �him� was. "He betrayed me. I was unprepared, drunk, and he betrayed me!" Toshiya said the last three words with a quiet force that surprised Kaoru.
"Who betrayed you, Toshiya?" Kaoru was afraid to disturb him in his tirade, but he asked anyway.
"The person I love the most in this world. The person who I want to be with every waking moment. The person who I see in my dreams that have turned to nightmares. The person� who has my heart, my soul, and now my fear�" Kaoru waited patiently through the description of the person who had caused him pain. Toshiya took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. "Kaoru� Kyo raped me�"
* * *
"The thing is, I�m in love with Toshiya. I can�t hide it anymore, but I can�t tell him now. He told me last night to get out, he told me not to call him Totchi anymore. I really don�t know what happened to him at the club last night, but whatever it was made him hate me," Kyo confessed to Shinya and Die. Shinya shook his head slowly at Kyo�s last pronouncement.
"Toshiya could never hate you, you�re his best friend," he said. �And his secret love,� he thought.
"Yeah, and last night I really had hopes that we could be more, but I don�t think so anymore. If he really was ok, then why�d he tell me to leave? He was quite forceful."
"Did you notice anything unusual last night, before you took him home?" Die asked the depressed blonde vocalist.
"Yes, it was dark, but I could have sworn that I saw bruises on his face. Who knows, maybe someone tried to wake him up by splashing him with water and all I saw was his mascara running, but his face wasn�t wet." His eyebrows knit together in frustration. "Fuck, I wish I knew what was going on!" In an uncontrolled fit of rage, he snatched a drumstick from Shinya and threw it toward the drum set, hitting one of the crash cymbals and shattering the silence in the room.
"Hey!" Shinya protested, hitting Kyo�s arm. "Don�t screw with my drums!" Shinya glared intently at Kyo, who glared back for a moment until the fire went out in his eyes. His shoulders slumped and he sighed.
"Sorry Shinya," Kyo apologized. "I�m just in the mood to kill someone and disembowel them, spreading their entrails across the floor, letting the blood leak slowly out of them�" Both Die and Shinya grimaced as Kyo�s morbid sadistic tendencies showed through.
"Well," Shinya began tentatively, bringing Kyo out of his sanguine thoughts, "if you�re so anxious to take action, then maybe you could go back to the club tonight and see if you can talk to people and see if anyone saw anything go on." Die nodded.
"Yeah, that�s a good idea. You should do that, Kyo!" Kyo looked back and forth between Shinya and Die, trying to decide if they were right or not. "It�ll get your mind off Toshiya for a while," Die pointed out. "Besides," he added, "if you don�t go out, then Shinya and I will take you out with us. We tend to get a little frisky at night�" Kyo heard this and shuddered. It was known that Shinya and Die were a couple, and Kyo didn�t want to be around when they got �frisky�.
"Are you two cracked? I don�t wanna see you two practically going at it in my presence!" Kyo threw a disgusted look in the direction of the other two, who were smirking at him.
"What�s the matter, Kyo," Shinya grinned.
"Afraid you�re gonna like it?" Die finished for the other man. He wrapped his arm around Shinya�s slim waist and pulled the petite man to himself. Shinya let himself be pulled, then delicately placed his lips over Die�s, starting a slow, passionate kiss that could be heard across the room. Kyo watched the kiss in horrified fascination, wondering what it would be like to kiss Toshiya like that. The smacking noises brought him out of his thoughts, and his face contorted with disgust.
"Hey, save it for the bedroom, you two," Kyo wrinkled his nose. "Fine, I�ll go to the club tonight, just stop your public display of affection, please!" Kyo turned on his heel and began to walk out of the room. Shinya took his lips away from Die�s long enough to call out a question, much to the dismay of a still-puckered Die.
"Hey, where�re you going?"
"Sleep," Kyo called back. Shinya shrugged and turned back to the tall, red-haired guitarist.
"Well, we�re alone now�" Die grinned and wrapped his arms around Shinya, the other man doing the same.
* * *
Toshiya lay asleep against Kaoru�s shoulder, exhausted from all the crying he had done. Kaoru was grateful that the blue-haired man had relaxed finally. Since he had arrived Toshiya had been as tense as he had ever seen him. He stroked the top of Toshiya�s head, feeling bumps that had come from blows. Kaoru was dying inside for Toshiya�s hurt. He had no idea that Kyo was capable of this. When Toshiya had told him everything he had remembered, Kaoru had been unable to speak for over five minutes. As it was, he was still trying to absorb everything. He knew that Kyo had morbid and violent tendencies, but he would never have guessed that he would have used them on his best friend. It was almost unthinkable, even for Kyo.
Kaoru looked at Toshiya�s face, once pretty but now marred by the several painful-looking bruises, making sure that he was still resting peacefully. When he was he was, Kaoru gently lifted Toshiya off of his shoulder and placed him onto a pillow, and started for the door. He heard Toshiya whimper softly, and a frown came to Kaoru�s face.
"Kyo, you�re going to pay for this," Kaoru muttered, closing the door softly behind him.
* * *
Kaoru arrived back at the studio a little while later, expecting the other three to have waited for him to return so that they could hold practice. He found something much different waiting for him in the studio that afternoon. He walked in and found Die and Shinya with their limbs tangled together and in various stages of undress.
"Gah! Make it stop!" Kaoru yelled when his eyes beheld the sight. Both Die and Shinya�s heads poked up when they heard the sound of their mighty leader�s voice.
"Hey Kaoru," Die said, panting slightly and making his chest heave. Shinya smiled seductively at Kaoru.
"Care to join us?" he asked. Kaoru hid his eyes with his hands.
"No! You two are sick! Why can�t you wait until you�re at home to screw each other?"
"Well, no one was here. We offered Kyo a chance, but he turned us down too," Shinya said, his explanation making Kaoru frown.
"Just because I�m gone doesn�t mean I�m not coming back. And where�s Kyo? I need to beat the shit out of him." Both Shinya and Die sat bolt upright when they heard the last statement come out of Kaoru�s mouth. That was totally unexpected. Kaoru always wanted their members to be healthy, not mashed to a pulp.
As both men sat up, Kaoru was glad to see that they still had clothing on the nether regions.
"What did you say?" Shinya questioned Kaoru, looking serious.
"Why are you gonna kick the crap outta Kyo?" Die asked, also looking serious.
"Because," Kaoru explained, taking up a defensive stance against the two half-naked bishounen, "if you saw Toshiya, you would want to as well. His face looks like ground beef and the rest of his body is sore because of Kyo."
"What did he say happened?" Shinya asked, his voice sounding eerily calm and quiet.
"Well� Toshiya said that Kyo� raped him," Kaoru answered.
* * *
Toshiya woke from his restless slumber on the couch, with a single tear trickling down his cheek. His sleep had been plagued by nightmares that he hadn�t been able to quell, no matter how hard he tried. Always in his dreams were cruel images of Kyo. Always laughing, mocking, hurting. They short blonde man had infiltrated every corner of both his sleeping and waking mind. Toshiya couldn�t escape thoughts of Kyo, of betrayal, of love hoped for then lost. No matter how valiantly he tried, Toshiya couldn�t forget nor deny his love for Kyo. He had loved him for far too long to just drop him from his mind and heart in an instant.
Toshiya yawned and wiped the solitary tear away, taking time to look around the room.
