Ask Me If I Dare
Chapter/Part 3
By:Lily-- [email protected]
AN: This chapter idea has been in my head for awhile, but I am just getting around to writing it now. It will probably be much longer than the first and second parts, but maybe a little less artistic on my part. I don't know yet. We'll have to see. Remember, an author who receives lots of comments writes much faster than an author who doesn't! ^.^
Disclaimer: We all know I own nothing...except my poor, measly little dreams, which will get me nowhere in life.
Key:
@---/--- = the fic
-- -- = POV
~~~~ = time-change
@---/---- ----/---@
--Kaoru--
I left Kyo's feeling really disappointed. I don't know what it was I expected to happen, but that wasn't it. Shinya freaked me out back there; he looked like he was about to pop when he walked in and saw me there. I don't know why...Maybe because he still felt "the incident" was my fault?
Who cares. What's done is done; you can't change it now. Sometimes I secretly wished I could, just so that I wouldn't have to live with all the guilt. That's selfish though, isn't it?
Yes, I've been known to be selfish. Example: my breaking up with Kyo just because I had a crush on Toshiya, regardless of how Toshiya or Kyo felt. I know, I know. That was totally stupid of me. I would go "doh" right about now, but I'm not a cartoon character on that American show-- what is it?-- the Simpsons.
So I walked down the streets of Tokyo back to my apartment, not even bothering to hail a cab. I was too preoccupied with my internal brooding. It was getting colder out; time to start unpacking all that winter gear. I could actually see my breath misting out in front of me. That always amused me when I was a little kid. Of course, so did watching the road when riding in a car.
Left, right, left, right. One foot in front of the other. An endless parade of cracks in the sidewalk. I wondered if Kyo had actually wanted me to stay; maybe I was imposing in the first place and he was glad to be rid of me. Too many questions, and not enough answers.
I knew the turns automatically to get to the apartment I was leasing; I had walked this way, and rode past here many times previously. I was free to zone out into my own little world, leaving everything behind me but the motion of left, right, left, right.
Within twenty more minutes I was at the bottom of the stoop leading up to the door to the main hallway. All too soon, in my opinion. I had to unzone myself and dig out my keys, searching yet again amongst the look-alikes for the right one. I swear, why didn't I just mark it with nailpolish or something?
Wearily, I climbed the stairs and had to search through the look-alike keys again. I really hated the damn things. What if I was being stalked by a rabid fangirl? I wouldn't be able to get my door unlocked in time to escape, and she'd jump me and drag me back to her secret lair and break my legs so I couldn't run away like in that Stephen King movie...okay, now I'm getting carried away with myself. See what paranoia did to me?
Locking the door behind me, I plopped down on the sofa and shivered in the cold of the apartment. Why was it so cold in here? I wished futilely for something, someone to warm me up. Memories came back to me and nostalgia permeated my whole being. Why was it so cold in here?
--Toshiya--
I was sitting on my bed like I had been for the past hour. I was bored...and worried. There was too much controversy in the band right now. What if it hurt it? I think that a huge part of me would die with it. I'm not ready, I pleaded silently to whoever would listen.
People in a band should never become romantically involved. That is one thing I have learned thus far. Something always went wrong. A break-up, jealousy; those were the top two. I prayed Dir en grey wouldn't come to the same fate. I was so glad I wasn't in love with any of my bandmates. That would just be too weird and awkward.
I didn't know how Kaoru and Kyo had pulled it off. I suppose somehow they managed to separate their relationship at home from their relationship inside the band. They were pretty good at it too.
Kaoru...I wondered what to do about him. Did he still have a crush on me? How juvenile...but cute...and flattering too, I might add. Still, he and I...there was nothing there on my part really, except for the occasional erotic fantasy. (C'mon, who wouldn't want to teach their "leader-san" a nice lesson, S&M style? "Say my name, bitch!" "Toshiya!" Hehehe.)
I'll admit, it was partially my fault for encouraging his affection. After all, I was a bit of a flirt. That is usually where my subconscious mind kicks in yelling, "Ha, just a bit?!" I'm aware that sometimes I take things too far. Like the time Die and I went out drinking and I "inadvertently" stuck my hand down his pants.
Kaoru's crush was altogether different though. I had to do something about it, had to discourage it, stop it in its tracks. Even though I am quite irresistible. My natural charm...my girly features...the masculine way I can-- Okay, stopping the extolation of my virtues now.
Tucking a piece of golden hair behind my ear, I picked up the phone and dialed the number I wanted-- needed.
"Hello, Kaoru?"
"Yes, I was wondering if you're busy?"
"Great! Could I come over? I have a new Hellsing DVD..." The elder man was a sucker for the irresistible lure of anime.
"Wonderful. I'll be over in forty minutes. Yep, see you then. Bye."
I put the phone back in its cradle and clamored out of bed, looking for something a little less actractive to wear. I discovered the task to be quite difficult considering that I would look good in a cardboard box. (Hey, I already did the paper bag look!)
