LISTENING

CONVERSATION

When two people are talking to each other there is conversation. However, when one person is giving orders and the other person is obeying or disobeying them, there is no communication. People believe talking is communication, but without listening it is an one way affair.

Listening is not as much fun as talking. The benefits of listening, out weigh the benefits of talking. During conflict, listening allows the person talking to express their views and feelings and gets problems off their chest, it gives the talker a feeling of importance and puts you, the listener, in a new light in the view of the talker because it shows you feel they are important enough to listen to.

The active listener gains information as to the basis of the talker's wants and needs, enabling you to work out a solution to the problem.

RESPECTIVE LISTENING

Listening enables you to find out what people's needs are, it gives fuel for conversation and allows for better negotiations. Without listening none of these can be attained.

EMPATHY

Empathy is the ability of someone to put themselves into the situation and feelings of someone else. Empathy involves being able to experience the feelings of another person, not merely to describe or understand them.

The relationship between the police and juvenile delinquents and adult offenders is more based on dislike than empathy, yet there is partial empathy insofar as each side has a stereotyped (categorised) role to play.

BODY TALK

This section explains how to observe the Clients non-verbal signals and how your own signals may affect your negotiations. We will cover the interpersonal relations phase and progress through negotiation to the passive restraint phase.

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS

Social scientists have verified that 70% of the message transmitted during face-to-face communication is non-verbal.

Interpersonal Relations greatly depends firstly, on your own body signals you are sending out to your audience and second, what he/she is sending out to you. Using the following points will greatly enhance communication and your acceptability.

To better understand body language, try and keep an open mind to the following principles;

Put these points together with the actual words used to get a better conclusion to the message presented.

Eye Contact

Lack of eye-to-eye contact, the most common anxiety signal, is a learned avoidance response. We learn to avoid eye contact without being aware of it. In the past we have made eye-to-eye contact in conflict, making us nervous and without realising it, to reduce this anxiety, we shift our focus away temporarily. After a while this becomes habit.

On first making acquaintance with the Clients look them directly in the eyes and smile while maintaining eye contact. This helps to enable communication a two way affair it needs to be.

In the case of more than one Client look at each one for a second or two at random, regarding each one as individuals. Without maintaining eye contact it will impress upon the listener(s) that you do not think enough of them.

Things to look for;

Give a doorman a $100.00 note for just holding open a door, and his eyes will probably pop out. In fact, they will open in two distinct ways. The eyelids will widen and the pupils, which control the amount of light entering the eye will dilate. They will do so even if the man shows no emotion. By observing the way the pupil behaves, psychologists learn much more about our true reactions to events, no matter how much we try to disguise them.

Like the card sharp or the wise merchant, who both study the eyes, to their advantage, for any signals of approval or disapproval. You too can use this to your advantage.

Deportment

This will display your bodily attitude, the way you hold yourself, your correct posture. It assists in getting through to the Client(s) and winning a favourable response. It has to convey a sense of authority and ease, but an equal mixture of both to relax the Client but maintain his attention. Ensure you are standing in a confident manner with good posture.

This is a two way street, you can read the Client and his/her body talk as they will read yours.

A further part of Body Talk is gesture, the movement of your hands, arm or other body parts as a means of expressing comment or feeling. For instance, a wild waving of arms suggests an over-emotional approach and is in any case too forceful to be helpful.

Movement is an obvious way of catching the eye. It is used in communicating to allow the listener to see you in a broader perspective than is possible when you remain motionless.

Gesture's main purpose is to illustrate or emphasise, it must be fitting in order to be effective. It should seem natural, or a feeling of imitation may extend to the valid points you are making to the Client.

The other body parts available for gesture are the fingers, hands, arms, head, eyes, mouth and trunk, while some may be used in combination. Each has an application to a particular situation. For example;

Holding your hands out, palms up, shows openness from clenching your fist which would display aggression or forcefulness. Dog patting with the hand displays a call for caution whereas cat stroking motions show that difficulties can be smoothed away.

The point is you can choose hand movements to match your ideas, or ideas to match your hand movements.

Arm gestures tend to be over the top, are too flashy and should be employed with caution. You can toss an arm, and an idea with it, over your shoulder. Throwing your arms forward propels an idea to listeners (gives a new definition to a captured audience) whereby bringing them back takes it away from them. Note: a sweep of an arm to brush off an argument provides no guarantee that it will stay brushed off.