"Kaoru?" he spoke softly, testing to see if his leader and newfound friend was still there. That�s not to say that he and Kaoru weren�t friends before, just that their relationship had been more of a leader/follower one. Occasionally they would get together and do something, but they didn�t spend a lot of time together outside of Dir en Grey. Toshiya was glad that he found that Kaoru could be a good friend to him as well as a good leader. He had the feeling that he would probably be in need of a few friends soon.
When Kaoru didn�t answer or appear, Toshiya was disappointed. He sat up straight on the couch and pulled his knees to his chest, hugging them to himself. He felt so alone and afraid. He was still tired but was afraid to go to sleep for fear that the nightmares would come back immediately. Slowly, he rocked himself back and forth, dreading the time he knew was coming in the near future � the time he would have to face Kyo.
* * *
Shinya and Die let their mouths drop open in unison.
"Raped him?" Shinya asked, incredulity written in his voice. Kaoru looked back and forth between the two with a grim expression and nodded. Die�s eyebrows raised and he shook his head slowly.
"That can�t be possible� Kyo wouldn�t do that�" Die whispered.
"Are you sure? Maybe Toshiya had a case of mistaken identity," Shinya suggested. "Kyo did say that it was dark there."
"You talked to Kyo about this?" Kaoru asked. Shinya and Die nodded slowly.
"Yes, he gave us his version of the story," Shinya confirmed.
"And it had nothing to do with Kyo raping anything!" Die insisted. Kaoru looked dubiously at the shirtless pair.
"Yeah, well Kyo�s a good storyteller. He could�ve been snowing you," he pointed out.
"Kaoru, Kyo wouldn�t lie about anything like this," Shinya said softly.
"Why do you have so much confidence in him?" Kaoru questioned.
"Because," Die began.
"Kyo is hopelessly in love with Toshiya," Shinya finished.
* * *
Kyo looked around the club warily, trying to overhear conversations that would explain what happened last night to his beloved Totchi. Kyo smiled at that thought. HIS Totchi. Not anyone else�s Totchi.
"Yeah, I fucked this blue-haired bitch last night!" A sudden turn in a conversation near him turned Kyo�s attention behind him. What he saw nearly made his jaw drop to the floor. Sitting at a table not twenty feet away was nearly an exact replica of himself. He was short, had bleached blonde hair, was cute, and his face was made up the way Kyo always did.
�Must be a cosplayer,� Kyo thought to himself.
"Yeah, the bitch turned out to be a guy, but I fucked him anyway. The funny thing is, when I started he was all for it. But when I got into it, he didn�t want me. But I took him anyway." Kyo�s eyes narrowed with each word this look-alike uttered. He could feel his blood boiling. "Yeah, and the best part is that he looked exactly like Toshiya from Dir en Grey!" That last sentence clinched it. Kyo now knew why his Toshiya was so afraid of him. That bastard had raped the man he loved.
Kyo got up from his seat, knocking it over in his fury, and marched over to the table where his evil twin sat bragging about defiling his Totchi. He stood behind the fraud�s back and tapped him roughly on the shoulder. The bragging guy turned around and glared up at Kyo.
"Yeah, what do you want?" he demanded before he fully realized who he was speaking to. Kyo glared back down at the look-alike and held his ground.
"I have some business with you," Kyo said, surprisingly calm in the face of the information he had just overheard. The look-alike�s buddies began laughing. Kyo held up his hand and flipped them off, causing them to stop in anger and indignance.
"Yeah?" the look-alike asked indifferently. The uninterested tone of voice that the guy used served only to infuriate Kyo even further.
"Yes, you little prick, I do! And if you don�t like it then you can go fuck a tree. Oh wait, you may have already done that, after all, you�re a horny bastard who�ll fuck anything whenever he damn well pleases!" Kyo�s temper ran away with him. His expression darkened with each insult and an angry sneer grew on his face.
"What�s this about, you fucking bastard?" the look-alike yelled, standing up to face the very-angry Kyo, who at that moment was nearly hyperventilating and sounding very much like ZAN. The look-alike was slightly taller than Kyo had thought at first, but that didn�t deter him in the least.
"This is about you raping Toshiya, you idiot!" Kyo spat back with venom. The look-alike took a tiny step backwards and began laughing his head off.
"You mean that was THE Toshiya! You can�t be serious!"
"Yes, that was MY Toshiya. And now I will cut your heart out with a plastic spork because of what you did. I�m going to make you eat your own heart after I cut it out, and then I�ll rip open your belly and let your entrails spill onto the floor. I want you to feel every pain twice as much as Toshiya did." Kyo was livid. The look-alike was delighted.
"Then you�re THE Kyo! I can�t believe it! I�m going to have both Toshiya and Kyo, two nights in a row!" Kyo couldn�t� believe his ears. The guy was laughing at his threats. And what was this about him �having� Kyo? Kyo knew that the only person who would ever �have� him would be Toshiya. But as he saw the gleam in the look-alike�s eye and the guffawing of his comrades, Kyo knew that his twin thought otherwise.
"What the hell do you think you�re going to do?" Kyo said in a menacingly low voice, wanting to rip the leering smirk right off his look-alike�s face.
"Well, I thought that you�d enjoy getting a taste of what your little friend got last night. You may even ask me for more!"
"Touch me and you�ll wish you were dead," Kyo warned. This only fueled the other man�s passion. He took a step closer to Kyo and put his hand out, grabbing his shoulder. Kyo jerked roughly away, not doing anything, giving the other man a final chance to stop. The man didn�t take it and grabbed Kyo with both hands, jerking him roughly to himself.
"Fucking bastard," Kyo growled before jamming his knee into the look-alike�s groin. His friends jumped up out of their seats as he doubled over in pain, unable to draw in a deep breath.
"What the fuck do you think you�re doing??" one of them asked Kyo, who had stepped back from the look-alike.
"Just getting started," Kyo answered. The group didn�t take to this kindly. They started advancing on Kyo, intent on harming him in return for what he had done to their friend. Kyo knew that though he was stronger than he looked, he wasn�t able to take on more than two people at one time. Deciding that the odds just weren�t in his favor, he walked calmly away from the pandemonium he had created and out onto the city streets to do some thinking.
* * *
Kaoru felt his heart sink at the utterance of Shinya�s words.
"What do you mean �in love�?" he asked, wanting to make perfectly sure that he had heard correctly. Shinya nodded his head earnestly, trying to convince Kaoru that what they were telling him was the truth. Or at least they thought it was.
"I mean, Kyo is in love with Toshiya. He wants to be with him every waking second. He wants to have Toshiya�s babies!" Die poked Shinya in his ribs.
"Two men can�t have babies, baka," he pointed out.
"I know that!" Shinya said indignantly, "I was just making a point!"
Kaoru ignored the arguing pair for the most part. He, the mighty and fearless Kaoru, felt like he was on the verge of crying. Shinya noticed the countenance of Kaoru�s turning from anger into dismay and immediately alarm bells sounded in his head.
"Kaoru, what�s wrong?" Shinya asked.
"It can�t be� I thought I had a chance� but I don�t. Toshiya loves Kyo. If Kyo really had raped Toshiya, then maybe� but you two say he didn�t� and he LOVES Toshiya! I love Toshiya!!" The last three words slipped out of his mouth before he had a chance to check them. Shinya and Die let their mouths drop open.
