Some people say that fantasy football is better than Christmas, and do you know
what my favorite part about Christmas is? The Surprises! We all know (well,
maybe not Steere and Duprey)
that never-would-have-guessed-it surprises have left big marks on this league
in each of the first three seasons. In year one - oft-mocked first round pick
Deuce McCallister put it all together and blew away
more probable stars like Lamont Jordan, giving Matt his reputation for having a
magic touch. In year two - Levron Williams started
the season like any fourth fantasy back, uneventfully, before going off for six
touchdowns against
The only surprise for 2003 would be if there were no surprises (woh). Anyway, I thought rather than be caught off guard
this year, I'd jump the rhino.
Ten Most Likely Surprises for 2003:
10. No trades for Ed Martin - After Ed Martin started the season a mediocre 3-2, Raphy resisted his urge to try to rip off every poor team
in the league. Acknowledging that the fantasy Gods frown on his swindling ways,
Raphy decided to play the cards he dealt himself. He finished with a 9-4
record, making it to the semifinals. After the season, Goodstein said he was
content. He also announced that he was engaged to his girlfriend of four
months, and that she was responsible for his change in persona.
"She makes me want to be a better person," Goodstein hackneyed.
9. Grandstaff's receivers come through - One might
have never guessed it in the preseason, but the string of great Arch wide
receivers continued this year with four dominant ones. Despite being in a
rushing offense, Ben Obamanu became the top receiver
in the SEC. Whitney Lewis was overweight, but he soon became the Jared Lorenzen of receivers, topping Mike Williams' freshman
records from last year. Dallas Baker was a solid No. 3 receiver despite having
the name of a pool hussler, and Devery
Henderson was good for about one Hail Mary touchdown catch a game.
8. No apologies from Kern - After a night of drunken debauchery in our nation's
capital, league ADs Raphy Goodstein and Matt Grandstaff decide to play a little practical joke. On an
official league email, the two delinquents send out a message entitled
"The History of Perchy." The 10,000 word
essay chronicles the rise and fall of Kern, from the day I kicked him out of Grandstaffs' apartment to calling the cops on Hog twice to
his exit from the league. The authors slipped Kern's email address on to the
league list, prompting this profanity-laced response from the subject.
"That wasn't my fault that I called the cops on Hog! That wasn't my fault
that I pushed Williams through Schwartz's wall! That wasn't my fault that I
walked nine batters a row in softball! You guys were acting like fucking
12-year olds!" Kern said. "And I don't look like a fish! You guys all
look like a fucking fish!"
Unexpectedly, no heartfelt apology was ever sent for the outburst.
7. Bannat knows lineups - AESUCI's
basketball guru Bannat has gained a reputation for
having the football knowledge equivlent to Rainman's social skill. However, Bannat
changed all that in 2003. Lorenzo Booker, who was given just six handoffs all
season, never started for AESUCI and neither kicker lost their job mid season.
6 B.J. Johnson shocks - In his third year on the Skippastate
roster, B.J. was expected to be a fourth stringer - good for between 0-8 points
like always. However, B.J. shocks the college football pundits by leaping ahead
of Roy Williams as Chance Mock's go-to receiver.
After a few weeks, Johnson emerges as good for about two touchdowns and 100
yards a game and becomes an every-game player for Schwartz.
5. Gentz returns - After getting hired by the reborn Nintendo Power magazine, TFU AD Matt Grandstaff quickly ditched the MFFL…again. That led to
Thomas Howard Gentz triumphantly taking over. He took
back his UPBF squad just in time to wallop hated rival UPU, and shocked
everyone when he showed up at the league's trip to Vegas. The league later
learned that this wasn't actually Gentz, but a cousin
who murdered Gentz somewhere near
4. Bad moves pays off again - People around the MFFL are starting to wonder if Kaz has secret inside sources or secret powers, because
there was no other way to explain the way this team emerged to make the
playoffs. First Chance Harridge was ruled
academically ineligable, and then Jammal
Lord became the first QB I know of to rush for 20 tds
and pass for 30. Plus Courtney Roby was involved in every
3. Happy Valley gets jobbed - For the first time in fantasy football history,
HVU AD Dan Williams finds a different reason besides skill and luck for his
team's losses.
"It's time for something to be done about the
2. Lynell Hamilton too crunk
- With Berka's> skills in nabbing freshmen tailbacks,
it was all but assumed San Diego State running back Lynell
Hamilton would follow in the footsteps of Cedric Benson and T.A. McClendon to
earn league freshman of the year honors. However, the one-time Goody Two Shoes
saw everything go sour after one blowout night. It was supposed to be an ice
cream social, but after Steve Fisher and the SD State basketball team showed
up, things went the way of Jayzee video.
1. Steere breaks streak! - The fairy tale season of
Brian Steere ends in perfect fashion, ending the
three-peat hopes of Bovine in the finals. Armed with no experience, no quality
receivers, and a poker philosophy of "you've got to spend money to make
money," Steere seemed like the longest of long
shots in the spring. However, after Cedric Cobbs was
arrested for growing marijuana in his flower garden and Darrius
Howard lost his eye ball on a hit, Dedrick Poole
emerged from the depths of the depth chart to rush for an amazing 25
touchdowns! It also didn't hurt that Omar Jenkins came out of the woodwark in his senior year, drawing Rocket Ismail comparisons. That all helped, but in the final
against Bovine, Phillips finally got his comeuppance as Darren Sproles and Reggie Williams were knocked out early in the
week, when they hit each other in a head-on car collision some where in
southern Idaho.