SIGNS YOU WON'T BE QUALIFYING FOR THE U.S. OLYMPIC TEAM:

1. You keep accidentally burning your wrestling opponents with your cigarette.

2. You can't fit your thighs between the parallel bars.

3. When you hear the starter's pistol, you ball up like a frightened armadillo.

4. Whenever you enter a locker room, people automatically hand you their towels.

5. The only aspect of weight lifting you have any talent for is the grunting.

6. Duck, duck, goose is not yet an Olympic event.

7. When you get out of bed in the morning, you have trouble nailing the dismount.