When someone asks if a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow her/ him to talk to strangers."
When someone asks how your are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain."
"You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody would sell me any!"
To someone trying to sell carpet cleaning services: "Do you get goat's blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?"
Sing show tunes.
Pretend you don't speak English or Spanish.
Say "Hold on," then scream to a nonexistent person: "If you try to take the knife out, it'll just hurt and bleed more!"
Burst into tears anytime money is mentioned.
Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess all the colors you're wearing.
Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle and say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems. Then start naming them all off.
Once they've told you their name, cry out with "Bob!" (Assuming their name is Bob) "Is this really you? I can't believe it! Bob, how have you been?" This will give Bob (or whoever) a few brief moments of terror wondering where he could know you from.
Say "No" over and over in varied sounds and even tempo, until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply in as scary a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
