Burying the Past
It was very strange to open the cupboard and see the bag still laying there. It
was covered with dust and I was surprised to see that nothing was nesting on or
inside it. I dragged it from the place I put it when I first came to Samsara. I
asked to put it there to show symbolically that I was setting that part of my
life aside and had no need to cling to the bag that tied me to earth.
When we arrived at the cabin I asked if I could bury it. The barbarian joy is no
longer 'set aside' ... she is gone. He gave me permission to bury the bag,
though he did ask me why. He made no comment at my explanation other than to
make it part of my chores. I doubt that the symbolic musings of a slave girl are
important to him. I did not bury the pack as quickly as I thought I would. I
decided I wanted to be alone when I did it since it seemed to hold no meaning
for him and I was unsure how I would actually react to doing it.
We are leaving this morning for Venna. He went out with the map to check the
trails to see which we should take. It was time to deal with the bag.
I sat behind the cabin, cross legged as I used to, the sun visor on my head. I
decided to open the pack one last time. The hole was dug and waiting; I felt its
presence like the gaping maw of a hungry animal.
I glanced at the few books inside; some ancient make-up, school ID card, rolls
of film never developed, address book, shoes. Shoes! My god, I have not worn
shoes in so long. I slipped my right foot into it ... a black Timberland boot. I
wore these a lot. It felt heavy and alien. I pulled it off quickly and shoved it
back in the bag.
My wallet. There was a $5 bill inside and I could not bring myself to even touch
it. It is money; a slave cannot have money. There was also a photo in that
wallet. My brother, sister and I ... mugging for the camera and laughing. It is
in the journal. I could not bury them.
I closed the pack for the last time and shoved it into the hole. I covered it
with dirt and scattered stones and leaves over the top. If anyone looked, they
could not tell anything had been buried there.
The barbarian is buried there.
I begged for food yesterday.