A.J. told you he wanted to do it, and you always thought that what A.J. wants he gets, even if he has to go there and take it. But this isn't something to grasp; nothing to claim, here. He told you after you'd already buckled from the pleasure of him inside of you, after he kissed you softly and let your legs down, after the afterglow dimmed and he was laying with you and stroaking the hairs on your thigh.

You remember the times you'd sit across the limo from him, tracing the curve of his jaw to his neck with your eyes. It was something you wanted, but so unattainable, however close it was. In retrospect it was silly, really. He was straight, and you weren't -- there were no getting around it. And then he kissed you, and it was a promise from the moment you pulled him closer and let his tounge pull you down into what you think was the startings of love. It was a vow, silently made. You were his, and he was yours.

Quite possibly, it's been the best ten months and seventeen days of your life. It wasn't something that you could even begin to expect, but you and him are interlocking now. You fit together, like pieces of a puzzle, and he's the corner piece because no one can get close to what you have. He's in you, filling you up from the inside out with every touch, with every half whispered word of love.

You lightly stroak your other thigh, tilt your head back. You can still feel his fingerprints in your skin, and your fingers pass over them lightly, so you won't rub them out. He calls your name softly and you turn your head. You don't know what could you possibly say to him when put in a position like that. You want to opt to saying nothing.

"Brian," he says again, and you close your eyes, breathe, and open them again.

"I don't know, um..." Dammit, you don't know. You can't tell him all the bits and pieces of your mind that's devoted to him, and what's going on up there. You'll sound nuts, puzzle pieces and all. "I have to think about it."

He accepts the answer, moves and pulls you to him so your noses touch. He is soon asleep; you wonder how he falls asleep so fast, and you can't close your eyes without thinking about what he's asking to do. What he wanted.

You stare at the wall for a long while, for sleeping is out of the question. The picture in the middle of the wall is ugly, a swirl of browns and reds, on a mostly purple background. You don't have much of a choice but to look at it; he's got you binded with his legs mingled with yours and his arms slung over your waist. You ease away from him and turn your back, shimming under the sheets. You just need to think.

The whole thing goes rather quickly, right from the day after when you say fine, okay, do what you want to do. Your schedule is packed solid for about two weeks straight, and you damn management because you want this to be over and done with, so you can get back to your happy life. How did you say yes, you're not sure. Kevin, the only person that knows about you and him, told you that if he does it, if he sleeps with Howie even though you said yes, then things will never be the same, no matter how much he assures you that it will.

You hear Kevin fine, you're just not listening. Things will be the same, you're sure of it. A.J.'s sure of it. And that's all you need.

"I love you," he tells you, when all you can do in your mind is count down, and your heart doesn't skip like it used to. Love doesn't do this. Love doesn't let this happen and yeah, maybe things won't be the same. As a matter of fact, you're sure of it.

You don't understand why he wants to do it. Were you not enough?

"No, that's not it," he tells you when you ask.

"Well then? Why are you asking to cheat on me?" You prod. You toe your shoes off while you wait for the answer that he's probably conjuring up right this second, and roll your eyes. "This is a nightmare," you grumble and go to bed. The longest two weeks of your life, and you can't even get an answer as to why.

You see him and Howie, and its a wonder just how well kept is this secret, you and him. You play it cool because no one's supposed to know, but then you see them together and it's not fair. Why don't they have so much to hide, then?

You're laying with the sheets to your shoulders and staring out the window when you feel him slide in behind you, and rest his cheek on yours. "Why did you say yes, if you don't want me to?"

"Why did you ask?"

There's a long pause and a sigh. You close your eyes and wonder how long it'll take him to think up an answer.

"Look, just go and do it," you tell him, because this is the night, and it's something he's always wanted to do. Like on those talk shows with your boyfriend's fantasy and you fulfilling them, only you're not even involved.

He thanks you, asks you if you're sure and you tell him to just get on with the damn thing, but he's telling you that it's a one night thing -- no strings attached. Fine. No strings attached.

Then he asks you to watch, like it'll help.

"I will not watch you cheat on me, A.J. That's just sick," you say, and so he goes into Howie's room, mouthing 'I love you', ending it all with the closing of the door.

The tears sting your eyes like acid, and you can feel the sinking in your heart consuming you. You said yes, but he asked. You said yes, but he did it. Pieces of a puzzle, huh? He's the corner piece but you were not, and you're easily replacable. You know that now. Now you're discarded, torn into little bits, left to be blown away. Kevin was right, things won't be the same. They aren't now, and they never will be.

Tears are running freely when you go back to your room. It's the first time A.J. has made you cry, the first time you do something like this for anyone, and the first time you leave your door locked when you go to bed. But it will be the last time you let your heart break like this.

As a matter of fact, you're sure of it, and that's all you need.

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