Drinker’s fault-finding guide

 

Symptom:

 

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

 

Fault:

 

Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

 

Solution:

 

Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.  Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

 

Symptom:

 

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

 

Fault:

 

Glass is empty.

 

Solution:

 

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom:

 

Feet cold and wet.

 

Fault:

 

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

 

Solution:

 

Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

 

Symptom:

 

Feet warm and wet.

 

Fault:

 

Loss of self-control.

 

Solution:

 

Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

 

Symptom:

 

Bar blurred.

 

Fault:

 

You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

 

Solution:

 

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom:

 

Bar swaying.

 

Fault:

 

Air turbulence unusually high perhaps due to darts match in progress.

 

Solution:

 

Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

 

Symptom:

 

Bar moving.

 

Fault:

 

You are being carried out.

 

Solution:

 

Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

 

Symptom:

 

The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a flourescent strip across it.

 

Fault:

 

You have fallen over backwards.

 

Solution:

 

If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

 

Symptom:

 

Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

 

Fault:

 

You have fallen over forwards.

 

Solution:

 

Same as for falling over backwards.

 

Symptom:

 

You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet.  You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

 

Fault:

 

You have spent the night in the gutter.

 

Solution:

 

Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

 

Symptom:

 

Everything has gone dim.

 

Fault:

 

The pub is closing.

 

Solution:

 

Panic.