"We have a bit of a problem here," Die breathed.
* * *
Kyo didn�t know what he would say. After about three hours of pacing back and forth along the streets of the city, his feet had eventually led him back here: Toshiya�s apartment. He knew that Toshiya was in no mood nor condition to see him, but he couldn�t help himself. He had to see him. Toshiya was the air that Kyo breathed, and he felt like he was suffocating right now. Besides that, he now knew exactly what had happened the night before; what had occurred to make Toshiya have such an aversion to him. He couldn�t wait to tell Toshiya that it wasn�t him that had hurt him, that it was some cosplaying bastard who was just out for some thrills at the expense of others.
Kyo took a deep breath and started for the door to the apartments, but stopped halfway. He couldn�t do it. He had to tell Shinya and Die his discovery first, and they would help him figure out what to do. Kyo turned from the building and started off again, going in the direction of Shinya and Die�s apartment, his face a mask of grim determination.
* * *
Toshiya let the curtain drop. He had been staring out his window onto the street for the last hour, gazing aimlessly at the passing pedestrians and cars, but one in particular had caught his attention. He didn�t think that Kyo had the guts to show his face near his home again, but he had been wrong. Watching with baited breath, Toshiya followed Kyo�s movements, wishing that Kaoru was still with him. He still was sore from the ordeal, and his spirit wasn�t what it used to be. He had been beaten, and by Kyo, his best friend. That knowledge alone just made him want to give up. If he couldn�t trust his best friend, who could he trust?
"Kaoru, I can trust Kaoru�" Toshiya said to himself. Kaoru had been so nice to him. Listening without interrupting, offering sympathy and comfort. Toshiya didn�t know where he�d be if it weren�t for Kaoru.
Lifting the curtain again, he watched Kyo�s retreat and breathed a sigh of relief. At least he didn�t have to face Kyo yet. He was terrified of the time when he would have to look into the eyes of his best friend and attacker, and ask the questions that had been plaguing him since he had woken after the rape. At least he had been in his own bed. Toshiya wondered why Kyo had bothered to bring him home afterwards. Maybe, he reasoned, it was because Kyo felt guilty for what he had done and wanted to make up for it.
"But there�s no way to just make up for something like this!" Toshiya said to the window. "But still, if he feels guilty, then maybe it was all just a mistake� he was drunk last night, like me�" More than ever, Toshiya wished that Kaoru was there, so that he could help him sort things out. There were so many conflicting emotions running through both his head and heart, it was hard to make sense out of them. "Kaoru, why did you leave me?" he wondered aloud.
* * *
Kyo made his way steadily to Shinya and Die�s place, hoping that they were home. Last he knew they were making out in the studio. Who knew where it could have gone from there? He shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his black jacket, trying to protect him from the chilly wind that had been prevalent that evening. The winds had brought with them a series of dark storm clouds, perfectly fitting Kyo�s mood at the moment. He was calmer now, but he still felt a need to do bodily damage to the one that had hurt his love.
"How dare he?" Kyo grumbled at the night air. "Taking on my appearance and stealing what should have been mine! That piece of shit deserves to die."
"Oh really?" a voice behind him mocked, sounding amused. Kyo whirled around and stared at his apparent stalker. But instead of finding one person behind him, he found several. They looked like the group from the club, including his look-alike, who was the owner of the voice.
"I should have known," Kyo stated flatly, "that a piece of trash like yourself wouldn�t leave well enough alone." The grin on the Kyo look-alike�s face fell instantly into a glare
.
"Why you midget bastard! I�ll teach you a lesson, you little brat. Who cares if you�re famous? Right now you�re just a fucking piece of crap on my shoe. No one calls Nakano Isou trash and gets away with it." Kyo saw Isou�s fist flying at him and sidestepped the blow easily. Isou grunted in exertion and anger, letting his other hand backhand Kyo�s face before he could duck that one too. Kyo�s head was thrown to the side, and a murderous look appeared in his eyes. With a deliberate slowness, He turned his head to face Isou. Saying nothing he readied himself for the fight that was inevitably to happen. Isou smirked at him with a somewhat satisfied look on his face.
"I said a few minutes ago that you deserved to die. It looks like I�m going to be the one to mete out punishment," Kyo challenged Isou.
"Bring it on, midget boy," Isou spat back, raising his fists.
"This saves me a trip to that club to beat your ass," Kyo said, striking out at Isou, who ducked the punch, but not fast enough. Kyo�s fist grazed Isou�s cheek, which was cut open by a silver skull ring that Kyo had happened to have been wearing that night.
"Shit!" Isou swore, wiping his face on his shoulder, smearing blood across his face. The red liquid was pouring freely out of the wound, and Kyo smiled grimly at the sight. Isou was in a blood rage now; bent on Kyo�s destruction. He swung wildly in Kyo�s direction, not caring if he hit him in the face, only caring that he hit him. Kyo easily stepped out of the way of each swing, enjoying this little game.
When Isou�s arms tired, he put them down for a split second. That second was all that Kyo needed. He steeled himself and put all of his might into a punch that was landed right in between Isou�s eyes, smashing his nose and knocking him out. Isou fell to the ground with a sickening thud. Kyo stared down at him for a moment, checking to see if Isou would regain consciousness. When he didn�t, Kyo turned around to leave him to his fate, but was met with several pairs of very angry eyes.
* * *
Kaoru was devastated. After telling Shinya and Die his secret, he had rushed out and gone straight home. He didn�t want to find out what Shinya and Die thought of that. He knew that Toshiya had loved Kyo for some time, it was plain to see on his face; but he didn�t realize that Kyo shared those feelings. So what if they weren�t together? It was only a matter of time before they DID get together. All these years, Kaoru had harbored a hope that Toshiya would start paying attention to him. That he would forget about Kyo and come to him. But he knew that wouldn�t be easy, after all they were best friends. But they didn�t have to be lovers, did they?
Every time they went on stage, Kaoru wished that he had been Kyo. Toshiya lavished fanservice on Kyo, and Kaoru felt sick with jealousy. Sure, Toshiya was a flirt, he did fanservice with everyone, but it just seemed so much more sincere with Kyo. Kaoru lived for the times that Toshiya would come up behind him and kiss him, but he knew that it was all for the fans, that it meant nothing. That was the part that got to him the most: that Toshiya just thought of Kaoru as the leader of the band, and nothing else. He didn�t know how to change that. Kaoru was a harsh taskmaster as a matter of habit, demanding nothing less than perfection from everyone, including himself. He didn�t really know how to treat them like friends in the normal sense. Sure they spent a lot of time together, they were in a band together! But Kaoru honestly couldn�t say that he knew a whole hell of a lot about the members of his own band. He knew the basics, but intimate details he was not privy to. He felt so left out sometimes, but hid it under the guise of the tough leader, the one always there to keep them all in line.
"It�s only natural that Toshiya and Kyo go after each other, after all Shinya and Die are both taken�" Kaoru said bitterly to himself. He turned off the light in the living room, where he had been brooding, and started towards his bedroom, intent on trying to get some sleep. The phone stopped him in his tracks. He thought about letting his answering machine get the call, but something inside told him to pick it up.
"Hello?" he said warily, not really wanting to talk to anyone.
"Kaoru?" the voice on the other end sounded as if it had been crying.
"Toshiya?" Kaoru asked to confirm the identity.
