Out In the Cold
By: Lily—[email protected]
The Pre-ramble:
Konnichi wa, minna! Thank you for coming to read my fic. This is a one-shot…so let me know how it goes. (Takes place within the Macabre period…) Please, make use of the above link and comment. I always appreciate a nice comment. It’s very motivational. Anyway, here’s the fic.
Apologies:
First off, this is the first complete yaoi lemon I’ve ever written. Gomen if it sucks.
Secondly, I obviously do not know how much the American dollar is worth in yen, so my yen amounts are probably very inaccurate.
Third, I’ve never been to Japan, so I don’t know any street names. I just made them all up.
Disclaimer:
Obviously, Dir en grey belong to themselves. I also know nothing of their pasts, and anything said is merely speculation, educated guess, and fiction.
In addition, Duel Jewel belong to themselves, as do the songs I mentioned.
Dedication:
For Oma, my great grandmother who was hospitalized Wednesday, December 18th, and continues to suffer with ailments.
For Angelina FILTH, the one who inspired me to write this with her slutty-Toshiya obsession.
For Dir en grey, for being some of the people I admire most.
For Duel Jewel, for making kick-ass music and being so nice to your fans.
You guys all rock!
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It was a cold winter night in Tokyo. Frost glittered on the outside window and what little light outdoors made it shine like an ethereal holiness. While it was cold outside though, inside the apartment it was warm, almost uncomfortably warm.
His body shifted restlessly, trying to find some sort of comfort in the Western-style bed without disturbing the body that seemed to find it so wonderful to lie almost on top of him, head pillowed on his chest. He’d never imagined himself in this situation ever in his life. Now here he lay, Toshiya’s blue hair cascading over his shoulders, a soft content smile on his lips. He could almost believe he was the cause of that contentment, and that he felt as content and full too.
Kaoru felt a flexing near his hips and looked quickly over Toshiya’s shoulder to the other occupant in the bed. That shattered his precious illusion. The red hair standing out brilliantly even in the night took away the dream-like quality of the situation, and brought forth an ugly truth. Even though his body enjoyed it, this wasn’t where he wanted to be.
Kaoru didn’t want Toshiya’s arms wrapped tightly around him, squeezing, suffocating, needing. He didn’t want the younger man’s leash and collar anymore. What Kaoru wanted was to be wrapped in the smooth strong arms of the other guitarist in his band. He’d felt a craving for tender calloused hands cupping his face as a mouth fed at his with the ravenous hunger of one denied for so long.
Why couldn’t it be that way? He asked himself, staring at the arm draped carelessly over Toshiya’s waist, who draped himself carelessly over Kaoru. He wanted to caress that arm, touch part of one he longed for so much. Dare he? Kaoru reached out tentatively and brushed just his fingertips over the skin of Die’s forearm, almost sighing aloud from the anxiety and longing that swirled within him.
The fingertips stopped moving just below the elbow as Kaoru felt Die wake up, a tension in the arm that wasn’t there before. Hesitantly, Kaoru followed the line of Die’s arm. He admired the smooth sculpted look the body had. All natural he was betting, just good genetics. His eyes passed full firm lips that looked very kissable, in his opinion. That beautiful jaw line he’d love to run his fingertips over.
Finally his eyes met another pair of open almond-shaped eyes. He felt himself getting lost in Die’s eyes even as his rational mind kicked in, screaming that it could never be. They were Toshiya’s and dear little Totchi didn’t share, not even between his other possessions. Spoiled brat, his mind echoed venomously.
Still, in the dark Die’s intoxicating presence reigned supreme, so Kaoru pushed all depressing thoughts to the back of his mind deliberately. Die offered a soft smile to Kaoru, and Kaoru’s heart melted into a warm puddle of goo. Damn Toshiya. An answering smile sprung up on Kaoru’s face unbidden.
The moment he’d seen Die’s smile his fingers had begun their light downward travel and now they had almost reached Die’s wrist. Still smiling, Die turned his hand over so he could grasp Kaoru’s. The aforementioned man could feel his eyes widen in the dark with surprise, but doubted Die could see it. The hold on his hand was secure and Kaoru drank in the sensation. He felt like he was absorbing part of Die into himself through the pores in his skin.
Smiling in contentment while looking into Die’s eyes, marveling at the feeling of being truly near the guitarist, Kaoru drifted off to sleep.
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The next day at practice things were tense. Well…only for Die, it seemed. He’d thought that last night barriers had been broken, the first step made. Now the morning after Toshiya was all over Kaoru. He must’ve seen their entwined hands early in the morning.
Shinya and Kyo, Toshiya’s other ‘possessions’ were sullen and feeling neglected. It wasn’t fair for Toshiya to be playing favorites at work. They’d agreed previously that work would stay at work and what they did at home would stay there also. It helped keep a peaceful, balanced atmosphere.
