Words
of Wisdom
I
just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone
has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
When
the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen
it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those
who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I
feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's
not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
You
have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used
against you.
Honk
if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon
my driving, I am reloading.
Despite
the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing
is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Diplomacy
is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
A
day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Save
the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism
is a non-prophet organization.
On
the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change
is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Religious
wars are basically when the two sides are fighting over who has the better
imaginary friend.
Constant
change is here to stay
Couldn't
afford to fix my brakes, so I made my horn louder
Danger!
Attention Span Exceeded!
Do
it right the first time, and maybe I'll let you do it again.
Don't
shake me, don't wake me, just take me!
Early
bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Heck
is reserved for those who don't believe in Gosh.
I'm
getting tired, why don't YOU try being perfect for a while?
I'm
happily married - but my wife isn't
I'm
not cheap, but I am on special this week
I'm
too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important. Please hold.
I
almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I
drive way too fast to worry about cholestorol
I
had way too much to dream last night
I
intend to live forever - so far, so good
I
love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I
saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it...
I
stepped on a Tetanus needle today.... now what?
I
thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
I
wanted to be a comedian but everyone laughed at me
I
will defend to your death your right to my opinion.
I'd
talk longer, but you're not as interesting as I am
I'm
amoral, and it's been bothering my conscience
If
at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If
it breaks, make it bigger - if it sticks out, chrome it.
If
it's not violent or naked, what good is it?
If
we can't stop censorship now, we're f*cked
If
you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
If
you call me insane again, I'll eat your other eye
If
you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.
If
you can't win by reason, go for volume
In
case of rape, this end up
Inside
every fat person is a thin person. The fat one ate him.
Kneel
as you are in the presence of Greatness.
Make
sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.
Mental
backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind
Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Most
people make sense. I'm not one of them.
My
other car has a siren
My
other car is coming up behind you
One
nation, under God, with Liberty, large fries, and a Coke to go
Oral
sex is the answer - the question doesn't matter
Public
opinion is what people think other people are thinking.
Robin
Hood was a terrorist
Seen
it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
The
only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The
world is coming to an end... {End of message: Insert $2500 to continue.}
To
some it's a six-pack. To me it's a support group.
Vampires
give *killer* hickeys
You
dyslexic batsard!
An
intelligent dyslexic is smucking fart
Art
imitates my life
BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! >click< >click< "Freeze, police!"
Cannibals
never eat clowns because they taste funny
Care
to join me in a barbaric mating ritual?
Come
back when you're finished evolving
Dr.
Freud, your mother's on the line!
Education
teaches rules; experience teaches exceptions
Expect
the quest to break your heart at least once
Florida
- the rules are different here
Get
a taste of religion... Lick a witch!
How
far can you open your mind before your brains fall out?
I
had some reason for not killing you, now what was it?
I
live on the edge. All my friends are there.
I'm
way too drunk to care what you're saying
If
beer were a woman I'd be married for sure
If
we all work together, we can beat this reality thing!
Never
be afraid to face reality or indulge in fantasy
Pardon
me, I have to go kill someone I don't know
Say,
didn't we go to different high schools?
Silly
humans. Nothing is catproof.
Supersadomasochisticexpialidocious!
Tell
God his replacement's here
That's
it, keep reading just a little longer...
The
Catholic Church - the only successful vampire cult
When
catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
Why
are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
Women
are lucky, they can get pussy whenever they want
You
can find out a lot about paranoids just by following them around
You
may not remember me, I'm dressed now
You're
reading my button, but I'm checking out your tits
90%
of the time I'm right, so why worry about the other 3%?
A
celebrity is a person who is known for well-knownness
A
day without orange juice is like a day without vodka
All
rules have exceptions - except the ones that don't
Conscience
- the inner voice warning you that somebody is looking
Did
God satisfy Mary?
Diplomacy
is the art of letting somebody have your way
Don't
you think it's about time you tried me?
Etiquette
- saying "No, thank you" when you want to yell "Gimme"
Exercise
daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.