I'm kidding! I just went in what I wore to Kyo's. Who cares? However, I did stop and touch up my eyeliner, It was coming off from me rubbing at my eyeballs. On the way out I grabbed the Hellsing DVD I had been referring to, and I was off in my car on the way to Kaoru's to sort out this whole mess.
--Kaoru--
Toshiya was coming over.
It was strange that he had called me out of the blue, like nothing had ever happened. I wondered why, how, what were his motives?
Oh well. It was comforting at least to know that someone had stayed unaffected by this thing. After all, it was pretty common for Toshiya and I to watch anime together. We were both pretty big freaks about it. Miss an episode of our current favorite and we were all sorts of cranky.
Like being given a rock in the midst of a storm, I clung on to it, waiting for the winds to die down.
I looked in my fridge to make sure I had something to serve him when he got there. Nope. Just water. I really needed to go shopping. Hey, there's some mouldy bread! Maybe he wouldn't mind that? Shaking my head, I moved on to the cabinets. Low and behold, I actually did have some stuff in there. I found some jasmine tea and a few packages of instant ramen. Woohoo! I could procrastinate the shopping another day!
I went about boiling some water for tea. My stupid piece o' crap stove would take about the same amount of time to boil it as Toshiya would to drive here. Yet another thing to put on the to-do list: buy a new stove. Sometimes I was so cheap. Not when it came to shopping for clothes and accessories, but for household appliances, yes.
I sat at the kitchen table, sketching something on a piece of scrap paper while waiting. I had nothing better to do. Besides, you're not supposed to leave the stove unattended while you're cooking. Right? I'm pretty sure I heard that somewhere...eh.
Sometime later when the water just started boiling the bell rang for the apartment. I got up and left the kitchen, moving toward the entry hall, where I smacked the buzzer to let Toshiya up. It had to be him, after all, I wasn't expecting anyone else.
I went to the stove and took the water off, letting it sit on the counter. I heard a knock at my door seeming tentative, and walked back out to open it. There stood Toshiya, looking as lovely as always, holding a DVD up in his hand like a peace offering.
"Ohayou," I greeted, giving a little smile.
"Hey," Toshiya said in reply, coming inside and taking off his shoes.
"So which episodes are they?" I asked, in reference to the DVD.
"Numbers six through ten," Toshiya replied with a smile, "I haven't watched them yet. Just got it."
"Cool," I uttered, "Hey, do you want something to drink? All I have is some tea...and water."
"Tea will be good," Toshiya said with his usual amicable nature.
"Okay." I walked into the kitchen and took my time getting out two mugs and the tea bags. Just as an afterthought I called out from the kitchen, "Make yourself at home!" Although I was pretty sure he had already taken the liberty.
By the time I walked out to the living room carrying the two mugs, Toshiya was seated on the couch with the DVD remote close at hand. "Ready?" He asked. I nodded and handed him a mug wordlessly.
Carefully I sat down on the couch, trying not to spill anything. I was far enough away to give Toshiya breathing room, but close enough that it wouldn't seem like I was being anti-social or unappreciative of his company.His body heat radiated over to me, a line of heat down the side of my own body. It was still freezing cold in the apartment.
The menu came up on the TV screen, and I watched as Toshiya selected the Play option. The previews started up, showing upcoming anime movies. Most of the previews I had already seen elsewhere. I took a mouthful of tea and swallowed. It was warm, yum. Time seemed to fly when you're getting sucked into the vast, wonderful world of the television. Half-way through the second episode Toshiya put the DVD on pause.
Curious, I looked over to him, only to see him looking at me. "I've been wondering how to approach this..." He started out, looking strangely serious. "So finally, I just decided I was going to, regardless of I had no clue what to say."
"Uh huh..." I said stupidly, wondering where this was going, but knowing that it was giving me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Do you still like me?" Toshiya blurted out finally.
I thought for a minute, then decided to answer honestly no matter the consequence. "No."
A sigh. "Good. I was worried. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's very flattering, but..."
"You're not interested. I know, and I was being foolish when it even developed," I volunteered.
"I just don't think it's appropriate to develop relationships with bandmates. It's like...dating your boss. A professional no-no," Toshiya explained slowly, taking the time to organize his thoughts and choose his words.
I frowned at that. On any normal occasion I would agree, but after the past year, I didn't know what to say to that. "So you think what Kyo and I did was wrong in the first place?"
"I didn't say that. I said that for me, personally, I could not date a bandmate." Toshiya frowned, studying me.
We were treading on boggy ground here. Step lightly.
"Oh...well...good." Okay, that was a very lame response.
In the silence left over Toshiya turned the DVD back on, continuing where we left off. There was an uncomfortable air underneath the noise of the TV. Finally, Toshiya said, "Do you miss him?"
I glanced over at him quickly.I knew to whom he referred to. How could I not? "Yes," I said slowly, quietly.
"What made you change your mind?" He asked, staring at me.
"Realizing that I really could have lost him. For good. If--" This was the part that always was hard verbalizing, "If Shinya hadn't had the...concern...to go check on him...Kyo would be dead now." Oh fuck. Not now. I could feel my eyes clouding up with the sadness and knowledge that was ever-present in my mind.