Die honestly couldn’t have cared less; it had been beyond his capabilities for awhile now. His thoughts were constantly occupied with someone else as of late. Still, it bothered him to see Shinya behind his drum set, looking forlorn, and watching Kyo chain-smoke miserably in a corner. Yes, Toshiya had certainly trapped them all.
The things some of the fans implied were true, up to a point. One by one, Toshiya had managed to ensnare them all, starting with Kyo, since he had lived with the vocalist first, and ending with Kaoru. Kaoru had been the last to fall, the most reluctant to crumble because of his role as the ‘leader-san’. However, even the great leader-san had given in to the skirt-wearing, wanton bassist. It was so pathetic it was laughable. They were all sort of like Toshiya’s ‘boyfriends’ or something equally deranged.
A bright, tinkling laugh brought Die out of his thoughts on how they had ended up in their current predicament. Toshiya leaned further over the humongous amp at Kaoru, giving Kyo a wonderful view of his ass. He heard Kyo growl under his breath.
"Aw, Kao Kao, you’re so funny!"
So Toshiya was going with ditzy seduction today. Die looked at Kaoru, waiting for a response tensely. Kaoru’s _expression was the same he always wore when practicing, serious and determined.
"Iie, Toshiya. I’m not. Now, we really should start practice again," he said, looking directly at Toshiya.
Yay, Kaoru! Die wanted to cheer, my savior! Watching Toshiya flirt was about as much fun as eating cardboard. Toshiya wilted visibly, and slunk off with an indignant, "Fine, Kaoru. See if I care," called over his back. The bassist sidled up to Die, intending to throw a barb at Kaoru. He truly had seen their embrace that morning, and as innocent as it seemed there was something about it that just bothered him.
"Ne, Die-kun, what are you doing tonight?"
The sugary sweet voice Toshiya used made Die want to retch. "Sorry Toshiya, busy," he said quickly. Toshiya’s eyebrows went up. "Oh." Wasting no time, the bassist turned to Kyo and asked, "What about you?"
Kyo, ever the perceptive little bugger, knew Toshiya’s game and didn’t want to play. Still, he didn’t want to lie… "I—" he tripped over his own tongue, probably a first for the vertically challenged vocalist. Die interrupted, seeing Kyo’s hesitation, "My plans are with Kyo," he said, shooting the vocalist a look which said ‘just play along.’ "We’re going out to see a band." Kyo shot a look filled with gratitude at Die just as Toshiya turned to Shinya, who had turned into a living statue behind his drum set, watching carefully as all of this went on.
Knowing what Toshiya was going to say before he even opened his mouth, Die spoke first. "Shinya-kun, we were wondering if you’d like to come with us?" Shinya seemed to freeze up even more, if possible, from indecision, his eyes shifted back and forth between Toshiya and Die. Should he stay home, hook up with Toshiya inevitably, endure his tender tortures and be a pawn in his horrible game? Or go with Die, see some band, have a few drinks and enjoy some time with friends? "Y-yes," he stammered out quietly into the silence.
"Great, now—" Kaoru was cut off.
"And just who are you going to see?" Toshiya asked venomously, suspicious eyes aimed at Die.
"Ano…" Die ransacked his brain for anything he could remember, "Duel Jewel! They’re playing at Ikebukuro Center. I’ve heard they’re pretty good."
"Yeah, me too," Kyo quickly agreed, wanting to convince Toshiya to shut the hell up before he made an even bigger ass of himself.
"This is all wonderful, but really, we need to practice," Kaoru broke in.
Suddenly Die got an idea. "Hey Kaoru-kun, you want to come?" The purple haired man looked wistful. "I’d like to…demo, I promised myself I would catch up on my housekeeping tonight." Kaoru smiled, seeming sad. Damn, Die thought, this would’ve been the perfect chance to discreetly ogle Kaoru all night long. "Okay," Die answered out loud, easily hiding his disappointment.
"Uh! Don’t you want to know if I can come?" Toshiya asked, sounding petulant.
Kaoru picked up his guitar and slung it over his shoulder. Shinya twirled a drumstick in anticipation, and Die strode over to his own guitar. Kyo stubbed out his current cigarette and stood up. "No," he answered bluntly and walked to his customary spot where he stood to sing.
Toshiya’s jaw hung wide enough to catch flies as he stood, clearly boggled as to how someone could disregard him. Kaoru cleared his throat, throwing an annoyed glance over his shoulder at Toshiya. The said man noticed the lead guitarist glaring daggers at him and snapped to it, grabbing his bass.
Toshiya played listlessly for the rest of practice, seemingly determined that because they had ruined his evening, he was going to ruin their practice. How childish, Die thought. He could see clearly how infuriating it was for Kaoru, who was such a perfectionist when it came to music and wanted everything to sound, look, and be perfect. Still, the purple haired man was holding his tongue, wanting just as much as everyone else in the room to get practice over and done with. Gritting his teeth, the elder man held on to his raft of irritated silence.
