How To Be Annoying

A guide to ticking off your friends

-Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you, "like it that way".

-Drum on every available surface.

-Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

-Staple papers in the middle of the page.

-Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

-Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

-Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

-Specify that your drive-through order is, "to go".

-Set alarms for random times.

-Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

-Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

-Leave your Metallica tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

-Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

-Honk and wave to strangers.

-Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

-Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

-Wear your pants backwards.

-Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

-Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

-Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.

-ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

-only type in lower-case.

-dont use any punctuation either

-Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

-Pay for your dinner with pennies.

-Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

-Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

-Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.

-Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

-Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"

"What?"

"Never mind, it's gone now."

-Light road flares on a birthday cake.

-Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

-Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

-Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

-Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

-At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

-Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

-As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

-Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

-Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

-Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)

-Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

-Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

-Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

-Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

-Ask people what gender they are.

-Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

-Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

-Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off, "In case the big one comes".

-Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

-Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains

-While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

-Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

-Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

-Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

-Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

-Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

-Wear a LOT of cologne.

-Ask to "interface" with someone.

-Sing along at the opera.

-Mow your lawn with scissors.

-Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

-Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

-Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

-Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

-Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

-Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

-Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

-Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

-Never make eye contact.

-Never break eye contact.

-Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

-Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

-Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal voice.

-Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

-Make appointments for the 31st of September.

-Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

*And the #1 way to be annoying....*

-Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.