"Kaoru� can you come over? I need you, Kaoru�"
* * *
"So, what are you thinking," Shinya asked Die. They were taking a walk together, trying to figure things out.
"I don�t really know. I never knew that Kaoru loved Toshiya; it was completely hidden�" Die replied absentmindedly. Shinya nodded his assent.
"I know, I was so shocked. What do you think he�ll do?" Shinya wondered.
"Who, Kaoru or Toshiya?" Die asked. Shinya shrugged.
"Both I guess�"
"Well there�s no telling what Kaoru will do, he can be unpredictable. As for Toshiya�" Die trailed off. Shinya sighed.
"Toshiya, despite the whole misunderstanding, I�m sure still loves Kyo. I mean you don�t throw away feelings that are years old in one day,. But he thinks Kyo raped him� Well we�ll just have to tell him that it wasn�t Kyo." Shinya slipped his hand into Die�s , grateful that this didn�t happen to him, and sad that it had to happen to Toshiya.
"What if Kaoru makes advances on Toshiya?" Die asked quietly. That was something Shinya had been thinking of.
"We�re just going to have to trust Toshiya to follow his heart. Either way, someone is going to end up with a broken heart. And Toshiya will be at the root of it." Shinya went silent for a moment. "Poor Toshiya, no one deserves to go through this kind of pain�" He commented almost to himself.
"Do you think that Dir en Grey will survive this?" Die questioned.
"I don�t know� Dir en Grey is Kaoru�s life�s work, I don�t think he�ll let it die over this. Dir en Grey is important to all of us�" Shinya stated, sounding unsure. Die nodded, not wanting to say anything to discourage them further. Comfortable silence ensued until they arrived at the entrance of their apartment complex, where they paused, just looking upward.
"Why does life have to be so difficult?" Shinya questioned the sky. Die shook his head, not saying anything. Sighing, both of them started walking again, but paused when they heard a faint moaning sound coming from the bushes that decorated the front of the complex. Raising an eyebrow, Die went to investigate, leaving Shinya at the front. Fully expecting to find an intoxicated vagrant, he moved the bushes aside to reveal the identity of the moaning person.
Die let the bushes fall back into place. A hand flew to his mouth.
"Oh my God�"
* * *
Kaoru knocked on Toshiya�s door. He had gotten there as fast as he could. When Toshiya answered the door dressed only in a bathrobe, Kaoru smiled wistfully.
"Hey, I came, what�s up?" he asked. Toshiya stood gratefully aside to allow Kaoru entrance.
"I didn�t want to be alone tonight� And I�m so confused," Toshiya admitted to Kaoru. He walked from the door to the living room, and flopped gently down onto the couch. Resting his head back, he let out a loud breath. "And you were the first person I thought to call. Thanks for coming�" Kaoru smiled at Toshiya.
"Of course, you�re my friend. And a member of my band." Cringing, Kaoru kicked himself mentally for the last line. �Now Toshiya will think that I only value him as a member of the band�� he thought. Toshiya turned his head and gave Kaoru a long look before cracking a tiny smile.
"I�m glad you�re here."
"So what�s the problem?" Kaoru started, wanting to hear Toshiya tell him everything that was going through his head. Kaoru had a need to know everything that Toshiya thought, felt and imagined. He wanted to hear his sweet voice telling him his life story.
"Well, it�s about Kyo�" Toshiya began. Kaoru�s smile faltered, but Toshiya didn�t notice. He had closed his eyes and was taking a deep breath.
"Oh?" was all Kaoru thought to say. Toshiya nodded.
"He was here tonight. Well he wasn�t HERE here, but he was out front, looking up as if he was thinking about visiting me. I was watching him. And when he left without coming up, I felt sad. I know that I love him, but I�m still afraid of him. And yet, I still want him. And though I was dreading it before, I want to talk to him. To know why he did what he did, why he raped me. If he had only asked, I would have given myself to him forever� And I know I shouldn�t forgive him for raping me, but I really want to. My HEART wants to. I don�t know what to do�" Toshiya let his entire dilemma gush out in a rush. Kaoru had a little bit of trouble keeping up in the verbal torrent.
"Well� if you think you need to talk to him, then you should�" Kaoru said tentatively. �Should I tell him?� he wondered to himself. �Should I tell him that it probably wasn�t Kyo that raped him? Should I tell him the truth and lose him forever?� Kaoru knew that he should, and yet his heart screamed a vehement NO. "But then again, Totchi, you just suffered from a traumatic experience. Maybe you should wait a few days at least before you even see him." �That will give me a little bit of time to make you fall in love with ME��
"Do you really think so?" Toshiya asked. Kaoru nodded. Toshiya smiled wider at him. "Thanks Kaoru, I don�t know if I would be able to get through this whole ordeal without you�" Toshiya leaned over and hugged Kaoru gently. Kaoru, surprised, put his arms gingerly around Toshiya in return. Toshiya pulled back after a moment and smiled once again. Kaoru, not being able to help himself, leaned forward without any warning and gave Toshiya a gentle kiss, making sure not to hurt him at all (after all, Toshiya�s face was still badly bruised). Toshiya�s eyes widened at this and scooted back away from Kaoru quickly.
"Kaoru� I� You� I can�t�" Toshiya stuttered. Kaoru lowered his head, a blush spreading on his face. He felt foolish.
"Totchi, I�m sorry, I didn�t mean to�" he couldn�t finish his sentence, for at that moment, the phone rang. Looking from Kaoru, to the phone and back, he tried to fight tears. Kaoru wished that he hadn�t given into the desire to kiss Toshiya, he seemed so distraught. And why not? He had just been raped the evening previous! "Answer the phone�" Kaoru urged. Toshiya rose from the couch and made his way to the phone.
"Hello?" A pause.
"Why did you call?" Another pause. A distraught look turned to one of horror. The phone slipped from Toshiya�s hands and clattered to the floor.
"Toshiya? Are you there? Are you ok?" Shinya�s voice on the other end.
"Toshiya, what�s wrong?" Kaoru�s concern. Tears streaming down Toshiya�s face as his knees buckled and he fell to the floor, placing his forehead on the carpeting.
"Kyo�" he croaked, his voice refusing to work all of a sudden. "Kyo�s in the hospital. Shinya and Die found him outside of their place nearly dead�"
* * *
Die paced back and forth along one wall of orange plastic chairs in the ICU waiting room. He couldn�t get the images of Kyo out of his head.
//When he had seen Kyo, at first he didn�t recognize him. He was a bloody, beaten mass of blonde hair and raw flesh. His clothing was torn and ripped to shreds, and he was barely breathing. Die noticed that his face and arms were covered in smooth lacerations, as if he�d been cut by a razor deeply. The cuts were still pouring out blood. Die looked down at the grass where he stood. It was drenched in Kyo�s blood. Die couldn�t tear his eyes away from the grisly sight. At last, when Kyo managed another feeble groan, Die came out of the trance he was in.
"Shinya!" Die cried out hoarsely, his voice suddenly cracking. "Call an ambulance!" Without waiting to see if Shinya complied, Die picked Kyo up gently, and carried him away from the blood-soaked bushes. Kyo was limp and nearly lifeless in Die�s arms, and his leg was bent in an unnatural direction. Die could barely feel Kyo�s heartbeat.
