It is true that I have always been Catholic. Baptized as a baby, I am a cradle Catholic.
My family has always gone to church, I have always attended a Catholic school. I
became an altar server as a young child. This does not diminish the fact that this is a
conversion story. My understanding and practice of the faith was nothing fancy. I didn't
understand what the Trinity was or that Jesus was Really Present in the Eucharist. I have
never been a "bad boy", but my sins of omission run far. My sense of morals were
merely sentimental, more to keep decorum than real love. I prayed only when I really
needed something, or was in some kind of serious dilemma. I believed in God, but he
was very distant and unknown, a stranger more than a mystery.
This story is not about me crossing a denominational or religious boundary. It is not
even about me trying to search and find the true meaning of my faith. In this whole story
I really have a passive role. It is about a Loving God who didn't wait for me to find Him,
but revealed Himself to me, and called me to Himself in a warm embrace of love. He,
picked me up, a lost sheep, hoisted me over His shoulders and took me home.
Troubled and Confused
During my school days, I found it very hard to make friends. I wasn't really anti-social
or mean - I got along with everyone well. However, I was rather introverted and had a
hard time making any close friends. Over time this lead to loneliness and depression.
And this lead to me becoming anti social for real. I started to play on my own. And this
made me more lonely...and so the vicious circle continued.
In grade 6 after seeing the movie "Gandhi", I was somewhat inspired. I identified
myself with the oppressed people in the movie and felt that it must have been other
people's fault that I was where I was. I started to confront all the popular students of the
class, feeling that it was their fault no one liked me. (The reality was it didn't have a lot
to do with them. I was made fun of a little, but everyone was. I wasn't disliked, I just
didn't make friends with these people, so they didn't play with me.) Unfortunately I didn't
follow the peaceful wisdom of Gandhi but just had random temper tantrums and got into
a lot of fights. Considering the fact most people don't like people who yell and hit them,
I was naturally disliked. My frustration and depression got worse. At one time I was
near suicidal. Looking back on it seems trivial, but it seemed like everything to me back
them.
During this time I also had a lot of fear. Two of the big ones were aliens and War. I
was couldn't shut the lights out at night because I was afraid of either being abducted by
aliens or shot by a guerilla warrior. (This is CRAZY!, I know that now, but this was what
I thought.)
Of course I was placed with a counselor at school. It was a Band-Aid solution. It
calmed me down and gave me something to think about but it really didn't solve my
problems.
I know my Mom prayed a lot for me during this time. Her prayers would eventually be
answered.
Hell
The above maze of confusion continued for about 3 years to lesser or greater degrees.
I'm not sure when, but somewhere during this time, I was reading my Bible. (It's really
odd. I don't know how to explain the type of faith I had back then. I mean I believed the
bible was true I just didn't seem to do anything about it or read it on a regular basis) The
book I was reading was Exodus and the long lists of "If a man....He shall be put to
death..". Providentially I came along a passage where it states that anyone who curses
His mother or Father shall be put to death. (Exodus 21:17)
My frustration and tantrums had continued at home, and this was causing all kinds of
fights between me, my siblings and my parents. Very recently that week I had cursed at
my mother during an argument. I became so afraid. I hadn't thought seriously about my
sin that much before. I became certain of two things: 1) that I had made God angry by
my sins and that's why so many bad things were happening to me 2) that I was destined
for Hell and there was little I could do to stop it. I cried and confessed all this stuff to my
parents. They tried to comfort me and told me I was taking the bible way too literally.
But this did not change my mind. I was certain my sins were causing my distress.
It is true that I was taking the scriptures too literally, and God was obviously not mad at
me. But, I was the cause of a lot of my problems and I needed to change. As it is stated
in the Proverbs "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom". (Proverb 1:7)
Forgiveness
Over this time I had thought very little about forgiveness. Ironically the first serious
thought about forgiveness was while reading a secular novel. I was reading The
Chamber by John Grisham and came to the part where an evangelic chaplain tells a man
on death row that all he has to do is confess to God His sins and pray for forgiveness and
he would be saved. That night I got down and humbly prayed for forgiveness. I
continued this ritual every night before going to bed. I would confess humbly to God that
I was a sinner and pray he would forgive me. I don�t remember the exact words I used,
probably whatever formula was in the book, but it was very close to the Jesus Prayer:
"Lord Jesus son of David have mercy on me, a sinner".
