Title, Dying Young, (One Night Stand II) Author: The Puck [MIstresspuck@juno.com] Category: Future, Fam, Alt, H, A Rating: PG 13 Disclaimer: I do not own anyone, they all belong to HB, (Except the name Cherish) I'm not maing any money for this, do not sue me. Archivers: TAKE IT!!! PROLOGUE I woke up that morning with a headache to match the master bull rider at Buffy's cavatina. I rolled out of bed to find a wad of chewing gum in my hair. " Jonathan Gerald Quest!" I yelled. My five year old son came charging into mine and my husband's bedroom with cheerios all over his chin. "Did you chew gum in mommy and daddy's bed last night?" My son the liar nodded his furry red head. I pulled him into a hug and kissed the top of his head. A ball of fuzz came up with my lips. My five year old daughter sat in Jonny's lap while she ate her cherry pop tart. She looked up at him and asked the most complex question I could ever imagined possible. "Is Jonathan gonna be ok?" Chapter One We all four sat in the waiting room as we waited for our doctor to arrive. A vision from the past came waddling through the door. Hennrietta Beech ,My doctor when I had the twins, signed that she was glad to see both me and my husband, but was exstatic to see the two little ones she had helped bring into this big world. I got up and hugged her thick neck tightly and so did my little Rachel Estelle. Jonathan lay in his fathers arms, pale and moving very little. The big woman took him in her fat arms and walked with us into the room. My son lay on the table and was passed through the big tube in five minutes. He didn't utter a sound. Which really scared me because Jonathan can bring down the house when he sees fit. The colorful piece of paper told me all I needed to know. My little boy, who wanted to be a science engineer, was dying of cancer. I cried the night it happened. Jonathan was just so sleepy he had to take a nap. His little bald head, which used to be covered with fine red hair, rested on his Puff the magic dragon pillow and he looked up at me and said "Will you sing me to sleep Mommy?" I nodded. I sang the song that he loved the most. He smiled up at me with his large emerald eyes. My heart was aching so bad for my boy, who was dying slowly, from a disease I thought I'd never fear. When his clear blue eyes closed I didn't know why, but I knew what had happened. My little Jonathan, was dead. Rachel Estelle grabbed my hand and hung on like she was going to fall off of the face of the earth. "Why are you crying mommy?" I looked down at her and saw that I couldn't bear to lie to her. "Sweetie," I said bending down. "Jonathan went to live with Jesus, and his angels." She frowned and said "Is Jonathan an angel Mommy?" I nodded. "I don't want Jonathan to be an Angel mommy, 'cause then he'll never come back!" She cried. "I took her up in my lap and stroked her oft blond hair, and looked at her crystal blue eyes. "Honey, I know you don't want him to leave, but, he's already gone." I said sadly. She flung her arms around my neck and cried grown-up tears. "It's okay Rae, mommy's here go ahead and cry if you want." I wanted to take her burden and put it on my shoulders. This was more than my little girl should've had to have bared. CHAPTER 2 The dream was the same as always, Jonathan undergoing his last chemotherapy. Him, thrashing around, screaming, crying, his small fragile arms reaching out for me. His hoarse voice crying for me to save him from the "bug zapper" Yet, the closer I got to my dying little boy,the farther away he drifted, every step becoming more painful and more slow, like walking in molasses. Until I finally woke up screaming "Jonathan! Jonathan! I'm coming!" And I would get up, and run into his bedroom, but he wouldn't be there. He'd be deep in the cold unforgiving ground. Leaving me to sit on his bed and cry inside my shell of body. I could feel nothing more than pure agony, feeling that somehow, I blamed myself for his death. "I'm tired." My husband Jonny said slapping down the morning newspaper. "Then go back to bed."I mumbled dryly. "No, I'm tired of seeing you like this, I know this has been tough on you but, Think," He tapped his forehead, then mine."You have a daughter who needs you right now. I need you. Rachel Estelle needs you to tell her everything's gonna be ok. I need you so I won't go insane." He said. I leaned back in my chair and sipped my swiusse Mocha. "I have lost a child Jonny. I can't get over it as easily as you can." I said plainly, My sinuses ached with every word. "I'm still grieving for him but I got on with it. You're young, there will probably be another baby before you're through-" "_No. I'm never having another child. Nothing can ever fill this gaping hole. Right here." I