Die carried Kyo to the pavement and clutched him to his chest, the metallic smell of blood in the air, the red liquid drenching the front of his shirt. He stayed like that until the sound of sirens was heard�//
"Die, come sit down, you�re going to wear a track in the floor," Shinya said softly. Die shook his head, still lost in his thoughts.
"Where are they? We called Toshiya nearly two hours ago!" Die scowled, wondering what could be keeping the other two members of the band from being there.
"Maybe there was traffic�" Shinya suggested.
"Maybe�" Die echoed. He turned to look out the window. The traffic was almost nonexistent, a rarity for the city. His brows furrowed and he watched for a sign that Toshiya and Kaoru had come for Kyo.
* * *
"I should go see him, really," Toshiya insisted. Kaoru gave him a look.
"Toshiya, he�s caused you emotional pain, are you sure?" Toshiya�s determination faltered at the seriousness in Kaoru�s voice.
"I� I don�t know. Do you think I should go?"
"I think you need some time off to think, and to be alone," Kaoru stated gently. Toshiya nodded, still uncertain. �And I don�t need Shinya and Die telling you things right now��
"Well, I�ll trust your judgment, Kaoru," Toshiya relented. "But will you go visit him for me tonight?"
"Sure Totch, I can do that," Kaoru smiled.
"Thanks, Kaoru. You�re a very good friend." Kaoru nodded, and got up from the couch.
"I�m glad I could help. And I�m glad that you�re not crying anymore. I hate it when you cry." With one parting look, Kaoru strode to the door and left, leaving Toshiya alone.
* * *
"A friend. Is that all I�ll ever be to you, Toshiya? Just a friend? Someone you�ll go to when you need advice. Someone whose shoulder you�ll cry on, but not give your love to?" Kaoru was once again on the verge of tears, something extremely rare for him. That was how much he loved Toshiya, that he would let down all of his defenses and weep like a child. No one else had that effect on him, just Toshiya. Sighing, Kaoru walked down to the parking lot to where his car was, and made his was to the hospital, to fulfill his promise to Toshiya.
* * *
"It took you long enough to get here," Die snapped when Kaoru strode through the entrance to the ICU waiting room.
"I�m sorry, I was delayed," Kaoru said flatly.
"Where�s Toshiya?" Shinya inquired.
"Toshiya didn�t want to come. He�s still not feeling up to seeing anyone."
"Except you, right?" Die demanded.
"Die�" Shinya said, warning written in his voice.
"No, Shinya. We need to get this straightened out. Kaoru, you still think that Kyo raped Toshiya, don�t you?" Die�s eyes bored into Kaoru�s, daring him to flinch or turn away. Kaoru did neither.
"I believe you guys. I believe that Kyo didn�t rape Toshiya. But I also want a fair chance with him. Why should Kyo have him all to himself?"
"Because Kyo loves Toshiya! And Toshiya loves him back!" Shinya exclaimed, shocked at Kaoru�s attitude.
"But neither of them know that! I deserve a chance too, don�t I?" Kaoru was being stubborn.
"It�s not right to break them up. They�re in love." Die�s voice had grown menacingly soft.
"Technically, they�re not together�" Kaoru�s voice was equal in intensity.
"Give it a chance."
"Give me a chance."
Before the arguing could continue, a nurse came out and cleared her throat, accompanied by a doctor.
"Your friend is going to make it, but he has some nasty cuts that took several stitches to close, and a compound fracture of his left tibia. He�s conscious now, if you want to see him. He�s asking for you all." The three men let out a collective sigh of relief when the news was delivered. They were all glad that Kyo was going to be all right. Even Kaoru, who resented him at the moment. Shinya stood from his uncomfortable orange chair and beckoned the others to follow him as the doctor led them to see Kyo.
* * *
They entered the room quietly, as if they were in a hallowed place. What they beheld wasn�t a very pretty sight, but it seemed to fit with Kyo�s image. He was hooked up to a heart monitor and had an IV running from a clear plastic bag filled with saline into a vein in his arm.
Kyo looked up when he sensed the presence of others in the room, and smiled weakly, only to let the smile drop in favor of a grimace of pain.
"How do you feel, Kyo?" Shinya asked. Kyo took a deep breath.
"I feel like shit. I have stitches in my face, and stitches in my arms, and who knows, maybe stitches in my ass too. I could kill the fucking bastard that did this to me, but I don�t know where he is right now."
"Who did this to you?" Die interjected. Kyo�s eyes lowered into a hateful glare as he answered.
"The man who raped Totchi. Nakano Isou�" Kyo looked from one man to the other quickly. "Where�s Toshiya?" Kaoru stepped forward.
"Toshiya� well Toshiya was nervous about seeing you this soon. I told him to stay home and sleep, and maybe he�d feel better about seeing you in the morning�" Kyo�s eyes turned sad.
"Totchi� I wish you�d give me a chance to explain what really happened�" Kyo sighed.
"You�ll get your chance," Shinya reassured him. Kaoru shot Shinya an ugly glare. One that Kyo just happened to catch.
"Hey, what�s going on between you guys?" Kyo asked the trio. Kaoru looked at Kyo with mild alarm on his face, but hid it quickly.
"What do you mean?" he faked innocence.
"Well, you come in here, seeming all friendly, but I see you sending hate rays towards Shinya when you think no one is looking. And Die is hanging out as far from you as possible. I know there�s something up, so tell me."
"No."
"Ok."
Both words were said at the same time. Kaoru growled at Shinya.
"Shinya, stay out of this�" There was an unspoken threat hidden in the warning.
"No, I think that Kyo has a right to know, I mean it does involve him," Shinya started.
"It�s none of his business."
"Anything concerning Toshiya is HIS business!"
"What�s this about Toshiya?" Kyo was growing more alarmed by the moment, and it was taxing his strength. Kaoru couldn�t take it anymore.
"FINE! If you want to tell him, it�s a-fuckin�-ok with me, Shinya!" Kaoru stormed out of the room and slammed the door so hard that the windows in the room rattled. The nurse, alerted by the commotion, came running to see what was the matter. When she was sure that her patient was fine, she glared sternly at the remaining visitors.
"Make sure that nothing like that happens again, or you�ll both have to leave," she warned. Shinya and Die nodded meekly. When she left, Kyo fixed his gaze on Shinya.
"So, what�s happening?" Kyo demanded.
"Well�" Shinya fidgeted. Kyo waited in silence until Shinya or Die told him.
"Kaoru has feelings for Toshiya. He�s trying to steal him from you," Die got to the crux of the matter without beating around the bush.
* * *
Kaoru drove around, trying to rid himself of the anger he felt. His shoulders were tense and his hands steering were holding on seemingly for dear life, as if he felt that he would lose hold on the world if he let go. He knew that rightfully he shouldn�t feel that way, that he should just let Toshiya go, but he couldn�t. Toshiya meant too much to him. He knew that he should be happy for Toshiya, because Kyo would be good to him, would make him happy. Kaoru, however, wanted to make him happy himself. He knew that was a selfish wish, but he couldn�t help it.