Fairer
sex? Not in divorce court, bub
Have
you ever considered suicide? I think you'd like it
I
practice traditional birth control, I eat my young
I
tried to be apathetic but I couldn't commit
I
understand life and the universe. Cats are beyond me.
I'll
eat natural foods when they start charging natural prices
I'm
not fat, this is a well-developed table muscle
I've
got to get a simpler life, or a bigger refrigerator
If
it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go
If
you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side
Logic
- the art of being wrong with confidence
Roll
me over, lay me down and do it again
Sex
is only the business of the pile of people involved
Should
another universe emerge, this product cannot be guaranteed
Solid,
liquid and gas - The three states of a burrito
Spank
me when I'm bad, spank me when I'm good, keep me confused
They're
so CUTE when they're righteous
Two
can live as cheaply as one what?
"Vegetarian"
- Indian word for "lousy hunter"
"Shhhh!
The Christians think they're alone up here." - God
A
procrastinator's work is never done
Alzheimer's
- You get to hide your own Easter eggs
Arachnohomophobia:
Fear of gay spiders
Back
the Metric System every inch of the way!
Biography
- Yet another terror of death
But
after you've gone, I'll still have chocolate
Character
is what you are in the dark
Diplomacy
- saying nice doggy 'til you find a rock
Don't
be happy, worry
Don't
worry, it'll all be in my report
Electricians
do it 'till it Hz
Everywhere's
walking distance if you have the time
Few
men look trustworthy with their pants off
Flip
over, I want a puppy
Go
ahead and say it, I promise not to sue
Grandchildren
- God's reward for parents who survive
Helmet
Laws interfere with natural selection
Hey,
I get enough insults at job interviews
I
distinctly remember forgetting that
I
find your faith in reality amusing
I
have one nerve left, and you're getting on it...
I
try to be as perverted as the situation calls for
I'd
give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on the last one
I'm
just the machine that hormones use to carry out their evil plans
If
it tastes good, it's trying to kill you
If
this offends just one person, I've succeeded
If
you can't stay healthy, find a disease you like
Just
bring me my coffee, and s-l-o-w-l-y back away
Let's
just pretend I didn't ruin your life, and move on
Love
is blind, especially love at first sight
Memory
- the thing I forget with
My
file on you is thicker than your file on me
Never
stick it in anything you can't see clearly
New
religion? Haven't used up the old ones yet
Nothing
anybody tells you about marriage helps
Now
I'm here, and history is vindicated
Only
Christians could believe in Hell enough to go there
Political
Correctness? Blow me.
Semi-vegetarian
- I only eat animals that died in their sleep
Sleeping
is 1/60 part death
Sometimes
I wonder why it took mom so long to snap
Strike
any user to continue
The
only proven aphrodisiac is money
There
must be a God - who pops up the next Kleenex?
Time
- just one damn thing after another
Where
did Cain get his wife? Don't ask, don't tell
With
all my heart I still love the woman I killed
You
can observe a lot by just watching
You've
got to take the bitter with the sour
75%
of all statistics are made up to win an argument
A
messy kitchen is the sign of a sexy woman
All
my cruel acts are justified by the fact that I am a cruel person
Always
try to be a little kinder than is necessary
Are
those voices in your head or mine?
Be
Careful: I Have An Attitude And Know How To Use It.
Been
to Sodom, did the angels, got the button
Birth,
life, death. Repeat as necessary.
Days
like these let you savor a bad mood
Don't
compare yourself to me, It'll just depress you
Don't
give me that "kinkier-than-thou" look!
Everybody
has anatomy, but it looks better on a woman
"For
God so loved the world..." Pass it on.
Greetings
from Hell, wish you were here
Housework,
done properly, can kill you
I
am romantic, caring, gentle, loving, respectful. So, ya wanna fuck?
I
don't discrimate against sex. I'll sleep with either!
I
love Jesus, yes I do! Baked or broiled or in a stew!
I
often daydream about my inability to fantasize
I
wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.
