Chapter 1: Use Me
I woke up alone.
Usually, waking alone doesn't bother me. I'll stretch out over the entire length of my twin-sized bed and let myself wake up slowly, absorbing the warmth of the blankets twisted around my nude form.
However, this morning, or afternoon as I don't have the energy to check my clock, the loneliness hits me like a train. Not that I've ever been hit by a train, but I honestly think the amount of pain would be the same.
I didn't fall asleep alone.
Why do I let myself be used like this? I don't think he even realizes how deeply in love with him I am. Or how, every time I wake alone after one of our nights together, my breath catches in my throat and every heartbeat makes my brain throb.
I suppose it is my own fault. I know Toshiya is untouchable where it matters. His heart will always be exotic to me.
Toshiya fell in love with Kaoru a year ago. The two of them began dating, but Kaoru was unable to return Toshiya's feelings. Still, not wanting to hurt the bassist, they continued their relationship, Toshiya hoping that Kaoru may return his love one day.
No one knows of the nights between the bassist and myself. The nights when he feels lonely, unloved, hurt by the knowledge Kaoru won't love him. Those times when I comfort him with kisses and carresses, unable to say anything but his name in fear I will blurt out my feelings.
However, in the morning he is always gone. Back to Kaoru, who loves him but not in the necessary way. The way I do.
I don't know how long I lay there before I push myself to my feet and numbly walk to the bathroom. The water that cascades down my body cleans away the evidence from last night, scalding my skin in its wake. Yet, it doesn't warm me where I need it most.
I dry and dress slowly. Today is a rare day off from working on our new album. There isn't anything to do but sit around. Maybe I should play a video game. At least it would distract me from my thoughts of the blue-haired man.
A quick glance at the clock tells me that it's almost two in the afternoon. I also spot a note sitting on the table with Toshiya's familiar scrawl on it.
/Sorry, I had to run. Kaoru called me. I made breakfast. It's in the 'fridge./
I stare at the note for a long moment, my eyes tracing out the smiley face holding up two fingers as a victory sign. Suddenly, it blurs. I have no ther warning before the sobs hit me, rocking my body, making me fall to the ground. I clutch my sides, feeling my heart break morning after morning all at once. I don't feel the tears that stream down my cheeks, or my nails cutting into my sides hard enough to draw blood.
I let him use me, take whatever I can when he offers. No matter how badly my heart breaks afterward.
To be continued
To the next part