"Toshiya should be mine�" he uttered to himself, still gripping the wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. "Shinya and Die have no right to interfere in this�" His thoughts kept his anger flared up, though it could have been extinguished by then. A single nagging image gnawed at the back of his mind, however. That of Kyo lying prostrate in a hospital bed, a victim of love; a victim of vindication. Kaoru didn�t know if Kyo had intentionally gotten into the fight that had nearly killed him or if it had found him, but he knew that he hadn�t backed down either way. He had stood up for Toshiya in the face of danger. Kaoru would�ve liked to think that if the same thing happened to him, he would have the courage of his convictions to do as Kyo had done, but he never would know for sure unless it did happen to him. A feeling of guilt washed over him. He had gone to Toshiya during his hour of need; an important job, yes; but instead of sitting around and worrying Kyo had gotten out and tried to prevent the incident from ever repeating. The success of it wasn�t known, but at least Kyo had DONE something about it.
"�maybe Kyo deserves Toshiya more than I do�" Kaoru mused. The thought saddened him; he didn�t want to think of Toshiya in the arms of anyone but himself. His conscience was constantly nagging at him to do the right thing, but his heart kept him from action. He desperately wanted Toshiya as his own, but he also didn�t want to break up the band because of this. He didn�t want to drive Kyo away, he didn�t want to make enemies of Shinya and Die� He saw no easy way out of his dilemma. "What should I do?"
* * *
"I�m sorry, but it�s too late to call him. Try again tomorrow," the tired-sounding nurse admonished. Toshiya offered a quick apology to her and hung up the phone.
"Of course it�s too late to call him� it�s nearly two in the morning. Kyo nearly died, it�s not like he�s going to be up for long periods of time�" Toshiya spoke softly to himself, being alone in his apartment. "Kyo, I miss you, please get better soon� I want to straighten things out with you�"
* * *
Shinya and Die were laying together in the bedroom they shared in their apartment. Both were physically and emotionally exhausted. Shinya�s head lay in the crook of Die�s arm, his own arm draped over Die�s naked torso.
"Die?" Shinya whispered, testing to see if his lover was still awake.
"Hmm?" Die mumbled, half asleep, but still alert enough to sense when something was troubling his Shin-chan.
"How do you think Kyo took the news that he had competition?" Shinya questioned. Die inhaled and forced himself into full alertness.
"I�m not sure, Shin-chan, I really don�t know. I don�t think it�s a good sign that he didn�t say anything when we told him about Kaoru."
"Yeah, but he didn�t yell or anything either�"
"Well he�s just been through a horrible ordeal. Maybe he didn�t have the strength to react the way he wanted to. I�m sure that he fell asleep seconds after we left him. Better keep Kaoru away from there for a while, until Kyo has time to think about everything�" Die wrapped his free arm around Shinya�s waist and hugged him. Shinya sighed contentedly and made a noise of assent.
"G�night Die," Shinya yawned, his eyelids drooping.
"�Night Shin-chan," Die echoed. "And may this ordeal be over quickly�" he added as an afterthought.
* * *
Toshiya couldn�t sleep. He had been tossing and turning for an hour after the phone call to the hospital. He knew that he wasn�t going to get any sleep, so he got out of bed and went into the living room. He didn�t know if Kaoru was going to come back that night, but at that moment it didn�t matter. Making up his mind, he went back to his bedroom and threw on some clothing. Grabbing his car keys from a table in the living room where they lay, he strode out the door, not bothering to lock it behind him.
It was a quiet ride to the hospital, no traffic making it easier for Toshiya to make good time. When he arrived it was just after three-thirty a.m. The main entrance of the hospital was locked, so Toshiya went around to the emergency entrance. It was crowded with people, even at this time of night, and the doctors and nurses were harried in their job, so no one noticed the tall blue-haired man dressed in platform boots and leather pants.
Making his way quickly through the emergency area, he found his way to the nearly dark and completely deserted main lobby, where the public elevators were. He pushed the �up� button and waited in silence for the elevator to come to the lobby floor. It didn�t take long, and within minutes Toshiya was making his way up to the sixth floor, where ICU was.
The elevator door dinged and slid open, revealing the somber floor of the ICU. The lights were dimmed, creating a calm atmosphere, and the nurses� station was empty save for two night nurses who looked to be half asleep. Adding to the quiet calm was the sound of Gackt�s "Kimi no Tame ni Dekiru Koto" playing barely audibly over the loudspeaker. The tranquillity of it unnerved Toshiya as he stepped off the elevator and began looking around, trying to spot Kyo�s room without seeming conspicuous. It was futile however. His big boots made a noise on the immaculately clean floor, alerting one of the lethargic nurses to his presence.
"How may I help you? Visiting hours are over," she said, rising from her chair. Toshiya turned to face her and she gasped. "Are you ok?" Toshiya gave her a puzzled look, and she looked down to the ground. "Your face I mean, you look like you just came from an auto accident�" Toshiya smiled faintly and shook his head.
"No, I�m fine, this was just a small injury," he lied, not wanting to explain anything to her. "I just came to see my friend." The nurse looked incredulously at him.
"It�s three-thirty in the morning!" she exclaimed. "And like I said, visiting hours are over, so if you will please go back the way you came� come back in a few hours, around nine o�clock, and it will be fine to visit your friend." Toshiya stared at her, making contact with her eyes and keeping it.
"This is important. It can�t wait."
"But it�s not allowed. No visitors after eleven p.m." She crossed her arms over her chest, daring him to go against her authority. Toshiya took the chance. He, instead of replying to her, he strode off in the opposite direction, beginning his search for Kyo. At every door, he poked his head in and examined the patient therein. The nurse made an indignant sound and followed him, her high heels clicking on the tile floor. Toshiya, being taller, kept easily ahead of her until he reached the very last room in the hall.
Kyo lay inside, the heart monitor still emitting regular beeps indicating his heart rate. A bag of saline solution was set to drip into his right arm, keeping his body from dehydrating and losing sodium. In his left arm was another IV, this one of whole blood. Toshiya hadn�t been expecting that. He stood in the doorway, taking in the vision of Kyo laying helpless in his hospital bed. He looked so small and frail; Toshiya wanted to go in there and put his arms around him and never let him go.
"What happened? Is he going to be ok?" he whispered to the nurse, who had finally caught up with him. She looked into the room to see which patient he was speaking about. When she saw Kyo, her eyes darted from Toshiya�s face to the floor and back again.
"Well, he was stable earlier this evening, when he had two people visiting him�" Toshiya nodded.
�That would be Die and Shinya.�
"He was even fine when a third person came and caused a disturbance." She paused to gather her thoughts and take a breath. Toshiya�s expression didn�t change, but his mind was racing.
�A third person? That could only be Kaoru. But why would he cause a disturbance?� Toshiya didn�t know what to make of it, so he turned his attention back to the nurse, who had continued speaking.
"Around eleven-thirty his blood pressure began dropping dramatically, and his heart rate slowed. We had no idea what was causing it, so we called in the doctor on call. He immediately took him into surgery, and discovered that he had a ruptured spleen. Luckily they caught it in time so that he didn�t loose too much blood. But he lost enough to merit a transfusion. His vital signs are stable right now, and it seems that he�ll pull through, but we have to be careful. That young man received quite a beating, and he�s going to be able to feel it for a while."
"May I have a few minutes with him?" Toshiya asked, begging with his eyes. The nurse looked uncertain, but soon nodded.
"Just be sure not to take too long," she admonished. Toshiya nodded. She smiled warmly at him and left down the hall, back to the nurses� station, giving Toshiya and Kyo some privacy. Toshiya walked into the room and shut the door behind him.