Finally practice was over and they packed up eagerly, except for Toshiya who moved as slow as possible, making them all wait for him since they had to lock up. Die waited impatiently by the door, coincidentally next to Kaoru. "Ne, Kaoru-kun, are you sure you don’t want to come?" Die asked suddenly, hoping to spend just a bit more time with the elusive guitarist.
"Yeah…I’m sure. I really have to clean my place; it’s a sty. If you want to stop by later though, feel free. We could watch a movie or something…" Kaoru volunteered as compensation.
"Well…I guess it depends on what time we get back…" Die murmured, "But thanks."
Finally Toshiya was ready to go, looking sullen and pouty. Die smiled inwardly when Shinya and Kyo ignored the bassist’s sour attitude. Everyone walked out of the room together, as they always did and Kaoru locked the door behind them. The band members walked down the hall silently until they stepped outside into the fresh air.
Toshiya stomped off immediately and took off in his car. Once the angry bassist was gone Kaoru let out a heavy sigh of relief and leaned back against the building, taking out a pack of cigarettes. Die watching as the man lit up and his violet hair fell across his face. His fingers itched to sweep it back, to feel the unreal-looking hair, and stare into deep brown eyes.
"Ne, Die-kun," Shinya said suddenly in his quiet manner, "When is the show?" Die came back to reality with effort and looked at Shinya. "Oh, doors open at 8 o’ clock, and the show begins at 8:30. It’s 200 yen at the door."
Kaoru blew out a line of smoke and Die’s eyes strayed back to him, looking at the finely boned fingers, which held the cigarette. Die felt jealous of that cigarette for having touched Kaoru’s lips. Yes, rather pathetic, isn’t it? "Okay…" Shinya’s voice broke into his thoughts, "Should I just meet you guys there, then? I’ve never been there before. I’ll need directions."
Kyo spoke up and it was only then that Die realized he had been paying attention to the conversation at all. "Don’t worry about it, Shinya-kun. I’m sure Die wouldn’t mind picking us up. Would you, Die-kun?" Kyo turned questioning eyes onto him.
"Sure, that’s no problem," Die said, eyes straying to Kaoru at the end. The older man had been silent during the exchange. Once Die finished speaking, Kaoru stood up and tossed down his cigarette to lie smoldering on the pavement. "I’m going to get home," he said and began walking to his car.
"Bye, Kaoru-kun," Shinya said.
"See you tomorrow!" Kyo called while waving.
"Ja ne, Kaoru-kun," Die called out as well.
The three remaining members of Toshiya’s lovers split up to go home and relax, eat something, etc., before the performance later.
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It was crowded at Ikebukuro Center that night. Apparently they weren’t the only ones who had heard Duel Jewel was good. Shinya, Die, and Kyo found a table with a good view of the stage, but still relatively close to the bar. To pass the time until the performance began they ordered drinks and sipped slowly. Kyo and Shinya were talking quietly while they drank, and Die stared at the rim of his glass, thinking about a certain purple haired guitarist, and the look on his face before he’d left. He wondered if it could mean what he’d thought it could.
"—ello? Daisuke?!" Kyo questioned loudly, waving his hand in front of Die’s face. Shocked, he raised his eyes to Kyo and responded with a, "Nani?"
"They’re about to start," Kyo said and nodded toward the stage where Hayato was taking his place at the microphone. The rest of the members all stood, or sat in Val’s case, with their instruments in hand. (Or in front of them…) The band started off with "Kizuna ~pray to gray~" and its intoxicating rhythm took over. The singer had a nice voice, melodic but still very loud and clear.
The three members of Dir en grey continued to drink and talk quietly amongst themselves, Kyo taking it a bit easier on the alcohol than the other two. The good music continued to pour forth from the speakers. Shinya commented that the drumbeat was good, a major compliment indeed. Die was getting shitfaced, mindlessly ordering drink after drink while thinking about Kaoru.
Duel Jewel closed up their performance with "Chaste Sin", and did their rendition of "ZAN" as an encore. At the end of this song, Kyo clapped and cheered very loudly, but luckily no one paid attention because it was so crowded. The blond vocalist sat down, looking flattered.
"That was a good song," Kyo said.
"Yes, it was," Shinya agreed, "Very well-played."
Kyo and Shinya looked at Die, expecting him to comment next. The guitarist had his head resting on his arms. The look on his face said it all. Apparently, he’d had enough to drink.
"Come on," Kyo roused him, "Time to go." Die groaned, feeling woozy, but stood up slowly. He managed to stay upright with the vocalist’s help. Holding up a nearly five-foot, eight-inch man was a challenge for the tiny blond guy, but he managed. Shinya patted Die down with a business-like air about him, looking for the keys to Die’s car since he was in no shape to drive.