I'll
believe in God as soon as he smacks me in the head
I'm
not insane, but I do a good imitation
I've
achieved total indecisiveness... I think
If
God doesn't have a sense of humor, none of us is getting in
IF
Love THEN Swallow ELSE Spit
If
you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun
In
dog years, I'm dead
Jack
is nimble, Jack is quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick
My
mind isn't always in the gutter - sometimes it comes out to feed
Nothing
is more productive than the last minute.
Nymphomania
- An illness you hear about but never encounter
One-legged
cats are easier to throw
Pain
is inevitable. Misery is optional.
Playfully
Evil
Religion
is superstition enslaving a philosophy
Simon
said to do WHAT?
That
which does not kill me makes us stranger
Truth
is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense
Wait;
it gets better
Weird
enough for all practical purposes
Why
worship a god who violated a virgin's civil rights?
Without
my ignorance, your knowledge would be useless
Would
you prefer to be conscious or unconscious during mating?
You
really hurt me last night - can you do it again?
A
cat is the only real love money can buy.
A
sufficiently advanced god would use evolution
Be
kind to smokers. They only have a little time left.
Eating
chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation
Engaged
in the passive overthrow of the U.S. government
Fact
is solidified opinion
Fake
it till you make it.
Fear
is only another form of awareness - Charlie Manson
Feed
the homeless to the hungry!
Feminists
give women a bad name.
Feminist
bookstores have no humor section
Few
great men could get past the Personnel Department
God
& I only notice each other on important occassions
Have
you ever killed 500 men just to make a point?
I
didn't fall in love, I was pushed
I
don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods
I
love animals. I've been arrested for it
I
think I'll go have sex with something
I
tire of you. I dance now...
I
tried paying my taxes with a smile but they wanted cash.
I'd
like to meet the man who invented sex & see what he's working on now
If
cats could talk, they'd remind us that their ancestors ate ours.
If
hackers ran the world there'd be no war. A lot of accidents, maybe...
If
I owned a candy factory, I'd make a mint!
If
you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
Love
makes you do funny things. It made me get married
Many
people own cats... and go on to lead normal lives.
Never
fall in love more than once a week
Not
now, I'm busy fulfilling my potential.
Not
now, I'm contemplating your afterlife
You
all think I'm paranoid, don't you?
A
banana, some chocolate syrup, and thou
A
cube is just an extended square
A
gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on
A
gentleman supports at least half his weight
A
job is nice but it interferes with my life
All
answers subject to change after you leave
Anti,
hell! I'm the Uncle-Christ!
Anxiety
- Nature's way of getting you up in the mornings
Any
religion that rejects coffee worships a false god
Anything
good in life is illegal, immoral or long distance
Athiests
have no one to talk to during sex
Beautiful
girls don't bother me, dammit
Bombs
don't kill people, explosions kill people
Broke
all the commandments, still bored
Bungie
jumping off the edge of sanity
Celibacy
is the worst form of self-abuse
Common
sense is what tells you the world is flat
Could
I kill a woman? I guess, but it'd take weeks
Damned
in the crib and just got bigger
Deadlines
amuse me
Do
it whenever, regularity is for bowels
Don't
be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don't
waste a lie if the truth will work
Drink
your coffee, there are poor people in India sleeping right now!
Drinking
kills brain cells, but just the weak ones
Drowning
in varnish provides the best finish
"Dysfunctional"
is putting it mildly
Earthquake
predictors are fault-finders
Every
day another day goes by
Every
person you meet knows something you don't
Falling
in love is hard on the knees
Free
Country/Drug Free Country - Choose One
Friction
is a drag
Friend
- Anyone with the same enemies you have
Garbage
in, Gospel out
Go
thou, and sin more creatively
Gotta
go, just sighted Elvis making crop circles
Hardware
- the part you kick
History
repeats itself because nobody listens
Honest
officer, that cat was on fire when I got there!
How
big an asshole can I be and still get laid?
