DILBERT'S WORDS  OF  WISDOM AND  LAW

·           I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

·           I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

·           Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

·           Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days, the statue.

·           Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

·           I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.

·           My reality check bounced.

·           On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

·           I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

·           You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

·           Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

·           Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

·           Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

·           A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the arse.

·           Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

·           After any salary rise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

·           The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

·           You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

·           Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

·           When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

·           If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

·           There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

·           Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

·           Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

·           To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.

·           Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he or she is supposed to be doing.

·           Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

·           If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

·           You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

·           People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

·           If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

·           At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

·           When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

·           Following the rules will not get the job done.

·           Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

·           When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'

·           The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.