Once Shinya held up the keys triumphantly, the two sober people switched burdens, Kyo grabbing the keys and heading for the car, and Shinya supporting the drunken guitarist. The trio of musicians left the bar, Die leaning heavily on Shinya. Kyo drove, depositing Shinya off at his apartment first.
On the way to Kyo’s apartment, Die suddenly lurched to open the car door. "Shit!" Kyo cried as the door flung open. He wrenched the steering wheel so the car ended up on the side of the road safely. Die leaned out of the car simultaneously and began retching up the contents of his stomach. After a full ten minutes, four spent dry heaving, Die leaned back into the car and shut the door quietly. His head was already pounding and every little sound made him wince.
It was silent for a moment before Kyo spoke, saying sympathetically, "You’re going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning."
Die groaned, leaning his head back against the seat. "I know," he said in a pitiful voice.
Kyo waited a moment longer before putting the car back into drive and pulling out into traffic. All was silent until they reached Kyo’s apartment building. "Die," Kyo said softly.
"Hmm?" The guitarist rotated his head so he could face Kyo.
The vocalist looked very serious in the dim lighting of the dashboard, and turned to Die with concern in his eyes. "Tell me the truth," he began, "Are you okay enough to drive home? Or do you want to stay the night? I could also drop you off at home…it would be no problem for me to take a cab back." Kyo’s words were spoken quietly and slowly, like he knew that Die’s hearing was slightly muffled from his alcohol-induced lethargy.
He did manage to grasp the jist of what his friend was telling him, though, and after a moment of deep thought, turned to look at Kyo. "Nah, I’m okay to drive."
"You’re sure?" Kyo asked with raised eyebrows.
"Positive. Give me the keys and I’ll haul my ass home." Die responded. His eyes registered Kyo’s concerned look, so he spoke up as reassurance. "I’m okay to drive, really. I puked, now I’m all better. Ten and some odd years of drinking has given me some sort of tolerance to the stuff. I’m like the Superman of drunks." Die held out his hand expectantly.
"Alright…" Kyo acquiesced hesitantly. He pulled the keys out of the ignition. "But if I have to come bail you out of jail because you crashed into a telephone pole, I’ll kick your drunk-ass self." He dropped the keys into Die’s hand, and smiled wanly before clambering out of the car.
"Ah, you know you love me anyway, drunk-ass or not," Die said with a smile as he too climbed out of the car. Kyo walked around to the passenger side of the car, near the door to his apartment building. "See you tomorrow, Die-kun. Oh, and thanks for inviting me out," The lyricist called as he went through the front door.
"My pleasure!" Die shot back, wincing momentarily at the volume of his own voice. He’d never noticed how loud it was before; it seemed to leave a ringing in his ears. Sitting down in the driver’s seat, Die roared the engine to life, and started out for home.
Absently he wondered what Kaoru was doing. Was he still cleaning his apaato? The elder man could only stand untidiness up to a certain point, and then he unleashed the magical tools gifted from the Cleaning Gods upon his domicile. (Or his bandmates’, if they happened to be simply intolerable…) Or was Kaoru done now, relaxing on his couch watching some TV? Waiting for Die to show up, or call to say he couldn’t come?
Die passed Izukori Avenue; the street Kaoru’s apaato was located on. In a sudden burst of drunken impulsiveness, he swung the car around in the middle of the intersection, doing somewhat of a U-turn until he launched off in the direction of Kaoru’s apartment. After all, Kaoru had invited him over earlier, and it would be awfully rude to bypass such a kind invitation. (And a chance to look at Kaoru’s butt…)
He parked in front of a discreet apartment building, rather ordinary looking. No one would ever suspect such a prominent man like Kaoru of Dir en grey to live there. Die turned off the roaring engine and stepped out carefully. The street was lined with old newspapers and empty coffee cups from McDonald’s. There was even an abandoned rubber lying in the gutter, Die noted with a strangely amused smile. He didn’t want to know how it had gotten there.
With all the grace of a wasted old fool, Die climbed the short stairway and rang the buzzer for apartment 113: Niikura, K. He waited a moment under the dim lighting of the street until a crackly voice came over the intercom. "Who’s there?" The mechanical box asked.
He pressed the button to speak. "It’s Die."
"Oh!" The box sounded hollowly surprised, the box which resounded with Kaoru’s low, husky tones. "Come on up." A buzzing noise sounded and Die pulled open the front door before it could lock again. Bastardized apartment doors, he thought, whoever designed the hellish things? He took his time on the stairs, not wanting to trip and fall flat on his ass, or something equally embarrassing. His hand slid along the banister the whole way up to the second floor.
"Ouch!" Die cried abruptly. He looked down at his palm. There was a piece of wood stuck into the soft middle of his hand, just a sliver. Okay, a large sliver. Blood was pooling around the edges of it, and he could see the very tip of it under his skin. The end had somehow hooked so it came out the other side. That was the part that really hurt. Dammit, he hated slivers. Die gingerly took hold of the larger end and, with a downward press on the far end so it would go back inside his skin, pulled it out. The dexterity of the move was incongruous with the amount of alcohol he’d imbibed, demonstrating his ‘Superman’ abilities.