I
always tell the truth, even if I have to lie to do it
I
didn't kiss her, I was whispering in her mouth
I
got a life but I can't make the payments
I
just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
I
read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading
I
used to be sane, but now I'm better
I'd
be a fundamentalist, if I could just stop laughing
I'd
procrastinate if I could find the time
I'd
rather be flogging the peasants
I'll
agree with you for as long as I can see your tits
I'm
diagonally parked in a parallel universe
I'm
not giving a shit, even as we speak
I'm
the higher priced spread
I've
pretended to be me for so long that now I am
If
a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If
all the world's a stage, I want more props
If
it doesn't have garlic, it must be dessert
If
you ain't Moslem, you ain't Shiite.
If
you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
If
your god can't save your butt occasionally, why believe in him?
Is
it discrimination if no one will sexually harass you?
It
ain't bragging if it's true
It
ain't got a dick, I ain't interested
It
doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose
It's
not at all safe, but it's fun
Just
remember, sometimes the dragon wins
King
Kong died for your sins
Life
- the next best thing to being there
Live
each day as your last - scream like a bastard
Marry
me and I'll never bother you again
Money
can't buy friends, but it'll get you a better class of enemy
My
driver's license looks better than me!
My
IQ test came back negative.
Nature
always sides with the hidden flaw
Never
let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing
Normal
is that which nobody quite is
Nothing
really obnoxious ever totally disappears
Obviously
the "C" in "rap" is silent.
Operator!
Trace this call and tell me where I am!
PMS
- A Momentary Lapse of Reason
Psychology
- The art of turning stupidity into illness
Reality
is something you have to rise above
Sandwich
- A faulty attempt to make both ends meat
Sex
is like air - It's only a big deal if you can't get any
Sex
makes strange bedfellows
Sex
vs Death; No one laughs if you die alone
Sexual
harassment will not be reported, but it will be graded
Smoking
cures weight problems, eventually
Started
out with nothing, still got most of it
Take
20 aspirins; if you live you'll feel great!
The
best defense against logic is stupidity
The
best sex is messy sex
The
bigger the smile, the sharper the knife
The
future is just like the present, only longer
There's
no future in time travel
Thou
shalt not admit adultery
Time
flies when you don't know what you're doing
To
appreciate a job, imagine yourself without it
Today's
been one hell of a week
Well,
what should we lie about now?
What
can you compare the universe with?
When
I wake up and find out where I am at, I am gonna be pissed
Whenever
I think about the past it brings back so many memories...
Who
ever said that reality had to work right?
Whom
computers would destroy, they must first drive insane
Why
a training bra? What can it teach us?
Why
not just tape a pen to the sword?
Winning
isn't everything, but losing sucks
Without
gravity, birds would die and stay up there
World
Domination - is it worth the responsibility?
Yes,
I'm weird, but I'm saving to be eccentric
Yesterday
the planet seemed to be going so well...
You
aren't lost if you don't care where you are
You
non-conformists are all alike
You're
just as unique as everyone else
When
shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
If
it ain't broke, let me have a shot at it...
If
it isn't borken, don't fix it.
Eat
the rich - the poor are tough and stringy.
The
floggings will continue until morale imporoves
The
best alternative to INTELLIGENCE is SILENCE
Minds,
like parachutes, only work when open.
I
sentence you to hang by the neck until you cheer up.
Honey,
tell Santa I need more ammo...
We
paranoids DO have enemies!
Pick
a window....... you're going through it.
Shampoo?
No thanks, I'll use real poo.
Thank
you for annoying me more than you do...
I'll
have what the guy on the floor is having...
My
brain operation was considered minor surgery.
If
idiots could fly then this would be an airport.
Everyone
is entitled to my opinion.
Beware
of a half-truth. You may be getting the wrong half.
Treat
each day as your last: one day you will be right.
Nothing
really happens until it happens to you.
It's
been lovely but I have to scream now.
Of
all the things I've ever lost, the thing I miss most is my mind...
Sometimes
you're a bug... sometimes you're a windshield...
I
am the root of some evil... send me money!
If
there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
To
Be Or... CRAP! What was the question?
I
don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Answers:
$1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free.
You
are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
Oh,
no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
I'm
not arrogant, I'm RIGHT!
At
the end of the game, the king and the pawn go into the same bag.
Advice
is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
After
all is said and done, much more is said then done.
