Catcher in the
Holden’s Mix
1. JP – Memories
One person who comes up as a link to Holden’s past is Jane
Gallagher. She was his next door neighbor, and they would often play chess.
Their relationship was loving, bordering on the edge of romantic. They display
maturity in their affectionate displays of hand-holding and hugging. She was
the only one that Holden constantly wants to call and talk to throughout the
course of the novel. This seems like a very important relationship to Holden,
and it is beneficial to explore it. I wrote this piece as a look into Holden’s
mind when he learned that Stradlater was going to go on a date with Jane. It
displays his internal conflict wit wanting to see Jane, but not wanting to be
awkward after such a long time. This conflict eventually ends with Holden
staying upstairs without saying hello to Jane.
I wanna
tell you about this girl from way back.
I know
she’s still around but to me she only lives in my past.
Jane
wasn’t a pretty girl, but wasn’t ugly either,
Don’t
know what I would say if today I happened to meet her.
We used
to play checkers all the time, she lived next door,
Kept her
kings in the back row don’t know what she did that for.
We were
nothing more than friends in the end, we went our separate ways,
And I
hadn’t thought about her since until this day.
By some
twist of fate, my roommate was going on a date,
And I
almost passed out when I heard that his girl was Jane.
I didn’t
have the nerve to go down and say hi.
Wondered
if she’d recognize me if I passed by.
To tell
you the truth, we were closer than most friends.
Talked
all the time and in the movies we would hold hands.
It was a
childhood romance the innocence couldn’t last forever,
But no
matter how hard I tried I could never forget her.
Memories
of my past, of friends I used to have,
Come back
and then I see that most of them didn’t last.
Except
for one with one girl, one heart, and one soul,
What
could have happened if we stayed together is untold.
Memories
of my past, of friends I used to have,
Come back
and then I see that most of them didn’t last.
Except
for one with one girl, one heart, and one soul,
What
could have happened if we stayed together is untold.
Her dad
was a good-for-nothing booze hound.
She
started crying one day, what should I do now?
I tried
to comfort her I don’t know why she started crying,
But then
it started to rain, like tears falling from the sky, then
We got
closer, and then I started to kiss her.
The more
I think about it, the more I started to miss her.
then she
got up and acted like nothing happened,
And then
we went to the movies and there we held hands.
That was
the closest we ever got, wasn’t about sex,
It was
strange, and it felt like something that we should expect.
I
wondered what was next, but nothing came.
Just kept
on playing chess, another game.
So now I
wonder if I should go down and meet her.
Then
there’s the dilemma of how I should go and greet her.
Hi?
Hello? Its been a long time? How are you?
How could
I explain everything to her?
Memories
of my past, of friends I used to have
Come back
and then I see that most of them didn’t last.
Except
for one with one girl, one heart, and one soul,
What
could have happened if we stayed together is untold.
2. Dr. Dre – The Message
The only person that Holden truly respects and looks at for
help is Allie, his younger brother. Since Allie died early due to leukemia,
Holden went into depression, isolating himself from his friends and family. He
describes his brother, “You’d have liked him. He was two years younger than I
was, but he was about fifty times as intelligent…He was also the nicest, in
lots of ways. He never got mad at anybody.”(38) Dr. Dre experienced a similar
tragedy when he lost his younger brother, and wrote “The Message” as a letter
to God questioning his brother’s death. He writes, “Lord, I thought we was made
for each other, You shouldn’t connect those, made to be taken way from each
other. Now what I’m supposed to do? I’m only half the man that I was, I’ll
never last, ‘cause my better half is up there with you.” After Allie’s death,
Holden went through a period of depression, when, “I slept in the garage the
night he died, and I broke all the goddam windows with my fist, just for the
hell of it…It was a very stupid thing to do, I’ll admit, but I hardly didn’t even
know I was doing it, and you didn’t know Allie.”(39) He was mourning and
showing his grief of his loss of his brother, as Dr. Dre did, when he writes,
“I’m feelin’ like my whole world is blinded, wonderin’ why, cryin’, pourin’ out
my heart, pourin’ out liquor behind it…I done been through all emotions, from
in shock, to keeping a poker face, to straight breakin’ down and showin’ all
emotions.” Holden and Dr. Dre experience similar tragedies, and express their
mourning with an outpouring of their emotions.
