Ask Me If I Care (Revised Version)
Written By: Lily
Author's Note: Alright, I know that I posted this before on Schwein no Isu, but this is the REVISED VERSION. Hence the subtitle in parentheses. I know I said I was going to write another chapter to this, and I did, but it turned out to be pretty short, so what I did was combined them together. This is the complete fic. Please enjoy.
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with DeG in the least; I am just a morbid fan. Thanks!
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'I think this is the saddest day of my life...'
'I'm not sure though. Maybe I've had worse.'
'No, this is definitely the worst ever.'
Niimura Tooru, otherwise known as Kyo, flopped bonelessly onto the couch, which presented itself upon arrival. For such a large object, surely it provided a large amount of comfort. 'Wrong, Kyo.' The stuffed pads of the couch sunk as his weight pressed then down, deep into the springs below, just like his heart was sunken deep within his chest, a dead weight that provided nothing, except to serve as a reminder.
Practice had ended as any other had around eleven. It had been a good practice, one of their better ones in a long while. Everyone was in sync with each other, and played with so much soul Kyo had thought he would choke on it. They had all agreed to go out for drinks after practice, even Shinya, who had surprisingly been feeling social.
Then Kaoru, their media-deemed leader-san, had pulled him aside just before it was time to leave.
*Flashback*
"Kyo, I need to talk to you," Kaoru had said with sincere eyes and a steady voice.
"Um, okay," He had answered back. Kyo walked down the hall with Kaoru at his back until they reached the bathroom. It was not unusual for Kaoru to pull him aside during, after, or even before practice, so he thought nothing of it, but the norm.
Strolling into the men's restroom, he turned with a cheeky smile on his face and said, "What's the matter, koi, can't wait until we get home?"
Kaoru just looked at him and shook his head, "Kyo, this is serious."
"Oh...okay then..." He sat down on the plush couch in the waiting area and took out a cigarette. Flipping out his lighter, the one Kaoru had given him for Christmas; he lit it up and took a long drag, watching as the tip flared up brighter.
"You know how much I care about you, right Kyo?" Kaoru sat next to him and picked up his hand.
"Yes, I should think so," Kyo replied indignantly.
"I mean, I love you, I do."
Kyo was starting to get a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach, something akin to fear.
"But," Kaoru continued, "I need to do what makes me happy. So Kyo, I think I need to stop seeing you..."
The cigarette in Kyo's hand dropped to the ground, to lie smoldering on the carpet in the waiting room. Quickly noticing it, Kaoru reached over with his long leg and stamped it out. Didn't want to start a fire in here. That would be bad.
"Kyo?" Kaoru said questioningly.
"W- when?" Kaoru looked blankly at him. "When did everything fall apart and how did I not notice it?!" Kyo shot up from the couch, ripping his hand away from Kaoru. Tears sparkled in his wide eyes that always seemed to say so much. It wasn't his fault if you couldn't understand; it was yours because obviously you didn't speak the same language he did.
Kaoru looked down for a moment, and then looked back up at Kyo. "This has been happening for awhile Kyo. The change...has been taking root in me for several weeks now. How didn't you notice? I don't know...Maybe because I never showed you?"
"When did you stop loving me? When was the exact moment?" Frantically, Kyo grabbed Kaoru by the shirt and shook him. "I have to know, dammit!"
"When I looked at Toshiya today, and felt something in me jump for joy, and then I looked at you, and felt nothing." Kaoru tried to be gentle about it. Tears were forming in his own eyes at seeing one he had loved so distraught.
Large teardrops were coming out of Kyo's eyes, but he didn't notice, didn't care enough to wipe away the only telltale sign of his weakness. He couldn't believe it. His koi, the one he thought he'd be with forever, was telling him that he had fallen in love with their bassist?!?
Anger at Toshiya came suddenly, buried the sadness and despair underneath its heat. Kyo looked down at Kaoru, the man he had so lovingly dedicated the past year of his life to, and felt nothing but rage.
"You know what, Niikura Kaoru? I don't fucking care. I could fucking care less! I've just wasted one year of my life on you! I can't fucking believe it! What was I fucking thinking?! And-" He leaned down, dangerously close to Kaoru's ear and whispered, "I don't care. I hope the two of you are so happy together you both die. I hope you choke on it."
