100 excuses for skipping work

 

-My kids are locked outside.

-My kids are locked inside.

-My kids are stuck in the door.

-I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

-I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

-The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

-The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

-The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

-My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.

-My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony.  (Do not use within one month of #9).

-I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.

-I have to get my car to the shop; if I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend.  (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).

-My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

-My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

-My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

-My truss snapped.

-My support hose popped.

-I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

-I’m arranging financing for a house.

-I’m arranging financing for a car.

-I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.

-The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

-The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

-The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered.  (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody.  But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.)

-I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

-I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.

-It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.

-My back aches.

-My stomach aches.

-My hair aches.  (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

-My biological clock is ticking.

-I have to take my biological clock in for service.

-My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

-My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

-Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running.  The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

-I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

-I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

-I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.

-I have to take my mother to the doctor.

-I have to take my minister to the doctor.

-I have to take my doctor to my minister.

-I think I left the iron on.

-I think I left the water on.

-I think I left the refrigerator on.

-I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.

-I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.

-I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.

-I have to have my waistband let out.

-I have to have my watchband let out.

-I have to have my son’s rock band let out.

-I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

-I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

-I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

-I’m having a root canal.

-I’m having a tax audit.

-I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile.  (Is that beating a dead horse?)

-My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.

-I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.

-I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.

-I have to renew my driver’s license.

-I have to get new license plates.

-I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions.  THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.

-I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.

-I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.

-I’ve...I...I’m not...I don’t...I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!

-I have to get my contact lenses fitted.

-I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.

-I have to get my big toe calibrated.

-Hey, hey!  The Monkees could be coming to our town.

-My rheumatism is acting up; there’s going to be a terrible tornado.

-My arthritis is acting up; there’s going to be a terrible blizzard.

-The pharaoh is acting up; there’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.

-I need to give blood.

-I need to give evidence.

-I need to give up.

-I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.

-I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.

-I’m going to my best friend’s divorce.  (We all knew it wouldn’t last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

-I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.

-I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.

-The police are at the back door.  Cover me.

-I’m having my nails done.

-I’m having my colours done.

-I’m having my head examined.

-I’m going to the bank.

-I’m going to sleep.

-I’m going over the edge.

-A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.

-A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlour.

-A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.

-I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.

-I need to check into a rest home

-I’m breaking in my shoes.

-I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.

-I’m breaking out.

-I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

-I have to pick out a car.

-I have to pick on my kids.

-Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists.

-I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.