[Dr. Dre]
This one is for my brother, Tyree, R.I.P.
.. [Mary J. Blige sings in the background] ..
A message to God
.. [Mary J. Blige sings in the background] ..
[Dr. Dre]
Since you finishin em early, what posessed you to start him?
We made a vow - later we'll regret til death do us part
Lord, I thought we was made for each other
You shouldn't connect those, made to be taken away from each other
Now what I'm supposed to do? I'm only half the man that I was
I'll never last, cause my better half is up there with you
You knew what you was doin when you made us; so with all due respect
you coulda forgave him, you didn't have to take him
He can take the game with him, cause he defines the word
The one who puts the G in it, who you think put me in it?
I'm feelin like my whole world is blinded - wonderin why
Cryin, pourin out my heart, pourin out liquor behind it
We fought like brothers, somethin we never should do
We coulda used time spent arguin tellin the truth
He had talent too - I had plans on watchin him grow
Don't know what hurts more - seein him leave, or watchin him go
[Mary J. Blige]
Listen listen listen.. (listen) whoahh (listen)
Listen listen listen.. (better listen) whoahh-oahhh-oahhh
Listen listen listen.. [harmonizing]
Listen.. mmm-mmm-mmm
[Rell + (Mary)]
If you wanna know why.. (why I live my life)
The way that I do.. (cause I got to get this money)
So don't worry about me.. (cause I know my way around)
I'm just hustlin everyday, runnin this race, makin this paper
[Dr. Dre]
Youse a soldier, you're probably packin heat up there
Met up with homies from the street, and got deep up there
If you only knew the way I felt before they ruined the crew
I thought I learned from Eazy, now I'm goin through it with you
We lost a thug, a son, and a father
I spoke to your son, the other day, and told him Uncle Dre got him
The Lord must be accidentally pulling your file
cause I'm still paging you, 911, straight in denial
Prayin you get it, but no man can choose the card he was dealt
You either quit, or you gon' play it like you get it
I done been through all emotions, from in shock, to keepin a poker face
to straight breakin down and showin all emotions
I'm anxious to believe in real G's don't cry
If that's the truth, then I'm realizin I ain't no gangsta
It's just not me, but you know I'ma always ride wit you
I miss you, sometimes I wish I just died wit you
[Mary J. Blige]
Listen listen listen.. (listen) whoahh (listen)
Listen listen listen.. whoahh-oahhh-oahhh
Listen listen listen.. [harmonizing]
Listen.. eyy-eyy-eyy-yeah-yeahh
[Rell + (Mary)]
If you wanna know why.. (why I live my life)
The way that I do.. (cause I got to get this money)
So don't worry about me.. (don't worry, don't worry worry)
I'm just hustlin everyday, runnin this race, makin this paper
[Mary J. Blige]
yeah, yeah, ahhh-oooh-oahahahhhhh.. listen..
mmmmmmmmmhmhmhmmmmmm..
if you don't know why I.. you gotta listen up right now
lis-ten, lis-ten, lis-ten, lis-ten..
oooooooooh... oahahoooohhh ooooha ohhhhh
lis-ten, lis-ten
ahhhowooooo yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah
yeah-ehh-yeah, yeah-ooeooooh
yahhooooohahhooooh listen
lis-ten, children lis-ten
I'm tryin to tell you somethin good
Don't get caught up in the hood
Yeahhh-hah, yeahhh-hah, aooooooh
if you don't know why..
you gotta find out the reason why..
brother.. brother..
3. Linkin Park – By Myself
Holden is kicked out of Pencey for flunking his classes, but
he says that he was kicked out because Pencey was full of phonies. Holden seems
to be obsessed by pointing out that people are phonies or phony conversations.
He has no friends in Pencey because he dismisses everyone there as phony.
Linkin Park shows this seclusion due to mistrust in their song “By Myself.”
They write, “Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, or do I trust none
and live in loneliness?” This is the dilemma that faces Holden, who trusts
noone and lives in isolation. However, if he did trust people, then he may be
taken advantage of. It seems the only people in Holden’s life who are not phony
are his sister, brother, Jane, and Mr. Antolini. He takes advice from them and
depends on them to help him when he does not have anyone else to turn to.
