DEEP THOUGHTS
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How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
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Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
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Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask
them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
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Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
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Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?
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The light went out, but where to?
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Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
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Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
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Why is the alphabet in that order?
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If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?
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What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not a-door?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in
adultery?
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If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what
is the opposite of progress?
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Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
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Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
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Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
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Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
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Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
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Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
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War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
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If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear
him, is he still wrong?
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If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would
they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
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When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
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When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
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Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
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Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why do they report power outages on TV?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?
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Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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What's another word for thesaurus?
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If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON. how do they make it stick to the
pan?
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
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If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. why are there
locks on the doors?
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If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
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If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
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If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
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If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
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Why is the word abbreviation so long?
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When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
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If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
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Can a fat person go skinny dipping?
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Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
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Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
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Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
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Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
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Have you ever imagined a world with out hypothetical situations?
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If a cow laughed. would milk come out her nose?
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If your in a vehicle going the speed of light. what happens when
you turn on the headlights?
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Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
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Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment. but when you transport something by ship. its cargo?
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You know that little indestructable black box that is used on
planes. Why dont they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
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Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address. you
turn down the volume on the radio?
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Last night I played a
blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If a person with multiple
personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
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Just think how much deeper
the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
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I went for a walk last
night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'
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So what's the speed of
dark?
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After eating, do
amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
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Why don't they just make
mouse-flavoured cat food?
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If you're sending someone
some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
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I just got skylights put
in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
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Why do they sterilise
needles for lethal injections?
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Do they have reserved
parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
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Is it true that cannibals
don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If it's tourist season,
why can't we shoot them?
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Isn't Disney World a
people-trap operated by a mouse?
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Whose cruel idea was it
for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
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How come 'abbreviated' is
such a long word?
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If it's zero degrees
outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it
going to be?
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Why do you press harder on
a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
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Why are they called
buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
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Why are they called
apartments when they're all stuck together?
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Why do banks charge you a
'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?
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If the universe is
everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it
expanding into?
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What would a chair look
like if your knees bent the other way?
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If a tree falls in the
forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Why is a carrot more
orange than an orange?
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When two aeroplanes almost
collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
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Do fish get cramps after
eating?
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Why are there five
syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
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Why do scientists call it
'research' when they are looking for something new?
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If vegetarians eat
vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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When I erase a word with a
pencil, where does it go?
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Why is it that when a door
is open, it's ajar; but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Tell a man that there are
400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he
has to touch it.
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How come Superman could
stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Why do we wait until a pig
is dead to 'cure' it?
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Why do we wash bath
towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Why do we put suits in a
garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
ü
Why doesn't glue stick to
the inside of the bottle?
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What do little birdies see
when they get knocked unconscious?
ü
Why doesn't Tarzan have a
beard?
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If man evolved from
monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Should you trust a
stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
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Is boneless chicken
considered to be an invertebrate?
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Do married people live
longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?
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I went to a book store and
asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me
it would defeat the purpose.
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If all those psychics know
the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
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Isn't the best way to save
face to keep the lower part shut?
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If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on
money they already know you don't
have?
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Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
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Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
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In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
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How come there aren't B batteries?
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How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
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If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
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Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
ü How do you know honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
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How do you throw away a garbage can?
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How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
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How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
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If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?
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If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on
the outside of his trousers?
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Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put
money into telescopes so they can
see things on the ground close-up?
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Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing
people is wrong?
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Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he
ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
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Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
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Why do you park on driveways and dive on parkways
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do veterinarians eat?