Toshiya plucked the mug out of my hands and set it on the coffee table when tears started rolling down my cheeks. With certainty, Toshiya guided my head so that it was resting on his shoulder, and wrapped his arms around me. It felt so nice...to be held like that.
The tears came faster, soaking into Toshiya's shirt, being absorbed by the dark grey cloth. "Shh, Kaoru, shh. It's okay. Everything will be fine..." The murmurings continued on, becoming one comforting, lulling, continous blur in my mind. He felt warm. Warm and real and comforting and alive.
I rolled my eyes back to look up at him without moving away once the tears stopped. "There now, Kao-kun. Feel better now?" Toshiya asked, looking down at me. I gave a small nod, and he leant down and kissed my forehead. Mm...so warm.
I tilted my head back just a little and pressed my lips on his, light and chaste. So incredibly alive. Toshiya made a little sound of surprise, eyes widening. I pressed harder against him, and he kissed me back, moving his lips against mine. I broke the kiss first, gazing up at him.
Toshiya stared back at me, heavy lidded, breath coming in quicker than normal. "I--" I began, certain I was going to say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry.' Before I got the chance to even finish his lips were back on mine, kissing me with a fierceness that made my breath come fast, and if I hadn't been sitting already, I would've fallen down.
I don't know how I'd not ever noticed how warm he was before. So beautifully, achingly warm, there was only one thing you could do with it.
Gasps and moans filled the apartment. My shirt flew off and knocked something over. I think it was my little potted violet I kept near the door. Hands roamed over my back and stomach, chest and arms, making me wish I could do the same for Toshiya.
I slid my hands up the smooth, soft skin of his arms, past the elbows and upper arms, then down, over the chest and stomach, to the shirt's hem. I pushed the shirt up, trailing my hands over more smooth skin and defined muscle, while my wrists pushed the shirt up further.
Toshiya broke far enough away so I could toss the shirt down on the floor. Roughly, he pulled me to him, pressing me against that warm body until there was barely any space separating us, except for the lower half, that is. Toshiya explored, caressed, dominated. He could've clawed out my heart right now, and I'd have gone with a smile just to be pressed up against the hot form of himself.
Hot breath caressed the skin at my neck, licking, and sucking, and biting. Futher down it travelled. Hands at my pants undoing the button and zipper. Oh god, I wanted this. I needed this. Gently, Toshiya pushed me down on my back, and sat on his heels between my legs. I felt exposed.
Somewhere along the line, Toshiya had managed to lose the rest of his clothing too. I wasn't sure when. Maybe sometime between the rough kisses, and hot-breath-torture?
"Do you want this?" He asked, looking me straight in the eye.
"God, yes," I breathed out.
With a soft smile and lusty look in his eyes, Toshiya took me in his skilled hands and began moving up and down. It seemed to be the most delicious, exquisite torture ever. Moans were pulled from my mouth in one continuous stream after the other.
A finger slipped itself inside of me, and I gave a gasp and stilled. I looked up into Toshiya's eyes and found there the utmost reassurance. I let myself relax then and give myself over completely to the feelings swirling inside me, and didn't think about anything that was to come in the next few hours, but this.
~~~~ 1 Hour Later ~~~~
I lay on my couch in a deeply comatose state. Toshiya was collapsed on top of me, having now slid out of me in his own limp state. I don't know why, but something in me was satisfied. Like, my curiosity had finally been put to rest. Now, did I finally realize what my little "crush" for Toshiya had been.
Curiosity.
Toshiya blinked up at me, head rested on my chest. "Kaoru?"
"Hm?" Things were quiet in the apartment, filled only with the ticking of the clock, and the soft sound of the ending credits of the DVD. I had forgotten about that.
"Are you going to regret this?" He asked, looking sorrowful.
"No; are you?"
"Not a chance," Toshiya grinned suddenly then, "My curiosity is finally satisfied."
"Mine too," I volunteered quietly.
"This was just curiosity for you too?"
I nodded. "Mm-hm."
"Wow...cool," He drew little circles on my chest with his hand. "But what you feel for Kyo isn't?"
"No..."I said reluctantly. I really didn't want to talk about.
"You love him." Toshiya filled in with a satisfied nod. I nodded even more reluctantly, just as confirmation. It was no use lying now. "So...why are you guys not together?"
"In case you had forgotten, I broke up with him in a moment of extreme stupidity," I informed him with a frown,
"So...? You should go and apologize then, and ask him for a fresh start." Toshiya smiled at me sweetly. I found myself thinking how naive he was being.
"Toshiya that's not the way things work."
"It isn't? Why not?" He furrowed his brows, looking cute and childish.
"Shinya likes him..." I said finally, trailing off.
"Oh..."
"I broke up with Kyo, and now Shinya will make his move....I hope he takes good care of Kyo. Do you think he will?" I asked, worried suddenly. Maybe I should tell him that Kyo really likes to have pancakes every third saturday of the month late at night and to make sure he has blackberry syrup?
"I think he will..." Toshiya trailed off.
Little did I know a plot was forming in Toshiya's head...Pray that nothing disastrous occurs.
@---/---- ----/---@
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To be continued
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