Linkin Park seems to sum up Holden’s feeling on relationships when they say,
“No matter what I do, how hard I try, I can’t seem to convince myself why, I’m
stuck on the outside.”
What do I
do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust none and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm streached so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
[x2]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
[Chorus:]
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself [myself]
[x2]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
[Chorus]
How do you think I’ve lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to
[x2]
Don’t you know
I can’t tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m stuck on the outside
[Chorus x2]
4. Nas – Drunk by Myself
Holden meets with Carl Luce in a bar to have a conversation,
but Carl leaves with disappointment in Holden’s immaturity. Holden stays in the
bar and drinks by himself, a sign of depression and isolation. This feeling is
exacerbated when he says, “When she was finished she beat it out of the room so
fast I didn’t even get a chance to invite her to join me for a drink.”(149) He
wants to drink with the singer at the bar, but when she leaves, he’s left alone
again. He continues to drink almost to the point of alcohol poisoning, and
displays no reservations. He, almost boastingly, says, “I sat at that goddam
bar till around one o’clock or so, getting drunk as a bastard. I could hardly
see straight.”(150) Nas recounts a similar story in “Drunk by Myself,” where he
deals with his depression and frustration by drinking. He writes, “I’m drunk by
myself, gun under my seat, I don’t want none of my peeps caught up in none of
my beef…choosing a Henny bottle over a friend, lost again…Steering wheel in my
hand, trying to hold it steady. Anything in my way is dead, cause that’s the
way I feel I am already, when I’m drunk by myself alone in the zone, drunk by
myself.” In an effort to escape their problems, both Nas and Holden drink by
themselves to dangerous ends.
Uhh,Uhh, Where am I going?
Where am I? Yo, it's ill
[Verse 1]
Yo my wife's tired of fucking me
Life tries ducking me
Luckily I find 'em just at the right time
Mack in my right arm, Tequila bottle in
My left arm like Cristian
Watching my life go, keeping myself in
Wolves in the night yo, hells men
Two revolvers I can let twelve spin
Hop in my Benz, push it to the limit
Buck-sixty, who wit' me? My (?) to well
Twisted blunts and inner conscience
Telling me that I aint shit
No matter how much cash I sit with
Still gotta ask the lord for forgiveness
My precious baby girl came like forty nights of rain
To replenish my adolescent brain
Blessed be her name, before her birth I was insane
So I drive the cooler pressure down, delay the pain
I ate from these poisonous, fucked up streets
Tasted larceny, it was sweet, I starved for more to eat
Though I took, that was to live, hope God will forgive
As odd as it is, the more I gain the harder it is
To maintain, bitches playin' games
Niggas snitchin', I aint saying names
But y'all niggas better watch how y'all slang
Lost so many close niggas, drunk almost crashed
I'm going too fast, highway patrol will just flash
Lights in my rearview, if they stop me I hope they lock me
Instead they speed ahead
Yo nigga watch me
[Chorus:]
I'm drunk by myself, gun under my seat
I don't want none of my peeps caught up in none of my beef
I'm a ride to the end of the road if I have to
Praying no car speeds by for me to crash to
Steering wheel in my hand
Trying to hold it steady
Anything in my way is dead
Cause that's the way I feel, I am already
When I'm drunk by myself alone in the zone
Drunk by myself
[Verse 2]
Heard niggas hate me, but I hated too once
Been in the shoes of a Wolf in the night when he hunts
For every shell niggas bust, we bust at ourselves
Can't tell them niggas nothing though, bullets wak'em up well
Take them to hell
Stick up niggas once ran up on me
My deckited lifestyle attracted sharks on me
I aint your mark homey
It's hard to look straight, my foot on the brake
Spilling my bottle not even shook of the Jakes
Could hardly look both ways, put out the hayes blurry vision
Think about the time in my life before I was in televison
Hella women, jealous niggas up in my vision
Since we all hood niggas expect kilos
For what they not seeing is police expect Rico
Only if I could take care of everybody, intoxicated
Windows up blastin A.C. going wherever instinct takes me
I hate it when I'm like this
The bottle's my accomplice
[Chorus: 1x]
[Verse 3]
The reason that I want to be alone
Tired of all the things that went wrong
That would have went right if I would have did it on my own
Take another swigg
The more I drink, the more I think bad thoughts
Fake friends who hung around who wanna bring you down
Not knowing who to trust, runors about niggas coming through
Supposedly to shoot at us, not knowing what was true
Or what to believe, that's why I'm on the low lately
Choosing a Henny bottle over a friend, lost again
To keep my mind off that weak shit
There's love through it all, things to live for
I swerve, almost crash into a wall
Think about the good, find myself laughing
Turn the cell off, no way to be reached
Know I'm near my crib, trying to see my way through the streets
Reminded of the positive, I take my drunk ass home
Start feeling out of it, can't wait to get out of this whip
Bring my ass to the crib
I'm tired...
