First - Date Etiquette

For guys:

• Never beg a girl to fuck you on the first date. It’s considered impolite.
• PLEASE put on deodorant and for the love of God, don’t overdose on cologne.
• If you have a condom stuck somewhere in your wallet, try to keep it hidden. If your date sees it, that could kinda get you slapped.
• On the first date, don’t talk about your collection of fruit flies, your time spent in the hospital for testicle recovery surgery, or how your cousin Bubba is currently serving a prison term for stalking The Artist Formerly Known As Ginger Spice.
• Don’t order any weird foreign foods unless you’ve actually eaten it before.
• Bragging about how many times you’ve ‘gotten lucky’ before is not a wise move. Especially if your date has any resemblance to Xena.
• Grunting is not considered actual conversation. Open your mouth and try forming some words, instead.
• If you run into any friends, a word of advice: don’t engage in more than ten minutes of macho ‘male bonding’ in the case you might alienate your date. Since you actually let your true self come out in the company of your friends.

For girls:

• As I previously told the ‘men’ before: if you run into your friends, don’t hang out with them for more than ten minutes. Guys seem to get freaked if they think they might get sucked into ‘girlie bonding time’.
• Keep track that you don’t say ‘like’ more than 100 times. That might be a turnoff.
• When you order food, actually eat. (And no, pushing around a carrot slice and then claiming you’re full doesn’t count.)
• About what to wear: bikinis and lingerie might not be a good choice if you’re going somewhere air – conditioned. (Or at all.)
• Sorry to disappoint you, but Princess Leia – style hair isn’t exactly in vogue right now. Also, wearing that as a style might cause your date to look around, worried that Han Solo might show up wanting to regulate some earth – boy ass.
• If you’re planning on wearing a tank top, it might help things if you shave your pits.
• Put a gag on that Betty & Wilma – ish giggle. That’s lame, not to mention you might pierce his eardrums.
• Save your stories about how you’ve been a groupie for three different boybands for another time. Only tell him on the first date if he’s some loser who you’d like to get rid of … or if he’s shared the same experience.