Beast Within
"Bold girl". He spoke the words the other night after I lifted his hand to my
lips and kissed it. Without thinking I responded that had I been a truly bold
girl, perhaps I would have kissed him other than on his hand or foot.
He challenged me then to be truly bold and I responded so fiercely and with such
abandon to that challenge that when I lay next to him, exhausted and covered in
a sheen of sweat, I suddenly became quite afraid of who and what I had become.
It was not the first lesson I would learn about myself over the next several
days, all of them striking me in a fearsome way.
One evening he took me to the waterfalls where I knelt next to him while he
talked to others. At one point I spoke, a play on words ... Master Salen began a
phrase saying that something was "good for the ..." and I quickly spoke saying
"soul," glancing toward my Master as I spoke. The next thing I knew, as my
Master continued to talk quietly, he first bound and then gagged me. Later, he
used me. It was harsh and being bound and gagged, I was afraid. I feared him.
Yet, when he removed that gag and unbound my wrists, my first reaction was to
cling to him as I wept.
I lay next to him, trembling at how much I love him in spite of my fear of him.
Lesson number two ... and still there would be more.
Last night I begged. He told me to lay face down on the bed and then, leaning
heavily on me, pinned my ankles with his hand, my thighs splayed. I could not
see him. I was uncomfortable to be so exposed. He saw the tension in my
shoulders and the small of my back and in his questioning, I had to admit that
not only was I uncomfortable, but I found it arousing.
That is when he told me to beg. I begged with my words and with my body.
Pleaded, entreated and piteously begged that he use me in whatever way he
wished.
It seemed not only natural, but right that I should beg in this manner. "Who is
equal to a man in this room?" he asked me. "Who begs to be used?"
I begged. And then I writhed.
He sometimes calls me beast. I look at myself in the mirror and see a hint of
wildness behind the calm blue of my eyes and I know that it is my desire for
him. It is the beast in me ... in the same way that I do him, I both fear and
embrace it.