[Chorus: 1x]
5. Eric Clapton – Change the World
Holden’s dream career is to be a catcher
in the rye. He would catch playing children from falling off a cliff. This
means that he wants to be able to prevent children from losing their innocence
and entering adulthood. He wanted to save the children and change the world.
When he sees profanity on the walls of his little sister’s school, he gets
infuriated and tries to rub it off. He says, “I went down by a different
staircase, and I saw another “Fuck you” on the wall. I tried to rub it off with
my hand again, but this one was scratched on, with a knife or something. It
wouldn’t come off”(202) He’s trying to get rid of all profanity so that it
wouldn’t taint the children. Eric Clapton shares this wish as well when he
says, “But for now I find, it’s only in my dreams That I can change the
world…Till then I’ll be a fool, wishin’ for the day, that I can change the
world.” Holden soon realizes that his dream is impossible, saying, “It’s
hopeless, anyway. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out
even half the “fuck you” signs in the world. It’s impossible.”(202) This is a
sign of his maturity and personal growth.
If I can reach the stars,
Pull one down for you,
Shine it on my heart
So you could see the truth:
That this love I have inside
Is everything it seems.
But for now I find
It's only in my dreams.
And I can change the world,
I will be the sunlight in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good,
Baby if I could change the world.
And if I could be king,
Even for a day,
I'd take you as my queen;
I'd have it no other way.
And our love would rule
This kingdom we had made.
Till then I'd be a fool,
Wishing for the day...
That I can change the world,
I would be the sunlight in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good,
Baby if I could change the world.
Baby if I could change the world.
I could change the world,
I would be the sunlight in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good,
Baby if I could change the world.
Baby if I could change the world.
Baby if I could change the world.
6. Linkin Park – Easier to
Run
After he goes home and talks to his little sister Pheobe, Holden
decides to run away to
It's
easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
7. DMX – Slippin’
After Holden goes to visit Mr. Antolini, he walks out of Penn
Station and starts to walk down
Ha ha ha
ha ha ha uhh
See to live is to suffer but to survive
well that's to find meaning in the suffering.
[Chorus]
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I gots to get up
Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up!
[Repeat]
[1]
I been through mad different phases like Masons
to find my way & now I know that happy days are not far away
If I'm strong enough I'll live long enough to see my kids
doing something more constructive with they time
than bids I know because I been there
now I'm in there sit back & look
at what it took for me to get there
First came the bullshit the drama with my mama
she got on the fly shit until i split
and said that I'ma be that seed
that doesn't need much to succeed
strapped with mad greed and a heart that doesn't bleed
I'm ready for the world or at least I thought I was
baggin' niggas when I caught a buzz
for thinking about how short I was
Going too fast it wouldn't last but yo I couldn't tell
group homes & institutions, prepare my ass for jail
They put me in a situation forcin' me to be a man
when I was just learnin' to stand without a helpin' hand
Damn, was it my fault, somethin' I did
to make a father leave his first kid at 7 doin' my first bid?