Your head can be nodded affirmatively, shake it negatively or tilt it down in thought. Head gestures will convey the idea, to the listener that you are using and exercising your brains.

Shoulders when squaring them, assists posture and creates the impression that you are ready to face anything, even if you're not. Shrugging shoulders is commonly used for displaying an I-couldn't-care-less attitude or it may innocently mean I really don't know the answer. Again, use it cautiously. Anyway I'm sure you get the picture so use gestures wisely for a profitable effect.

Aggressive Body Talk And Philosophy

When observing a street fighter he will use any combinations of verbal and non-verbal moves to bridge the gap, putting him in a more favourable position. You must watch his every move cautiously from the negotiation phase right through to the passive restraint phase.

As mentioned earlier, movement is an obvious way of catching the eye. Seasoned street-fighters use this ploy to divert your attention away from the real threat such as a low inbound kick to the groin area.

Non-aggressive gestures used by the street-fighter, such as holding the right hand out 45 degrees, palm up, with the left forearm across the abdomen (similar to crossing your arms) and the trunk at a slight angle to his target allows all round protection and a striking edge, without the visible signs of an impending attack.

You should not give away any form of verbal or non-verbal gestures that you are aware of his/her intentions as this now places you with an added advantage of knowing that persons intentions. You can adopt the same method used by the street-fighter when being confronted by aggressive behaviour allowing the correct non-aggressive posture to continue negotiations as well as maintaining all round protection.

He/She will use non-aggressive gestures to his advantage such as chin stroking, which usually indicates thought. When the chin stroking stops and the hand moves out from the face, the individual will make his move. Notice his hands are already at the advantage of being in a fighting position.

The street-fighter will talk and move calmly and precisely. Where he pauses between sentences he knows your brain (consciously or sub-consciously) is focusing on something to happen next, either speech or action. This is where he will attempt to strike, whilst in mid speech, catching his target unaware.

Never under-estimate anyone, male or female, young or old, big or small. All are capable of gaining that advantageous edge.

Exercise these methods of evaluating and reading the Client's non-verbal signals as to get along, make friends and influence them to a more productive environment.

Summary

You have learned how to manage your own non-verbal messages and read others. You will have realised that our body talk gives away our sub-conscious thoughts. Use them to your advantage.

Do's - Be aware of your bodily attitude and others, be friendly at all times and smile, it does not cost you anything.

Don't's - Display nervousness, aggression or rudeness.

Do's - Head up, voice up, palms up and good posture. Smile sincerely while maintaining eye-contact.

Don't's - Head down, voice down, palms down, clenched fists, avoiding eye-contact and bad posture.

Do's - Stay alert, read other peoples non-verbal and verbal signals.

Don't's - Don't become complacent, let your attention lapse and/or not pick up on signals.

Do's - Watch for the ploys of experienced street-fighters and learn from their body talk signals.

Don't's - Never under-estimate anyone.

Do's - Be courteous, friendly and sincere even during conflicts.

Don't's - Stand in an un-balanced or cocky posture.

Do's - Watch the pupils, the window to our true feelings

WIN-WIN OUTCOME TO CONFLICT

WIN-WIN

It is widely believed that in the East people are more concerned with saving face than are Westerners. It is assumed that rank, position and above all respect must be preserved. We rely more on open aggression, pushiness and force of character to establish natural hierarchies. Where a hierarchy is made on more subtle intellectual grounds the aggression may be lacking. That is why the official hierarchy is so important and why the preservation of respect is so essential. Once respect is lost the hierarchy collapses and is unlikely to be re-established by natural aggression.

In Western negotiations we are inclined to think in terms of win-lose situations: one side wins and the other loses. We are also inclined to think in terms of conflict, argument, jargon and debate. There are times when the substance of winning may be separable from the image of winning. In such cases the winner may agree to sacrifice the image of winning in order to save the face of the loser, who does not appear to have lost although in fact has.

In many situations appearance is so closely tied up with reality that to save face is much more than a cosmetic operation to preserve pride. Confidence depends on image and on confidence depends our belief in a person's ability and promises.

This win-win approach requires skills that are not natural reactions to us. Usually we fail to apply the win-win approach to conflict and revert to a knee-jerk reaction (win-lose).

The win-lose occurs from our subconscious compulsion to protect yourself from the pain of being wrong. Win-lose is a power struggle although sometimes it is necessary for a experienced person in authority to lay down the law but this is not the long-term answer as the Client did not partake in the decision. He may retaliate sooner or later.