Small grains of wood were left inside his skin, but he decided to worry about it later. Kaoru was waiting, and he was taking such a long time. Die continued on up the stairs and to Kaoru’s apartment door. He knocked softly, and waited for the door to swing open. When it finally did, a second later, he was greeted by the comforting smell of tea, vanilla, cigarettes, and underneath that all, the scent of Kaoru.
Die looked up at the older man, and as with every time, the sight took away his breath. His heart beat faster, his pulse sped, and his mood immediately perked up. "Ohayou," Kaoru greeted in a friendly manner, "I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to make it. I’d almost given up hope." Kaoru smiled then, his eyes lighting up with the effect.
"Oh. Well, I almost didn’t make it," Die said with his usual joking manner, "Space aliens kidnapped me and were trying to get me drunk so they could impregnate me in some backwards manner…But you know me, I’m never one to disappoint." He smiled at Kaoru.
"So Shinya and Kyo now are aliens?" Kaoru asked with an amused look on his face.
"Kyo’s a strangeoid, all those safety pins and such. And you know that Shinya, he’s a weird one. So quiet…it’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for!" Die shot back.
"So then I guess we don’t have to worry about you, eh?" Kaoru asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh ha ha. You’re so funny, Kaoru-kun." Die said with a roll of his eyeballs.
"I try," the purple-haired man replied, "Come on in." Kaoru stood back from the door, allowing Die to pass. Die’s mind was meanwhile a fuzzy mass, but despite his feelings of lethargy he found an immense pleasure within himself to be near the other guitarist.
The red head stepped on the heel of one shoe with his toe and slipped out of it, then did the same to the other. Kaoru had closed the door and locked it, once with the knob’s lock, twice with the chain lock. He waited patiently for Die, who, when finished, looked up inquisitively. For a moment Die’s eyes were fever-bright from unsaid thoughts and feelings, then he looked away and took the moment to shut off that telltale sign of weakness.
"Make yourself at home," Kaoru said, gesturing to the couch, "I was just making some tea. Would you like some?"
"Sure. Tea sounds great," Die responded, taking off his coat and hanging it up in the closet by the door.
While Kaoru vanished into the kitchen, Die walked about the living room restlessly. He saw that up on a shelf Kaoru had a picture of Dir en grey from the early Gauze era. Those were the good ol’ days, back when Toshiya was content with just Kyo. He looked at the picture, at those smiling faces, and thought how alien they were. Himself and Kaoru were next to each other, and Die had his arm draped over Kaoru’s shoulder. Then came Toshiya, in the middle as always, and Kyo right next to him holding up a copy of their first single. On the far end stood Shinya, smiling in a bright subdued fashion.
"I miss those days…" A soft voice said over his shoulder. Die jumped a bit and turned for he had not even heard Kaoru come up behind him. The violet-haired man stood holding two mugs of tea bought in a store in America. He was looking at the picture too, remembering how uncomplicated things had been back then. "Look, your hair was still as long as mine then," Kaoru pointed out with a wistful smile.
"Yeah," Die said, looking back at the picture, "I sort of miss it, but it was a pain in the butt to take care of. I don’t know how you manage yours all by yourself."
Kaoru shrugged then. "Patience." Suddenly he looked directly at Die with a fond smile. "Hey, remember that time when you, me, and Kyo went to that one bar…oh, what’s its name?…and Kyo got so wasted that he couldn’t walk and we had to carry him home because we had all walked there."
"Do I! It was so funny! At one point he thought a lamppost was some hot chick with really long legs and started hitting on it! Then he kissed it and was like, ‘Damn, you smoke too much! Taste like ash!’"
"And you started laughing so hard you stumbled into the street!" Kaoru cried in conclusion. The two of them cracked up over the memory. "Oh man, good times, good times…" Kaoru trailed off at the end of his laughter.
"Yeah, but…" Die sobered up, "Now our band’s so fucked up. Toshiya’s having such a literally fucking good time at our expense. Did you see earlier today? He tried to pit us against each other for the fun of it!"
"I know, but why am I supposed to do about it? I couldn’t keep him out of my pants, and now we’re all suffering for it. It’s unfair to everyone to have to put up with it. Especially Kyo. I mean, he’s been with Toshiya since the beginning. He had to watch as Totchi took us as his other lovers, watch as he fucked us. He must have felt incredibly inept, like he wasn’t enough to satisfy Toshiya’s appetite." Kaoru demonstrated his empathetic abilities by revealing just what had been on Die’s mind earlier.
"I think he still does," Die said sadly. The mug in his hand, which he’d taken from Kaoru, was quickly cooling in his hand. He took a sip, not wanting it to go to waste.
