Field of Dreams
Seated at the table in the kitchen, her back to the wall, she quietly sips
blackwine and reads through the thick journal. A plate, nearly empty now, sits
in the middle of the table. She ate. Poetry, small sketches (her writing far
better than her ability to draw), the description of her dance, memories of
things that predated her time on Gor as well. Flipping to the entry she wrote
this morning, she reads it again, amazed ... no, stunned at the difference in
topic and tone from earlier entries. "I almost do not recognize myself..." the
words whispered with a shake of her head.
I was chained again last night. He asked if I now wanted the chain. My response
was not a lie, but it was not accurate, though I didn't know it at the time. I
said no -- and that is true. But I also said I didn't feel like pulling it from
my neck either. The chain itself proved the falseness of those words later in
the night.
He also asked if I knew what the chain was for ... and my response that it was
to show me who I was or what I was pleased him. Laying there, I did not fall
asleep right away, though my eyes and body begged for it. The night before I
went to his room simply because he said that was where I was to sleep whether he
was there or not. Laying in the darkness last night I suddenly realized that I
still made that choice to go. It was his order to do it, but my whim to obey.
And it was then that I realized the chain was even less to remind me of who I
am, but to show in no uncertain terms that it is not my whim or choice. It is
his.
That was when I pulled at the chain. I hated it. I pulled until that spot on my
neck was raw. The chain teaches that acquiescence is not enough. Nor acceptance
or 'making the best of it.' At some point I will be as if chained all the time.
It is a frightening thought. And when I think of it, my hands shake and the ache
in my belly sharpens.
The dream I had was vivid. I knelt in a field, alone. Wind, blowing hard against
me, my breath catching against it. A forest surrounded the field. Only one path
led into the dark unknown of the trees. There was only one way out of the field
and it was to take that path. Eyes watched from the trees. I could see them
clearly, all watching me intently. I was both frightened and drawn to them. They
were smoke grey.