WIN-WIN SOLUTION

How do we achieve this end? What do you do? When problems confront us we seek answers far too quickly. This method of dealing with conflict requires you to find out more about the predicament first and then investigate the options before coming to the final solution.

First, find out what their needs are. Ask them what they want. What the problem is. Their needs are important, this is the core of the problem, so look into it.

Second, where do the differences clash. In this case it relates to their wants and the rules of your department and duties. You both need something but for different reasons.

Third, What options are available. Some options are easy to find and others are harder. Look for the win-win solution. Create new options.

Fourth, co-operation is effective. It is possible to view all the above methods and come up with new options, but it is much more effective to co-operate. If you co-operate with the Client it displays you are treating this individual as an equal, not an opponent. Although you feel as though you lost you actually maintain and amplify the peace. However, to other Clients observing the outcome, may mistake this negotiation as weakness and attempt to monopolise on it. Take all this into account when in this situation.

For example, you may encounter a problem with a Client who wishes to smoke but they may be in conveyance or it is not an allocated time for them to smoke, for whatever reason.

You: Can ask what the problem is and their needs. You can explain your position and needs using a calm, genuine friendly voice.

Client: States he/she is hanging out for a cigarette.

You: Tell them (after searching for options) that it is nearly lunch time and they may have one after lunch.

Client: They insist and begin throwing a tantrum.

You: Request them to consider that to smoke now will mean they will not receive a cigarette after lunch, and mention that you usually prefer a cigarette after eating and ask if they feel the same.

This way you both take part in the final decision which is a fair win-win outcome to the problem.

Another instance of a conflict which occurred when escorting a Client held on control order from the Courts to the transport holding rooms and the Client put up a struggle in front of his family members, as was a recent case, you would find yourself in a complicated situation.

Of course if the Client puts up a struggle and you use the necessary force to move him in the desired direction it would upset and may get the family involved in the struggle also.

The alternative would be to look at each sides needs and values. Quickly evaluate the situation and come up with your options.

For example, you may approach the family and speak to them revealing your intentions and explain your position and responsibilities. Let them know your intentions, that you are required to escort their son to the waiting rooms and you wish to do so peacefully and if they can help talk to their son to reason with your wishes it will not escalate the current situation to possibly further charges. Do not tell them what they must do, simply suggest it, as this allows all the parties to take part in the final decision. Let them talk to their son for a while, this meets their current needs and avoids involving unnecessary use of force.

Points to Remember

The point of win-win solutions is that although we do not achieve each others complete goals we both looked together for the solution.

POSITIVE ASSERTIVENESS

Being assertive requires persistence, listening and communication skills,

CONFLICTS

Coping with stomach-knotting conflicts, not only with the Clients you deal with, your family, friends, work colleagues is a common event. No matter what you or I do, other people can cause problem after problem. Life presents us all with problems day after day.

Imagine coming to work after having your car serviced by a mechanic, whom, you are sure has over priced his services, your neighbour has once again let his dog keep you awake all night and after asking him to see if he can correct the problem he gets defensive and a dispute arises. Then when at work you are faced with a very uncontrollable Client, who is angry at you and anyone else who comes in contact with him.

Feel stressed? Feel angry? This is a natural behaviour in all of us. These feelings are not the result of the problems of everyday life but basically the result of feeling inadequate to cope with our problems and the people who present them.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

OK. To define this we will look at what we usually do when confronted with conflict. Animals of the same species in conflict usually fight or run away. Both methods are ways of coping with their conflicts for survival. We do the same, it is in our bodily make up from way back to when we were dragging our knuckles on the ground. Now we have progressed from pre-human to human, no more sharp teeth or claws.

We have been distinguished from the pre-human and animals with this great new verbal and problem solving brain. This new function enables us to communicate and work together to help solve our problems and indifferences without having to revert back to the fight or flight method.

So, this shows we all have the ability to solve our differences, rather than reverting back to the old ways. We also still have the fight or flight within us. When you try to cope with conflict in an aggressive manner you usually find that there is little external pay-off and neither parties win in the long run. The same occurs if you adopt the flight behaviour, although moved away from the problem, it still remains awkwardly present.