"Probably. And poor Shinya, he also had to watch Toshiya take up the two of us. You know, I think he was in love with Toshiya at the beginning," Kaoru said, looking up at Die with a frown on his face.
"I think maybe we all were in different ways, but after time he just fucked it out of us by being an insensitive jerk. I know that I still like Toshiya. He’s fun to be around and is a great bassist when he’s not pouting. But love? No. Not anymore. He holds us so tightly that he squeezes it out of us, every last drop." Inside Die was glowering, though his face remained neutral.
"I know. At the beginning I loved Toshiya as a kid brother, but I also thought he was attractive. How could I not? We all did. But now I just…want to go back to the way things were, before all of this." Kaoru waved his hand at the symbolic situation, encompassing the room to demonstrate the enormity of it.
"I know what you mean," Die said, "Me too.
"You know what the worst part of it is?" Die asked abruptly.
"Nani?" Kaoru replied with a question in his eyes.
"We’re all like flies trapped in a web spun by Toshiya, even Totchi himself, and the webbing is so sticky that we can’t release ourselves. It hinders our movements, keeps us from our goals, our desires." Die feared he had spoken too much, revealed too much of himself.
"Agreed," Kaoru said with a look in his eyes that held pure emotions. His eyes had that watery look to them people get just before they cry. Kaoru looked deep into Die’s eyes and drew a breath. Now that they were on the subject, it was now or never…
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Kaoru looked at Die, at the way the red hair framed a face made of strong bones and soft skin, drew courage from the slightly unfocused almond eyes. Yes, he knew Die had been drinking, but he also knew about Die’s miraculous recovery speed. The man now seemed coherent and stable. He tried to find the words to lead into such steep territory. He figured since they already well away from the shallow end of the pool, they might as well go to the deep end while they were at it.
"Die-kun…"
Die looked at Kaoru questioningly.
"I—I’m not sure how to say this…" Kaoru trailed off uncertainly.
"It’s okay, Kaoru-kun, just say it." Die offered affectionately.
"Well, this is one of those things which requires tact…I—" His courage failed him, "I’m going to stop seeing Toshiya. This is tearing apart our band. I’m going to recommend to Toshiya that he get his love life sorted out with the rest of you. There has to be some sort of finality here." Kaoru cursed himself thrice over for his sudden cowardice.
"Oh," Die looked down in disappointment, "That’s good. I’m going to stop seeing Toshiya too…It’s just not right." He volunteered his words in hope the other guitarist would get the hint.
"I’m glad," Kaoru said with a sudden smile, "It’s about time we started getting these matters resolved."
"Yes," Die agreed, looking at Kaoru with a funny _expression. Nothing. Well I guess he just needs something more obvious…
"Kaoru," Die began, "Close your eyes."
"What? Why?" Kaoru asked, puzzled as to why such an order would be given.
"Just do it," Die said with an exasperated tone of voice. So he did. His eyes closed, and there was a gentle fluttering of lashes on his cheekbones. Kaoru could feel the trembling aura of Die nearby him, hear the gentle hum of the heater kicking on, feel the warm breeze across his flesh. Suddenly his nostrils filled with the scent of strawberries, instantly knowing it was the scent of Die’s shampoo, but he would have to be…
The sensation of soft lips touching his was felt. Kaoru’s eyes shot open immediately and he stared at Die from a millimeter away. Soft strands of red were tickling Kaoru’s nose, and Die’s eyes were closed just as he had told Kaoru to do a millisecond earlier. He seemed to be savoring the kiss, and even though it lasted only a moment Kaoru savored it also. He drew in the sensations of a long-awaited embrace, felt the softness of Die’s lips. They were the softest he’d ever kissed. When Die drew back he looked into Kaoru’s open eyes, and saw the question written in them.
"Kaoru, you are an idiot. I have been dropping hints for weeks, and you are just too dense to notice or too dumb to care," Die said while shaking his head.
"I—I—" was all Kaoru could stutter.
"’I—I—‘" Die mocked, "Is that all you have to say?"
Stunned, Kaoru sat back. Then in a sudden rushed decision, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Die’s, harder than the previous kiss and more demanding. When he pulled back, Die was breathless and looked at him with wide eyes. "That is what I have to say, Daisuke Ando, and also, I love you."
Die smiled widely then. "I love you too," he said with a sort of joyous shock at saying the words out loud for the first time. "Oh, Kaoru," he gushed suddenly and wrapped his arms around the shorter guitarist. Kaoru hugged back with equal fervor, then pulled back.
"Stay the night," he said to Die, "I’ve waited so long to hold you in my arms, I don’t want it to end just yet."
"Okay," Die said with a lighthearted happiness in his voice and tugged Kaoru to the bedroom, setting down their mugs along the way.
"Wait, where are we going?" Kaoru asked while Die was plucked the cup from his hands.