It was dark inside, with just the moon shining through a sliver of the window that the curtains didn�t cover up. The moonlight cut across Kyo�s face, illuminating him. At that moment, he didn�t seem at all like the demon he was known as, but an angel sent there for Toshiya to gaze at.
"Kyo� I came to visit you," Toshiya whispered to the unconscious vocalist, walking around to sit in the chair positioned next to Kyo�s head. He took his hand and began to stroke it with his thumb in soothing motions. Kyo stirred, but didn�t awaken. "I don�t know if you were the one who raped me or not, but I want you to know that I forgive you. After all, you were drunk, and so was I� I know that doesn�t excuse it, but� I can�t imagine being mad at you or afraid of you forever. I always want to be with you, always. You ARE my best friend� And, I love you� Kyo�" Toshiya finished his last words with a gentle kiss to Kyo�s lips.
A sob was heard from the doorway. Toshiya looked up from the kiss in time to see a shock of Kaoru�s hair fleeing from the room in dismay. Tears filled Toshiya�s eyes. He didn�t want to hurt anyone, but it seemed that Kaoru was bound to be hurt.
"Kaoru� I�m so sorry," Toshiya said, rising from the chair to go stand by the door. He caught one glimpse of Kaoru, heading into the elevator. He turned around and their eyes met briefly. A tear shined on Kaoru�s cheek. He brushed it away as the elevator doors shut, leaving Toshiya to ponder his situation in solitude.
* * *
Kaoru walked into his own apartment and dropped his keys on the floor next to the door. He shut the door, walked through the hall and to his bedroom without seeing anything, and collapsed face-down on his bed. He landed in a spread-eagle position, feeling very emotionally drained. The phone rang and he couldn�t even muster up the energy to answer it, so he let the machine do it. After four rings the recorded quality of Kaoru�s voice played, answering the phone so that he didn�t have to.
"Hello, I�m not in right now, but leave me a message; and it had better be good, and I�ll�" The person on the phone hung up.
Kaoru groaned into his pillow.
�It was probably Toshiya, calling to apologize or some such thing�� He shifted his body on the bed so that he was laying on his right side with his arms crossed over his chest and knees drawn up in a fetal position.
"What was I expecting, anyway? For Toshiya to just drop everything and run off with me?" He laughed cynically to himself as he hugged himself tighter.
//He had decided to go back to Toshiya�s once his anger had worn off and his gas tank had begun to run low. When he�d arrived, he found Toshiya�s door unlocked, very unusual; especially at this time of night. Kaoru had cautiously opened the door and slipped in.
"Toshiya?" he had called out, hoping that nothing bad had happened to the distraught boy in his absence. He looked down the hall and saw the light in Toshiya�s bedroom blazing. This made Kaoru feel better; maybe Toshiya had just fallen asleep and neglected to check everything. He had headed down the hall to check on Toshiya and turn out the lights for him. Lightly he had knocked on the door, making sure that Toshiya was truly asleep and not just listening to music on headphones or something. When no response was given, he opened the door and looked inside. Clothes were strewn everywhere, the bedside lamp was on, and the bedclothes were on the floor in a wadded pile at the foot of the bed. Toshiya was nowhere in sight. Kaoru had flown out of the apartment and back down to his car in record speed, his mind racing with a list of possibilities as to where the blue-haired bassist could be. At the top of the list was the hospital.
"But why would he go there? He�s still afraid of Kyo, isn�t he?" Kaoru had thought to himself. But he knew that Toshiya would not stop loving Kyo, and that he would forgive Kyo for everything in exchange for a simple apology. Toshiya was sweet and forgiving that way. It got him hurt many times, but his faith in humanity was amazing.
Kaoru had sped to the hospital, going on deserted back roads and pushing 130 kilometers per hour. He knew that if he got a ticket that he�d be delayed even further, but he didn�t care. First and foremost he had to go see Toshiya before anything happened.
At the sixth floor, he�d had a heated argument with the nurse, the same one that Toshiya had pleaded with. She recognized him as the one who had caused the ruckus earlier, and was very adamant about not letting Kaoru in. Kaoru ignored her repeated requests for him to leave, and jogged down to Kyo�s room before she could stop him. And then he had witnessed the scene�
Sure, Kyo hadn�t been conscious at the time, but still. Everyone always said that unconscious people could still hear things. Kaoru had been sick with jealousy when he saw Toshiya confess his love for Kyo, and kiss him. He couldn�t stand it a moment longer� his frustration, unrequited love, and anger came to a head in an uncontrolled sob and he had run down the hall as fast as he could back the way he had come.
He didn�t even remember the drive back to his apartment; it was all a blur to him. Instead of seeing the road, all he saw was Toshiya kissing Kyo. Tears made his vision hazy, and it was a miracle that he didn�t get into an accident.//
Kaoru�s eyelids were halfway shut, trying to block out the last few hours of his life. He knew that they would replay themselves over until Kaoru had numbed himself to the pain, but he didn�t want to face that fact yet. He just wanted to sleep. He didn�t want to have any dreams. The phone rang again, but it didn�t faze him. He just pulled a blanket over his head and closed his eyes completely, trying to sleep.
This time the person didn�t hang up in the middle of the message. The electronic beep sounded and a somber-sounding Toshiya began speaking.
"Kaoru, I don�t know if you�re home and not answering your phone or if you�re out somewhere, but when you get this message, will you come back to the hospital? We really need to talk. Please? Come as early as you can� See you soon, hopefully�"
* * *
Toshiya paced somberly around the room, waiting for either Kyo to wake up or for Kaoru to arrive. He hoped that the guitarist had received his message, and that he was willing to come. He knew that this whole melodrama needed to be resolved or else Dir en Grey would suffer badly, maybe even break up because of this. The last thing that Toshiya wanted was for the culmination of the band�s passions to be destroyed on account of him. But then again, it wasn�t HIS fault that he loved Kyo. It wasn�t HIS fault that Kaoru loved him. Still, something had to be done, and soon.
He just hoped that Kaoru would come and talk to him.
* * *
Kaoru didn�t know what to do. One part of him just wanted to stay in bed and sulk like a spoiled child. The other wanted to go and see what Toshiya wished to talk about like a rational adult. He was torn. Burying his head in his pillow, he began muttering to himself.
"This isn�t happening. I wish this wasn�t happening. I wish we could go back to two weeks ago when this really wasn�t happening. Why is this happening?" Kaoru wanted to tear his hair out, this whole situation was almost enraging. "We should have had six members� maybe then this wouldn�t have happened." The sarcastic joke surprised him; he didn�t think that he had it in him to be humorous right then. He lifted himself up on his forearms and took several deep breaths.
"To go or not to go, that�s the dilemma," Kaoru mused, sounding suspiciously like a Japanese Shakespeare. (A/N: sorry, �bout that, it slipped�) Chewing on his lower lip, he considered all of the possibilities. On one hand there was the possibility of hurting Toshiya�s feelings. On the other there was the possibility of not being able to hold himself back and seriously damaging his friendship and professional relationship with everyone. On one hand there was not having to face the problem. On the other was resolving the problem once and for all. Sighing heavily, Kaoru pushed himself out of bed and fixed his rumpled clothes. He was going to go see Toshiya.