He
who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
If
at first you don't succeed then skydiving isn't for you.
He
who dies with the most toys - is dead.
I
made it foolproof but they're making better fools...
Of
all liars, memory is the most convincing.
If
at first you don't succeed, deny you even tried.
Another
smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.
Don't
take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Don't
insult the Alligator until after you cross the river.
Yep!
You bet! What was that you said?
Open
minded? Space Cadet? Vacuum Technology?
Artificial
Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
Forgive
your enemies but never forget their names.
Murder
is just extroverted suicide...
Mistakes
will happen, but don't give them too much help.
My
mind ain't so open that anything can crawl right in.
I'm
not paranoid. Which one of my enemies said I was?
Nothing's
impossible for those who don't have to do it.
War
never decides who is right, only who is left.
Excuse
me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.
A
friend is someone who knows me and likes me anyway.
I'd
have written sooner, but I thought I owed you money.
Nothing
is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
Incontinence
Hotline: Can you hold please?
Quit
smiling. You're scaring the children.
Look,
you uncoordinated cockroach, do it right or let someone with a brain have a
shot at it.
Some
people say you're a lot less boring when you're asleep.
Your
presence is unneeded, unwanted, and usually unnoticed.
Congratulations!
I hear you got promoted to idiot!
I
could really use a new vacuum. Is your head availible?
How
many times do you have to be told? The button on top makes the pen come out
the bottom.
You're
about as useful as a parachutist on a submarine.
Your
personality really grows on people; kind'a like a human fungus.
Just
because you look stupid doesn't mean you're not.
If
ninety percent of your intelligence came back you'd almost be normal.
Is
your head naturally pointed or do you have to sharpen it every day?
Is
that your face or did your butt grow a nose?
As
poorly as you perform maybe we should send you back to the zoo for some more
training.
Buzz
off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes.
Not
now... the monsters haven't turned blue yet and I need to collect more dots.
Not
now... my plot to take over the world is thickening.
Not
now... all my crayons have melted together.
Not
now... I have to fulfill my potential.
Not
now... I really don't want to leave my comfort zone.
Not
now... my subconscious says no.
Not
now... I left my body in my other clothes.
Not
now... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
Not
now... there are important world issues that need worrying about.
Not
now... I feel a song coming on.
Not
now... I'm trying to be less popular.
Not
now... you know how we psychoes are.
Not
now... I prefer to remain an enigma.
Not
now... I think you want the OTHER [your name]
Not
now... I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
Not
now... there's a disturbance in the Force.
Boys,
you have ALL been selected to LEAVE the PLANET in 15 minutes!!!
Did
I do an incorrect thing?
Did
I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
Don't
hit me! I'm in the Twilight Zone!
FUN
is never having to say you're SUSHI!!!
Half
a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
He
is the MELBA-BEING...the ANGEL CAKE...XEROX him, XEROX him!
HELLO,
everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
...bleakness...desolation...plastic
forks...
...I
see TOILET SEATS...
Actually,
what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!
Are
we THERE yet?
Cluttered
desk= cluttered mind. Empty desk= empty ________?
Everything
hurts... And what doesn't don't work...
Freedom
is doing what you like. Happiness is liking what you do.
In
case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
Judge
people by what they are, not where they are.
Never
put off tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Things
work better if you plug them in...
Too
busy to laugh? Then you are too busy.
Want
to do something big? Then pick up a boulder.
When
in doubt, mumble
When
talking nonsense try not to be serious.
An
authority knows lots of things you don't care about.
Can't
underestimate the power of fear.
Drive
carefully, death is *so* permanent.
Ever
stop to think and forget to start again?
Every
man has a scheme that absolutely won't work.
Every
minute you are angry wastes 60 happy seconds.
Everyone
is entitled to my opinion.
Everything
going good? You must have overlooked something.
Grass
is nature's way of saying high.
He
who hesitates is last.
I
wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money.
Never
put off to tomorrow what you can put off altogether
Never
lie unless you have an awfully good memory.
Say
nothing and they think you're stupid... talk and they'll know for sure.