Kyo straightened up, and stormed out of that bathroom, tears prickling his eyes again, fresh sadness warring with the anger still there. He strode down that hallway as fast as his legs could carry him and nearly whipped right past his bandmates had he not seen the ever-familiar Toshiya standing there looking questioning.
He hauled over there and punched Toshiya right in the face. "You son of a bitch!" He yelled out as Toshiya reeled back from the force of it, and would've done more had Shinya and Die not been there to pull him back.
Squirming out of their grasping hands, Kyo turned and jogged down the hallway in his thick-soled boots. Never looking back, he burst out the door to the parking lot, and felt the cold air biting into his skin. It stopped him and made him think. Instead of running away mindlessly, he remembered that he had a car and could even drive it.
Pulling out the keys jammed into his pocket, Kyo hopped in the vehicle and began driving at the fastest possible speed he could without breaking the law or running anyone over. At first he thought it was raining outside and that he should turn on the wipers to wash away the water on the windshield, but then with a startled laugh, he realized that it was just his eyes. Tears blurred his vision and made seeing difficult.
The distraught singer locked up his vehicle upon reaching the apato, and jogged up to the door, eager to be inside his own domain, locked away from the rest of the world. The first time he tried to put his key into the lock, it wouldn't work, but pausing and wiping his eyes, he did fine the second time.
Pushing through the door, Kyo collapsed on the couch, which was where he was now.
*End Flashback*
Reliving the days' events were too saddening, and the diminutive man curled himself into a ball in the corner of his couch and began to sob hysterically. His sobs went on unchecked, endlessly it seemed. With no one there to comfort him the usually loud-mouthed vocalist wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to comfort himself.
The gesture did not help. This only served to further remind him that no one cared... No one cared enough to come check on him, to ask it he was okay.
"Of course not," he said to himself, "They're probably all out having a drink together."
Images came to his mind of the four he considered close friends. Sitting in a booth, chatting, smiling, laughing. Shinya and Die were probably sitting next to each other, both wanting to get closer, but neither having the nerve nor daring to. Kaoru and Toshiya... Totchi was probably already flirting with him, draping himself all over Kaoru. Maybe holding hands? Snuggling? Hugging? Kissing, even?
Heaven forbid that Kaoru should spend a few minutes mourning over the loss of him. Heaven forbid that Toshiya should respect the Rule of Friends, underlined, bolded, and italicized in the Book of Friends. (Kyo was sure there was one somewhere, but until then, it was just an unspoken rule.)
The Rule of Friends states that thou shalt not get together with your friend's ex, no matter what.
Kyo didn't think that Totchi knew that rule. Maybe he should call and tell him? A laugh escaped him at the thought of that conversation. Albeit, a dry laugh, which sounded scratchy because of his voice, or lack thereof.
He felt as though his heart had been ripped out, stomped on, crushed, thrown in a meat grinder, burnt, and then thrown away to spread its ashes over the four corners of the globe. How could this have happened to him? It was just his luck too...
'Maybe it's a dream,' Kyo thought to himself, 'Yeah, and soon I'll wake up and everything will be normal.' With thoughts like these Kyo hauled himself in the kitchen to get something to drink. His throat hurt from all the crying.
'Who am I kidding? I know this isn't a dream! Stupid me!' If voices in your head could walk, surely this one would've smacked Kyo on the back of the head. His hand, which had been reaching for the water jug in the fridge, suddenly changed direction and landed on a bottle of wine he'd been planning to open tonight for the dinner he was planning.
Smiling grimly, he pulled it out, and popped the cork. Taking a swig, Kyo sat back down on the couch, and proceeded to drink and drink and drink until finally the pain inside started eroding from something sharp and poisonous to smooth and aching.
Hours later, (or was it minutes? Kyo didn't know anymore...) he stood up and drunkenly walked to the kitchen, where a brilliant idea concocted itself in his head. 'That's it,' he thought, reaching for a knife.
Walking to the bathroom unsteadily, he emptied out every bottle of aspirin he owned into his mouth and swallowed them down. 'Swallow it down...such a jagged little pill. Isn't that a song line?' Kyo wondered dreamily.
Leaning against the wall of his bathroom, he slid down slowly so that he was sitting on the floor with the knife cradled in his hands. Soon he felt ready, and took up the knife with his right hand, pressing steadily into the skin of his left arm. Cutting the right way, he watched the blood bloom on his pale skin like roses do. With a sense of resignation, he watched the blood drip to the floor and as he moved to cut his right arm, he began to think.