said spreading my hand over my chest. "I know nothing can fill the hole. I'm just trying to say that you need to put it behind you, and move on. Be the mother and wife you used to be." He said softly. Rachel Estelle walked into the dining room holding Enya's hand. "I found her in the garden. digging up the rose bushes." Enya said, and thrust forth my dirty daughter. "Why were you digging up he pretty roses Rae?" I asked. "Because you sid they Buried Jonathan where the roses were, and I wanted to find him and visit him." "Oh sweetie, they meant at the church. Brother Larry meant the place with all those cross shaped stones." I said picking her up into my lap. But, my voice lacked it's motherly appeal. "That's just what I'm talking about Jessie, You always tell her where he's buried, and that he's gone, but not once in ten months have I heard the words, 'Let's move on.' " I told Rachel Estelle to go upstairs and wash up, and I took Jonny out onto the back balcony. Then we were screaming at each other, him trying to make me forget, I trying to reconcile my feelings. I was so selfish. . . . CHAPTER 3 "FINE! I'm leaving!" Jonny shouted turning on his heel and storming up the stairs. I called after him. "You can't leave." He spun around, his thick honey gold hair brushing his shoulders and his slate blue eyes cold as ice. "Watch me." he said and walked the rest of the way up the stairs, leaving me to sink to my knees and cry there at the bottom of the stairs. My bourbon sitting at the table un drank. He stormed past me and looked back with remorse. Then he yelled past me. "C'mon Rae! It's time to go." I snapped my head up. "No, you can't take Rae, she's all I have left." He glared at me. He was wearing the same shirt that he had when we first met. "I have the right to take her until you're ready to accept what's happened in good faith and move on. Only then do Myself and My daughter come back." He said icily as he clutched Rachel Estelle hand and walked out of the door. I caught a glimpse of silver as his mercedes Drove out of our driveway. He was on his way back to his former home. I sat there and cried being the hopeless drunkard that I had become. I slouched at the window sill, my limp red hair in loose strands from the flimsy bun, and my clogged green eyes focusing on one point. The wooden swing where I had last sat with my husband. Now we were separated and I could only see Rachel Estelle when Jonny saw that I was not drunk. I had taken to drinking right after my son had died and was pretty messed up most of the time. Jonny and I hadn't made love since the twins were born, we just didn't have the drive anymore. Now Rachel Estelle was stuck in that huge compound with one whole wing to herself. Once, I overheard her talking to Jonny. "This is much better than mommy's house 'cause it's got more room." I had left right after I heard this. It seemed she hadn't even missed me. My head wasn't on straight. . . . . CHAPTER FOUR It was December 12. My birthday. It was horrible. I had Enya make the cake with scotch instead of water. The cake was so drugged that Enya passed out on the third piece. I sat there hugging my knees close and taking deep drags on my cigarette. Another habit I had taken up. Only when the ash burned a hole in my Harvard sweats did I know that the candles had burned down so far, they were just puddles of wax on the cake. I walked into the bathroom and started to open up the mirror to take some Asprin and I saw the horrible mess in which I had become. My once vibrant hair hung limply about my pale shoulders. My rosy cheeks were dug out with gaunt hollows where I had refused to eat. My once healthy body hung in ruin. My breasts were like sponges that held gallons of water. My eyes had so many bags under them, I could have used them for skin grafts. My once taut stomach had grown flabby from want of exercise and my legs looked as if I had drawn on them in blue marker. I took a long look at my cigarette and then at the whisky in my other hand. I poured the drink into the toilet and put out my cigarette. I stood up straighter and marched into my closet and took the dress that I'd worn the first night Jonny had taken me to dinner and tried to put it on. I only succeeded in getting the back halfway zipped. But, I had taken the first step in Operation: Get my Family Back. CHAPTER FIVE I stepped onto the Nordic Track for the first time in ten years. It took about a half an hour to get used to all the little buttons and curves, but I was determined to get back my reputation. I set the pace for rabbit and ran. And ran and ran and ran. Then, as I was taking a glimpse in the mirror and I saw that I was just a mass of bones and skin. I needed to eat a little more. I stepped off of the