Back on the scene at 14 with a scheme
to get more cream than I'd ever seen in a dream
and by all means I will be living high off the hog
and I never gave a fuck about much but my dog
That's my only motherfucka I had offered my last
Just another little nigga headed nowhere fast
[Chorus]
[2]
That ain't the half shit get's worse as I get older
actions become bolder heart got colder
chip on my shoulder that I dared a nigga to touch
didn't need a click cause I scared a nigga that much
One deep went to for kicks
catchin' vicks throwin' bricks gettin by bein' slick
used to get high to get by used to have to puff my L
in the morning before I get fly
I ate something a couple of forties made me hate somethin'
I did some coke now I'm ready to take something
3 years later showing signs of stress
didn't keep my hair cut or give a fuck how I dressed
I'm possessed by the darker side livin' the cruddy life
Shit like this kept a nigga with a bloody knife
wanna make records but I'm fucking it up
I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
[Chorus]
[3]
Wasn't long before I hit rock bottom
Niggas talking shit like damn look how that rock got him
Open like a window no more Indo look at a video
sayin' to myself that could've been yo on the TV
believe me it could be done somethin's got to give
it's got to change cause I've got a son
I've got to do the right thing for shorty
and that means no more getting high drinking forties
So I get back lookin' type slick again
Fake niggas jump back on my dick again
Nothin' but love for those that know how it feel
& much respect to all my niggas that kept it real
Kept a nigga strong kept a nigga from doin wrong
Niggas know who they is and this is yo fuckin' song
and to my boo who stuck with a nigga through
all the bullshit you'll get yours because it's due
[Chorus]
can't get up...I gots to get up
This is from the heart baby, don't get it twisted
Ahh X RATED!!!!!
8. JP – Crossroads
When Holden starts to believe that he is disappearing, he
asks his brother to help him get across the street. He thinks that Allie’s
spirit can help him make it across, and when he successfully does get across,
he thanks Allie, and keeps going, afraid to stop. He says, “Then I started
doing something else. Every time I’d get to the end of a block I’d make believe
I was talking to my brother Allie. I’d say to him, “Allie, don’t let me
disappear”…And then when I’d reach the other side of the street without
disappearing, I’d thank him. Then it would start all over again as soon as I
got to the next corner.”(198) To me, this is a symbol that Holden is reaching
the end of his journey and is having trouble making it across different
struggles along the way. In order to get across, he calls on the people who he
thinks are always there for him, which is Allie for the most part.
I’m
walkin’ to the end of the road, and still my path is unknown,
Feels
like I’m falling gotta get out but there’s no place to go.
Asking my
brother please to give me guidance from above.
He’s
sittin’ with god, but my god I can still feel his love.
How can I
explain what’s happened to me
My life
was never normal if I told you it’d be impossible for you to see.
No hope
left, my mind is dark, I can’t find the part,
That
tells me you will go far if you finish what you start.
So I,
step off from the curb, thinking that I can’t make it,
Then the street
stretches out like a scene from the Matrix.
I know it’s
not real, but I start sweating anyway
Hoping to
quickly find a way to make this hell go away,
So I
pray, please don’t let me disappear, constant visions of death
Make me shed
constant tears, feels like I’ve got nothing left.
Nothing
to live for, the end is getting nearer,
I’m
starting to lose my fear of growing up, but I feel old enough.
This is
the crossroads time to make my decision.
Take the
easy way out, give up the life that I was given,
Or come
to my senses and realize the truest reality,
That I
have to grow up sometime, its just the way that it has to be.
I want to
change, want to find a way to live for today
Get rid
of this tired game, and get rid of this pain.
But the
path is too difficult, ive gotten myself lost,
Its
getting wider now, I cant find a way across.
Does it
really matter that I messed up my past,
Look
beyond my actions, seems I always end up last.
So now I’m
drowning in an ocean of asphalt,
No life
raft or flare guns this is my last call.
Cause I
know its not my fault it can happen to anyone,
Ill find
some time to rest, after this day is done.
If I
survive
It’s a
message that I should never let moments pass me by.
But the
fact remains, it’ll be a blessing to me
If I make
it to the other side again, without insanity.
Feels
like I’m going crazy, don’t want to end it like this,
Don’t
really wanna die on forty second and fifth.
I’d
rather have a noble cause, never give in and be a phony,
Look down
and see nothing but concrete below me.
I wonder
and I think and then I finally realize,
That if I
were to die, it would be while being in the rye.
This is
the crossroads time to make my decision.
Take the
easy way out, give up the life that I was given.
Or come
to my senses and realize the truest reality,
That I
have to grow up sometime, its just the way that it has to be.
I want to
change, want to find a way to live for today
Get rid
of this tired game, and get rid of this pain.
But the
path is too difficult, I’ve gotten myself lost,
Its
getting wider now, I cant find a way across.