"Why, silly, we are going to your room. It is, after all, well past bedtime," Die said in a horrible imitation of a motherly voice.
Kaoru laughed and kissed the man he had fallen for on the lips, lingering for a moment, drawing the sensations out and tucking them deep within himself. Die drew back and continued on his determined course, walking backwards, tangling his limbs with Kaoru as much as he could.
They stopped many times in the hall to kiss and touch each other, marveling at the extreme realization that was taking place. At one point, Kaoru even had Die pressed up against a wall, pressed together so tightly there was nowhere for Die to escape, except to break down his body into its small molecular particles and go through him. Kaoru’s hands were up his shirt, exploring the front of his chest, drawing the shirt up higher and over his head in the same motion. It ended up on the floor.
Die drew up his strength, grasping Kaoru’s arms below the elbow and suddenly switching their positions so Kaoru was the one against the wall. Kaoru made a breathy sound of surprise when Die yanked him away from the wall and propelled him backwards into the bedroom.
The two men fell on the bed with a heavy thud, Die on top. It was a more traditional style bed, low to the ground, so they didn’t have to worry about breaking the box spring. Kaoru kissed Die heavily, just barely allowing short breaks for breathing in between the sweet kisses that reminded Die of chocolate—smooth and just dark enough with a little zest to it. (If you get the good chocolate.)
Die’s fingers moved to Kaoru’s buttons, undoing them one by one until the entire shirt was open, exposing the front upper-half of Kaoru’s body. His chest looked thin, as most men’s did within their business because the pressure to be small and feminine looking was always there, even if you were dressing very man-ish. Still, there was muscle on it, indicating that Kaoru was naturally thin, and on him, thin looked good. It had worked very well for his androgynous look in the Gauze era.
Die leaned down and kissed the pale neck exposed, and moved down slowly, his tongue making a thick wet line until it happened to encounter a nipple. Kaoru gasped as the wet roughness of Die’s tongue raked over his sensitive flesh and his hands tightened, nails digging into Die’s back. His mind was lost in a rose-colored haze as forbidden dreams became forbidden reality.
Die smiled at Kaoru’s responses and ran his hands up the other guitarist’s chest, nails running along it gently. His hands pushed the rest of Kaoru’s shirt off his shoulders and he leaned down to plant gentle kisses along the elder’s collarbone. Kaoru let his hands wander over Die’s body, trying to find some purchase, a piece of proof that this was really happening. It seemed so vague and unreal. Maybe because he had desired it so much and for so long he thought it was just too good to be true.
Die’s lips found Kaoru’s again and tongues fought for dominance in an age-old representation of that final act of completion. When Die finally pulled away, he looked at Kaoru’s eyes, hazy and unfocused, pupils large and glittering within the coffee colored irises. That surge of emotion filled him, coupled with the elation of finally getting what he had always wanted. "Aishiteru…Aishiteru yo," Die whispered, leaning down to kiss the purple-haired man underneath him again with heartfelt emotions.
Kaoru melted into the kiss and felt weak in his limbs. The way Die had said it…like he wanted Kaoru as much as Kaoru wanted him, for such a long time. It filled the crevices of his heart, and made all the longing and pain worth it.
Die pulled away, breath catching in his throat. He felt like crying and laughing all at the same time. If this were a dream, let it never end, let me die like this, happy and fulfilled. Die wanted to give Kaoru a piece of himself, something he had never given to anyone else. Something else beside the organ Kaoru already held within the palm of his hand: his heart. He wanted to take that final leap of faith off the edge of the great chasm which is love. Die wanted Kaoru to have…to take his virginity. His anal virginity, that is. Die had begun sleeping with males and females alike by the age of seventeen, like most boys do, but he had never allowed himself to be the bottom. He had never trusted someone that much, as much as he did Kaoru.
Kaoru was busy pressing kisses to his chest and neck. His tongue traced small circles everywhere his mouth went. Abruptly Die pulled away. "Huh?" Kaoru asked in a small, confused voice filled with lust and other things. "Kaoru," Die began, "I…I want you to be my first." Die sat up and swung his body off of Kaoru, and onto the other side of the bed, so he was lying on his back.
Kaoru looked at Die for a moment, trying to comprehend what he was saying through the fog in his mind. Finally it clicked. Die lying beneath him in a most vulnerable position, his eyes filled with the weight of the world. Die…wanted him to be top. Kaoru had no problem doing this, but he somehow sensed that Die wasn’t used to this, to letting someone else be in control. The trust in his eyes somehow portrayed all that without uttering a single syllable.
"Okay," Kaoru said softly in agreement. Slowly, he climbed between Die’s legs, sitting on his heels. The air around them had changed from hot, heavy lust to something no less heavy, but tinged with a solemnity. With trembling hands, he removed Die’s belt from his pants, and slowly undid the first button. Reverently, Kaoru leaned up and kissed Die gently, licking the soft lower lip as he pulled away. The zipper of the pants came down, and Kaoru leaned up again, kissing and licking on Die’s stomach to distract himself as his hands pushed down the pants and boxers in a hesitant movement. Backing away, Kaoru dragged the rest of it off of Die’s body, tossing the clothing onto the ground.
