DeeoThoughts

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words-"mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at
that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I
guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
in the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to
the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.