I didn't make any real attempts to change my ways, but I was recognizing they were
wrong. I cannot imagine the fruits or merits these prayers had for me.
Miracles?
As I stated before, my concept of God was as distant and stern. I never thought of God
actually active and changing things in my life. I seemed to believe God could somehow
make my life miserable, but it was beyond Him to help me or make it better. This was
changed over a slow time.
By now I was in grade nine, and second semester I was in a religion class with Mr. Jim
Zettel. Always before that religion had been taught to me like any other subject. It was a
buncha facts you said were true but didn't really have any effect on your life whatsoever.
This was changed. Mr. Zettel was one of the first teachers who convinced me he actually
believed what He taught and that it really meant something. Also rather than merely ask
us to "be nice to everyone", as was the style of elementary school, He gave us a reason.
His many lessons about heaven, hell, saints who don't rot, the end of the world,
Eucharistic miracles and kids who talked to Mary - really made a difference. I began to
understand and slowly believe that God was active and alive in our world.
Also he spoke a lot about charisms: prophecy, tounges, resting in the spirit. Of all the
things, this probably excited me the most. It was supernatural yet practical. It sparked
my own experimentation as explained below.
Listening
Well Lent was soon approaching, and as always I was expected to give something up
until Easter. The year before my family had given up television. I decided to do it
again. I'm not sure why but probably partly to do with the new inspiration I was getting
and partly a desire for attention.
I spent a lot of my extra time that Lent meditating. I had learned different techniques
from Mr. Zettel's class and wanted to try them out on my own. Over time I began to
include music in my meditations. Ironically they were all secular love songs. Mostly
they were void of spiritual substance, but if it wasn't on the surface I would dig and dig
until I found what I wanted. I meditated very intensely on it and thought about what God
was trying to say. Many times I even believed He was speaking directly to me through
the music. Although this is probably untrue, I still to this day feel that providence was
guiding me during this time. As naive as I was I would have fallen for just about
anything. It is so odd that from the whole world of music about passion, sex and pride -
I was getting a concept of pure love out of it. God was speaking to me, somehow at
least. It was dimly as through a mirror, a very dirty mirror.
I also did a lot of meditating where I would just "listen" to see what God said. I don't
remember enough to say whether it was accurate or not, but somehow God's providence
was involved.
True Love and Happiness
Well, obviously secular music can't have ALL good effects on you. After swallowing
so much of these chants about "love" and "relationship", I of course started to believe it.
I wanted to have a girl friend so bad it was insane. I figured it would be what would
make me happy. I was of course very shy and wouldn't dare speak with a girl let alone
ask her on a date : ) I began to have a very intense crush on one girl. In a short time I
became obsessed. I wrote a poem and gave it to her. Of course, considering the fact I
was a complete stranger, she didn't want to be involved with me. I was very, very
depressed after this. I mean this romantic idea of love had become my religion, my
obsession. It seemed to me that there was nothing else to look forward to. My concept
of love was that of emotional attachment. It was very strong and pure in the sense I
wanted to really give whatever I could, yet at the same time it wasn't near that of St. Paul.
I only wanted to love in order to receive it in return. I wanted someone to care about me.
That weekend, I had been invited to a parish mission with a charismatic nun. I decided
I'd go. I was really curious about what would happen, because Mr. Zettel had told me all
about how she was doing healings and people were resting in the spirit and stuff. I
wanted to check it out for myself and see what it was all about. I went. We sang some
songs and she talked, and it was all real nice, but there was none of the fancy stuff I
hoped for. After the service was over though, they invited up anyone who wanted
prayers for depression or MS. I wanted to see what it was all about. I didn't consider
myself suffering from depression and I knew I didn't have MS but I still wanted to see
what it would be like. So I told the nun I wanted a healing from depression. She and a
bunch of people started to pray over me. I rested in the spirit, and was laid on my back.
As I laid there I could feel Jesus over me, healing all my hurts and pains. ("feel" isn't the
best word, I don't know how to explain it, I just knew He was there) I felt in great peace.
It seemed like angels were all around me. I never heard anything, but I could tell that
Jesus was telling me that He really loved me and cared for me and that He would never
leave me. It was quite amazing.