'This will bring Kaoru back to me. He'll feel so bad for making me do this, and he'll realize that he's still desperately in love with me. He'll come back to me and make me smile again. I'll be able to watch him while he watches his weird Gundam DVDs and gets that strange smile on his face. And we'll make love on my bed, covered in rose petals like we did that one time... Everything will be perfect again.'
The knife clattered to the floor and Kyo leaned his head back against the wall, watching as his white ceiling wobbled and twisted back and forth. He didn't feel a thing at that moment, and soon, there it was shining and translucent. 'Almost there,' he thought to himself. He kept expecting someone to bust into his apartment and scream his name frantically with worry. Maybe even Kaoru himself? That would be grand...
Hazy thoughts drifted in and out until Kyo closed his eyes and a world of darkness descended on him. Tired, he was tired and wanted to rest. Kaoru would yell at him if he was late for practice again though...
Kyo didn't open his eyes anymore, and soon enough his chest stopped rising and falling. A minute later, Shinya burst into the apato calling his name frantically like he had envisioned just before the sun fell from the sky in his eyes, and found Kyo in the bathroom. Clutching him to his chest, Shinya shook and cried, swearing to himself, while he fumbled with his phone, already knowing that it was too late. Far too late. For anything.
*Epilogue*
Kyo took a deep breath and opened his eyes, gasping at his surroundings.
It looked like a scene straight out of a movie. Behind him he saw the golden gates, and before him he saw a wide expanse of green, beautiful land. So much beauty...It made his heart swell. Oh, if only he had a pen. He could be writing some amazing lyrics right now.
He noticed the girl at his side next. Dressed plum colored cargo pants, a black tank top, and combat boots; she made an odd picture in the beautiful scene before him. Not that she was ugly, but she contrasted with that land around her so sharply. It was bright and shining; she was dark and sensual.
Honey colored eyes looked down at him, and a smile graced her features. It held all the light that this place did, and he saw how she fit perfectly with the surroundings then. "Niimura Tooru?" Her voice was calm and beautiful and filled the silence around them.
Getting up from the floor, he shook his head in an affirmative. "Who are you?"
"Cassiel. My name is Cassiel."
"Well...where the hell am I?"
"Welcome to Heaven...Hm...I'm not quite sure what to call you. What would you prefer?"
"Kyo. Kyo's fine, after all, that's what everybody else calls me." Kyo looked around absorbing the world around him, breathing in its beauty and tranquility. Suddenly what Cassiel had said registered.
"Heaven? What do you mean I'm in Heaven?!" Kyo practically jumped up and yelped.
"I mean that you are in Heaven. Your mortal body is dead or is dying." Cassiel looked sympathetic. A chunk of auburn hair fell in her eyes and she brushed it back impatiently, not wanting to lose eye contact with her new charge.
"Oh God," Kyo moaned, "Oh God, what have I done?"
"Kyo?" Cassiel questioned, looking uncertain.
Kyo fell to his knees and started bawling there, in front of this perfect stranger that he was somehow at ease with. Cassiel knelt beside him and carefully wrapped her arms around him, knowing the pain that he must be feeling.
"What can I do to help, Kyo?" Cassiel asked in that soothing voice of hers.
"Make it all better again," Kyo said between sobs. "Make it okay. Make me alive again."
Cassiel looked down at him, sympathy so overwhelming to her that it took every ounce of her control not to break into tears too. "I'm so sorry," she began in a choked voice, "But not even I have the power to do that."
Kyo sniffled into silence, and pillowed his head against the girl. Or was she an angel? Kyo didn't know, nor did he care. He startled when he felt something tugging at him, pulling him backwards. "What--" He began, but was cut off by Cassiel, shoving him away.
"Go!" She yelled, "While you still can!" She raised an arm and pointed behind them, to those shining golden gates, which were now open. No one was going through them, and Kyo realized it was waiting for him. "They're calling you back! Go!" Cassiel cried again, flicking her hand to indicate the portal just beyond those gates.
To go or not...To stay and experience this beauty, this wondrous feeling would be amazing. But to live again! To tell Kaoru that he loved him and wished him happiness no matter the cost. To be able to joke with Die and Shinya again. To tell Toshiya he was sorry for smacking the crap out of him.
"GO!!" Cassiel was yelling at him, begging him to leave.
