Baby care for the first time parent (PG)

 Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:

 - Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby.

 - If baby starts to choke, don't help: Allowing infant to cough up blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in development of his or her self-esteem.

 - Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use.

 - Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"

 - Babies love to play. Grasp baby by ankles and, with quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor.

 - Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side.

 - Baby carriers are a needless expense. Try metal pail instead.

 - Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute, you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't - fingers and toes do not grow back.

 - When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box.

 - Car safety is an important, often overlooked facet of infant care. When securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed.

 - When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun "it."

 - Develop baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands at his or her face. In time, he or she will learn to block them.
 
 Thanks to Matthew for this list!