Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 13:14:27 -0400 (EDT)
From: xxx
To: James Holliday
Subject: Drinker's Trouble Shooting Guide
Drinker's Trouble Shooting Guide
================================
Symptom | Problem | Action to be Taken
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Drinking fails to | Mouth not open | Buy another pint
give satisfaction | while drinking or | and practice in
and taste; shirt | glass applied to | front of mirror;
front wet. | wrong part of face. | continue with as
| | many pints as
| | necessary until
| | drinking technique
| | is perfect.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Drinking fails to | Glass empty. | Find someone who
give satisfaction | | will buy you
and taste; beer | | another pint.
unusually pale and | |
clear. | |
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held | Turn glass the
| at incorrect angle. | other way so that
| | open end is
| | pointing towards
| | the ceiling.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet warm and wet. | Loss of self-control| Go and stand next
| | to the nearest dog
| | - after a while
| | complain to its
| | owner about its
| | lack of house
| | training and
| | demand a pint in
| | compensation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar blurred. | You are looking | Find someone who
| through the bottom | will buy you
| of your empty | another pint.
| glass. |
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar swaying. | Air turbulence | Insert a broom
| unusually high, | handle down back
| maybe due to darts | of jacket.
| match in progress. |
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar moving. | You are being | Find out if you
| carried out. | are being taken to
| | another pub, if
| | not complain
| | loudly that you
| | are being hijacked.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You notice that | You have fallen | If glass is full
the wall opposite | over backwards. | and no one is
is covered with | | standing on your
ceiling tiles and | | drinking arm stay
has a fluorescent | | put, if not get
light strip across | | someone to help
it. | | you up and lash
| | yourself to the
| | bar.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything has | You have fallen | See: Falling over
gone dim and you | over forwards. | backwards.
have a mouthful of | | (above)
dog-ends and teeth. | |
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You have woken up | You have spent the | Check your watch
to find your bed | night in the | to see if it is
hard, cold and | gutter. | opening time, if
wet; you can not | | not treat yourself
see your bedroom | | to an extra hour
walls or ceiling. | | of sleep.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything has | The pub is closing. | Panic.
gone dark. | |
| |