He didn't know...couldn't decide...This was happening too fast for him. He couldn't think. Gah!
Cassiel stared at Kyo with wide, golden eyes, telling him that this was his last chance. The only chance that he would ever get again. Suddenly, Kyo wanted that more than anything. Then he looked at Cassiel and his will to leave weakened slightly. To have paradise ripped away from him so soon after he had found it...Such a tragedy.
"Will I ever see you again?" Kyo asked, wanting, but not knowing why, to be around her peaceful understanding.
She smiled then, and looked at him like he was a bit slow in the head. Maybe he was. What did Kyo know about this place? Nada. "Of course you will. Someday, somehow, you'll see me again. Maybe when you die, maybe sooner. Doesn't matter. Go now, my charge. Seek forth the world and its beauty and revel in it while you still can."
Kyo looked down at the ground quickly, then back up, feeling a swelling of emotion in his heart. That seemed to be happening to him a lot lately. "Thank you," he said in such a heartfelt voice that Cassiel smiled at him, tears in her eyes, and waved happily.
Kyo turned then before he lost his nerve and jogged quickly to the large gates ahead of him. Change rattled in his pockets, and the cigarette lighter clinked against it audibly. His heavy boots made jogging slow in progress, but nonetheless he made it. Going past those gates, he found some sort of a check-in desk. He wondered vaguely if he had already been through there.
"Leaving so soon, Mr. Niimura?" A man asked with a bald head and a feather pen in his hands.
"Um...yeah." He guessed he had since they knew his name.
"Good-bye then." The clerk said and waved him off while making some sort of a slash over the page, presumably on his name.
Kyo continued jogging until he reached the portal. It was large...larger than two of him stacked on top of each other, and maybe four hims-lying-down-on-the-ground wide. Different blues swirled together, from silvery blue, to rich, cerulean blue, to make the actual portal itself, and cautiously, he put a hand towards it.
It went straight through! Surprisingly, he could feel air on the other side of it. 'What the...?' He thought to himself. Shrugging, Kyo pushed his body through the blue liquidy-looking stuff, and came out in a long corridor. It was dark here, like a tunnel on the highway, but at the end there was a light.
'How very cliche...' Kyo thought dryly, a smile breaking out on his features. One cautious step forward...two, then his feet were picking up pace until he was running full out towards what he supposed was reality.
Hope danced along his spine, like fear sometimes would on another person, and he started singing to himself, something totally random that he had just made up.
"Paler than the moon
on a dark, winter night,
but not as pale as snow.
I'll take that glinting relief
offered to me by the divine.
Cut so deep.
All I feel is bliss.
Trust in me, children of today.
The answer lies in what you seek."
He knew that it was unfinished, still needed lots of work. He had maybe one or two verses from that. Maybe Kaoru could help him come up with some music, or Die even. Die wrote some great music himself. Or maybe he could ask Shinya to help. Shinya always had new ideas for them to try.
Kyo whooped, seeing that he was near the end. Just a few more steps...Ha! He made it!
Suddenly he was sucked down into something heavy and large. Down he went. Gasping, he opened his eyes. It seemed he was doing that a lot lately too.
The tiled ceiling met his gaze, as well as the heads of several paper-clad doctors. "What?" He began, but was cut off.
"He's back!" One man in a mask yelled.
"Now, son," one elderly doctor leaned down to speak to him, "Just relax. You're in the hospital. Your friend brought you here when he found you. Don't worry, we're going to take good care of you."
Kyo nodded slowly, and felt his eyelids being pulled down. Being in this body was such hard work...Just to opperate, to do simple things. He needed to sleep. Closing his eyes, the lyricist drifted off into a deep, comatose sleep.
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I had to make it a happy ending! I had to! I couldn't bear to see Kyo dead! Not while he had so much more music to make in his life! (I am such a drama queen... ~_~;;) Yes, there will be a sequel! Think I'd leave it off with Kyo sleeping his life away?! Nuh-uh! Anyway, review please! ( Frost [email protected])
Also, some of you may be asking, who the hell is Cassiel?! Well, Cassiel is one of God's little special angel thingies. She's the angel of solitude, my absolute fave, and in my mind she was really the only one I could think of who was adequate enough to be Kyo's 'guardian angel' type thing. ^^ Does anybody have any suggestions for other guardian angels for the band members? I was thinking of doing a side-fic type thing, focusing on them.