That night I went home. I was brimming over with joy! Whether I had expected it or
not, one thing is certain - I HAD been healed of my depression. All the fear, anger and
sorrow of the past three years had completely vanished. I sang myself to sleep that night,
singing hymns of praise to God. Little did I know, but that was certainly the healing I
needed. It has transformed my whole life around. I started making friends. Things didn't
bother me as much. I started getting along with my family better. I was overwhelmed
with such complete joy! There is no word in human tongues that can describe the peace
and freedom I felt that spring. It was so refreshing.
I consider this the day I became a Christian. I celebrate it every Friday before Good
Friday. But I'm going to keep going, cause there is a little more to my story then this. To
stop would be to hide some of the gifts of God. He deserves all the praise I can give.
A Plan
Despite the fact my new focus was on Christ, I had yet to embrace an understanding of
the church. I didn't dislike organized religion, I just didn't seem aware it existed. For me
the next few months were spent in a lot of meditating and the listening process I
explained earlier. I still listened to songs, which were for me the closest thing to
revelation. (I know this is crazy, but God still protected me to where I am today) One
song had a particular effect on me.
Because I was so obsessed with this idea of God speaking through music, If I felt a
certain instinct, I would immediately turn on the radio and hear what was on, seeing it as
an answer to my question. Anyways, three times in a row I turned on this one song. This
happened during the Easter weekend, one time immediately after attending Easter vigil.
The main chorus proclaimed "You will move mountains". I felt this call directly to me.
God had a special plan for me. He wanted me to do something amazing.
Again, although this is crazy and I would never trust something like this today, I still
feel Divine providence had some odd role to play in it. In my eyes the fruits were clearly
pure.
God's Word
One night, not long after the above events I decided to attend a charismatic prayer
meeting. The meeting went well, but half way through I tried to explain all the things
that were happening to me. I choked up and started crying. A leader intended to talk
with me after. While meeting with Him, I showed him all my prophesies and
inspirations. He basically said "That's all nice, but what about the bible?" To be
completely honest I never thought of it. I just saw the bible as a buncha stories about
God, not the word of God. He explained to me that secular music is not the best place to
go to for God's message, and advised me to start reading scripture on a regular basis and
put the music aside.
I have never ever seen this man since. I don't have a clue who he was or what
happened to him, but I thank God for his simple yet important advice.
After that I started reading the scriptures. I fell in love and was addicted immediately.
I read and I read especially the letters of Paul. They were so inspiring, simple and
profound. It was all the stuff I was hoping to hear in the music, yet so much more clear,
complete and deep. I read and I read scripture. I meditated on it like the music. It truly
had a powerful effect on me.
The Church
I had met Christ, and found His word, yet was still pretty ignorant of the church. I went
to church, but my faith was more simple and very individualistic. I survived off my own
private revelation and interpretation of scripture. (Which wasn't that bad, but not very
complete either.) This changed upon my visit to Steubenville University. I went to a
youth conference there in 97 with our church, and it completed my journey to Christ.
At the conference I was introduced to the idea of Sacred Tradition, The Eucharist and
Confession. We had Eucharistic Adoration and I melted before our Lord, I felt true
transformation within. I experienced the sacrament of Confession for the first time in a
few years, and met the limitless mercy of God. I became conscious of sin and began to
become determined in by battle against it.
I don't remember the rest of the details, but it was here that I met the Church and first
came to an understanding of the sacraments. I felt a renewed joy of my first experience.
I got a Catechism and started to read it. Of course I fell completely in love with the
church and Catholic Theology. I couldn't get away from this awesome God who loved
me so much. I could not completely know Christ until I met His presence on earth, the
Church.
In the three years since then I've learned more about the faith and matured. God
constantly has drawn me here. I cannot deny His awesome tug, His gentle push. He was
with me the whole time even when I didn't know it. He was with me too. I write this in
praise and thanksgiving. I can think of no better gift than what God has given me:
Himself. It is love with no limit, impossible to express in human words.
I describe my journey in the following words:
I will lead the blind on their journey;
by paths unknown I will guided them.
I will turn darkness into light before them,
and make crooked ways straight.
These things I will do for them,
and I will not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16
I was blind, not having a clue what God was doing at the time. But He brought me
close to Him and embraced me in His arms like a long lost son. God wants to do the
same for you as well. Let Him have His way. There's no greater joy or more complete
peace then when doing His will.
September 1st, 2000
Jason Kuntz
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