PASSIVE AGGRESSION

Living now in a civilised world we usually do not use fight or flight as openly as we would have centuries ago. In Western society we have been brought up not to fight, to be brave and not run away from conflicts. "Don't fight back, stand there and take it" - these are both passive modes. Therefore when someone makes us mad we rarely show it openly. Instead we silently grit our teeth and think how sweet revenge will be.

For example, when Clients don't like what you're telling them, they will possibly use passive aggression. Instead of saying their feelings out loud they devise ways to make things more difficult for you but in actual fact they are making things more difficult for themselves. They experience unpleasant emotions such as frustration, anger and fear which lead to sadness and depression. All of us have felt these emotions of anger, fear, and depression associated with aggression, flight and frustration.

Being assertive requires persistence, listening, self-disclosure, being able to cope with criticism and be able to compromise. To accurately manage Clients you will need to understand the structures of these requirements.

To help you with difficult Clients you can apply certain techniques of assertiveness which you will find described in the following sections.

MANIPULATION

From child hood we are brought up to be manipulative to take care of our wants. This is done daily in our work places, at home and socially. By being manipulative you frustrate the other person and make them angry.

Firstly, you do not have to give reasons for or justify your behaviour, decisions or actions but must take responsibility for them. You are your own person. Look at the following situation and see how manipulative people can be;

You are at a car yard looking for a new family car and are discussing your needs to a salesman who has taken you over to a red sports car;

Salesman; Look, come inside, have a coffee and I'll show you how easy it is, no obligation.

Now, if you didn't give an explanation for your actions or decision the dialogue would have gone as follows;

Salesman; Why don't you like this car?

You; No reason, I just don't like the car.

Salesman; O.K. let us look at this car.

See, when you do not give an answer to the why question, it quickly stops the salesman's sales pitch. Manipulation is a tool people use to get you to change your mind, as Clients will use it to get their way. i.e

Client; Why can't I have a smoke?

You; Because it is not the allocated time for one.

Client; So, who cares, I'm old enough, what difference does it make to you if I have one or not?

You; I can't it is policy that you only have one every hour.

Client; So, no one is here except for you, so what's the problem, man?

 

 

 

 

 

Manipulation works on guilt, threats and emotions. Simply, remember, You have the right to your decisions, behaviour and actions and should not have to offer reasons or excuses to anyone for them but remember you are responsible for them.

PERSISTENCE

Using a calm, repetitive voice, keep saying clearly what you want, your main goal, until the Client consents to your request or agrees to a compromise.

You; The noise and swearing can be heard next door in the offices. I want you to be quiet.

Clients; We're bored, what else do you want us to do, lie here like we're mutes?

You; I understand how you feel, but I want you to be quiet.

Clients; It's not us, it's the guys in the next room.

You; Yes I understand what you have said, but I want you to be quiet.

This method of persistence enables you to be comfortable and not to be deterred by anything that the Client may use like manipulative, argumentive baiting or irrelevant logic, while sticking to your point.

FREE INFORMATION

When you listen to someone, you are being given free information about them. For instance, you meet a Client at Mt. Penang to convey him to Glebe and you casually start conversation.

You: `I love the country, the air is really fresh out here compared to the big smoke, isn't it'?

(Self Disclosure and Inquiry)

Client: `It's like this all the time'

You: `Are you from around here originally?

(Inquiry)

Client: `Yeah, I'm from around Gosford, near the beach'.

(Free Information)

You: `Gee, I really envy you, I would have loved to live up here'.

Client: `Why, where are you from'?

With this brief conversation you have already established effective communication and where this person is from and he/she possibly likes the beach.

Listening enables you to find out what people's needs are, it gives fuel for conversation and allows better interpersonal relations. Without listening none of these can be attained.

SELF DISCLOSURE

What I mean by self-disclosure is that to effectively disclose information about yourself to the Client - this allows a two way conversation to take place, not one way. If you were constantly just asking questions and listening it would give the Client the impression you are a sticky-beak, prying into their lives.

Self disclosure also lets the Client know your intentions up front. You can state, for instance, that your job entails you to apply a restraining device, due to the seriousness of the offence.

In this dialogue, the transport officer is delivering a child to Court;

Officer; How are you this morning?

Child; O.K. I suppose.

Officer; Yeah, I've had a hard morning too!

Officer; How's the Centre treating you?

Child; It's O.K. Gets boring sometimes.

Officer; Don't you guys make those canoes up there? They look really professional. How do they make them?

Child; Oh yeah, that parts alright I suppose. I made one canoe with our group, it wasn't hard. I think you can buy one from the centre. I also made.....