exercise machine, and the first thought I had in my head was, 'Scotch' I started to go for the liquor cabinet, but pulled myself to the fridge and got a 'Boost' Instead. I then grabbed some towels from the hall closet and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and waited for the water to heat up. I thought back on the last two months and remembered that this was my first shower since the separation. I stepped into the marble stall and wet my hair. Then I squeezed some Salon selectives onto my palm and lathered up. The soap felt good against my filthy skin. By the time my hair was clean, I felt as if I could take on a whole army of Jonnys. I then sang at the top of my lungs, which I hadn't done since my senior year at MIT. I began to dance around in the shower like a gypsy and tossed my hair and mimicked a guitar with my back scrubber. I finally remembered making life fun= without alcohol. CHAPTER SIX I dressed in the best clothes I had and grabbed my purse. I checked my face for impurities and walked out of my room, marched down the stairs, and out to my BMW. The engine whined from the cold December air and finally puttered to a purr. I slowly drove down the driveway, leaving my little snug rug behind. I drove down Newport Dr. until I reached number eighteen. The driveway was long and sparsely decorated. "Maybe I should have moved in here. At least I put lights around Christmas time." I said. I finally arrived at his House. Fortress more like it. I smiled and prepared to take the biggest steps I had taken since Marrying Jonny. I knocked on the door and slouched like I had been drinking. Jonny opened the door, and I picked myself up and walked in. "Hi!" I said cheerily. "Wher'es Rachel-estelle?" I asked. "Upstairs, but you can't see her when you're drunk. Now, please leave I'm trying to do taxes." I spun around. "Hah ha-ha." I said. "I am not drunk. I quit, now, what's this I hear about taxes? April 15th is a long way away." Jonny looked at me through his wire frames. I smiled and put on my readers. "Now, you look much better. A little haggard, but, still, you're as handsome as the day I met you." I said. His jaw dropped. Rachel-Estelle came running down the stairs.She saw me and ran to me. "Mommy! You look pretty." She said. I hugged her tight and said. "You go get back into bed, and I'll be right up. I promise." I said. she hugged me and ran upstairs. Jonny took off his glasses. "I can't believe it." He said. I smiled. "He reached out and touched my face. His caress as soft as a butterfly wing. I inhaled. "You are beautiful." He whispered. I looked at him and my eyes got misty. "I want you to come home. I miss you and Rachel-Estelle, Enya misses you both. I quit drinking, I go to therapy classes twice a month. I'm doing okay." I pleaded. He nodded. "I want to come home too. I have been waiting for almost a year for you to say those few words." He said. "Here's a few more. I love you." I sid. Then he leaned in and kissed me. One of the few pleasures in life, is complete and utter satisfaction. I was feeling near to satisfaction that very moment. He was coming home, they were both coming home. Chapter Seven It was almost a year after I had been reborn that my life truly started anew. It was Rae's seventh birthday and as part of her gift we were letting her stay the night over at her friend Jamie's house. We were having a nudie night, sans clothing. In the summer the house gets hot, air condition or no, and when ever possible, Jonny and I go nude late at night. It really helps alot. I was reading a book and Jonny was watching a late night documentary on childbirth. "They're all liars you know, Childbirth is NOTHING like that!" I yelled laughing even as I was mad. "I take it you're just mad because we didin't get there in time for them to dope you up?" I smirked at him over my reading glasses, and imitated myself on drugs. We both laughed and after a while he turned the TV off and I put down my book. "Y'know, this is our first night "Alone" since the twins were born." He said languidly dragging his fingers over the cotton sheets. "I took off my reading glasses and he took off his glasses. "Jonny Quest are you telling me you have a sex drive?" "Grrrrowl." And such began a night of wrestling like children, singing like gypsies, and finally ending an otherwise boring evening with an all-time favorite adult activity. Chapter Eight Rachel Estelle came walking through the door at 3:30 pm, carrying her sack full of books and mumbling to herself. "So Rae, how was your first day of first grade?" She shrugged her book bag onto a chair and came to sit in my lap, I put my arms around her and hugged her close to me. "My teacher, Miss Carmine is really fat! And when we were on lunch break