The Top 17 Other Effects of the Galaxy 4 Satellite Malfunction

~Matthew

 17 With nowhere else to go, radio signals converge on Don King's hair.

 16 Tamagotchis the world over die a slow, horrible death.

 15 Worldwide headaches when everyone's metal dental fillings receive the signals from Gilbert
 Gottfried's cell phone.

 14 Phoneless George Steinbrenner left unable to fire Joe Torre when the Yankees trailed in the
 third.

 13 Ross Perot and Newt Gingrich stricken with terror while temporarily out of touch with the
 mothership.

 12 Fortune Cookie Effect: words 'in bed' added to end of all text messages.

 11 Their cellular phones useless, denizens of Los Angeles experience the quaint charm of eating
 their lunch with both hands.

 10 Dennis Rodman tentatively removes tinfoil cap and crawls out from under the woodpile.

 9 Cher's face snaps and rolls up like a cheap paper window shade.

 8 After several days of no pages from the maitre de, the not-too-swift 'Wilson, party of four' still
 waits a block away from restaurant and, boy, are they hungry.

 7 Young girls everywhere panic as Tiger Beat magazine temporarily loses track of Leonardo
 DiCaprio.

 6 'This is Xyctlinor of Reanus IV. Did someone at this number page me?'

 5 Iraqi spy 'Intern-bots' in the White House go on the fritz and begin offering themselves to Sam
 Donaldson.

 4 All the crazies on New York streets stop receiving their mind control signals from the CIA, rejoin
 society and head straight for Starbucks.

 3 Five top Hollywood agents died in horrible phone cord accidents.

 2 Drug dealers resort to cruising neighborhoods in their primered Buick Regals, playing distorted
 rap versions of 'The Entertainer.'

 1 Millions of Hanson fans, momentarily freed from mind control, realize in unison that they've
 wasted their allowance.