His eyes wandered over Die’s body, craving the sight of skin stretched tight over muscle and bone. He knew Die had been dieting carefully lately and exercising. Frankly, Kaoru thought it was stupid, but whatever the guitarist wanted to do in his spare time was his business. Die was shivering slightly, but Kaoru couldn’t tell if it was from his intense gaze or from the cold air in the apartment. Kaoru lay on top of Die and wrapped his arms around him, trying to make the shivering stop.
When he leaned back, Die followed him as though pulled by strings. With sure hands, Die moved to Kaoru’s own pair of baggy jeans and unzipped them with a confident veneer that went over his excitement and uncertainty. Kaoru slid off the side of the bed and let his pants drop to the floor, then climbed back over to Die.
"Lube?" Kaoru asked quietly.
Die understood what he meant. "If you have any within a three foot radius, otherwise don’t bother."
Kaoru shook his head with a small smile. "I honestly can’t even remember where I put it."
"Your old age is getting to you, Kaoru-kun," Die joked quietly.
"Is not!" Kaoru cried indignantly.
"Is too," Die said, leaning up and kissing Kaoru to silence any further protests. "Kaoru, make love to me."
Nodding, Kaoru kissed Die intensely while his hands positioned Die’s suddenly very pliable body. He threw Die’s legs over his shoulders, and moved so he was positioned right at Die’s entrance. "Fast or slow?" Kaoru asked, hesitating.
"Hm…slow. I like it slow," Die volunteered.
Kaoru eased himself in inch by inch until buried to the hilt. From Die’s tightness he knew that he’d never been on the bottom during sex. He looked at Die’s face, and at the few tears he shed as Kaoru was entering him. Leaning down, he kissed them away, and laid his cheek against Die’s. Finally, Die opened his eyes and looked at him. "Aishiteru," Kaoru breathed out, passing a gentle kiss over his lips. "I’m ready," Die said.
Kaoru took the not-so-subtle hint and began moving, pulling out of Die just as slowly as he went in, until he was almost completely out, catching himself just in time and pushing back in at the same pace. He did this for a bit, making room for himself, stretching Die a bit, trying to make it as comfortable for him as possible. Finally, when Die looked like he was beginning to enjoy it a bit more, Kaoru began to pick up the pace.
In and out he went. He could feel Die’s blood and his own precum slickening the passageway, making it easier for him to move and for Die to enjoy himself. Kaoru hated the fact that he was causing someone he loved pain, but tried to comfort himself in the fact that Die hadn’t told him to stop or cried out in pain. Of course, that’s because for awhile he had been biting his lip.
Kaoru wanted to bring Die pleasure, to make him happy. That was the whole reason he had agreed to top Die at all. He would’ve been content to be bottom this night. Shifting slightly, searching for the best angle to make Die scream in the good kind of way, Kaoru took a wild stab in the dark, so to say. His guess had been correct, and suddenly Die arched his back, crying out. His hands clawed at the sheets as he tried to find purchase in the sudden onslaught of pleasure that suddenly flooded through him. Kaoru smiled slightly, and continued at the same angle.
Gradually the pace became faster and faster until the ecstasy Die was experiencing overwhelmed him and he came in a sudden blinding rush. He cried out Kaoru’s name, breaking the pattern of low moans which had been set. Kaoru continued pushing himself into Die until he too came, exploding a warm flow of semen into Die’s rectum.
Pulling out before Die’s body could tighten up again, Kaoru gently returned Die to a more normal position for the redhead. He crawled up the front of Die’s body so his head pillowed on the other guitarist’s chest. Kaoru was still panting from the aftermath of pleasure, but found it was easy to bypass his normal objections against cuddling for Die. Die’s heartbeat was slowing down, and he returned Kaoru’s embrace wholeheartedly.
"Arigato," Die whispered into the understanding silence.
"I should be thanking you," Kaoru whispered in return. "I love you, Daisuke."
"I love you too, Kaoru," Die answered, smiling peacefully.
Kaoru didn’t answer. He’d already drifted off in Die’s arms. Die looked out the bedroom window nearby.
There was frost on the windowpane, and streetlights shone through, illuminating the room a tiny bit, just enough for him to make out the details of Kaoru’s face. Somehow though, the light seemed warmer than before, and he knew it was because he himself was lighter than before. Die knew that as a couple, he and Kaoru had many obstacles to bypass before attaining that fairytale love. The problems were as numerous as the frost flakes on the window, glittering in the winter light. The sun was coming up over the horizon, and would melt the frost, he was sure of it.
@---/---- Fin ----\---@