Disclaimer: I OWN NO ONE!! I didn’t even make up any characters in this one. (sigh) The song is owned by Sugar Ray, or maybe their record company... Hmmm... Either way, I’m making NO money. Categories: Well, it seems Alexis and Leslie have turned me, at least for this fic. I, ALT, H, M. (Astonished shouts from various MLers: What, no HR?) Sadly, no. He, he, he. Insane JQ version of “Fly” by Sugar Ray First posted on: Monday, January 31, 1999 “I Want You To Die” Mirax Harbin When something is in (parentheses) it is not part of the song. Just a way to explain what’s going on. (Scene Opens. It is various JQ villains, most notably Surd, Rage, and Zin. Think anyone bad who’s ever been on JQ. No, they don’t all have good parts. Anyway... Spot light zooms in on Rage, Surd and Zin, as the music begins, and they begin to sing along): Rage: All around the world, people died ‘cause of me! Surd: (Fondly, about Questworld): Who knows how long I’ve hacked you? Zin: Everywhere I go, Death seems to follow me! (The South Park children briefly step in, speaking not in time with the music, between lines): Like Kenny! (They exit) All Three Villains: Twenty-five years- (they stop) WHAT? (Sighs and Rage shakes his head sadly.) My, we’re getting old. All Three Again (Speaking to the Quest team, who seem to have appeared suddenly): I... Want you to die! Rage (To Jessie): Put your arms around me, Carla. Don’t you recognize your daddy? All Three Again: I... Want you to die! Anaya Zin Appears: Put your arms around me, Hadji. ‘Cause you’re still attracted to me! (She disappears again. Hadji ignores her, or at least, where she was.) The mad Doctor from “The Alchemist” steps in, singing to no one in particular: Oh, Philosopher’s Stone! Show me your riches! (he leaves again) Zin (To Jonny, Jessie, and Estella, who has suddenly appeared out of thin air, as is seems to be the case with most of the people with “Solos”): I can take you hostage! Can I show you again? Jonny: There’s no time to think. 'Bout leaping to my death. Jessie: I won’t care, I’m sure. Rage (Randomly babbling): So sayeth the book of Rage! (Everyone present turns to look at him. He begins to sing, once again randomly, to, well, no one.): I... Oh, I can fly! (Starts randomly flapping his arms, the strange bionic attachments extending and retracting randomly) You, you want me to show you? Well, all righty then, here goes! (He turns, and jumps off the cliff no one noticed was there before, flapping his arms again, the bionic attachments wiggling wildly) (Everyone shakes their heads, except Surd, who can’t, because they knew he would crack soon. They immediately resume again, though, Rage forgotten.) Zin: Well... Looks like he died. (Two of Rage’s disciples appear. We remember them from “Rage’s Burning Wheel”) Sister Carla: Well, he was too demanding. Brother James: We’ll take over without him! (They walk off again, laughing demonically about their plans) (Everyone hears Rage’s last screams): I... OH, I CAN FLY! I... OH, I CAN FLY!! (They hear a crash that is -yeah right- the end of Rage) (There is a musical interlude. No singing. Everyone starts dancing. In pairs such as these: Anaya, Elise, and Hadji. Well, not a pair, but, you know! Jessie and Milos of “The Haunted Sonata” Jonny is disappointed that, since she is not evil, Irena is not there. So he settles for Melana Zin, who is feeling a little left out anyway. Surd and... Zin? Yes. Julia and Lorenzo Sister Carla and Brother James, who have come back for the “groovy music” The two mohawked punks of “The Alchemist” There are many other such strange couples, even Lady Caroline and Jon of “Ghost Quest” who are doing the Macarena, despite the fact that it is WAY out of style and doesn’t fit with the song. Suddenly, they all know it’s time to sing again. All jump away from one another, disgusted at themselves.) Zin (Bewildered as he remembers Rage): All around the world, much less people will die! Surd (Bored and distant): Who knows how long I’ve hacked you? (He notices the glare from Julia and Lorenzo’s laughing, and speaks, out of tempo): Oh, oops! Singing again: I’m sick of this anyway, come Julia! (he turns his chair away, ready to leave) Julia (speaking of when she was 25 years old and loved Surd for who he was... Then.): Twenty-five years old. Then I would have cared. Julia (To Surd): I... want you to die! (Starts kicking his chair. Vital circuitry sparks) Take your ugly chair away. And take yourself with it! Julia again (To Surd, again. Squealing like a stuck pig): Eeeew... You’re so gross! You’re warty and disgusting! (As an afterthought) At least in Season Two! (Surd... DIES?? Julia gives one last shriek before the kicks his chair extra hard, hitting a hidden self-destruct button) Julia: I... WANT YOU TO DIE!!! (She laughs evilly as his chair explodes) Everyone who’s ever appeared on the show (Good, bad, ghost, alien, hunter, logger, monster): What?... Surd just died! Jonny and Jessie: Yes!!... (cheering) Surd just died! (Scene fades. Music does, as well. Soon, we see nothing except Benton Race and Hadji, pouting in a corner, obviously upset) All three (whining): We can sing better than them! (They’re cut off before they can make any more comments. End.