I asked her why she was fat and she said she wasn't fat, that she was something called "pregnant". Is Miss Carmine going to live with Jesus, like Jonathan did?" I smiled at her and kissed her head, and thought about just what she was asking me. She thought being pregnant meant you were sick, not that you were going to have a baby. I immeadiatley thought of a solution. "No no no Rae, she's not going to Go live with the angels, she's going to have a baby!" "A _Baby_? You mean she's not gonna die?" I laughed, maybe half heartedly, but still I laughed. what she asked me next caught me totally off guard. "Mommy, How did the baby get inside her tummy? Where do they come from?" I nearly choked on the V8 I was drinking and soon, fruit punch came out of my nose, a truly disturbing sight. "Lets go ask daddy okay?" Rae always loved to sit on Jonny's knee and hear him tell stories or read to her, she just loved the strong sound of his voice. When we walked up the stairs Rae walked two stairs ahead of me, taking the steps two at a time. I remembered when I was a child I did that too. we walked down the hallway and into Jonny's Study, where he was working on somthing important. "Daddy!" Rae said happily skipping up to Jonny and crawling into his lap. "Rachel-Estelle, what brings you up to me?" "Daddy, I want to know where babies come from." I looked over at him, watching to see if he wold flinch, but for the next ten minutes he carefully explained where babies came from, and answered all of her questions willingly and happily until one. "Daddy, you do that to mommy!?" Suddenly his face blushed a bright red. I cracked a smile. "W-w-w-well.....y-yes sometimes." I wanted to laugh so hard my sides were aching. "mommy, you let daddy do that to you!?" Again I choked, not expecting the questions to turn to me. But I recovered, it was my turn to laugh. "Yes. and from bnow on, when there is a green square hanging from the doorknob you can come in without knocking, but if there is a red square hanging from the doorknob, you have to knock first." Rae bounced off Jonny's laugh and walked over to me, her blond ringlets bouncing with every step. "Mommy....was _I_ in there too once?" I nodded. "Gross! I'm never having a baby if I have to do that!" And she ran downstairs, taking the steps two at a time. Chapter Nine "Impossible.." I mused to myself, here I was, narly into my thirties and having another baby. Somwhere in my heart, I remembered the conversation Jonny and I once had. *There will probably be another baby before you're through- No, I'm never having another child* But the bad feeling was quickly replaced by the fact that I had another life to nourish inside me. I folded my hands over my flat stomach, if my calculations were correct, it wouldn't be long till it wasn't flat anymore. M heart leapt for joy, then sunk again. What if I miscarried again? What will JOnny say. The questions flaoted around in my head for three hours, then I walked through the kitchen, where Rae was coloring a big fish with bright crayons. I sat down beside her. "Mommy, did they have crayons when you were little?" I picked one up and examined it. "They sure did, I remember when I used to eat them." I took a bite off the unused flat end. "They don't quite taste the same." Rachel-Estelle hoarded her crayons away from me with a horrified yet comical expression. "MOMMY! Crayons are bad for you! Jamie ate a blue one and threw up!" I shrugged and smiled. "Well, she obviously didn't have a good old-fasioned crayon. They were okay to eat when I was a kid." Rae laughed until she snorted, somthing she did NOT get from me. "mommy, can we make some real food so you won't eat my crayons?" I picked her up from the seat and threw her over my shoulder and marched into the kitchen, where we proceded to make a BIG mess. After getting tiny marshmallos stuck in her hair and peanut butter smeared all over her face, Rae and I were a fright, I had jelly on my fingers and face, and I was COVERED in chocolate sauce. all we ended up with were peanut budder and Jelly sandwiches complete with chocolate milk..... with marshmallows. Enya came in while we were eating and I struggled with my sandwich to try to explain but Enya's face was bright, like a light. "You and Jonny do not make enough mess, Rachel-Estelle do not make much mess, but this... this is BIG mess! Make me very happy to have something to do!!" we wer promptly shoo-ed out, and we ran into Jonny, who was just coming back from a haircut. HIs golden hair hung neatly just below his shoulderblades and his chin was covered in stubble. I'd had mine and Rae's hair cut the same way, just long enough to make a decent pony tail. "Jonny..... I have a surprize for you!" I said suddenly feeling happy light