Here, the Officer probes for free information and start's using it to further the conversation. By bringing up some points about himself (self disclosure) he was able to relax the child enough to keep him talking

CRITICISM AND CONFIDENCE

Criticism is useless because it puts a Client on the defensive and usually makes the client strive to justify themself. It wounds a person's pride, hurts their sense of importance and arouses resentment.

B.F. Skinner proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticising, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.

Coping with your wants by criticism is manipulation. It is easier to state your needs out front than to criticise someone into attaining them. Criticism turns into a vicious cycle, once you are criticised you deny, defend and criticise also.

When we are being manipulated by someone who is using criticism as a tool you can simply use the technique of AGREEING with them until they finally give up or realise they're manipulation is ineffective.

AGREEING

The benefits of using this tactic enable you not to feel down as a result of criticism. However it will allow you to realise, without taking offence, (1) some home truths about your behaviour (2) how people use your faults to criticise and tack on their concepts of what is right or wrong.

You must build an immunity to criticism. Do not deny criticism, do not get defensive and bite back at criticism. If the criticism is true, AGREE with it. But if manipulative use phrases like; `You could be right' or `That's probably true' or `I agree with you', helps stop criticism dead in its tracks. e.g

Critic; That was stupid of you not to fill up before you left for Gosford.

You; That's right, it was thoughtless of me. I should ensure the tank is full on long journeys.

Agreeing is a method on how to brush aside criticism without getting angry or flustered, for example;

Critic: I see you're doing as you always do by not wearing the correct attire for this job.

You: You're probably right. I am wearing what I usually wear.

Critic: You look like a hippy from the sixties.

You: I do, don't I.

Critic: Anyone who dresses that way is a real lost case.

You: Your right, I do have a lot of faults.

Critic: Faults, more like defects!

You: You could be right. There are a lot of things I could improve.

As you can see, by using the technique of agreeing, you are forcing yourself to listen to exactly what the critic says. You are not being defensive or using counter-criticism. You are getting the critic to listen Think of using this technique whenever you are the subject to manipulative criticism. It could be fun.

MISTAKES

When making a mistake don't try and deny the fact, especially when someone has picked up on it, admit to the mistake. For example you may have acted irrationally to one of the Clients and you are criticised for it. Simply agree with their observation and repeat their criticism. `You're right, I wasn't too smart in the way I handled....' or `That was dumb of me wasn't it'

This method is passive and it doesn't allow fuel for the critic to be more assertive toward you.

By admitting your mistakes you do not respond to your critics statements with denial, defensiveness or counter-criticism/manipulation, stopping the vicious circle.

When you are confronted with an un-reasonable request look for alternative options to compromise. Just follow the steps listed in the Win-win section, finding out the needs (theirs and yours), what options are available and choosing the right solution. Remember, try to get the Client to come to the final decision.

Ownership of the decision will ensure a greater deal of compliance by the Client.

When you practice and apply all these techniques and get a feel for these concepts you will experience the use of positive assertiveness.

You: Can you please sit down as I get concerned with your safety when we are driving.

(Self Disclosure)

Child: I'm sick of being told what to do. You can't make me do anything.

(Free Information)

You: Yes, I understand your feelings, but you must be seated while we are driving.

(Agreeing and Persistence)

Child: You don't understand nothing, you're a pig.

(Free Information)

You: Your probably right, I should try and improve my understanding of how you guys feel. I would appreciate it if you please sit down?

(Agreeing, Self Disclosure and Persistence)

Child: You guys are just big fat baboons and bullies that pick on kids for kicks.

You: I can understand you feeling that way. We should all be more considerate and aware of each others feelings.

(Agreeing and Self Disclosure)

After a minute he decides not to carry on and sits down as there was no fuel to be assertive himself.

Persistence enables you to be comfortable and not to be deterred by anything that the Client may use like manipulative, argumentive baiting or irrelevant logic, while sticking to your point.

Agreeing works very well in dealing with manipulative criticism and is very effective skill for desensitising you to criticism. It is a passive skill and does not prompt the person you are coping with to be assertive themself.

By admitting your mistakes you do not respond to your critics statements with denial, defensiveness or counter-criticism/manipulation stopping the vicious circle.

Listening enables you to find out what people's needs are, it gives fuel for conversation and allows better interpersonal relations. Without listening none of these can be attained.