How To Be A Cultist (PG)
~Matthew
How To Be A Cultist:
Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable
decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil
priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this
growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for
Cultists.
1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of
the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct
pronunciation of your deity+s name in the privacy of your own room
before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight+ it
attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various
supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during
thunderstorms.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress
this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are
like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver
knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare,
condoms, and change.
7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es).
Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going +round to beat up
the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest.
Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
9. Don't gloat.
10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.
11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don+t leave the hero(es)
to die slowly. They don+t.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to die
slowly, don+t have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at
the last moment to foil your evil plot.
13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible
moment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour
early+they hate that.
14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in
while still affording ample concealment.
15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not
absolutely comfortable with.
16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are
not absolutely comfortable with.
17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR
EYES.
Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they+d just
remember this simple safety tip.
18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now
generally considered -bad form.-
20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before
the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic
deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.
When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to
discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on
and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours,
some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
22. Never play strip Tarot.
23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature
can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own
soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the
heaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not
feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled
by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly
jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam + is right
out.