30 things to do on an exam when you know you’re going to fail it anyway

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam.  Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud.  If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m sooo sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Gameboy.  Play with the volume at maximum level.

4. On the answer sheet, find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question.  For example: “I refuse to answer this question on grounds of personal health; in that the notion suggested may result in a breach with consensus reality.” Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically.  Breathe a sigh of relief.  Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me; I have to leave the country!” and run off.

6. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into tiny pieces, throw them in the air and yell out “Merry Christmas” If you’re really daring, ask for another exam.  Say you lost the first one.  Repeat this process every 15 minutes.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer.  Try to work it out of him/her.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she’s not looking.  Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every five minutes, stand up, collect your things, move to another seat and continue the exam.

12. Turn in the exam after 30 minutes.  As you walk out, comment on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam.  Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out, “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (e.g.  threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone is done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drinking).

15. Show up completely drunk.  (Completely drunk means that at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak.  After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera!” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of.  Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.  If it is written, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get the people in the room to do the wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol.  Put it right next to you.  Pray to it often.  Consider a small sacrifice...lunch is good.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you.  Tables, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet.  Hand it in.  Leave.

23. Take 6 packs of rice cakes to the exam.  Stuff at least two into your mouth at once.  Chew, then cough.  Repeat if necessary.

24. Play with yourself.  Loudly.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down.  After 5 minutes, yell to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this.  I’ve been to every lecture and lab all semester.  What’s the deal?  And who the hell are you?  Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language.  If you don’t know one, make one up.

27. Bring a black marker.  Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly.  If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper.  Duh!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the Jeopardy theme.  Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop.  When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. Time expired; unable to complete list.