Searching for his keys, he realized that he really didn�t want to do anymore driving; but since Shinya and Die were angry at him, and Toshiya was already at the hospital, he didn�t have much of a choice. The only problem was that he couldn�t remember where he put his keys. They weren�t on the table next to his bed, on the floor by his bed, on the couch, on the coffee table or on the dining room table. Kaoru was beginning to get frantic. He didn�t want Toshiya thinking that he wasn�t going to come, but he was stuck until he located his keys! Wishing that he had one of those key locators that you always see on infomercials at four in the morning, he grumpily went to the door, thinking that he left them in the lock. Shuffling his feet at the entryway, he kicked something that made a loud metallic clanking sound. Kaoru looked down, and to his relief saw his keys; right where he had dropped them after getting home. He bent over and picked them up, muttering that he should be more careful about things like this. Pocketing them, he didn�t bother locking his door as he left.
* * *
Toshiya looked up to the sound of footsteps approaching the door to Kyo�s room. The nurse guarding the ICU hallway had given up on trying to keep people from Kyo�s room, and had just waved Kaoru on by; and here he stood, looking sheepish and shy at the same time.
"So, you wanted to talk to me?" Kaoru said, breaking the eye contact that they had established and the awkward silence that had settled over the room the moment Kaoru set foot into it. Toshiya nodded.
"Yeah, but maybe we should go down to the cafeteria to talk�" he suggested. Kaoru nodded with a melancholy smile on his face.
"Baka, the cafeteria isn�t open yet. It�s only five in the morning�" he told the bassist, an affectionate look in his eyes. Toshiya had always had a sweet na�vet� about some things; it was one of the things that drew him towards the blue-haired man.
"Oh�" Toshiya looked down at the floor, blushing. "Well, then we can talk here." He pulled the chair that was sitting next to Kyo�s bed over to the window and motioned for Kaoru to sit down. Instead of doing that, however, Kaoru brought an extra chair that was sitting across the room and positioned it facing the one Toshiya had placed. Toshiya nodded and sat down, Kaoru doing the same.
That sat facing each other, just staring, trying to decipher what the other was thinking, until Kaoru cleared his throat, urging Toshiya to start. Toshiya sighed.
"Kaoru, about earlier�" he began. Kaoru interrupted.
"Toshiya, I want to apologize for that. I know that I shouldn�t have done that, and that it was wrong to do so. But you have to know this � I love you. I know that you�re in love with Kyo, but I also wanted a chance with you. I thought that this was the perfect opportunity. I was stupid; I should have known that even though you thought that Kyo raped you, your feelings for him wouldn�t change that easily. I hope you can forgive me for that�" Kaoru spoke in a rush, barely giving himself a chance to take in a breath. Toshiya listened to him, his attention fully focused on the guitarist. After a moment of silence, he spoke up again.
"Kaoru� I�m sorry that I can�t return your feelings, I truly am. Perhaps if this were a different time and place� but it�s not. I appreciate your honesty, and I appreciate your friendship in my time of need. Thank you. But� you know. I want Kyo. I need him. He�s my best friend. He�s the air I breathe." Toshiya paused, taking time to organize his thoughts. "I will always be your friend, Kaoru, but I can never be anything more than that. Please understand that after today I would rather not discuss this�" Each word that Toshiya said was like a knife into Kaoru�s heart, but he understood why he said what he did. Kaoru rose from his chair, feeling sadder than he had in his entire life. Toshiya stood with him. "I�m sorry�" he whispered. Kaoru shook his head, unable to speak. Toshiya felt horrible about the pain that he knew Kaoru was going through, but he said nothing else. Everything had needed to be said, both of them knew that.
Kaoru slowly turned and walked to the door, Toshiya trailing him. At the door he turned and pulled Toshiya into an embrace, kissing him tenderly. Toshiya pushed him away gently. "I love you�" he whispered. Toshiya mouthed back an �I�m sorry� that tore Kaoru�s heart out. Turning once again, Kaoru walked briskly out the door and down the hall.
Toshiya walked back to the two chairs and replaced them to where they were originally sitting. He then stole a glance at Kyo, who was still sleeping soundly. He went to the window and opened the blinds. The sun was coming up over the horizon, and a gentle light bathed the room in an evanescent glow. Toshiya leaned against the window and stared into the dawn, wishing that life were easier.
* * *
A single tear slid down Kyo�s cheek. Quietly, he turned his head to where Toshiya was standing, careful not the rustle the pillowcase and catch the bassist�s attention. The sight he saw was breathtaking. The tall, slim, beautiful blue-haired man was framed by the light of dawn as if he were a vision. It made Kyo�s breath catch in his throat to look on such magnificence. It made his heart beat faster with the love he felt well up inside of him. It made more tears flow to know that he would never be his.
"I hope you�ll be happy," he said suddenly, alerting Toshiya to his consciousness. Toshiya turned and smiled, a confused look on his face.
"Kyo-chan, you�re awake! What do you mean by that?" he asked, a bright expression in his voice. Kyo grumbled at the �chan� and took a deep breath.
"With Kaoru I mean. I hope you�ll be happy with him." Toshiya�s mouth dropped open, and he began to giggle.
"Me and Kaoru? How absurd! Whatever gave you the idea that Kaoru and I were getting together?"
"I just saw you kiss him," Kyo stated flatly, his voice sounding dead. Toshiya�s mouth formed an �o� of surprise.
"How long were you listening to us?" he asked.
"Long enough to know that he loves you, and you must love him back too. Who couldn�t love Kaoru? He�s so much better looking than a short, ugly vocalist�" Kyo�s expression turned dark. Toshiya raised his eyebrows.
"You weren�t listening long enough, darling. Before that I had told Kaoru that we�re just friends and can never be anything more because I love someone else." Toshiya sauntered up to the injured and brooding Kyo, sitting in the chair and taking hold of his hand. "You must know who I�m talking about�" he whispered softly. Kyo shook his head, not able to believe that his wildest dreams were coming true. Toshiya leaned over and kissed Kyo for the second time, Kyo responding to the touch with a hint of disbelief in the returned kiss. When they broke apart, Kyo looked into Toshiya�s eyes, searching for any sign that this was all a joke.
"Toshiya�" Kyo said, his voice getting caught in his throat and warping the lovely name. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Toshiya, you have no idea how long I�ve loved you� I�ve dreamt about you every night, and thought about you every waking moment."
"And I�ve done the same with you, Kyo� my Kyo. I�ve loved you from the first time I saw you. And now I can have you, and you can have me. Does that make you happy?" Kyo nodded as best he could. Toshiya smiled. Kyo reached up, fingering Toshiya�s bruises.
"Oh Toshiya�" he breathed. "About the rape�" Kyo was about to explain the whole thing, but Toshiya cut him off.
"Kyo, it doesn�t matter. Whatever happened, I forgive you�" Toshiya smiled down at Kyo, but Kyo didn�t return the smile.
"But�" he tried to start again. Toshiya placed a finger against his lip.
"Shh� don�t worry about it," he said, bending down for another kiss. Kyo relented, figuring that there would be plenty of time to tell him everything. "Promise me you�ll never leave me," Toshiya whispered urgently into Kyo�s mouth. Kyo smiled into the kiss and took the opportunity of Toshiya�s mouth being open to let his tongue graze Toshiya�s. But Toshiya clamped his mouth shut, ending the kiss. Kyo took the hint and offered a comforting smile. It would be a while before Toshiya trusted anyone again, but Kyo was willing to wait.
"Of course I�ll never leave you, Totchi� I love you."
* * *
~ OWARI ~