and carefree. "What is it my beautiful wife?" I trulysmiled then and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm going to be a beautiful mother too." He stopped, and then burst out in a fit of wild, boistious laughter, which caught on quickly, soon he was chanting over and over that he was gon to be a father all over again, I felt proud and happy, unlike I had felt in a very long time. Chapter Ten Almost eight months into my pregancy was Feburary 8th, Rae's 8th birthday, I noticed she seemed faraway, distant, even her friends seemed like they were all someplace else. Thinking she was maybe ill, I ended the party early and Made Rae some hot soup. No one complained. I stroked her hair and twirled with the ends of it, wondering for the right words to say. "Rachel-Estelle, is there something wrong? Are you feeling okay?" "MOmmy, are you going to have a baby?" I was shocked, here it was almost over, and she was just Noticing. "Yes Rae, do you want to talk about it?" She threw her arms around me and cried hysterically. "Mommy! I don't want yu to have any baby! Jamie said her mommy and daddy forgot all about her when they had a new baby! I don't want you to forget me!" Suddenly, it all peiced together, I had been so busy keeping my diet and schedual to the letter, and making several trips to the doctor to make sure the baby was healthy, did I somehow neglect Rae and Jonny? "Oh Rachel-Estelle, I'm so sorry honey... Have I been forgetting you? Do you want to know why mommy has been so busy?" She stopped crying and put her hands on my stomach, listening quietly. "You see, when I was pregnant with you and Jonathan, I had what's called a miscarriage, when the baby goes to heaven before it is born, and it hurt me very much, here-" I pointed to my stomach, "- and here too." I spread my hand over my heart. Rae looked terrified, for a moment she looked like she was about to cry again, but instead she hugged my stomach. Whn she spoke she sounded somehow more mature. "Momma, I don't want the baby to die, I'll be the bestest big sister in the world! I'm sorry I said those things momma! I love you!" Then we were both crying, and holding each other, I was crying for my little girl, who had to grow up in such a short amount of time, who'd never said the word 'die' or 'dead', she was growing up fast. Later on that day, Rae asked me a question that should have been easy to answer. "Mommy what does _cherish_ mean?" I put down my book and helped Rae climb into my lap. "Well, it means you treasure somthing, you hold it close to you." "I don't understand momma." I racked my brain for an example, and thought of her faveorite toy. "Do you love Roxy? The stuffed raccoon daddy gave you when you wer still a baby?" She nodded. "Do you make sure nothing happens to her, and that you never let anyone hurt her?" She smiled and nodded. "Then you Cherish her , you love her very much." She brightened with understanding. "Momma, I love my little sister very much, can we name her Cherish?" I rolled the name over in my mind, connecting it with other names and finally one clicked. "Yes. That will be perfect, Cherish Jessica Quest. You are certainly a big girl now huh Rae?" I asked, beaming when she laughed and hugged me. "I sure am! and I love you too momma!" I hugged her tight and told her I loved her too and told her to go wash up for supper. Chapter Eleven "Tell me again why we chose home childbirth?" I wheezed through labor pains, even though I was doped up from the waist down I could still feel the sharp keening in my lower back. "because you argued that if we went to a hospital you wouldn't have time to be drugged up." I nodded in between pushings. Rae and Enya were ion the next room and I wanted not to scare her with my screaming. It was an ordeal I'm sure I cannot recount without the use of obscene words but I can say that it was a fairly easy birth but very messy, and I insisted they clean me up before anythin else so my daughter could come in. AFter I was finished she came in very meekly, washed her hands and took off her shoes without being told and crawled into the big bed with me, just as Cherish was handed to JOnny, and I hugged Rae, reassuring her that the baby might need a litle more attention but Rae would still be the Big sister and could help a lot with her. When Cherish was handed to me I crooned over how much she looked like me, with a Tuft of stubborn red baby hair poking straight up. Her green eyes were droopy with sleep and she cooed at Rae, who held a finger in reach of Cherish's grip and when She latched onto Rachel-Estelle's finger I heard her say, "Hi there, little sister, I'm you're big sister, and I'm gonna teach you everything you need to know." A new fresh beginning for us all. The End