LIFE LESSONS:

1. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce: The universe is even bigger than they thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! Whatever they said last year about global warming is wrong.

6. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

7. You should not confuse your career with your life.

8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

10. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.